Something Like Fate

by Susane Colasanti

  This just proves how quickly your life can be destroyed. Even when you think things couldn’t possibly get any worse.

  39

  It’s been a week since I saw the website. A week of knowing everyone saw it. Another week of Erin and Danielle ignoring me. Another week of avoiding Jason, which is the hardest thing of all.

  What if this nightmare never ends? What if this is my life from now on?

  My grades suck. I haven’t been able to concentrate on any work this year. Mr. Bradley called me into his office so we could talk about how much my grades suck. That was fun. I had to promise to do better before he let me go. Not that it matters. I seem to be an expert on breaking promises these days.

  As soon as history is over, Connor sprints to my desk before I can escape.

  “I have to show you something,” he goes.

  “What?”

  “Not here. What do you have now?”

  “Lunch.” I’m back to eating in the cafeteria again. Blake forgave me, so I’ve been sitting with him and the art crowd. They adopted Blake due to his impressive glassblowing skills. They’re actually a really interesting group. I’m glad that I’m getting to know them before we graduate.

  “Come on.” Connor directs me down the hall toward the science wing.

  I’m like, “Where are we going?”

  “It’s a secret.”

  “What do you have now?”

  “English.”

  “You’re cutting English for this?”

  “Some things are more important.”

  Then something amazing happens. Connor brings me to my secret staircase and pulls me under the stairs.

  “Shut up!” I go.

  “Sshhh!”

  “How do you know about this place?” I whisper.

  “Doesn’t everybody?”

  “No! I thought I was the only one!”

  “Well, you’re not.” Connor takes out a note. “Jason asked me to give you this.”

  Jason won’t let go. He hasn’t called me all week. But I know he’s determined to get me back. I just knew he wouldn’t give up.

  I’m afraid of what his note says. I’m afraid it’s going to make me want to be with him even more.

  “Oh.” I take the note. “Thanks. I’ll, um . . . read it later.” I push the note into my back pocket.

  “There’s something else I want to show you.” Connor rummages in his bag. He takes out a ragged notebook. “This was my journal a few years ago.”

  “You have a journal?”

  “American guys don’t really do that, eh?”

  “And? They also don’t call their sweatpants jogging pants. American guys are clearly lacking.”

  “They could improve. All they need is some sensitivity.”

  “Like that’s going to happen.” This is one thing I love about Jason. He’s sensitive and not afraid to show it. Most guys would be humiliated to even expose a fraction of a feeling. Jason’s not like that.

  Hence, the note in my pocket.

  Connor flips through his journal. He shows me a page. It’s all in French.

  “What’s it say?” I ask.

  “This thing with you and Jason reminded me of something. There was this café across the street from my old place in Montreal. I always liked to sit at the same table in the window, you know? All the tables had these white paper tablecloths that you could draw on. One day I went in and someone had written this on my tablecloth.”

  Connor translates the message from his journal. It’s about a person who doesn’t know who his soul mate is, but he’s looking for her. He will never give up. When they find each other, they will know. It says how you have to follow your heart to find true love.

  “See this line here?” Connor points to a part that says:

  Rien ne va arrêter ma quête pour te trouver.

  “I was just overwhelmed by the intensity of it,” Connor tells me. “It says, ‘Nothing will stop my quest to find you.’ This person will keep going forever if he has to. But you and Jason have already found each other. You’re obviously meant to be together, but you’re not together. That’s a problem, no?”

  Of course he’s right. Of course it’s a problem. And of course he wrote down that message for a reason. He was obviously meant to tell me what it said. Fate made sure that the message got to me from a whole other country.

  It can’t be easy for Connor to be telling me all of this. I know how he feels about me. I also know that he’s been concerned about how miserable I am. It’s like he’s pushing aside his own feelings out of respect for mine. That’s the kind of person he is.

  “Thanks for this,” I say. “It’s probably not the easiest thing for you.”

  “No, it’s not. I almost didn’t show this to you, actually. But I just . . . want you to be happy.”

  That’s exactly what Jason said. He just wants me to be happy.

  Of course, the only thing that could make me happy is the one thing I can’t have. I want to be with Jason more than anything. But I can’t break my promise to Erin.

  She has to forgive me. I know it won’t be easy and I know I might have to wait a really long time, but Erin has to forgive me. Which is never going to happen if I can’t prove to her that our friendship means more than being with Jason.

  When I get home, I unfold Jason’s note. It’s in his secret note code.

  Decoded, the note says:

  I need you so much closer.

  40

  When you’re a senior, you’re supposed to be psyched that everything will finally be over soon. I wish I could be happy like everyone else. It’s just not registering with me. Eight months from now does not equal “soon.” June is a lifetime away.

  I thought senior year would be a lot different. All of us together, having a blast. Not caring about homework or grades after college apps are in. Focusing on the things that really matter.

  This is nothing like that.

  Connor gave me that note from Jason two weeks ago. I’ve been crying every night, aching for him.

  As if I don’t have enough problems, I can’t find my English paper that’s due today. It’s supposed to be right here in my binder. I even finished it a day early since I had nothing better to do.

  I rip my binder apart looking for it. Still nothing.

  After I’ve dumped about half the contents of my locker on the floor, I find a random note behind some books. It’s one of Jason’s secret-code notes from last year. I have no idea how it got in my locker, since I thought I had all of his notes in a special box at home.

  The Energy is so giving me a sign right now.

  But maybe not. So I put the note in a folder. I go back to searching for my missing English paper. I crouch down and sift through everything on the floor.

  Someone walks up to me. And just stands there.

  I totally recognize those sneakers.

  “Hey,” Jason says.

  It feels so good to hear him talking to me.

  I’m too scared to look at him.

  Jason helps me pick everything up. “What happened here? One of those weird earthquakes that only affects half the hall?”

  “Something like that.”

  “How are you?”

  “Sad.” I stuff things back into my locker. I can’t even remember what I was looking for.

  “Me, too,” Jason says.

  I finally look at him. He looks like he hasn’t slept in days.

  “I can’t do this anymore,” Jason says. “I can’t be away from you.”

  Some kids have been watching us ever since Jason came over. I’m sure they’re discussing how scandalous this is. Oh look, not only did Lani steal Jason away from Erin, but now she’s flirting with him in front of the whole school. What a monster.

  “People are looking,” I whisper.

  “I don’t care,” he says. “We have to be together.”

  My throat’s all tight. It’s not letting me say what I really want to say.

  Jason moves c
loser. “Erin already knows. She already got hurt. Do you really think she wants you to be this miserable?”

  “She’s not going to be this mad forever. We just need to give her time.”

  “This isn’t about her anymore. It’s about us.” Jason pulls me closer to him. “And I don’t care who knows.”

  Then he kisses me.

  Right here, in the middle of the hall, with everyone looking.

  He kisses me.

  I thought I remembered what it felt like to kiss him. But this is unreal.

  Jason says, “I love you.”

  Everyone watching us stopped talking when he kissed me. Which means a whole bunch of people just heard Jason say that he loves me.

  “Stop being like this,” Jason goes. “What are you so afraid of?”

  I’m totally shocked. Way too shocked to say anything.

  Everyone’s staring. Some of my stuff is still on the floor. I’m late for class.

  “Um . . .” I quickly scoop up the rest of my stuff, throw it in my locker, and slam the door. My hand shakes as I click my lock shut. “I’m late for class.”

  I know Jason wants me to say that I love him, too. And that we should be together and I don’t care what Erin thinks anymore. But this is just too much.

  Jason watches me, waiting to hear the things I can’t say. Walking away from him is the last thing I want to do, but I don’t see any other way.

  Being late for English is not fun. Ms. Bigelow makes this whole production of taking off points if you’re late. Not that it matters. My English grade is so bad that a few more points off will hardly make a dent.

  Ms. Bigelow is like, “I’ve already collected the papers.” She waits for me to pass mine up. So now I have to admit that I can’t find mine. There’s no way she’s going to believe me.

  “I can’t find mine,” I say.

  “I’m sorry?” Ms. Bigelow goes, even though she totally heard me.

  “It was in my binder, but now I can’t find it. That’s why I was late.”

  “That’s too bad.”

  She doesn’t believe me. She starts the lesson anyway.

  I don’t know exactly what makes me start crying. Maybe it’s the frustration of knowing that I really did my paper, but now I look like a liar all over again. Maybe it’s how Jason kissed me and told me he loves me in front of everyone and I just walked away. Or maybe it’s coming to school every single day with so many people still hating me. That can wear a person down.

  Of course I always have a pack of Sniff tissues in my bag except for today. I can’t stop crying, even though I’m telling myself to quit it.

  Ms. Bigelow stops teaching. She says, “Lani? Are you all right?”

  I nod. I try to look like I’m calming down. But her asking me just makes it worse.

  Someone in the back does this snorting-laugh thing.

  Ms. Bigelow picks up the bathroom pass and gives it to the person sitting in the front of my row. “Pass this back, please.” When Marnie turns to give me the pass, she’s totally smirking. No one feels bad for me. They’re probably all thinking, This is what you get for being such a slut. Oh, and we don’t believe you about your paper.

  What if Erin never forgives me? What if I stay away from Jason and it’s all for nothing?

  Maybe everything that happens in our lives isn’t already decided by fate. Maybe we have some influence over the outcome. If you want something badly enough, can you change your fate? Or will the thing you want the most come true anyway, no matter what you do?

  41

  Blake finally had a decent day at school.

  Ryan Campanelli got in trouble for spray-painting his locker.

  I was worried that whoever did it would get away with it because nothing was ever proven. But Sophie totally turned Ryan in. Ryan was suspended for a week. He should have been expelled, but his mother’s on the school board.

  Sophie suspected that Ryan was the one who did it, but she didn’t have any proof. So she kept watching Ryan to see if he’d screw up. When a pile of books slid out of Ryan’s locker in between classes, Sophie looked in and saw a spray-paint can wedged in the back. She went over and yanked the can out of Ryan’s locker. Of course it was the same shade of yellow used on Blake’s locker.

  “You’re the one who spray-painted Blake’s locker!” Sophie yelled. She held the can up so everyone could see.

  The hall got quiet. Everyone stared at them.

  Ryan looked around at everyone staring. He knew it would be pointless to deny it.

  “So?” Ryan went.

  “How could you do something like that? It’s disgusting, even for you.”

  Some of the kids who were watching snickered.

  Ryan was all, “Who cares? People were talking about him last year. It’s not like I outed him or anything.”

  Sophie got right in his face. “Um, actually? You did.”

  Then Sophie asked why Ryan waited so long to do anything if he knew about Blake since last year. Ryan didn’t have to explain anything to her. He could have just walked away. But in some warped way, I think he’s proud of what he did. So Ryan said that if he told people last year before school ended or during the summer, it wouldn’t have had the same impact. He wanted to wait until the first day of school and slam Blake with the full force of everyone talking about it at once. That way, Blake would be burned way harsher than if the rumor trickled out over the summer. Sophie told me Ryan was practically bragging about the whole thing.

  It’s scary how powerful hate can be.

  Taking the train to Uncle Rick’s house after school is more fun than I thought it would be. I hate that Blake has to spend so much time alone on the train every day, so I promised I’d go home with him sometimes.

  The train rattles. I watch the landscape zipping by. I’m thinking about all of the history here, all of the hidden treasures that might never be discovered. And about how much Jason loves the train tracks. I totally get what he sees in them. It feels like I’m on my way to a new destination. A place I don’t really know yet, one I can’t see from here. A place I’ll recognize from somewhere deep within my soul when I get there.

  “So I heard some action went down in the hall today,” Blake says.

  I groan. “Don’t remind me.”

  “What, you didn’t want to be kissed?”

  The truth is that Jason’s kiss rocked me so hard I’m still shaking. I just can’t get into it yet, so I say, “Not in front of everyone, no.”

  “I talked to Erin.”

  “You told her?!”

  “Like I would do that. She’d already heard about it, along with the rest of the world.”

  I groan some more.

  Blake goes, “I talked to her about you and Jason.”

  “There is no me and Jason.”

  “Exactly. That’s the problem.”

  “You’re so annoying.”

  “Am I? Or are you a little bit crazy?”

  “I can’t be with Jason when—”

  “Yeah, yeah.” Blake flutters his hand in my face. “Erin saved your life and now you owe her. But can I just ask—how is staying away from Jason paying her back?”

  “I don’t want to hurt her any more than I already have.”

  “Um, it’s called life. Erin’s a big girl. She can handle it.”

  “What did you say to her?”

  “Just that you can’t keep soul mates apart forever.”

  “You said that?!”

  “Like it’s a lie? Anyway, she has to know by now, she’s just not admitting it to herself. It’s not like she hasn’t seen you guys together.”

  “What did she say?”

  “Nothing. She was leaving and I had to catch the train with you.”

  This is bad. Really bad. Now Erin probably thinks that I made Blake talk to her. Like I was too afraid to talk to her myself or something.

  “No worries,” Blake says. “It will all work out the way it’s supposed to. If you and Jason are meant to be t
ogether, which you obviously are, then it’ll happen.”

  I wish it was that easy.

  The good news is that Uncle Rick has an extensive movie collection. Blake and I argue about which one to watch.

  “Why can’t we watch The Puffy Chair?” I say.

  “Because it’s boring.”

  “It is not! How can you not think it’s so good?”

  “Um . . . maybe because it’s boring?”

  “Do you have a better suggestion?”

  “What about Juno?”

  “I just saw that again, remember?”

  “Oh, yeah. Well, how about The Safety of Objects?”

  “I’ve seen that, like, five times.”

  “So? It’s still awesome, right?”

  “Agreed.”

  I pop some popcorn while Blake starts the movie. We set up on the couch.

  “That’s cool.” I point to a delicate glass vase on the coffee table.

  “Thanks,” Blake says. “I made it.”

  “Dude, you have immense talent.”

  “Not really. It took me forever.”

  We watch The Safety of Objects. We’re blasting the TV since there’s no one home to tell us to turn it down. Uncle Rick won’t be home from work for at least another hour.

  When the door opens, we don’t even hear it.

  Something moves in my peripheral vision. I grab Blake’s arm.

  Blake’s dad is just standing there.

  Watching us.

  No one ever locks their doors around here during the day. Especially in an area like this, which is even more remote than ours.

  “What are you doing here?” Blake goes.

  “I wanted to see you.”

  “Why? So you can yell at me some more? So you can rant about how worthless I am?”

  His dad glances at me. I’m not going anywhere.

  Blake goes over to his dad. I’m not sure when it happened, but Blake is taller than him now.

  “You,” Blake says, “will never hurt me again.”

  “You lied to me,” his dad says.

  “When?”

  “For years. You said . . . You lied all that time.”

  “About what?”