Guarding Gabriel

by J. A. Wynters

  Gabriel seemed calmer that morning. Pleasant even. Ever since Leon came into my life Gabriel was like a man with his back up against the wall. I leaned against his chest and we read. I could feel Gabriel’s roaming hands, the thoughts at the end of his fingers. I didn’t push him away. I should have, but I had been rejecting him for so long over Leon, that it was just nice to have him so relaxed around me.

  The phone sounded shrill in the apartment. Like that bell that saves you from something. I got up, leaving Gabriel on the couch, pouting with a mock sad face.

  “I have to get it, it’s Sammy.” I didn’t have to get it but I wanted to. I hadn’t heard from her in weeks and I missed her. Over my time at The Hot Bird she was like a big sister to me, not working with her anymore had left a gap even Leon’s big cock and giant personality couldn’t fill.

  “Sammy.” I smiled into the phone.

  The silence was odd and I felt the shiver as it ran down my spine. Maybe I sensed it before I heard the snivel. Maybe it was the silence or the way the air quivered around it.

  “Sammy?” I could feel the earth shift slightly, my stomach coiled.

  “Jane.” Her voice shook, my stomach churned in response.

  “Sammy, you’re scaring me, what’s happened?”

  “You haven’t heard?”

  “Sammy.” Gabriel shot me a concerned look from the couch but didn’t get up.

  “Jane. It’s Leon.” I could feel the room spin. “There was an accident.” The air squeezes out of my lungs, the room felt smaller as I reached blindly for a wall.

  “How bad is it?” my chest heaved, my breath sharp and heavy as my lungs struggled for air.

  “Jane, sweetheart.” My throat constricted. “He’s gone.”

  The phone fell from my hand in slow motion, I could hear her voice calling to me, distant and strange. Bile rose to my throat. I clutched my stomach trying to hold the bottom from falling out, but it was too late, it had just fallen from beneath my feet and the rest of my body followed.

  I’m not sure when Gabriel arrived, but his strong hands wrapped around my shoulders.

  “Jane?”

  “Leon,” I whispered, hot tears stinging my face. Gabriel’s hands stiffened around me for just a second and he kissed my forehead.

  “It’s OK Jane, I’m still here.” He wrapped his hands around me, closing in on me like a lid to a crypt, sealing me in darkness and despair.

  “I don’t want you to be here, I want Leon.” I pounded on his shoulders as he held me tighter still.

  “I know you don’t mean that Janey. That’s just the anger talking. It’s all right, it’ll be alright.”

  I had no more words, just tears that fell to the floor like the broken parts of me.

  When I woke up the world was still bleak and black. Every muscle ached and screamed. My body felt heavy, weighed down by deep-set grief that swallowed me whole.

  Despite Gabriel’s attempts, I did not get out of bed for almost a week. Food was a foreign concept as was the shower. I think there may have been some concerned people at the door a few times, but it’s true what they say, if you ignore them long enough, they go away.

  “Would you like to get up today?” Gabriel’s words were sweet, but I could feel the sour undertone beneath. He had been practically dancing around the apartment knowing Leon was out of our lives while I sat in my dark pit my entire universe collapsed.

  Leon was going to be my home. I felt it. I felt it under my skin, in the very sinew of my being, with every beat of my heart and now that same heart lay in pieces, like a mixed-up puzzle with too many parts. I didn’t know where to start rebuilding. I didn’t know that I wanted to.

  Voices came from the corridor, I heard my door and a baritone, followed by the sweet sing-song of Grish.

  “I am in your apartment Jane, I am coming inside.”

  I pulled the blanket over my head and rolled onto my side curling up into a tight ball. I didn’t want him here. I didn’t want anyone here.

  “Jane.” His voice was closer, he must have been at the door. “Jane, today you must get up.”

  I ignored him, he would go away, it worked with everyone else.

  Well almost everyone else.

  “Jane, you need to get up and go shower.”

  “I think he’s serious.” Gabriel’s elated voice whispered in my ear. I swatted him away.

  “Jane. You will get up. Now.” The room was flooded with light, my blanket suddenly shining. I groaned, tucking my knees into my chest, holding the pain and tears at bay. If I moved, it would all spill out. Again.

  “Jane. You must get up today.”

  “Why?” I moaned from beneath the blanket.

  “Because.” His voice became softer, affectionate even. “Today is your last chance to say goodbye.”

  The funeral.

  Already.

  Had it been seven days? Seven days of darkness and oblivion.

  “You must get up and say goodbye.”

  I uncurled my body and poked my head up. I nodded. I wasn’t going to get up alone.

  Grish held out his hand, despite his best efforts to adopt me as a third child of sorts he had always remained stiff around me, alert. Today was no exception. I held on to his hand as if it was the only thing that kept me from falling over the precipice. My knuckles white against his cinnamon skin.

  We took small steps, Grish led me to the bathroom. He sat me on the toilet seat and turned on the water to my shower. He adjusted the taps and looked at me woefully. “Shower, get clean. I’ll be right outside.”

  The stinging water splashed on my face, washing away days of sweat and tears, covering up new ones that erupted from me. My body shook against the cold tiles as I gasped for breath. My mind swinging back and forth from today to our first date. It should have been Leon’s hands washing me.

  “I can do that for you if you like.” Gabriel entered the shower.

  “Just go away.” I turned my back to him. When I turned back, he had left.

  I walked out of the bathroom and my stomach croaked as I smelled the fresh aroma of coffee and eggs, I’m sure there was toast as well. If I wasn’t the neighbour of the only vegetarian in the building, I bet there would have been bacon too.

  I dressed. It was a slow and agonising process. It wasn’t that I was confused about what to wear. It was the heaviness, the dead arms and legs that refused to let me live. To let me get on with things.

  I thought I wouldn’t be able to eat, but I did, I was famished. The food threatened to come up as soon as I had finished it. Maybe it was the coffee that Grish made despite his aversion to the stuff, or maybe it was his sing-song reassurances that helped me keep it down. Keep everything down. Keep it all together.

  Grish took me to the church. The first person I saw was Scott. I knew he was still angry at me. The look he gave me was less than friendly. I wanted to say how sorry I was, how much I missed his brother, how much I missed them both. Instead, I waited like a coward until he turned his back to me and made his way inside, his parents on either side of him.

  I hoped Sammy would rescue me, wrap her arms around me and comfort me in that way only big sisters could.

  Her hug was cold and distant as if we were strangers. Sammy looked me up and down, seemingly perplexed as if she was trying, just like me, to piece together a great big puzzle. I let it go putting it down to her grief.

  Grish remained by my side throughout the funeral. The grip on my hand tightened, as I cried silently when the earth hit the wooden coffin with a sudden and terrifying thud.

  It was all so final.

  The police determined foul play. The brake wires of his car were cut. Was he coming to see me when he didn't stop at the red traffic light? They were looking into some underworld figures Leon was associated with.

  Marco.

  My heart leapt to the same conclusion as my head.

  It would be two years before Leon’s case was solved and two years before I saw any of those people aga
in.

  My recovery was slow and agonising, but where my heart suffered my writing flourished. My next two books were dark and bitter. Gabriel and Mia suffered loss after devastating loss and my readers lapped it up, loving the heart-shredding agony I dragged them through.

  Gabriel brooded a lot. His desire for me was insatiable, and I denied him time and again. His anger sat on the surface like a shimmering mirage. I could not understand his rage. But I used it against him, against Mia and my audience loved it.

  Despite the tragedy, the pain, the brooding and agonising, Gabriel was always there. Comforting, soothing, reminding me every day of his presence. After the eighth month of mourning, I woke to find that the darkened veil that had covered my life had lifted, slowly. The pain and heartbreak simmered to something close to bearable and I could breathe again. Smile and laugh, and open myself up once more. To life, to love, to Gabriel.

  2005

  The restaurant was somewhere I would have never picked. Not because the music was lame or the waiters looked like penguins with carrots up their arses. Not even because of the over the top decor and golden cutlery. It was definitely the food.

  When they placed the bite-sized portions before us, my mouth dropped and my belly grumbled for the fourth time that night. I saw Björn’s face drop when he heard it again. I had no control over my face and suspect it pulled in many directions all at once but not in the happy kind of way where you only use like three muscles to smile with.

  I tried smiling. I could feel the effort I was putting into it, I’m sure he saw it too.

  Björn reached for my hand. A low growl came from across the table. I ignored Gabriel who had been sitting like a third wheel throughout the meal, eavesdropping and being generally annoying.

  Gabriel grew morose and threatening over the last six months. With his potential death or happily ever after, and my promise to Björn to move on to a fresh series, his mood had soured daily. It didn’t help that I refused his every attempt to touch me. I didn’t need his dick, his tongue, him.

  I think somewhere I hoped that pushing Gabriel away would give him the freedom to leave, to go and be happy, perhaps in another place where Mia existed too. I had made my choice. I chose Björn.

  Björn looked into my eyes squeezing my hand gently. “Where did you go?”

  “Nowhere.”

  “Sorry about the food, the place came highly recommended, and I wanted tonight to be special.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “Special? Why?”

  “Well.” He cleared his throat, his usually stoic manner fractured by beads of nervousness that peppered his forehead and made his lip twitch. I could see his knee bouncing at a hundred miles per hour. I liked that he was nervous like this, vulnerable, needy. It made me feel like I needed to wrap myself around him and reassure him.

  “It’s our anniversary today.”

  My face did that oh fuck face. You know the one, the one where you think you’ve forgotten something really important and your face stretches back against itself in a grimace tainted by sheer panic. “What anniversary?” I could hear the nervousness in my voice.

  His face burst into an amused smile. “Relax Jane. It’s just been six months since you made me take a day off work.”

  “How romantic.” My sarcasm was as thick as the zabaglione.

  His smile just widened in response. “Oh Jane. I am not making myself clear. Maybe it’s because you make me so nervous.”

  “Nervous? You?”

  “Every day.”

  “I’m not sure how I should be taking this.”

  My humour was tainted with anger, was he making fun of me?

  Björn released my hand long enough to be able to run his own through that wild mop of his, that dangled and bounced around his fingers, making my own twitch.

  “Jane. All I mean to say is that since the day you came knocking on my door all huffing and puffing and looking incredibly sexy with your red face and dark eyes, I have thought of nothing else but you. The way you’ve made me feel in the last six months has been incredible. Everything you touch it turns to magic. Jane, you make everything better.”

  I could feel the heat rise to my ears and drop to my core, as he continued. “You make everything better, food, conversation, sex, even watching TV. I just…” He sucked in a deep breath as if preparing himself. His eyes found mine, the hot blue fire was smouldering in the furnace of his stare. Fire scorching my resistance, melting my insides with desire and untold dirty things.

  “I love you Jane Miller.”

  I gasped, sucking in the warmth of his words, as Gabriel roared, baring his teeth, his chest heaving fists curled into white tight balls.

  I found Gabriel’s eyes for a second as I whispered the words, “I love you too.”

  Björn Captured my lips in his, a soft pillowy kiss full of promise and delight. There was nothing more than the tenderness of words shared.

  I could feel the sickly-sweet feeling of being wanted as It wrapped its tentacles around me. I could feel the warmth as it spread around my body, splitting my face into an absurd smile that would linger, as Björn took me by the hand and pulled me away from the table. It would linger as he led me to his car. It lingered as we drove home, his hand on my thigh climbing ever higher, teasing promising but leaving me wanting. It lingered as we ascended the lift to the 37th floor.

  But as he pushed me from the door, there would be no more smiling.

  I could already feel the heat in the elevator, it closed in on us as we stood hand in hand. I could feel the tension in his body. Stiff and ready. But he waited. Jaw clenched, hands sweaty. He waited.

  He waited until the elevator came to a smooth stop and the ping echoed in the deserted hallway that separated our doors by fifteen steps.

  Björn yanked on my arm and slammed my body against the cold window pane that overlooked the city and allowed moonlight to saturate the hallway.

  His hands curled into my hair and he clenched his fist around a clump of it, forcing my head up. His vulnerability gone, only pure unadulterated need left behind.

  His lips crashed into mine in a long blistering kiss.

  His burning body pushed mine against the cold pane, fire and ice.

  He released my mouth, his eyes pinning me. While his free hand found its way under my shirt, his hot fingers trailing my skin, tracing the line of my ribs, finding their way to my bra.

  Unceremoniously he pulled it up releasing my breasts. His hands kneading my flesh, his fingers finding my hardening nipples, tweaking, pulling teasing.

  “Björn…” I whispered, my lips ached for his, just out of reach. He tugged my hair, forcing my eyes to lock onto his as he wreaked havoc on my throbbing aching breasts. My body craved him, needed him, his touch forcing his name from my lips.

  He went to work on the other breast, my hips needing to grind against him. His body a steel immovable rod against me.

  “Björn please…” I licked my lips, needing him to take me, and still, he refused. His hand leaving my breasts and indulging itself in a journey down. His finger slid under my skirt, gliding along my thigh. They found the elastic of my underwear. Björn’s fingers expertly pushed the fabric away to one side, sweeping against my wetness.

  I shuddered against him, and a hint of a smile wrinkled his fiery eyes.

  Again he brushed against me eliciting a desperate, hungry moan from me.

  Yearning to move, my body ached for release, as his fingers sparked need and desire from me. I longed for his body.

  For release.

  For more.

  I groaned again, as teasing fingers got me ever closer.

  “I’m going to let you go now Jane.” Björn’s accent thicker with lust, “I love you like this, all wild and hot.”

  I whimpered in response as his hand released my hair. And his body moved away from mine.

  “You slut,” came Gabriele’s hiss in my ear. I was wondering when he would show up.

  I ignored him. Anger didn't have a p
lace here, not now.

  Björn fell to his knees and yanked my skirt and underpants from me. My bare ass, cold against the window panes.

  His tongue found my slit, shooting heat right to my core. I groaned for him, the pleasure building as his tongue flicked around me, tasting, devouring, teasing.

  “Please, Björn.” My legs shook as the edge drew ever closer.

  Nearer.

  My vision narrowed, till a building pulsing moment of release overtook me, the climax burning me to a cinder on a blue heat. I cried out my pleasure as wave after wave overtook me.

  Björn stood up, I don't know when he undid his pants, but they pooled around his feet, his cock erect and twitching, needing a hole to fill. His hands tugged at the hem of my shirt and he pulled the fabric from me, ripping at the bra straps. He disposed of the clothes with a wayward throw.

  His heat scorching me, the cold glass a soothing balm to the inferno inside.

  Björn bent down, his cock found my opening and he thrust himself inside me with a groan. He stood to his full height, and I wrapped my legs around his strong hips. He crushed me to the window. His hips moving, burying himself deeper and deeper with each slow measured stroke. His head nestled in my chest his mouth tasting my nipples, as he pulsed into me, biting, sucking, thrusting, fucking.

  My body forgot how to breathe, as I gasped for air. Need and pleasure built inside me as Björn moved. Grinding against me, thrusting me beyond the window into a land of pleasure so intense, I felt I may cry.

  He pumped his hips, his breath ragged and hot, his eyes strained and heated. Darkness took me again with a final glorious moment of ecstasy, I exploded around him. I cried out my pleasure clutching onto his back, fingers digging into pliable rock. Björn pumped furiously into me, and with a final jerk, he wrapped his hands around my back pulling me onto him, as if he needed to be even deeper. The echoes of my orgasm milking him as he moaned, abandoning himself to pleasure.