Bedtime Eyes

by Amy Yamada

  Suddenly, Coco wondered if it had all just been an excuse. The I $ d

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  woman had claimed that she had come to see Jesse, but what if she was really still in love with Rick? This would be the only way she could think of to see him again. So that was it! It was all clear to her now.

  Rather than hating Rick, his ex actually hated herself because she couldn't stop loving him. She loved Rick so much that she couldn't vent all her anger on him. So even after they split up, she was left with a lot of pent-up emotion for which she had no release. What better excuse than Jesse to keep in touch with Rick? Jesse was their child, a constant reminder of their time together, and he served to feed her self-loathing.

  As long as she had that, Rick would always remain in her heart. Her heart was nothing more than a diary to record her grudges against Rick.

  But she bookmarked the pages with love.

  Rick didn't return her love, so she probably hated Coco, whom he did love. The only way she could get back at Coco for taking her place in Rick's life was by accusing her of not taking good care of Jesse.

  Coco considered Jesse. What on earth was he? He had been tossed back and forth by his parents' love-hate relationship, and as a result he didn't even know how to get the attention or the affection he craved. If his mother and father continued to take out their hatred on each other, there was no denying that it would eventually consume him, too.

  If things continued like this, Jesse would never be able to love anyone. He seemed to know that he couldn't be happy with his mother because she was consumed by hatred for his father. But Coco couldn't believe that he would ever be happy living with her either. Coco didn't exactly hate Jesse, but she didn't love him either. Despite her efforts over the last few months, she still couldn't tolerate him. It was odd that she found it so easy to love Rick, but she couldn't get close enough to Jesse even to begin to touch his heartstrings. Coco felt that if she got close enough to give a tug on even one of those strings, Jesse's heart would unravel like a knitted sweater.

  Jesse's mother started getting ready to leave. She looked completely J E S S E

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  different now from when she had arrived. She picked up her bag and swung it violently across her shoulder. It hadn't been properly closed, so all of the contents fell out and scattered across the floor. There was a cheap lipstick, a worn-out wallet, and a gaudy handkerchief, none of which matched her heavy makeup or her haughty attitude. She scrambled around on the floor to pick them up, and it reminded Coco of Mil-let's painting of French peasant women bent double in the fields collecting the broken heads of wheat after the harvest—the scraps. Coco felt sorry for her. Scraps were all she would have from now on, whomever she found to love.

  Rick didn't move. He watched her but said nothing. Jesse, on the other hand, instinctively got down on his hands and knees to help. So he was able to express his love, thought Coco. The question was whether his mother could accept that love. She had refused to look after him unless she was paid for it. Maybe she, like Jesse, could take love but not return it.

  "Take care of yourself, Jesse," she said. "Next time I'll take you with me."

  Coco showed her to the door.

  She said good-bye to Jesse as she left, but she didn't even go through the motions of thanking Coco or asking her to continue to look after her son for her. She just turned and left with angry eyes and a furrowed brow. That made it all the more clear to Coco that her visit had just been an excuse to see Rick and had nothing to do with Jesse at all.

  As she watched her walk away, Coco felt as though all the energy had been drained from her body. She was frightened to go back into the apartment because she knew that the atmosphere of hatred she detested so much would be lingering there. The air would be thick with it, stifling and cloying, and it would be hard to get the stench out of her nostrils.

  That night Rick went out. He didn't tell Coco where he was going and, even after it got late, he did not return. As he had been putting his jacket on, she had wanted to ask him not to go, but she knew that he couldn't bear the poisonous atmosphere in the apartment and she knew he was the type of man who ran away from situa-tions like this.

  One reason she didn't want him to leave was that she didn't want to be left on her own with Jesse. She wanted to ask the boy why he had lied about her to his mother, but without Rick she didn't have the courage to face him.

  After his mother left, Jesse had gone to his room and hadn't come out. Coco sat alone in the living room with a bottle of gin in her hand, feeling very lonely. Why was it that a man and a woman could be so happy together, but when someone else got involved it could all go so horribly wrong? It wasn't as though she had hated Jesse from the beginning. She had wanted to accept him as a part of Rick's life.

  Coco remembered how hard she had tried to look after Jesse. Before she met him, she had only to smile and she would be rewarded by a thousand compliments from adoring admirers. But she had thrown all I $ d A M Y Y A M A D A

  that away to work like a slave, and she received nothing in return B

  fore, she had been happy because Rick had kept her warm and had made her feel loved; she could just close her eyes and ears and ignore everything else. But things were different now. And Rick's hugs and kisses didn't make up for what she was going through. It was a bit like eating a delicious meal in a high-class restaurant—once you had finished what was on the table, there wasn't any more. And after the initial pleasure of eating had passed, she found it was quickly replaced by much darker thoughts and feelings. Those feelings frightened her because they began to pull together, gradually solidifying and taking shape, slowly turning into Jesse.

  Since he was very small, Jesse had been brought up in an atmosphere of pure hatred and he had been powerless to object. That hatred had formed layers around him, enveloping his whole body, but it wasn't his hatred. It was his parents' hatred for each other. Coco wondered if she could strip off those layers. Or maybe she could smash them with a single blow, crack them open like the rock-salt shell around salt-baked chicken, and suck the tasty chicken gravy from the broken lumps of salt.

  Right now, Coco wanted a man. She knew it wouldn't solve her problems, but she felt she needed a taste of paradise, however brief. But Rick wasn't there for her.

  The gin hadn't lit a fire in her heart yet either, and although all the things she wanted to say to Jesse were whirling around in her mind, she still was not able to spit them all out and tell him what she thought.

  Coco sat alone in the living room, not knowing what to do with her emotions, when Jesse suddenly came out of his room and sat down on the sofa opposite her as though it were the most natural thing in the world. She was amazed. She didn't understand how his attitude could change so easily.

  He calmly opened a magazine and began to read. Coco was thor-oughly confused. The way he was behaving was so seemingly noncha-JESSE

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  lant that she could no longer understand what his true intentions were.

  And though she had so many things she wanted to tell him, she didn't know where to start.

  "Daddy's late," said Jesse without looking up from his magazine.

  He was right. Coco's concern immediately shifted to Rick. Where was he?

  "If Daddy was with someone else, would you be upset?" he asked.

  Someone else? Another woman? Now Coco really began to worry.

  "Would you hate him if he was?"

  She looked deep into his eyes, but Jesse wasn't wearing his usual know-it-all expression. He just stared back at her, the look in his eyes imploring her to say she could never hate his father.

  "If he was with someone else? I've never thought about it," she replied falteringly, almost in tears.

  "Hey, no point worrying about it. He was off with other women all the time when he was with my mama!"

  Coco's heart began to pound. Jesse seemed sure that Rick was with another woman, but she found it difficult to believe that Rick
would ever leave her at home and go off with someone else. Especially since he had always shown her so much love and affection and had seemed so sincere.

  She tried hard to dismiss the idea, but now that the seed of doubt was in her mind, it began to grow.

  What if he really was? What would I do? she wondered.

  "Whiskey and women," said Jesse, imitating Rick, "the best medi-cine! Ain't that right?"

  Coco's eyes filled with tears, and one by one they began to fall. She was overwhelmed by all the emotions she had been trying so hard to control, and, unleashed, they took the form of a river of tears* flowing down her cheeks. She felt as though she were deflating, shriveling up inside.

  Jesse just stared at her in surprise.

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  With her head in her hands, Coco's face was covered, but through th gaps between her fingers she could see Jesse's feet. He wore dirty basket ball shoes and she noticed for the first time that his feet were bigger than hers now. He shuffled closer and she felt his hand gently patting her trembling back. Then Jesse was sitting next to her, quietly stroking her back as she sobbed.

  It felt so good; Coco didn't want to stop crying. Her feelings of anxiety had already dissipated but in spite of that she continued to cry. It was almost as though it was easier to keep crying than to stop. But it was too sweet a feeling to blame simply on inertia.

  Jesse snatched his hand away from her back as he heard the sound of Rick's key in the lock, sending a sudden, nervous twitch through Coco's body.

  Rick seemed a little surprised to see them together, but he calmly walked into the room and sat down.

  "Can you get me some gin, too?" he asked.

  He was drunk, but not so drunk that he couldn't talk. Coco poured him a gin and lime, turning away to hide her tear-streaked face.

  Without a word, Jesse got up to go back to his room, but Rick told him to sit down again.

  "Do you have something to say for yourself?"

  Jesse shrugged his shoulders as if to say he didn't know what Rick was talking about.

  "Don't you like Coco?" he asked.

  There was no reply.

  "Answer me!" he demanded.

  It was one of the few times Coco had seen Rick command any respect from Jesse, and she waited to see what would happen.

  "It's not that I don't like her," said Jesse hesitantly.

  "Well, it certainly doesn't seem like it. Why don't you try showing it sometime? Listen, I know you love your mama and that you'd like it if JESSE

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  we got back together, but you know that ain't gonna happen. Me and your mama have never been able to get along with each other and we always end up fighting. You know that."

  Jesse nodded.

  "Coco loves me," Rick continued. "And that's why she's been trying so hard to look after you, doing all the cooking and cleaning and shit.

  She's doing it for you, not because she enjoys it. When I feel hungry I can go out and get something to eat. And when I don't have anything to wear, I can go out and buy myself some new clothes. And if this place is dirty, it ain't gonna kill me. So why do you think she's doing it? It ain't no volunteer work. She's doing it because she loves me. And how do you pay her back? Have you ever thanked her? Even once? I'm telling you straight now, Jesse, looking after you should have been your mama's job.

  But she never made the effort. She never tried. Coco is making the effort, though. She is trying. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

  Jesse nodded again, but as she listened to what he was saying, Coco couldn't look Rick in the face. She had told her girlfriends that she considered Jesse a volunteer project; she had even told him that to his face.

  "Your problem is that you just don't like me having a girlfriend. You want me to be with your mother, don't you? Shit, I understand that. And if this were a normal family, that would be fine. But this ain't a normal family, is it? Today was a perfect example—me and your mama, we hate each other. Can you imagine how that feels? Well, let me tell you, it's the worst feeling in the world. I don't know about you, but I just want to be happy—that's all. When I married your mama, I was too young to make her happy. And when she was unhappy, that made me unhappy, too. Now all I want is to be happy."

  He took a sip of his gin.

  "Just think about it—when I die, you'll be the one who suffers most.

  I guess Coco will be sad and cry a little, too, but she'll have no problem finding someone to take my place when I'm gone. But what can you do?

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  You can't go out and get yourself a new daddy, can you? You've only got one daddy and that's me. So until you're big enough to fend for yourself you're gonna need me. I am your dad. Aren't I important to you? Don't you even care if I'm lonely because I don't have someone to love? Right now I need Coco. And if she leaves because of you, how do you think that's going to make me feel? Are you gonna tell me you want me to live without a woman? That ain't fair, Jesse. I've got a woman and that woman is Coco. So if you want me to keep on being your dad, you're going to have to start accepting her. I don't think you understand how great it feels to be in love. It's great. There's nothing better."

  Jesse appeared to be deep in thought. But Coco wasn't happy just to hear that Rick loved her. She knew that if Jesse decided to bite the bullet and force himself to accept her for Rick's sake, while they might be able to get along with each other, they would never have more than a super-ficial relationship. That was all she had wanted in the beginning, of course, but that didn't seem to be enough anymore, especially since she had met his mother.

  "Did you used to love Mama as much as you love Coco now?" asked Jesse finally.

  "Yes, I did. But I loved her in a different way. Don't you think Coco's a nice girl? You know, being in love is the best, man. Why don't you try to love her, too?"

  Jesse looked down at the floor in silence. The pages of the magazine on his lap had been scrunched up in frustration.

  "Don't you like her?" pressed Rick.

  "It ain't like that...."

  "Okay, I'll tell you what I think. I think you've already started liking her. But you see, the thing is, when you like a girl, you've gotta tell her.

  If you don't tell her you like her, she'll run away."

  " I . . . I . . . I . . . " Jesse began to whine. "I hate her!" he shouted, and burst into tears. His sobs sounded like the howls of a little wolf.

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  "I love my mama," he sobbed. "I love my mama!"

  Coco sighed. It was over. Jesse may have been wrapped in layers of hate, but underneath it all he was full of love—unrequited love for his mother.

  Now Coco knew what she had to do: she had to leave. She knew it would take time to get over Rick and that she would be very sad for a while, but as he had explained to Jesse, that pain would disappear. She would just have to get used to the idea of losing him.

  There were no tears in her eyes this time. She felt as though all the time she had spent with Jesse had been leading up to this moment.

  What had started as a chance meeting had developed into a challenge, and at one point, she thought she was getting close to Jesse. She remembered the time she had thought Jesse was beginning to warm to her a little. Sure, he had given her a hard time, but in a way he couldn't help it.

  He knew what love was, but however much he tried to express his feelings, the thick layer of pain wrapped around his heart would not allow him to show it. Coco could not imagine how much the internal conflict must have hurt him. Rick had told Coco he loved her, but Jesse needed him most.

  Jesse cried as if his guts were being wrenched out. Rick had never seen him in such a state before and just looked on in silence. As usual, Rick didn't understand what was going on. Someday, thought Coco, the fact that they had the same blood running through their veins might help solve their problems and make everything all right again.

  Coco had made up her mind.

  "Jesse,"
she said quietly, "I've decided it would be best for me to leave. You listen to what your daddy tells you, okay? And you might not believe me, but just remember that I really tried my best to get along with you."

  The howls had subsided, but Jesse hung his head and continued to cry. Coco felt as miserable as if she had been dumped by a boyfriend.

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  Usually, whenever she went after a guy, he would fall madly in love with her and everything worked out fine. But this time, things hadn't gone as she had expected.

  "Coco, don't leave me," whispered Rick falteringly.

  She hesitated. Rick didn't look exactly lost, but she could hear a note of despair in his voice.

  "Jesse, if you don't say something now, it's gonna be just the two of us again."

  Coco didn't expect Jesse to say anything, but even if he did, and even if he tried to stop her from leaving, she knew it wouldn't be because he wanted her to stay, but because his father had asked him to.

  Jesse stood up and opened his mouth as if he was about to speak.

  Coco waited to hear what he had to say. She was sure it would be the last time they spoke to each other.

  " I . . . I . . . " stammered Jesse, then he groaned and lurched forward, violendy throwing up his lunch all over the carpet.

  Coco stood and watched, not even moving forward to rub his back.

  He continued to retch painfully and after a few moments she noticed blood was pouring out of his nose, too. She grabbed a box of tissues from the table and was about to wipe the blood away when the howling started again.

  Blood, vomit, and bestial howling. Coco could not believe the scene that had unfolded before her. The whole thing was so upsetting that she didn't know what to do next. And then Jesse spoke.

  "I love Coco," he spluttered. "If she loves me, I love her, too."

  It was the sound of the rock salt cracking.

  Jesse finished throwing up, rinsed his mouth out in the bathroom, and without another word, went up to bed.