Discovery

by Douglas E Roff

  During the summer after her first year in high school, this time in Germany, Misti was introduced to the concept of pain: pain application and pain toleration. She both inflicted and experienced pain, under the auspices of men and women who knew how to do both. This neither troubled nor frightened Misti, who instead viewed it as a necessary element in an education she had now fully accepted as the norm in her life.

  Misti loved her life and everything about it. That Edward had done all of this for her was something that only solidified her love and admiration for him. She came to believe that he was the only human being who truly understood and accepted her as she truly was, without judgement or admonition. She was no monster in his eyes and only one of a hand full who ever actually mattered in hers.

  At the beginning of her high school junior summer, spent at a private Academy in the French speaking part of Switzerland, Edward promised her a surprise if she did well and her instructors’ reports were positive. Edward, always meticulously true to his word, announced two gifts to his favorite ward. First, a new car and all the goodies that go with it. Second, a new and generous allowance for clothing, personal care and expanded travel. She now controlled her own spending and was asked to establish her own limits.

  But, in addition to regular school and all that her private high school education entailed, she would be required to expand her physical and martial arts training, as well as the tournaments in which she participated. She would receive private tutoring to continue her education in Italian, French and German. Regular clubs and high school sports were out, along with most of the normal social interactions common to students everywhere at her age. Hers would be a different path, narrower and far more complex.

  By the time Misti was sixteen, she was no longer capable of thinking or acting like her contemporaries. She was evolving into an entirely new kind of creature, one she loved and one that her friends could not even begin to understand. Edward counseled her on how to act, how to maintain the façade of teenage giggle and angst and continue to look and act like her classmates.

  This Misti did and did well. But as she grew older, her disdain for her contemporaries and their unimportant lives also grew, a troubling development for Edward. He found it necessary to journey down to Seattle more frequently to counsel his young ward. This was a somewhat unhappy papa Edward, a face Misti had rarely seen before.

  If she didn’t change her attitude immediately, Edward said, everything they had worked for would be jeopardized and it could all end abruptly. Misti listen carefully and resolved to Edward and to herself to maintain the illusion at all costs, and redouble her efforts to blend in. Within a matter of weeks, Misti was back on track and giving every indication that she had only briefly lapsed and given in to being a typically confused, hormone driven teenager. She was sorry for her conduct and said so to her teachers, school administration and classmates. She was now back to normal as a high school junior.

  Weekends for Misti, however, were neither typical nor teenage. She and her close circle of pals, riding in Misti’s fully restored 1965 Mustang convertible, were inventing even newer ways to entertain themselves with female classmates and other adventurous girls they chose private parties at secluded locations.

  Misti had a badass ride, a credit card with a big limit that magically reset to zero every month and like-minded girlfriends who shared her interests and were eager to experiment and share in her adventures.

  Misti had, from time to time, gone off on her own but Edward had often counseled against solo activity as too dangerous. He preferred the curbs that her girlfriends would naturally exert upon her and told Misti that this was an important part of her integration into a world to which she would eventually have to acclimate as an adult. Reading the anxiety in her girlfriends’ faces in certain situations could be the early warning lights to which she should pay immediate attention. Caution beforehand; analytics afterward.

  Misti acceded to Edward’s request most of the time but she still enjoyed the freedom and anonymity of her existence away from adult supervision. She would occasionally drive to a new city and spend the weekend in the company of a stranger who might never see her again afterwards. For a few, the first weekend was but the beginning of many more weekends over time. Her thirst for more extreme experiences in the realms she enjoyed were drivers of behavior even she did not always comprehend herself. So, excursions of this nature were fewer in the early years and became de rigueur after high school and all through college.

  Misti had become emotionally and intellectually self-sufficient by age seventeen and far beyond the reach of family influence in almost every other aspect of her life. She didn’t lose sight of the importance of family nor was she dismissive of their interest in her life. They simply came to accept that Misti was set on a path by her parents and Edward that they had not been told much about. All her outward accomplishments made them proud, even if they had no idea what she was doing most of the time or why.

  College for Misti followed a similar regimen to high school, with summer vacations spent abroad learning advanced linguistic skills, receiving specialized training of one sort or another and now being allowed to elect and pursue activities in which she had greater interest.

  Misti by now had made friends with some of her older colleagues in Europe, whose own demons she found exciting and worth exploring. She began night crawls in cities she visited, attempting to hone her skills at stealth and surprise. She would sometimes confront young working women hurrying home or a nice young couple holding hands and minding their own business. Misti simply wanted to gauge their reaction to her as a sudden threat, visually experience the fear in their eyes and occasionally take liberties which were unwelcome.

  All in great fun, she would later report, although she seemed to downplay the thrill and intense sexual excitement she felt during these outings. Her sense of control, lack of fear and physical skills gave her unparalleled confidence; the looks of alarm and panic gave her a rush of exhilaration she had never been able to replicate in any other way.

  Returning to her residence afterwards always required an outlet for the physical release of uncontrollable passions that couldn’t be ignored. Partners were readily available and often waiting for her return. Then, sleep mostly came to her when the evening was fully spent and her exhaustion complete. But not always. So, contrary to the law of diminishing returns, Misti would sometimes get back in line at the buffet, followed by a second helping of dessert.

  At twenty, Misti was at the height of her physical prowess and her mental state was rounding into balance. She had learned how to curb her passions and channel her desires to productive, socially acceptable activities. Outwardly, she was a beautiful, intelligent and sophisticated young lady, refined and well heeled. The pride of her parents, her school and her community.

  Edward noted all the above but also saw Misti as a weapon, a tool and a resource who could be reliably called upon to achieve remarkable things whenever necessary. He hadn’t needed her in that capacity yet but knew some day Misti would have to be given assignments or she would find some other outlets on her own. Edward delayed that appointment by telling Misti that her real work could only begin after she finished college.

  Edward then set Misti to work on new and additional subject matter in college to refocus her on academics and distract her from outside interests. Though only moderately successful, he could tell he was slowly beginning to lose his grip on her mind and began planning the next phase of her education.

  That Adam would break up with Hannah and leave the coast clear for the introduction of Misti into his life was a fortuity he hadn’t expected. But it was most welcome. And timely.

  Whether by supplication to his God or simply the random machinations of the universe, Edward didn’t know or care.

  He did, however, recognize good fortune when it came his way.

  Chapter 57

  Not long after Misti and Adam began the construction of their new home
in Barrows Bay, Misti received a call from Edward to meet him at his office at the Institute that afternoon. He asked that the purpose of their meeting remain between just the two of them, at least for the time being, and that the visit itself be kept secret. Although Misti had always been generally comfortable with these parameters, she no longer understood the necessity.

  “So, I cannot divulge the purpose of a meeting that only you know about. Adam believes there is so much deceit in the air in Barrows Bay that the humidity of deception is almost always near 100%. But, just so there is no misunderstanding, I will only keep our meeting secret from Adam for a limited time. I will not destroy my chance for happiness with him even for you, Edward. Are we absolutely clear on that?”

  “We are crystal clear on that point. Let’s have our chat and then you can decide who gets to know what, and when. Just so we are clear, however, there are certain events or conversations that should probably remain unknown to others. I’m sure you agree.”

  “’There are doubtless matters that need not be resurrected when to inform would not enlighten.’ You told me that when I was thirteen and until now had no idea what you meant. I don’t know whether that means I have an adult understanding of the real world or simply a better handle on your particularly strange pathology. Which do you think?”

  “I believe that questions like that are unanswerable by me or you. We simply are.”

  “And your concept of the concentric circles of relevance?” This was a B-school driven formulation of relative importance, but the concept was tangibly accurate in other aspects of life too.

  “Another discussion better left for another time. But I assume you mean that Adam is the bulls eye and therefore most relevant in knowing what you know.”

  “Correct. There is almost nothing I know that I will not, or would not, share with Adam. If he thinks he needs to know it, then he shall. That’s our agreement and I see no reason to ignore it.”

  “But there are some things you would consider not sharing?”

  “I can think of one solitary item, excluding only matters of taste and preference. And you men have such frail egos that women must usually keep the truth to themselves.”

  “Such as?”

  “Adam’s a great cook but his pancakes and French toast are total shit. But I adore him for trying.”

  “I see the dilemma. Not easy being in love. I’d forgotten about the natural limits of complete honesty in a loving relationship.”

  “So, you were totally honest with Anna?”

  “Hardly. I wanted her to love my construct of me, not me. Loving me would have been … difficult for her, as it would for any sane woman.”

  “How could you possible know that? If you didn’t reveal yourself to her, how could she even have the chance to accept the totality of you?”

  “She might have, of course. But we’ll never know that now, will we. After all, Anna is dead. You and Adam are not.”

  ***

  Misti made her excuses to Adam, who was preoccupied but always attentive, then jogged over to the Administration Building at the Institute where Edward kept his only official office. The door to Room 420 was open, as it always was whenever he kept office hours.

  “So, what is so super-secret that I had to fib to my husband to come over here for a visit with his crazy ass father?”

  “Nothing, actually, and something. The usual.” Edward arranged and rearranged various papers on his desk, a form of mnemonic memory about where things need and ought to be.

  “You are a vile and despicable old man, who I adore. I believe the term is ‘cognitive dissonance’ and I feel it very strongly each time we speak. I should fear everything you do, be mindful that your agenda may not be the same as mine and worry that you have some new little shop of horrors for me to visit. And yet I trust you wholeheartedly, almost without question, and, with a very short list of exceptions, would probably do anything you ask. So, with that behind us, what’s this really all about?”

  “Well, you have done everything I have ever asked …”

  “You’re sure about that?”

  “I am. Of course.” Then he thought about it momentarily, then asked, “You have, haven’t you?”

  Misti smiled her best feline smile, and said “Of course, old man. To the letter.”

  Edward smiled uneasily, “And I have delivered on my promise to you. But now I have an offer to make to you and I would like you to carefully consider your response.” He paused. “How much has Adam told you about our latest Project?”

  “Some, a little, but not very much of the substance.”

  “Meaning?”

  “He doesn’t spend much time talking about things he thinks are a phenomenal waste of time and resources. Since he isn’t sold on the project, he spends very little time thinking about it. What he shares with me is even less.”

  “And you? What do you think?”

  “About your project? Nothing much, really. I truly don’t know anything important and very few details, at least not enough to have an informed opinion. But, if you’re in, I am too. That’s our deal. I’ve already told Adam this. Maybe you can get me up to speed?”

  Misti was probably lying, dissembling at a minimum; Edward was certain of it. Misti wanted to hear Edward’s unvarnished version of the ‘facts’ so she could compare that to Adam’s version and to Adam’s assessment of them. She didn’t want to be the apologist for her husband and his conclusions; neither would she merely take Edward at his word. In the real world of scientific inquiry, what has been proven conclusively and experimentally is true; in the world of dogma and simple opinion, facts are sometimes a needless hindrance.

  Edward thought for a moment, then said, “When you boil down Adam’s objection to our project, it really amounts to one stubborn fact and one with which all people like Adam always have difficulty – being open to the unknown and the extraordinary. Being open to new discoveries and beliefs that are outside the range of known fact and accepted opinion is difficult even for the best and the brightest. Einstein and his cosmological constant as his favored explanation pitted against the theory of an expanding universe. He admitted the error when given undeniable proof, but he nonetheless wanted to believe in the error. Why? Because, that’s why.”

  “Your point? Adam is a scientist, at least we can agree on that, can’t we?”

  “No, we cannot. Adam isn’t a scientist, although he claims to believe in the scientific method of inquiry. There’s an immense difference between the two. Adam refuses to believe in the possibility of our project because he is lazy and simply thinks it is pure science fiction, not science fact. He believes what he believes just because he believes it. Nothing more.”

  “You’re saying he’s wrong?”

  “No, I’m saying we don’t know, at least not for sure. But it is also of paramount importance that we find out who is right. To that end, we should carefully and quietly do the research. Apply scientific principles and test, test, test. Then probe some more and gather facts, not opinions. We cannot have an absolutist view of the world as we currently know it. That would suggest that everything important is already known and we can reason precisely and confidently from that knowledge safely. It isn’t, not by a long shot. Even good scientists struggle with this as a notion as they often do with their own assumptions. And sometimes assumptions, unproven at that, become baked into scientific principles. Did you ever wonder what that might mean?”

  Misti ignored Edward’s question as not genuine. “But why not let someone else do this and we can all get back to our day jobs and regular lives.”

  “Because this is too important, too sensitive and potentially too dangerous to ever reveal to the people who would abuse that knowledge for their selfish purposes. That includes journalists, scientists, politicians and religious figures. You must understand and accept that the confirmation of our hypothesis means the utter devastation of certain underlying principles and assumptions upon whic
h our entire western civilization is founded. If true, everything changes, and those changes may be better managed if the knowledge, for the time being, is restricted.”

  “You sound like the CIA. Big Brother. Does any of this have anything to do with who gets credit for discovery? I mean as an anthropologist?” There was that, of course. The bane of all academics.

  “Not at all. Because I don’t want to supress the truth, I want to discover it. And, once discovered, if it is as I conjecture it to be, then we shall have to decide on the timing of revelation. Carefully and rationally, with consideration for the effects it may engender. ‘Truth’ is simply the existence of proven facts. It is neither good nor bad; it simply is.”

  “Data, just as Adam calls it.”

  “Yes, but as you can well appreciate, it’s not that simple. The truth may be that I hate your dress, or that you look old and tired.”

  “Oh?” Misti now wore the dour face as the recipient of an unintended slight.

  “But would you not agree that it may be a bad choice for me to say so out loud in front of you, or your family and friends? Maybe a slightly better choice is to tell you privately that I think purple is not the best choice of color for you, or that staying out all night partying may have you not looking your best. While it may be true that this is what I think, the revelation of it may best be left to another time or place, or a different manner of presentation.”

  “You don’t like my dress? Isn’t that just your opinion?”

  “What is factual is that I believe something; that belief, however may not be true, or may simply be an opinion. If I say to Adam that I don’t like purple on you, it is a fact that I said something, and it is what I think. It does not mean that I am correct in my opinion, only that I have one and it was expressed.”

  “We’re wandering ever so deep into the deep weeds, old man. Your point is what?”

  “Adam doesn’t believe in our little project because he simply doesn’t want to. He thinks the premise of it as a verifiable possibility is pure science fiction. And, he believes it will embarrass us by making us all look foolish and will ultimately diminish our future credibility. And, by extension that of the Institute and him. He rejects the need for research because he rejects even the possibility of it being true. That isn’t science; it’s dogma. Adam is a good Catholic and a bad scientist.”