My Kind of Love: a Military Romance (Finding Love Book 1)

by Nikki Ash

  “You need a break,” she insists. “You’ve been holed up here for the last four days with RJ. Please, let me help.”

  “I’m his mom,” I snap. “I don’t need or want a break. RJ needs me.” I’m most likely the only parent he has left, I think but don’t say out loud.

  Mom flinches, and I feel bad for the way I spoke to her, but I don’t have it in me to apologize. She’s right. I do need a break. I’m emotionally exhausted, and because I haven’t slept more than a couple hours over the last few days, I’m running on fumes.

  “And you’re no good to him if you’re not taking care of yourself.” She wraps her arms around me and I inhale her soft-scented perfume, allowing myself a brief moment to escape. To pretend I’m fifteen again and my biggest problem is what to wear or who I should hang out with.

  I’m so damn tired, but my mind is racing. It goes from believing Ryan is dead and trying to figure out where I go from here, to having hope he’s alive, which has me trying to search for anything online indicating as such. Unfortunately, while the government will spoon feed little bits of information as they see fit, they won’t give classified details until it’s all been investigated. The only reason Kayla found out what she did was because she’s close with Ryan’s ex, who is still friends with other military wives, one whose husband is at the compound Ryan was at, until he left to go to another one. They can’t give any details, so we don’t know if he’s at the one that was attacked, but the longer he goes without reaching out, the more likely he was.

  “Micaela, you’re an amazing mother,” Mom murmurs into my hair. “But sometimes being a good mom means admitting you need a little help. And it’s okay to have help.” She backs up slightly, framing my face with her hands. “It doesn’t make you any less of a mom.” She kisses the tip of my nose. “There’s a reason for the saying: it takes a village. Your dad and me, your brother and sister, Ryan’s family…Even Lexi and Georgia…we’re your village. Let us help.”

  I release a harsh breath, letting myself feel the weight of the situation. My head and heart hurt. My body is sore, and it’s hard to keep my eyes open. “Okay,” I choke out.

  Mom smiles softly. “I’ll take RJ home with me. Take a bath and relax. Read a book, watch crappy TV. Take a nap. Go for a walk. I know it won’t be easy, but for a little while turn it off.”

  “Okay,” I repeat.

  “If you’re up for it, come over for dinner. If not, RJ can stay the night.” She picks RJ up, who immediately grins, excitedly cooing at his grandma.

  “I love you, little guy,” I say, kissing his cheek. “Thank you, Mom. Love you.”

  “I love you, too.” She kisses my forehead one more time before she heads out the door with RJ.

  Taking her advice, I run a hot bubble bath in the Jacuzzi tub. I spend the next hour shaving and relaxing. I use my iPad to read a couple chapters of the book I’m reading—although, I couldn’t tell you what’s actually happening. When the water turns cold, I jump in the shower and wash my hair, which hasn’t been washed in days.

  When I get out, with a towel wrapped around me, I pad into the bedroom to get dressed. I’m about to grab my underwear and pajamas from my drawer, when I spot Ryan’s ARMY hoodie hanging in the closet. My stomach plummets, remembering all his stuff is in here. Because he’s supposed to be here…

  I snatch it off the hanger and pull it over my head, the scent of Ryan immediately enveloping me. Instead of putting on my underwear, I put on a pair of his boxers, rolling them up twice so they don’t fall. Then, I climb into bed, knowing I probably won’t fall asleep, but also knowing I need to try. Like my mom said, I need to take care of myself so I can take care of RJ.

  When my eyes won’t close, I grab my laptop from the nightstand and drag it over. My finger glides across the trackpad, waking it up, and Ryan’s face surfaces. The last thing I watched was his video to RJ. I click out of it, and his other video taunts me. It’s in the same file folder, named Don’t Watch. Ryan named it that to remind me that it should only be watched if something happens to him—if he doesn’t make it back.

  My finger moves the cursor to the file, but I don’t yet click. If I open this, it’s like admitting he’s gone, and I’m not ready to admit that yet. No, I won’t open it until his body has been found, or at least until someone confirms his death.

  I shut down the computer and snuggle into Ryan’s blankets. Since we’re using his bed, we’re also using his sheets. Kayla suggested I wash them, unsure when the last time he washed them was, but I was too afraid they would lose his scent. If he doesn’t come home, eventually his smell will disappear. Just like Ian’s did. And all that will be left are the memories.

  My heart squeezes behind my ribcage as I think about my memories with Ryan. While I had years with Ian, I only had less than four weeks with Ryan. Sure, we’ve spent the last four months texting and getting to know each other, but it’s not enough. What will I tell RJ about him? I don’t know enough to make sure he knows his daddy. I don’t have memories to share. We never went to the movies, or experienced embarrassing moments. We didn’t have any inside jokes. Hell, we haven’t even gone on a single date. I guess his family will have to share their memories with him…

  Sobs bubble up and over, racking my body, as I cry for a life I never got to have with Ryan. We created the most precious gift, yet we never got to experience parenthood together. There’s so much more I want to know about him, and now it might be too late—I may never have a chance to get to know him.

  Lifting the hoodie over my head, I snuggle deeper into the fabric, trying to make it feel like Ryan’s body is wrapped around mine. As my heart thumps loudly and painfully in my chest, I weep into the blanket, until my lids can’t handle the pain anymore, and my eyes close of their own accord, forcing me to fall into a fitted sleep.

  Ryan

  “Fuck!” I fling the useless device across the vehicle. “Fucking piece of shit won’t turn on.”

  “Well, it’s been through hell,” Sergio points out. “Literally.”

  I give him a pointed look, but can’t argue. What we just went through over the past week is probably the definition of hell. If not, I imagine it’s damn close. The ambush, which thankfully ended with the Afghani terrorists all dead—some by their own hands and some by ours—also ended with two of our men dead. I didn’t know any of them well, since they weren’t part of my squad, but it still hits each one of us hard as hell. We took a bad fucking loss that day. Once everything was under control, we spent days getting everything sorted. I knew my family would be freaking out, but I had no way of communicating with them. And even if I could’ve, I wouldn’t have been allowed to. Because of the attack, we were under strict black out orders until we were back on U.S. soil.

  “Can I borrow yours?”

  “Yeah.” He hands me his phone.

  I go to type Micaela’s number, but I realize I don’t fucking know it by heart. Luckily, I know Marco’s. He answers on the first ring. “Hello?”

  “Hey, it’s Ryan.”

  There’s a long pause and then a deep sigh. “Thank fuck. You okay?”

  “Yeah, just running a few days late,” I joke, trying to make light of the situation. I can’t go into details over the phone.

  “Not funny,” he snaps. “We’ve been worried sick. We thought…” He sighs. “Your mom said…”

  “My mom?” How the hell does she know anything?

  “Yeah, I guess someone told someone and that person told her. She showed up freaking out. Nothing was confirmed, but there was speculation.”

  Jesus, fuck. Micaela must be going out of her fucking mind. I’m not just running late…I’m missing.

  “I’m okay,” I choke out. “I need to get a hold of Micaela, but my phone is fucked. Do you have her number?”

  “Yeah.” He rattles off her number.

  “Can you tell my parents I’m okay? I didn’t realize something was said to my mom. I’m leaving the airport now. I have to stop at the base
, but then I’ll be on my way to you.”

  “She’s at your house…Umm…the house you bought her.”

  “She’s living there?” My heart swells at the thought. She never told me that.

  “It’s supposed to be a surprise. I’m sure she’ll tell you once you get a hold of her, but just in case she’s too distraught, that’s where she is.”

  “Thanks.”

  We hang up and I dial Micaela’s number. It rings several times before going to voicemail. Maybe she’s not answering because she doesn’t recognize the number.

  “Hey, baby, it’s Ryan. I didn’t want to leave a voicemail, but I just want you to know I’m okay. I’m calling from a buddy of mine’s phone. Mine isn’t working. I’m on my way to you, but I won’t have any way of talking until I get a new phone. I love you.”

  I hang up and hand Sergio back his phone. “Thanks. If she calls back, can you let her know I’ll see her soon?”

  Sergio nods.

  As soon as we get back to the base, since all the paperwork was already done, I say bye to my men and head out. I’ll deal with everything else tomorrow. Today, I need to get home to Micaela and RJ.

  Not having a phone is killing me, and the fact that Micaela didn’t call Sergio’s phone back has me feeling sick inside. She doesn’t know I’m okay…

  I pull up to the house I bought and see her SUV in the driveway. Leaving my shit in the vehicle, I slam the truck door and run up to the house, using my key to get in. The first thing I notice when I step inside is that it’s furnished. It’s still kind of bare, but there are all of the necessities. My eyes go to the photos on the wall behind the couch—of us and our families. They’re all candid, but the way they’re printed makes them look professional.

  A phone ringing from somewhere in the house has me reluctantly tearing my eyes from the photos. I locate the phone on the end table and see Marco’s name on the caller ID.

  “Hello.”

  “Hey, you’re with her?” he asks, sounding concerned.

  “I’m with her phone. I just got here, but it doesn’t look like anyone is here.”

  “RJ is with us,” Marco says. “Micaela…” He clears his throat. “She wasn’t doing real well, so Bella convinced her to let us take him so she could have a little break.”

  Damn it, I hate what she’s been going through, and more so, that I’m the one to put her through it. This is exactly what she feared would happen.

  “Maybe she went for a walk,” he suggests.

  “I’m going to check the rooms for her now and then I’ll go from there.”

  We hang up and I go in search of Micaela. I find her in the master bedroom. My furniture from my parents’ place fills the once empty space. She’s lying on one side of the bed, cuddled into my blankets, and I immediately recognize my hoodie on her. Her face is scrunched up in what looks like pain, and I imagine she finally fell asleep thinking the worst.

  I take a second to watch her sleep, then using her phone camera, snap a picture. She’s so fucking beautiful with her curly hair splayed out across my pillow. Her heart-shaped lips are puckered, and her brows are furrowed like she fell asleep against her own will.

  Needing to touch her, I undress out of my OCPs, then change my boxers for a fresh pair. I should probably shower, but I can’t wait that long to have her in my arms.

  Edging across the bed, I align our bodies so her back is to my front. I nuzzle my face into her hair, inhaling deeply and drawing in her scent, rememorizing her smell: vanilla. It’s a little different than before I left. She must’ve switched shampoos. I gently lift her head, pushing my arm under her and wrapping my other arm around her torso. I should probably wake her up, but she’s sleeping so peacefully and her dad said she’s been having a rough time. So instead, I snuggle into her back and close my eyes, finally feeling my heart calm for the first time in four months. My body and mind feel centered. Right here, with this woman, I finally feel at home.

  Micaela

  Taking a deep breath, I crack my eyes open, feeling refreshed. I’m not sure how long I slept for, but my eyes no longer feel like they weigh a hundred pounds and my body doesn’t feel as sore. My head is no longer fuzzy. I feel rested. I listen for RJ but quickly remember my mom took him—because I was exhausted. Because Ryan is missing. Now that I’ve had a break, I should go get RJ and bring him home. I feel around for my cell phone, but instead my hand comes across a hard… body?

  The second it sinks in, I roll over and scoot back, almost falling off the side of the bed. Strong hands catch me, though, before I do, and it’s then I realize Ryan is in bed with me.

  “Whoa, it’s just me,” he says, a soft smile on his face.

  “If I’m dreaming this, I’m going to be seriously pissed,” I blurt out, bringing my hand to his face to make sure he’s real.

  Ryan’s mouth turns down into a frown. “You’re not dreaming, baby.” He runs his finger down the center of my face, starting with my forehead and trailing his fingertip along the center of my nose and down to my lips, tracing the outline of my mouth. “I’m here.”

  His words are like electricity to my body and mind, and it all clicks at once: he’s here, alive, safe. With me. And without thought, I’m climbing on top of him and then peppering kisses all over his face. His forehead, his temples, his nose, both cheeks.

  He chuckles as my hands roam across his bare shoulders and down his chiseled chest, making sure he’s really okay. If possible he’s even more muscular and toned than he was four months ago.

  “I’m here,” he repeats.

  “I need to make sure you’re okay,” I explain through a relieved sob.

  Our mouths connect in a passionate kiss that sends a bolt of electricity to my heart, reviving it after days of it barely beating. Fat tears roll down my cheeks and Ryan breaks the kiss to lick each one. “Shh, it’s okay,” he coos, gripping my hips and shifting us so he’s sitting up against the headboard and I’m straddling his lap. “Don’t cry, please.”

  I wrap my hands around him, clinging to his neck, while he kisses more of my falling tears that I can’t control. “I didn’t think—” Before I can finish my sentence, Ryan places his fingers to my lips.

  “I know, baby. But I’m here. I’m so fucking sorry it took me longer to get to you, but I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

  Before I can argue, for now, his lips crash against mine. Tasting, coaxing, consuming. My body sinks against his, but it’s not enough. I need to feel closer.

  I break our kiss, only long enough to remove his hoodie, then my mouth goes back to devouring his. With my body pressing against his, skin to skin, it’s better but still not enough.

  Sensing my irritation, Ryan pauses our kiss. “What’s the matter?”

  “I…” My brown eyes lock with his blue, and it hits me once again that he’s actually here with me. I hoped and prayed and begged God for him to come home and he’s here. “I need you,” I breathe, meaning that in every sense of the word.

  Without me having to explain, Ryan knows exactly what I need. He flips us over, so I’m on my back and he’s on top of me. He brings his mouth down to mine and kisses me with abandon. I reach down and remove his boxers, then mine, so we’re both completely naked. His lips leave mine, and he trails soft kisses down the side of my face, along my jaw. He kisses across my neck, and once he’s to my breasts, he places an open-mouthed kiss to each of my nipples, sucking them gently.

  “I missed you so much,” he murmurs, massaging my breast before he wraps his lips around the hardened peak again. My legs are wrapped around his thighs, and my center tightens in response.

  “I never want to go another day without touching and feeling you,” he says as he lowers a hand and inserts a finger into me. “Fuck.” His face falls next to mine, his lips right up against my ear. “Your body missed me, didn’t it?”

  Unable to find my voice, I nod, lifting my pelvis as Ryan inserts another digit. He slowly pumps his fingers in and out, coaxing an
orgasm from deep inside me. His thumb massages my clit gently, and I explode around him.

  “Yes,” he hisses, removing his fingers and replacing them with his hard length. With his arms caging me in, he thrusts into me, connecting our bodies in the most intimate way.

  Our mouths meet once again, and his tongue strokes mine to the same rhythm he makes love to me. Heat floods through my veins, setting my body on fire. I didn’t realize how cold I was, until now. Ryan’s touch, his kisses, the way his body connects with mine, warms every part of me in the best way possible.

  We’re so close, I’m not sure where he ends and I begin. I can feel the thumping of his heart against my chest, the shakiness of his breath against my mouth, and when he finally lets go, whispering that he loves me, I can feel his entire body shudder as his warm seed fills me in the most delicious way.

  Ryan

  “I want you again,” Micaela says, her voice sounding upset by her admission.

  After we finished reuniting, we made love again, this time with her on top. After that, I dragged her into the shower to rinse off, and from there, we climbed back into bed. She wrapped herself around my body, her soft legs tangling with mine. Her face found its place against my chest, and mine nuzzled into the curve of her neck. Neither of us said a word, instead choosing to just hold each other, reveling in the quiet moment of contentment.

  It didn’t take long before her warm body, rubbing against mine, caused my dick to get hard. I ignored it, not wanting the moment to be about sex, but simply about me holding her.

  “And that’s a bad thing?” I ask, lowering my eyes to look at her.

  “I also want to go get RJ so you can see him.”

  “Ahh…” I say in understanding. I want nothing more than to go see our son, but I also want this time with Micaela. I need this time with her.