Discovery

by Douglas E Roff

  One day, Adam thought, mankind might regret its “digital dependence” but by then it would likely be too late. His father had told him, as a boy just learning about technology, that you should always develop the manual system first, then make it better, faster and more efficient through technology. Adam took this to mean that people should not lose touch with the underlying process and that to do so ultimately risked the future of mankind. Edward claimed, and Adam accepted, that humanity was one giant EM pulse or one coronal mass ejection event away from complete and utter anarchy.

  Tony Adamson, on the other hand, was firmly grounded in the real world and saw all kinds of problems everywhere. His job was to make the Portland DataLab Project facility work and to monitor and measure its progress. It was somewhat unusual for Bitsie to intrude on the uber practical world of Tony Adamson but in real world terms that’s just what she did from time to time to confirm that what she was seeing was what Tony saw too. Tony was no academic, but he was very smart - perceptive in the practical application sense - and fully capable of connecting the real-world dots.

  Tony was an immensely popular and competent manager at the facility and rarely inquired into what was really going on or how the massive data was to be used. He had worked for many years in the aerospace industry and was fully up to speed on the vagaries of working around top secret projects and programs. But his real skill seemed to be in “communicating with the Brainiac’s and nerds” for which he had an amazing God given talent.

  Tony did not “freak out” about stuff; he dealt with it. Bitsie didn’t freak out about anything either; she simply tried to understand it. To both of them, all problems that could be reduced to numbers could not be very frightening. It’s the other stuff, they would say, that made them uneasy.

  Adam reflected on his conversation with Bitsie and wondered what “other stuff” might have come up in this data that would cause his colleagues to be this uneasy.

  Then he went back to obsessing about his most pressing problem: Hannah Parker.

  Chapter 20

  Hannah

  I know you’re still mad at me and you don’t want to have anything to do with me right now. I know I have not been the boyfriend that I should’ve been when you needed me and that you deserved better consideration and attention from me. But right now, all I want you to understand is how very sad I am and how totally lost I feel without having you in my life. Until now, I guess I just assumed we would always be together because I have loved you from the moment we met and cannot imagine my existence without you. Please talk to me. Please, I miss you so much and feel so dreadfully lonely now that it seems like you don’t feel anything for me anymore.

  I have come to realize that there are things in this world that I cannot possibly comprehend without you. I am not trying to be a child about all this, but you know it’s true. I will never be able to be a whole person, a functioning human being if you are not with me.

  I’m going to stop calling and writing. You have been as clear and patient with me as anyone could ever ask. It’s not like you never talked to me about being unappreciated, treated as an afterthought or always second in line. And I’m very, very sorry I didn’t listen and sorrier I did not understand.

  I know now how selfish I’ve been, how badly I’ve behaved, and how arrogant I have become. I just want to see you again and, if you still don’t want me in your life, I promise I will go away and never contact you again.

  I’m planning something down in Seattle, and I hope you will come. My entire family has said they will attend. Your Mom and Dad said they would come too, just don’t be mad at them for talking to me. Your Mom told me to leave her and your Dad out of this because it’s between you and me to fix, if it can be fixed at all.

  When the time comes, if you still feel the way you do now then maybe nothing I will ever say or do will ever matter to you again.

  It did once. I hope it will again.

  Adam

  PS – Everyone up here is pretty upset with me too. Dad asked if your parents would be open to trading you for me. I don’t think he was kidding. I wish he was.”

  The reply came the next day.

  “Please leave me alone and stop writing and calling. I’ve had just about enough of you and your family. I need to move on from this debacle and you no longer figure into my future plans. Anger has been replaced by sadness which has been replaced by firm resolve. I have nothing more to say to you and engaging in any further contact seems merely to prolong the pain for both of us.

  You will always have a small place in my heart, and I will always try to remember what was best about us. I’m not the woman you need; you only think I am. Let this thing go. I have.

  H”

  Adam read the note in disbelief, as if nothing was as wrong as it actually was. He told Rod and Cindy, then his Mom. His Dad didn’t seem at all surprised. Pops the scientist, as usual, said nothing; he just turned and went back to his lab in his basement.

  Soft words and consoling looks filled his life for the next week or so, as he slowly began to align this new and stark reality with his own confused and miserable emotional state. After a month, he still felt the sting of Hannah’s rejection, sleep continued to remain elusive, and his heart was well and truly broken. But he soldiered on, retreating into the rational and ordered side of his brain and found that work provided some solace. More complicated was the task of how he would ever erase the searing pain and bitter shame he felt from his consciousness. But every day he sensed that the pain lessened as his concentration and focus began to restore.

  Time would heal his broken heart, he thought hopefully to himself, but how much time and how much healing he couldn’t begin to imagine.

  Chapter 21

  Adam was feeling better than he had for months following the breakup with Hannah. He had read the email countless times, trying to extract meaning and some hidden message that never quite appeared, something that would finally force him to fully understand just what had happened in his life and why. Rationally, he accepted that he bore the responsibility for his own actions, that the many clear messages he had been given by Hannah had been ignored, and that this situation, simply put, was a mess of his own making.

  Though the words he had written in his email to Hannah were painfully true, he didn’t really believe that they were at the root of his issues with Hannah. On his worst days, he hoped that Hannah had simply found someone else and this was the real reason for the split. Then he could fantasize himself as the wronged boyfriend and move on. He played and replayed any number of excuse ridden reasons why he wasn’t at fault, but, in the end, he knew he was simply inventing new paths to avoid responsibility for his own selfish conduct.

  At some point in his evolution to mental wellness, Adam began the process of accepting the harsh reality that his life had taken an abrupt change in course. Neither Rod nor Cindy wanted to continuously rehash painful conversation after painful conversation and continue endlessly lending a supporting ear to a sibling going through such a miserable time. Mom began talking in short platitudes, signalling to Adam that it had finally come time to move on. Reluctantly, and still basting in his own misery, he resolved to just let it go.

  But a tiny morsel of discomfort remained and nagged at him. He visualized it time, and time again as he read and reread the Hannah email, always locked in his mind, though its significance was initially lost in the deluge of pain and utter confusion.

  “I’ve had just about enough of you and your family.” He wondered what that meant, or if it was just an unfortunate turn of a phrase. Adam wasn’t aware of any stress in the “Hannah/his family” relationship and thought everyone in Barrows Bay loved and appreciated Hannah. Certainly, if there was anything to it, he thought he would have heard something by now. “She hates my family” and the converse, “My family hates her” would have been good and durable excuses to quickly move on from a relationship coming apart at the seams.

  Anyone oth
er than Adam would either not have noticed or simply wouldn’t have cared any longer, as the sad truth was clear: what was done was done. It was simply over. Still Adam, always burdened with his own means of self-destruction, couldn’t let any detail slide. In possibly his worst decision in many months, he decided to ask his Dad about it. Had something been going on that had escaped his attention? Another family secret among family secrets?

  He thought not, knew better than to ask, but proceeded directly to his Dad’s office anyway.

  ***

  Edward was seated behind his desk in his office at the Institute, piles of paper and clutter everywhere, with no discernable filing system anywhere in evidence. Nonetheless, when tested, Edward had an uncanny ability to find a single sheet of paper or a small volume of some forgotten treatise among the chaos. The logic of order gave way to the seeming flotsam and jetsam that was his office domain. Although most of his work time was spent at his home office, where he preferred the solitude of his private thoughts punctuated by the sounds of his two sons, the occasional appearance at his office seemed to placate the other senior Fellows who occasionally wondered what exactly Edward did for a living at the Institute.

  Home was no longer the joy it had once been when the boys were growing up. Rod had married and had a life which didn’t bring them in daily contact as it once had. Adam, well Adam was never much of a conversationalist and was a poor companion at best. The distance between them seemed to grow larger as the years rolled by and the honest referee played by Rod most of the time was decidedly absent. Mom was still the arbiter of all things family and she still managed to hold the conflict down to a minimum. So, days might pass with father and son under the same roof but unless grunts and nods passed for conversation, little that would pass for discourse was ever exchanged between them.

  Not that either Adam or Edward gave much thought to the change in circumstances; neither found the situation to be untenable or even uncomfortable. They simply did their own thing secure in the knowledge that they were, after all, family. If they needed to discuss something, like today, a discussion would take place. That it normally involved conflict and ended poorly was simply a descriptor of the relationship, not a reason to remain permanently silent.

  Adam was cognizant of this sterile atmosphere and was completely comfortable with it. Edward was probably less aware of it than Adam and seldom gave it much thought. Conflict, bad feelings and an ever-present level of mistrust was common in their relationship, so silence between them was not altogether unwelcome.

  Edward wasn’t untouched by changing family circumstances and certainly wasn’t indifferent to them. But these changes were expected to some degree. The boys were grown up now, deep in their respective careers and expected to move on both physically and emotionally from family. Even if he hadn’t wanted things to change, it would hardly have mattered.

  The sudden appearance of Adam at his office door was unexpected but nonetheless welcome. All other nonsense aside, he thought, Adam was his son and he loved him dearly. That his love was unconditional didn’t bring with it the blinders Maria could don when dealing with Adam, his moods and behaviors. Each was guided by loving patience and understanding but not precisely in the same way. Maria was a Mom and tried ever so hard to achieve real emotional connection and understanding of her son’s feelings and what motivated his actions. Edward saw Adam’s conduct and simply accepted his son as he thought he was – imperfect, given to rash emotions, sometimes angry and often petulant. However, it was a small price to pay, he believed, for the genius that was resident in Adam’s mind. That was something in which Edward took great pride and even admiration.

  Edward’s life in academia colored his view of Adam’s behavior. Edward wasn’t unfamiliar with the arrogance, pettiness and the sometimes-odd behaviors of professors and professional thinkers. Arrogance, an attribute so often impugned by the general populace, was a quality Edward believed could never be absent in an academic. It wasn’t a personality defect; it was a job qualification.

  So, Edward saw his son no differently than he did the clear majority of his colleagues. Brilliant, competitive, driven and abundantly confidant. That “childish” was also in the description was exceedingly unimportant.

  “Adam, I’m delighted. What brings you to the inner sanctum sanctorum? Take a wrong turn at the Biology Department?”

  “Nope, not this time. Though I must say your flirtation with the lovely Dr. Rhonda What’s-her-Name is much easier to understand now that I see her in the flesh, so to speak. She is everything you never offered to share with me. I can see why.” Adam laughed, in the way that adult children often laugh nervously about parental sexual relations. His Dad was no monk when it came to women, though Edward had long made a point of never bringing up the subject with his boys. That they were now adults made no difference. Edwards tomcatting was well known at the Institute, but the subject remained off limits to his sons.

  And, Edward never, ever brought his “dates” home. Not even for a visit. A quirky rule, but one he thought might be confusing to the boys. Or awkward.

  “She is a vision; I will give you that.” Edward said. Then, a pregnant silence. “So, what’s up son? Feeling better I see.”

  “Really? How can you tell?” Adam asked rather bluntly, not really meaning it to sound that way.

  “You’re not at home bouncing that tennis ball off the wall in your bedroom. And it looks like you had a shower today. Positive signs of recovery from a broken heart. At least according to the literature.” Edward chuckled at the last remark, one he always used with his son growing up when asked by Adam to prove that he, Edward, was right about anything – from the Big Bang Theory to Adam’s nine o’clock bedtime. And it worked for a long while until it didn’t any longer. Edward still used it, reminding him of simpler, happier times when his boy still believed absolutely everything his Dad told him.

  Adam laughed too, then forged on.

  “I was thinking about something that Hannah wrote in that email she sent to me. You know, that email.”

  “Yeah, that one. I have a copy on my desk here somewhere if you need it.”

  “No thanks; committed to memory, unfortunately. I’m letting it go, or at least trying to. I’m still uneasy, you know, like there’s more to the story somehow. But since she’s not talking and I’m trying to get past it, I guess I’m running out of things to obsess about before finally putting it to rest.”

  “And yet you’re here with questions. Maybe some things are better left alone and unsaid. Maybe some things that can still be painful – now and later.”

  “Yeah, I know. And I think that is great advice. Just not for me. I know I’m a head case right now Dad, and I do appreciate, whenever my head is no longer lodged firmly up my ass, that you and Mom have been terrific just listening and putting up with my sorrowful behavior. And yet I know something must have been said, something even Rod won’t talk to me about.”

  “Why not ask Cindy? She knows more than I do, I’m sure.”

  “Me too. But Cindy has this ‘hands off’ policy when it comes to me and girls. She won’t comment, and she doesn’t give advice. Maddening, since she is the only person I would actually listen to.”

  “Why not press Rod?” Edward thought that to be solid advice. Adam had a way of suspecting the worst from his father’s explanations; Adam tended to believe every word spoken by Rod.

  “No chance, Dad. Not this time anyway. Rod would enjoy watching me twist in the wind. As I would enjoy watching him, if given half a chance. Brothers, you know.”

  “I wish I did, but I don’t think I do.” Edward paused, then said, “OK then. So, what’s troubling you today?”

  “Hannah said in her email that she was tired of me and your family. It’s that last little part, three little words that I don’t think should’ve been there. Why would she be tired of you guys when I’m the jerk here? Did something happen?”

  Edward looked at his son, thinking
that the truth wasn’t going to be of much help easing his pain. Honesty, a much-vaunted quality in people, wasn’t always what it was cracked up to be.

  Edward thought carefully, then forged ahead. “Yes, you could say something did happen. Some opinions were shared, and some voices raised. Are you sure you want to know what was said, son? It really can’t help now.”

  “Will I understand what happened any better? Or was it just venting?”

  “It was venting for sure and not undeserved. Will you understand what happened better? Maybe.”

  “You mean you guys were mad at her for something?”

  “Other way around. She read us the riot act: me, Mom, Pops and Rod. Clear, concise, angry and hurt. But I had no quarrel with what she said then nor do I now. Some things can happen that are bitter and hard to hear. It doesn’t change what is true and the truth may change absolutely nothing at all. And that’s what happened.”

  “And what was that, exactly?”

  Chapter 22

  “So, you’re sure you want to have this chat? I mean it involves a lot of old dredged up stuff that most people would prefer to leave in the past. Besides sometimes things can’t be changed, so reliving old conversations and decisions – well, it just serves no purpose.” Edward thought a modicum of fair warning was in order before discussing the ‘Hannah question’ with his son.

  “Dad, c’mon. We broke up. No one died.” Adam was adamant that past secrecy around his life had to finally come to an end. Adam was twenty-six years old, not six.

  “OK. Then the dustup was about you, how you were raised, and whether – check that – how we spoiled you growing up. And continue to do so right up to this very minute. Hannah had some thoughts for everyone except Cindy and the girls. Ali and Phil were simply mortified and the anniversary celebration just sort of cratered from there. It wasn’t ugly, but it was unpleasant. And like I said, I can’t say that Hannah was wrong, just that she was upset with the wrong people – or in this case, person.”