Crush

by Tracy Wolff

  He laughs. “I’m sure it’s not going to come to that.”

  “I’m not.”

  But I said I would give it one more shot, so I will. I get my wings up to speed, and then I concentrate on moving forward, sans breaststroke.

  For a minute, it looks like I’m about to go backward, and then suddenly, I jerk forward. “Oh my God!” I screech, beyond excited…until a few seconds later, I plummet about fifteen feet straight down.

  Jaxon catches me, just like he said he would, and then suddenly, I’m flying. Forward. In a straight line.

  “I’m doing it!” I shout to Jaxon, who is grinning hugely about twenty feet behind me, still hovering where we started.

  “I can see that,” he answers.

  “I’m flying, Flint!” I shout down below me.

  Flint gives me a big grin and a double thumbs-up in return.

  “Hudson! I did it! I’m flying!” I whisper excitedly, knowing he can hear me at any distance.

  “Yeah, you are.” Suddenly, he’s floating on his back next to me. “Wanna race to the end of the field?”

  “Only if you don’t ‘let’ me win.”

  He lifts a brow. “Do you know me at all?”

  “Good point.” I flap my wings extra hard, just to see what will happen. Then squeak with delight as I move ahead.

  Hudson laughs, then pulls back even with me a few seconds later. “Ready?” he asks.

  I nod. “On your mark.”

  He rolls over. “Get set.”

  I get myself into position, then yell, “Go!”

  We shoot through the sky, and though a part of me knows he’s not actually flying next to me, for these few seconds it feels like he is—and it’s amazing. Exhilarating. Intoxicating.

  We race through the air, going faster and faster and faster, until we hit the finish line together. I pull up, do a quick loop-the-loop that leaves me breathless and laughing, while Hudson does a front somersault.

  Down below, Macy and Flint and Mekhi are cheering, and so is everyone else. I wave to them, then glance back at Hudson to share my joy, only to realize that he’s gone. Or, more accurately, that he was never there at all.

  Suddenly, the race doesn’t feel quite so amazing. And neither does anything else, though I have no idea why.

  “Hudson?” I reach out, wondering if he’s gone back to wherever he goes when he doesn’t want to talk to me.

  “I’m here,” he answers in my thoughts. “You looked great out there.”

  “We looked great out there.”

  “Maybe.”

  I can feel him starting to say more, but before he can, Jaxon is right in front of me, wrapping his arms around me in a celebratory hug. “That was awesome!”

  I gaze up at his face beaming down at me. “It was, right? I can’t believe I did that. Can you?”

  “Of course I can. I’m beginning to figure out that you can do anything, Grace.”

  “Umm, no. But tell me the truth. How much of that was me and how much was you?”

  Jaxon grins. “That was one hundred percent you.”

  “At the end?” I ask, eyes wide as I think about the loop-the-loop I turned.

  “No, the whole time. It was all you. That was my last idea. To let you go and see what happened if I wasn’t holding you back.”

  64

  Pardon My

  Existential Crisis

  There’s something in the way Jaxon talks about holding me back—or, in this case, not holding me back—that makes me nervous. I don’t know what it is, considering he’s never been anything but supportive, but it niggles at me for the rest of the afternoon as Flint and the others teach me Ludares’s rules and tactics.

  Or, should I say, attempt to teach me, as every single person on the field has their own idea of the right way to play the game—which, I figure, should make for a really interesting team strategy.

  “It’s all about the portals,” Xavier tells me at one point. “Sure, they’re going to screw you over sometimes, but you’ve got to use them. You hit the right one and you win the game, just like that.” He snaps his fingers to illustrate. “Plus, the crowd loves it!”

  “The crowd also loves when you end up surrounded by the enemy and all alone as the ball burns the shit out of you,” Eden contradicts with a hard eye roll. “It’s about getting the ball down the field, Grace. You do that and they’ll love you, no matter what. And portals may be flashy, but a straight shot makes one hell of an impression, too.”

  “For now,” my cousin tells me when we’re walking to our positions later in the afternoon, “the most important thing is that we work together and build a team. If we do that, the rest will come.”

  “No mercy!” Flint tells Jaxon, Gwen, and me as we get into our last huddle of the day. Gwen joined up after her test, and I have to admit, I’m grateful to have a witch on our side now. Thoughts of Macy turning all of us to turtles have been dancing in my head for hours. “When it comes to Ludares, mercy is for weaklings. We’re going to go into these last plays and crush them into dust.”

  “What if I don’t want to crush them into dust?” I ask, winking at Jaxon, who is rolling his eyes behind Flint’s back.

  “Do it anyway,” Flint orders. “Just stomp those pretty gargoyle feet of yours all over them.”

  Yeah. I don’t bother to tell him that’s not going to happen, but I’m pretty sure he can tell from my face. And from the fact that, by the end of that round, Eden stomps her Nikes all over him.

  We play all day—turns out Flint charmed a few witches in the kitchen into making us a picnic lunch—and by the time it gets dark, I’m exhausted and limping more than a little. But I’m also feeling pretty good about my ability to fly a ball down the field, so I’m definitely calling it a win.

  Jaxon walks Macy and me back to our room around nine, and I start to invite him in to watch a movie or something. But he’s looking a little worse for wear, the energy burst I gave him this morning having obviously worn off.

  Because I know him and his ridiculous pride, I don’t offer to give him another boost. Instead, I wait for Macy to slip into our room before I hug him close, kiss his neck, and send a spurt of energy down the mating bond before he even knows what I’m doing.

  He pulls away immediately. “You’ve got to stop doing that.”

  “I’m not going to stop doing that. Not when you so obviously need it.”

  “I’ll be fine,” he tells me, resting his forehead against mine. “This isn’t the first time in my life I’ve been tired and had a lot on my mind.”

  I know he’s thinking of the time he and Hudson fought, and my chest feels tight. “This time, things will end differently. I promise.”

  Jaxon gives a not-altogether-pleasant laugh and says, “Yeah, well, let’s hope, for his sake.”

  “Besides, I need you in tip-top shape,” I tell him, sliding my hands into the back pockets of his jeans as I snuggle close.

  “Yeah?” He grins. “Me too.” And then he leans down to kiss me, but just before our lips connect, Hudson groans dramatically.

  “I keep trying to change the channel, but it won’t work.”

  Even though I know it’s a ploy, I can’t help biting anyway. That’s the magic—and the horror—of Hudson. Change what channel? I demand.

  “This one.” He mimes pressing the button on a remote. “So much kissing, when what I could really use is a good old-fashioned car chase. Or an assassination attempt. Or, you know, ‘a plague on both your houses!’ Something, anything, but this”—he waves his hand at Jaxon and me still snuggled up together—“all day, every day.”

  Seriously? This is where you want to go after that No Exit BS you pulled on the field?

  “I don’t see what the problem is,” he says loftily. “It’s a great piece of literature.”

  Yeah, ’c
ause that’s why you were reading it. I pull away from Jaxon with a regretful smile. “Apparently Hudson has decided to rejoin the party.”

  For just a second, Jaxon looks angry. Like, really angry, but then it melts away and he gives me a rueful smile. “I’m really looking forward to the day he disappears for good.”

  “Yeah, me too,” I answer. And I mean it, I do. I really am looking forward to having my mind and my body back for my exclusive use. But still, there’s something in Jaxon’s statement, and his voice, that doesn’t feel quite right. I just can’t put my finger on what it is.

  Maybe that’s why, when he leans in to drop a quick kiss on my lips, I dodge and give him a big hug instead. Or maybe it’s just my overactive imagination, because when he hugs me back, arms so tight around me that for a minute—just a minute—I feel safe and whole and right, something I haven’t felt in far too long.

  I glance at Hudson and notice fury in his gaze before he has a chance to hide it. He’s angrier than I’ve ever seen him. Angry and something more—hurt. His gaze narrows on Jaxon just as Jaxon seems to almost stumble, reaching out to put one hand on the wall beside him.

  “Whoa.” Jaxon gives me a half smile. “I think I’m more tired than I thought.”

  Something isn’t right. I can feel it. But before I can ask him, he straightens and gives me a confident smile.

  “See you in the morning?” he asks me when he finally pulls away.

  “Yeah. I’ll meet you guys in the cafeteria for breakfast before class.”

  “Sounds good.” He starts to turn away but stops at the last second and says, “Give this to Hudson for me, will you?” And then he flips up his middle finger.

  “Very mature,” Hudson drawls, still leaning against the door.

  “You just did,” I tell Jaxon.

  “Oh yeah?” The news gives him a little bounce in his step. “Then here’s a couple more.” This time he uses both hands to flip his brother off before finally turning and walking away.

  I watch him go, and Hudson pretends to play some very sad music on an air violin in the background. “And the villain fades away into obscurity, never to be seen or heard from again…”

  “He’s not the villain of this story.” I frown. “You are. And Jaxon’s not going anywhere.”

  “Yeah.” Hudson heaves an exaggerated sigh and steps away from the door. “That’s what you keep telling me.”

  “Aren’t you tired?” I ask him as I let myself into my room. “Go take a nap or something.”

  “Not tired at all. I napped all day just so we could spend the evening together.” He gives me a shit-eating grin. “I feel great.”

  And just like that, all the puzzle pieces fit together and I figure out the horrible truth of what just happened to my boyfriend. “You’re draining Jaxon’s energy, aren’t you? How are you doing it?” I demand, but then it comes to me. “Oh my God. You’re using my mating bond to drain my mate? Are you serious?”

  He holds both hands up. “It’s not like that.”

  My stomach rolls. How could I not have guessed it before now? I can’t believe I missed it. I was actually starting to trust Hudson. I feel light-headed and queasy.

  “I don’t have a choice. This whole me being alive but not actually alive yet means I have to take energy from somewhere, and for whatever reason the universe hooked me up to your mating bond. Probably so that I could take energy from both of you instead of just you, so I wouldn’t overwhelm your system.”

  “Wait a minute.” His explanation is yet another shock to my system. “So you’re feeding off me, too?”

  I’ll give him credit. He doesn’t lie. Instead, he looks me straight in the eye and says, “Yes.”

  “This whole time?” I ask, incredulous. “You’ve been feeding off Jaxon and me since we got here?”

  “Pretty much, yeah. But I’m taking way more from him than I am from you.”

  “You say that like it’s a good thing…and not an absolutely terrifying one.” I shake my head to try to clear it. “Why would you do that? Why would you risk hurting him like that?”

  “Because he has more to spare. And I’m not hurting him.” He sighs. “I’m just borrowing some of his life force so I can stay alive.”

  “Which means what? That you’re pulling his life force out of him…like Darth Vader?” I demand. “Oh my God. You’re deliberately hurting him and it’s all my fault.”

  “It’s no one’s fault,” he answers. “Jaxon has more power than you do, so I automatically get more power from him.”

  “What about what just happened?” I demand, eyes narrowed. “When he stumbled? I know you did something to him. What did you do?”

  He sighs. “I took an extra burst of energy. It wasn’t even a big one.”

  I narrow my eyes at him. “It felt like a big one. I thought he was going to fall in the hallway.”

  He doesn’t answer for the longest time, and when he does, he sounds totally cavalier. “Normally I’m careful not to take too much from either of you. Maybe this time I wasn’t so careful.”

  “I knew it!” Anger rockets through me. “Why would you do that to him?”

  “He’s fine,” Hudson tells me, voice and eyes completely flat.

  “How do you know?”

  “Because he has more power. He can take it.”

  “Because you say so?” I demand, furious and scared at the same time. What if something happens to Jaxon and it’s because of this? Because of me? It’s a terrifying thought.

  “Would you rather I fed off all of your energy?” Hudson asks, brows raised. “Or would you rather I didn’t feed at all and just died?”

  I don’t answer him, but that just means he draws his own conclusions, his eyes going bleak for one brief second before his normal sardonic look returns. “I guess that’s exactly what you’d prefer. Too bad we’re tied together, then, huh? All your problems would be solved if you could just let me die.”

  65

  No Exit: A Biography

  It’s the first time Hudson’s death has ever been put so starkly before, and I don’t know what to say to him—or even what to feel. I mean, Jaxon’s arguments for killing him were real and valid and important, and I understand why he did it. I also understand that it was the hardest thing he’s ever had to do, whether he admits it to himself or not.

  “Oh yeah. Of course. Let’s feel sorry for Jaxon in this equation. I’m so sorry it hurt his feelings to murder me.”

  Everything about that sentence sets me off, because no. Just no. He doesn’t get to play the victim here.

  “You really should stop trying to rewrite history,” I tell him. “It’s not like Jaxon just woke up one morning and decided to kill you. You caused hundreds of paranormals to attack one another. For fun. For some ridiculous plan of born-vampire supremacy.”

  “No.” Hudson glares at me. “No, no, no. I have done a lot of shitty things in my life, and I take responsibility for every single one of them. But I do not take responsibility for that.” He begins pacing around my room.

  I don’t have the energy to process what he just said. My mind is still racing, remembering all the times over the last few weeks that Jaxon’s looked tired. And all because of Hudson feeding on him, using the mating bond. I know he doesn’t mean to hurt Jaxon or me, but that doesn’t make it any easier to hear. Not when I’m responsible for the fact that something—someone—is hurting my mate right in front of me. I suddenly feel sick and stumble over to sit on the edge of my bed. I have to fix this.

  My head feels like it’s going to explode. Then again, for the first time, so does my heart. I close my eyes and reach inside me for the dual-toned mating bond string I’ve become so familiar with over the last few days. I take it into my hand and squeeze, sending wave after wave of energy to Jaxon, remembering every single time he had dark circles under his eyes and I�
�d thought he just needed sleep. The tight lines I’d ignored around his smile. The faded black of his bottomless eyes.

  This was all my fault. So many times I’d focused on my own problems instead of seeing how my mate was suffering and trying to hide it—right in front of me. And that’s when I realize something else… Jaxon knew Hudson was feeding on the bond. And he didn’t say anything.

  My chest feels cleaved open. He didn’t want to make me feel guilty. And more, he didn’t want to make me have to choose.

  “You need to stop.”

  I don’t think I can. Because this is bad. This is really, really bad.

  “Grace!” Hudson’s voice thunders through my head with an urgency I can’t ignore. “Stop!”

  “You’re the one who got me thinking about all of this and now you want me to stop?” I demand incredulously. “Screw you.”

  “I mean the energy!” he tells me as he puts an insistent hand on top of mine. “You can’t give him any more or you’re going to be drained. You need to stop.”

  He’s right. I feel like I could sleep for a year. So I let go of the black-and-green string, though it leaves me feeling even more bereft.

  “Goddamn it,” Hudson growls. “You’re going to kill yourself if you’re not careful. You can’t just play around with this stuff.”

  Before I can answer, he feeds me a burst of his own energy to make up for some of what I gave Jaxon.

  “You didn’t have to do that,” I tell him, even as I feel his power surging through my veins, grounding me. Making me feel solid again.

  “Someone has to,” he snarls, “since you seem incapable of thinking of yourself in any given situation.”

  “That’s not true!” I tell him.

  “It sure feels true. And the fact that my brother lets you get away with it is a bunch of bullshit on his part, too. That’s not what the mating bond is supposed to be about.”