The Book of David

by Kate L. Mary

  He drags me into his father’s office before releasing me, giving me a little shove like he can’t stand having me close. The door slams shut as I stumble forward, but I only make it a few steps before my legs give out and I collapse into a chair. I’m still sobbing, and every inch of me feels like it’s cracking and I’m on the verge of falling to pieces.

  “How could you do this to me?” David says through gritted teeth.

  His voice shakes as much as his body. He clenches his fists and takes a small step toward me before backing away, shaking his head. David’s face looks like a twisted version of itself, and he inhales and exhales like he can’t get control of his emotions. My insides quiver with fear. For years, I’ve been afraid he would force himself on me, but I’ve never seen him like this, never feared he would hit me.

  I cower, but no matter how scared I am, I refuse to lie. The worst has already been done to me. Jared has been taken away. Everything else will feel like nothing in comparison to the pain of that.

  “I don’t love you, David,” I say, quietly but with conviction. “This wasn’t my choice, I didn’t ask to be betrothed to you, and I don’t want to be your wife.”

  David rushes forward and slaps me across the face with enough force to send my head jerking back. It bangs against the wall, and pain shoots through my skull as stars burst behind my eyes, and I’m forced to close them when the room goes out of focus.

  It takes a minute or so for the pounding in my head to ease, and when I open my eyes again, David is sitting in a chair, his gaze burning me. I grip the arms of the chair, but neither of us says a word.

  By the time the door finally opens, the silence in the room has made it difficult to breathe.

  Father David walks in looking as calm and collected as always. “David, I would like to speak to your bride alone.”

  My fiancé gets to his feet without a word, still radiating with anger, and I prepare myself for the inevitable.

  “We had an agreement, Willow.” Father David says once the door’s shut and we’re alone. He leans against the desk with his arms crossed, frowning down at me. “Perhaps you decided your unloving mother wasn’t worth it?” He raises his eyebrows. “Looks like I have someone new to use as motivation.”

  All the air leaves my lungs.

  It’s like I’ve been punched, and even though I can’t breathe, two things instantly become obvious. One, Jared is alive, and two, if I don’t cooperate, he won’t stay that way for long.

  It takes a few seconds to get enough air to speak, but when I do, I say, “Don’t hurt him, please!” The words come out raspy and desperate, and I have to swallow before I can say anything else. “I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll marry David. I’ll even pretend to love him. Just don’t hurt Jared.”

  Father David shakes his head. “Then what? I’m not in the habit of keeping prisoners, and I can’t have him walking around the community like everything is perfect. You two have been sneaking around for weeks. Why would you stop just because you’re married to my son?”

  I search Father David’s face as I try to figure out what’s happening. He knew Jared and I were seeing each other. Why did he let it go on for so long? He could have stopped it any time, but he let it go on. Why?

  I have so many questions spinning through my head, but I can only focus on one thing—Jared.

  “Then let him go,” I say. “Take him somewhere far away and drop him off. He won’t find his way back, and I’ll still be here. I’ll cooperate. As long as I know you’ve kept him alive. Please.”

  Father David purses his lips and stares at the floor, and I hold my breath, waiting.

  After a few seconds, he looks up and smiles. “I’ll have to pray about it. See what God tells me to do.”

  The laugh that tries to force its way out nearly chokes me. Is he really this delusional? Everything about this place and the man in front of me tells me he is, which means that right now all I can do is pray the voices in his head tell him to keep Jared alive.

  “Until then,” Father David says, pushing off the desk and walking toward me, “we need to find a place for you. I don’t trust that you won’t try to run off.”

  The cellar.

  No.

  I can’t face another punishment. The wedding is only four days away, but I don’t think I can take being locked in a hole for even one day. Not again. I break out in a cold sweat, and tears spring to my eyes as I frantically search for a way to escape. There isn’t one, though.

  Dear God, if you exist, please don’t let this happen to me again.

  I have just enough time to utter the silent prayer before Father David grabs my arm and jerks me to my feet. “Don’t make a scene, Sister Willow,” he says as he drags me across the room.

  David is standing right outside the door, and other voices fill the once silent halls, floating through the building. I’m not positive, but I think I can hear Jared calling my name in the distance.

  Father David hands me off to his son, and I cry out when my future husband’s fingers dig into my arm. He jerks me closer, squeezing me even tighter as his dark eyes blaze, and all the fight leaves my body in an instant.

  “Take her to the house and put her in the extra room,” Father David tells his son. “Make sure you lock it. She has agreed to marry you, but she needs to take the next four days to repent. Unfortunately, we only have one room for repentance, and it looks like we need that for Brother Jared.”

  Relief washes over me even as my chest tightens in dread. I won’t be going into the windowless hole, but Jared will be. I would never wish that punishment on anyone, especially someone I care about, but right now it’s the best we can hope for. Especially when the alternative to being locked in the cellar is death.

  When David drags me from the building, I don’t bother fighting. I work on taking deep breaths. On coming to terms with the fact that I’m going to have to cooperate to save Jared. If that means once again giving myself to David, I’ll do it, and even though the realization stings, it’s easier to accept than the previous agreement I had with Father David.

  Tears stream down my face as David pulls me toward his house, but this time they aren’t because I’m sacrificing my future. They’re because I may never get to see Jared again.

  David pulls me through the front door, and the memories of the last time he took me to his room come screaming back. As usual, panic is right on their heels. I stumble over my own feet, barely able to stay standing as he drags me forward. We reach the bedrooms, and he shoves me through the door. I fall, landing on my hands and knees, but quickly spin around, too scared to have my back to David.

  “I don’t know why you want to hurt me, Willow,” he says through clenched teeth.

  My fear of him hasn’t subsided, but I lift my chin and force myself to meet his angry gaze. When I’m alone, I’ll have plenty of time to prepare for the years of submission and servitude ahead of me, but for now, I refuse to give in. I’ll keep this moment for myself. Show David I’m strong. He hasn’t broken me. I may be surrendering, but it’s of my own free will.

  My future husband’s eyes flash, but he doesn’t take a step toward me. Instead, he slams the door in my face, throwing me into complete darkness. The lock clicks, and I flinch, but I know it could be worse.

  I can’t see a thing, so I stay where I am until my eyes have adjusted enough to at least make out some shapes. When I finally get to my feet, I move slowly across the room, holding my hands out in front of me so I can feel my way through the darkness. My fingers brush the wall, and I run them across the smooth surface, searching for the light switch. When I find it, I flip it up and the lamp on the bedside table turns on, flooding the room with light.

  My arms hang useless at my sides and my body is slumped. Every nerve and muscle inside me is numb. Dead. I feel dead. Empty. The only thing I have left is the ache in my chest. The ache for Jared.

  I force my legs to move. They’re heavy as I walk to the bed and pull the covers down. I kick my
shoes off and remove my skirt, then climb into bed wearing just my blouse and underwear.

  Tears fall from my eyes, and I pull the covers up over my head. Sobbing. Mourning the loss of my future and the only person who’s ever cared about me. If I could do it all over again, I would run away with Jared the first time he asked me to, but I can’t, and my indecision has cost both of us everything.

  Chapter 18

  The creak of the bedroom door opening wakes me, and I automatically yank the covers up to my chin.

  Father David walks in, carrying a glass of water.

  “I brought you something to drink,” he says as he takes a seat on the foot of the bed.

  The fact that he didn’t bring me anything to eat doesn’t escape my notice, but I’m not surprised. Not this time.

  My stomach growls when I sit up, but I push the hunger away, knowing I won’t be eating any time soon. I take the water from him and sip it, holding his gaze the entire time. After one drink, I set the glass on the bedside table. This could be the only water I get today, and I need to make it last.

  “God has spoken to me,” Father David says after a moment of silence.

  My insides twist, and I pluck at the sheets while I wait for him to continue, but he just watches me. Saying nothing. I feel like we’re playing some kind of game, only I don’t know the rules. Father David has the advantage, and the victory flashing in his eyes tells me he knows it.

  “For the time being,” he finally says, “Brother Jared will stay where he is. God told me he needed to be punished, but that if he were given time, he would repent.” When Father David sighs, his expression looks almost sad, but I don’t buy it. I know this man too well. “I hope he does. I don’t savor the thought of having to take care of Brother Jared the way I did that couple at the ranch. They were outsiders, and it didn’t bother me to take their lives because they were just wasting them anyway. But Brother Jared is one of my Children.”

  Dread pools in my stomach, but his words also bring me a little bit of comfort. Jared will be okay for the time being. I just have to pray he’ll somehow be able to convince Father David he’s repented. If we can just make it back to the way things were, if we can rejoin the community without being watched carefully, who knows what will happen. Maybe we can still find a way to be together.

  The story Jared told me about the last time I escaped comes to mind, and I cringe when I think about all the people in the community and what they could be going through right now. How they might be punished for what we’ve done.

  “What have you told the Children?”

  Father David’s eyes never leave my face, but I can’t meet them directly. I’m too afraid he’ll be able to see inside me. That he’ll know I’m still hoping Jared and I can make this work.

  “I’ve told them you’re ill.” Father David crosses his arms over his chest. “They’re praying for your speedy recovery since the wedding is so soon. Your mother and George know differently, of course. George agreed it was best to keep it quiet.”

  I swallow, thinking about what this means for my mother. George is probably putting her through hell right now.

  “What about Jared?” The question is barely a whisper, but I have to know.

  “I told them Brother Jared has sinned against the Children and is being punished. There will be prayer vigils until Friday. If he hasn’t repented by Saturday, I’m afraid I’ll have to take care of the situation. God has given him a deadline, and even I cannot go against the will of God.”

  I close my eyes.

  It feels like someone is sitting on my chest. Thinking is difficult, especially with the way the room is spinning, but I know this can’t be happening. It can’t be real. Life just can’t be this unfair.

  “You need to learn how to control yourself, Willow,” Father David says, and I force myself to open my eyes and meet his hard stare. “The Children will be watching once you’re married.”

  My body hasn’t calmed down, but at this rate, I doubt it ever will. If anything, I may have lost control of my emotions right along with everything else. My life, my future, my body.

  “Why should I?” I can barely get the words out because my throat feels like it’s been scraped raw and the tightness in my chest has made it nearly impossible to keep breathing. “If you’re just going to kill Jared anyway, why should I bother cooperating?”

  Father David shakes his head, feigning disappointment. “You obviously haven’t paid close attention to the teachings of The Book of David. Once you’re married, my son will have the authority to do whatever it takes to help you learn your place. It’s his job to teach you to be submissive.”

  I sit up straighter. He’s right. I haven’t paid attention. But it explains so much about how the women around here act, and why Father David is keeping Jared alive until Saturday. All he has to do is get me down the aisle, and I’ll be his son’s responsibility. David will be free to do whatever he likes with me.

  “I see how you are in David’s presence. He has a calming effect on you. You freeze when you’re with him. You cringe when he touches you.” Father David smiles, and the look is pure evil, like the devil is standing in front of me. “I have confidence in my son’s ability to teach you how to be submissive. I know he’ll do whatever it takes.”

  He’s been watching me closer than I thought.

  Memories of my one night with David hit me. Even thinking about it makes me shrink into myself, and I know Father David is right. Once his son has me, I’ll be nothing. I won’t be able to fight, and I won’t be much more than a walking ghost. Just like his mother was. Will I have the strength left to fight even if Jared is allowed to return to the community? I don’t know, but I do know I have to find a way to stand up to him. No matter what it takes, I have to get out of here.

  When Father David’s stern look is replaced by a smile of satisfaction, my insides quiver.

  He’ll never give me the chance. It’s impossible. I won’t be allowed to leave this house until the moment of the wedding, and then I’ll be in the worship hall, surrounded by the rest of the community. What can I do then? The men here believe every word out of Father David’s mouth. Even if I stood in front of them and screamed at the top of my lungs that I didn’t want to marry David, they wouldn’t care, and they’d stop me if I tried to run. I’ve backed myself into a corner, and Father David knows it.

  This is why he waited so long to stop Jared and me from seeing one another. He knew he had me where he wanted me. We were playing a game, one that guaranteed him my life was his if he just played his cards right.

  Father David’s grin widens as he stands to leave. His work here is done. He knows I’ll do whatever I can to keep Jared alive, even if it means marrying David.

  A few hours later, the door opens and my mother walks in. She has dark circles under her eyes, and her body is more slumped than usual. There are also fresh bruises on her neck. Dark purple and black, peeking out from the collar of her shirt. I try not to look at them, but it feels like they’re calling out to me. Like my name is written on them. I shouldn't be surprised. George was probably furious when he was told about my indiscretion.

  “Mother,” I say, sitting up. “What are you doing here?”

  She frowns and walks toward me, twisting her hands. “I just don’t know where I went wrong when I raised you, Willow. Why you can’t learn to be obedient?”

  My shoulders stiffen when hatred creeps up on me, squeezing all the sympathy and guilt from my heart.

  “I guess I was just born bad,” I say, refusing to acknowledge that she played any part in how I turned out.

  She twists her hands together more insistently, and her frown deepens until the lines on her face look like they were carved into her skin. “Why can’t you just do what God tells you to?”

  I let out a bitter laugh. “You mean God, or Father David?”

  Her eyes grow wide. Angry. For a moment, I’m sure she’s going to yell, possibly even slap me across the face. But all she say
s is, “God uses Father David to tell us what to do. If you would only accept the truth, your life would be so much easier.”

  I laugh again, and the harsh sound fills the room, making the space between us seem larger. “Like yours?”

  She nods so hard a clump of hair falls from her bun and drops across her forehead. “Yes, like mine.”

  “You really think God, if there is one, wants this kind of a life for you? Being treated like a servant? Being beaten because you’re not perfect? Those are the kinds of things God would approve of in your mind?” I look away when she nods. “God wouldn’t approve of much that happens in Mt. David, if anything at all.”

  “Willow!” she says, raising her voice. “Stop this right now! You need to be respectful.”

  I throw myself back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling so I don’t have to look at her. My mind is racing. I’ve given up everything for her. Agreed to give myself to someone I don’t love, lost the only person in the world who has ever cared about what happens to me, given up my past and my future. All for her. But nothing I do is ever enough. And it never will be.

  “This is it,” I say, tearing my eyes away from the ceiling so I can meet her gaze one last time. “I won’t sacrifice anything else after this. I’ve given up everything for you, but I can’t do it anymore. After this, you’re going to have to face the consequences of joining this cult on your own. I can’t take the burden anymore.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  I search the eyes of the wounded woman who has raised me. The lack of sympathy I find there helps the remainder of my guilt melt away, and I’m finally able to let her go. “I love you, Mother. I always will, but from now on, I need to make choices that are right for me.” Tears sting my eyes when it hits me that this could be the end of her, but I don’t give in. “I’m sorry for what that might mean for you, but you’ve made your choices, and now I have to make mine.”