Loving Them

by Rebecca Royce

  If he wanted it at all…

  All of this could be dealt with, but first we had to win.

  I extracted myself from the bed and went to the bathroom. Nothing got fixed at three in the morning. If only my brain would clue into that fact. My mother’s apology had thrown me more than I wanted to admit. She had openly defied my father to do that. And what was up with Amber? A noise caught my attention, and I realized it was my tablet.

  Uncle Fletcher had answer. How can I help you, Paloma?

  I smiled. I need to understand my father-in-law, your brother. Why does he want to win? What is driving this?

  I didn’t know if getting the perspective of Garrison’s brother would help or not, but it certainly couldn’t hurt. It would be funny if the war turned on the understanding of a pirate in the Dark Planets. The forgotten people making it all okay…

  In the darkness, I made my way back into my bedroom. Keith turned on his cot, mumbling something incoherent. I climbed back into my spot. I was warm and, for tonight, I was safe in the care of my loves. Nothing could or would ever be better.

  I had managed to put the thoughts of my mother-in-law out of my head, but she hadn’t forgotten us. We all woke up to our tablets dinging. Tommy grabbed his first, sitting up in the bed. He groaned, set it back down, and rolled over, putting the pillow over his head. It must not be an emergency. Clay rubbed his eyes.

  “Our mother wants to see us.”

  Tommy groaned. “Leave me the fuck alone.”

  Clay got out of bed, rolling his eyes at Tommy as he made his way to the bathroom. “Your opinion on the subject has been widely heard. I’m going to go. You can stay here.”

  Keith swung his legs over the bed. “Me too. I’m going. I want to see her. I just do.”

  Quinn yawned. “If you go, I go, Keith. It’s that twin thing.”

  “Please,” Tommy yelled from beneath the pillow. “You pull out that twin thing when you don’t want to take responsibility for your actions, Quinn. And fuck if I’d ever let the four of you go without me.” He threw off the pillow. “Unless Paloma doesn’t want to go, and then I’ll stay with her. Do you? Do you want to stay here?”

  He almost looked hopeful, and although I hated to disappoint, I did want to lay eyes on the woman who had done what she’d done. I wanted to try to understand. Maybe that wasn’t fair since I wasn’t at all interested, at least not yet, in hearing my own mother’s story.

  “I’m going.”

  Tommy groaned again. I rolled up next to him and he threw his arm over his eyes “Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You’re pretty, you smell good, you’re brave and brilliant. I love you. But I’m going to be grumpy and mad for the rest of the day, so deal with it.”

  At least he was honest.

  My mother in law didn’t live in Oceania, which was smart considering she’d wanted to be hidden and everyone could see everything and everybody in Oceania. I need only look up to see the drones and the cameras. An irreverent part of me thought about waving. I didn’t.

  Trying to figure out what to wear to A) meet my husbands’ mother and B) handle the elements outside of the cool, perfect weather of Oceania proved challenging. Keith leaned against the door to watch me stare at my clothes. Part of the problem was I’d picked none of them out myself. I wasn’t one hundred percent sure I knew what I had.

  He walked in and kissed my bare shoulder. “Look like a Sandler today, would you? I know it’s a lot more fuss. I’m nervous, and I guess I’m not ashamed to say so. She left before I could talk, before she could know me. I know it’s stupid, but I want to walk in there with you—the best, most beautiful woman I’ve ever known—and show her that I was worthy to be loved by someone as awesome as you. You make me feel stronger. If you could love me, and you do, then I’m worthy to be. You know what? Fuck it. Wear whatever you want.”

  I touched the side of his cheek. “I’ll wear Sandler because I’m proud to be Mrs. Sandler. I want her to know.”

  He blinked away wetness in his eyes. “Maybe I’m making a mistake. Maybe I don’t want to go.”

  “Look, you’ll go, you’ll see. If you hate her, we’ll never see her again.”

  He grinned. “All right, it’s a deal.”

  In the end, I put on a synthetic denim skirt that went past my knees, a pair of black boots that were so tall they touched the end of the my skirt, and the Sandler red in a cardigan set where the inside was a tank top. I felt pretty, feminine, and tough.

  I’d assumed we’d have to get back on our shuttle to go out of Oceania, but I was wrong. Since we weren’t leaving permanently, it was better to leave the shuttle where it was and take Oceania transport.

  At the terminal, which would take us out of Oceania, we all had to stop and get inoculated for radiation. Even thousands of years later, there were places on Earth that had too much radiation. They put indicators on our arms.

  “It’s been years since anyone really encountered dangerous levels. But it’s still law. If you hit level orange, you need to get treated immediately. Here or at another station.” He nodded to me. “Have fun up there.”

  I wasn’t sure I wanted to go up anymore. I thought I’d faced most things by now, but this was scary. There was a reason Oceania had been made under the sea, and it was to keep the scariest elements of Earth out.

  “Don’t be scared.” Quinn kissed my cheek. “We’re going to a small town. Those places are free of radiation.”

  I hoped he was right.

  If I thought the Oceania train was bad, the transport was worse. It shook and vibrated while it spit us out of what basically amounted to a chimney and back up to the surface of the Earth. By the time we reached the top, I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to go back down. I stumbled from the opening, nearly tripping over my own feet.

  “Some people do that every day. They have to work down there but can’t afford to live there,” Tommy supplied.

  “They’re incredibly strong.” I made myself stand up straight. Their mother didn’t live far from here. We got on a small transport train that moved much slower than the one in Oceania. It let me look out the window and see the scenery.

  Small towns passed by on the barren, dessert-looking background. I didn’t know anything about Earth history. Had this place always been like this, or had it changed when the bombs went off? I bet Keith would know. I turned to regard him, finding him asleep in his seat. Tommy was awake, staring off at what seemed like nothing, obviously lost in his thoughts. Quinn tapped his own knee over and over. He was thinking something it was better not to interrupt, and Clay read his own tablet.

  I turned back to the window. How many stories had happened here? How many lives started and ended? How many people had run from the bombs to no avail? My chest felt tight, and I forced myself to think of something more pleasant.

  The dog I’d heard the other night in the background filled the void. I wanted a pet. Not a baby but maybe a dog. Or a cat. Or both.

  Not on the shuttle, so not until we were established somewhere. Maybe someday. Tommy tapped my knee before he shook Keith awake. “We’re almost there.”

  I didn’t know how he knew, but I trusted Tommy to know these things. When the train stopped, I followed him off. The station was small but well kept. Someone was making sure it was clean and maintained.

  A floating vehicle appeared before us, and a door opened, showing their grandfather through the open door. “You all are right on time.”

  “It’s a quality drilled into us by our father.” Clay smiled. “Lateness is unacceptable.”

  “In that, and only that, do I agree with your father. Get in. All of you. Before you’re seen.”

  I wondered if he didn’t want us seen by what could be prying Sandler eyes or if he didn’t want locals to ask questions about who we were lest they find out that she had children she’d left. In either case, since he was our ride, we climbed in quickly and didn’t ask questions. There was a pit in my stomach. I didn’t like anything about this.

  Did peo
ple have normal, happy families? Was it possible to create a happy familial existence if I’d never had one? Could the five of us eventually carve out a piece of happiness away from all those who caused us pain? Would we have children who wouldn’t ever wonder if their parents adored them?

  Tommy tapped my chin, and I turned my head from pretending to look outside to regard him. He smiled at me. I could see questions in his gaze. Why was I upset? I smiled. We could talk about it another time.

  My mother-in-law lived in a small home with an actual white fence in front. The front of the house faced away from the driveway, giving whoever was inside views of the pastures that surrounded the place. All in all, if a person had to hide from the Sandlers, there were worse places to do it.

  Their grandfather opened the door, and we followed him in. What amazed me was the sound inside the house. Constant ticking clocks. Many of them. I looked around. Ticking clocks were a very ancient device. People liked them as sort of a kitschy throwback to Earth of old. I’d never seen so many clocks all in one place. I counted ten before I stopped counting.

  We followed their grandfather through the house. For a woman who wanted us to visit badly, she wasn’t making any moves to greet us. Something was wrong… off. I glanced at my husbands. They were all too involved in their own thoughts to notice. I hoped I was wrong.

  I stopped moving, all the air leaving my body. On my tablet, the pictures of the first Mrs. Garrison Sandler had been gorgeous. I’d wanted to know how to look like her. She’d been tall and vibrant. In front of us was a woman in a wheelchair—a very unusual state since most people who needed mobility assistance had nanos implanted to keep them mobile. She looked three times her age.

  Quinn, their uncle, stood next to her, his eyes on us while their mother kept her gaze to the floor. “It had been a good morning. We hoped she’d be really with it when you came. Boys.” He nodded to each of them. “Paloma. Thank you for coming.”

  My husbands had gone silent, which meant I had to find my voice. “Sir, it is nice to make your acquaintance.”

  “Uncle Quinn, what is wrong with my mother?” It was Clay who managed to ask it.

  Uncle Quinn sighed. He looked an awful lot like Garrison, which meant he resembled my husbands too. The same striking blond hair, the same blue eyes that seemed to shine from within. The older Quinn sighed.

  “Your father poisoned her,” their grandfather answered from behind us. “He found out about the affair, and he poisoned her. If he had been able to continue to do so, she would be dead. As it was, because we found out and fled, what happened was a slow deterioration that no one can fix. I think she’s only still here because she hoped someday to see all of you again.”

  Their uncle nodded. “I know because I’m the one who invented the poison. I’m responsible for most of the drugs out there that are illegal. We were all doing horrible things in the name of the Sandlers. Garrison turned it around and used it on his own wife. She was afraid they’d use it on you next to punish her more. The younger three. He was satisfied with having Tommy.”

  There weren’t words to describe how truly horrible everything I was hearing was. Their mother had been poisoned. She’d had an affair, as we suspected. They’d fled because if she stayed, Garrison might have hurt Clay, Quinn and Keith. She’d faked her death and then lived here on Earth, with the man who made the drugs, while she slowly deteriorated.

  Just then, she lifted her head and, seeing the four of them, smiled. Right in that second, I could see all of it. The young woman she had been in those photos on my tablet. Four babies in three years overwhelmed her. Maybe she’d made poor decisions, but she loved them.

  “I didn’t think he’d ever stop looking, ever stop trying to hurt you.” Her voice shook slightly but her words were clear. “I had to leave so he’d move on and leave you alone.”

  It wasn’t sound reasoning. But it was twenty-one years before and I wasn’t going to insert myself into choices I hadn’t myself had to make.

  Tommy moved so fast I didn’t see it coming. He had his arms around his mother. Hers must not have worked because she didn’t hug him back.

  “Hi, Mom. I’d know your face anywhere.” He kissed her pale cheek. “Hello again.”

  Tears streamed down her face. “You brought me your wife, too.”

  “We did. We wanted you to meet her.” I’d never seen Tommy so gentle with anyone. He wiped away her tears.

  Clay and Quinn stepped toward her, each in turn squeezing her gently. Clay kissed her cheek and Quinn smoothed her hair.

  “I’m Quinn, Mom.” He pointed at Keith who still hadn’t moved. “That’s Keith.”

  She smiled. “I’ve always been able to tell the difference between the two of you. You had my mother’s chin.”

  Their chin had never been the way I told them apart. Then again, they’d never been my children. I supposed she would know.

  Keith cleared his throat. “Are we his children? Is that why Quinn has his name?” He nodded toward their uncle.

  Very slowly, she shook her head. “No, my darling. You are all Garrison’s. Nothing happened with me and your uncle until after you were born. I named you Quinn because he was the kindest man I knew, and I wanted you to have his heart.”

  What did it say that the kindest man she knew had orchestrated the death of so many with those drugs he’d made? Then again, his namesake, my love Quinn, had orchestrated more than a few deaths himself. The difference being that Quinn had been a child when that had happened and not aware of what he was doing.

  How much of Quinn’s treatment had been because he bore the name of the man his mother had loved instead of Garrison? This wasn’t the time for those questions.

  I tapped Keith on the back, and it seemed to be the momentum he needed to get moving. He walked to his mother and hugged her. After a moment, I followed, kneeling in front of her. “It’s so nice to meet you, ma’am. Thanks for having us today.”

  She smiled at me, and that close to her, I could see a universe’s worth of pain behind her eyes. I wouldn’t be something else she had to be afraid of. I touched her leg. “Tell me, can you see the sunset from this room?”

  We couldn’t spend the whole day talking about sad things. Not when there were still sunsets.

  20

  The Passage Of Time

  With the sun gone, we stood together in silence, waiting for the train to come get us. The schedule on our tablets said it was five minutes away. I could hear the wind in the background, but I couldn’t feel any from where we were blocked by the buildings at the station. It had been a pleasant, although tricky, day. There were things we all would have liked to ask that we weren’t going to. The decision-making at the time, the affair, what Garrison had been like before all that happened… those were not answers we were going to get from her. Not ever.

  I touched Tommy’s arm, and he smiled at me. “You okay?”

  I wasn’t really just asking Tommy, but all four of them.

  It was my oldest husband who answered, “In all the years that I imagined what had happened to her—and kept it from all of you—sick and in pain was never one of the scenarios. Why did Uncle Quinn assume there wasn’t any hope? Her own nephew, Ari, knew the best doctors in the quadrant. If she’d reached out…” His voice trailed off.

  When Keith spoke, it was with no emotion in his voice. “He knew there was no cure because he made it to be that way. That wasn’t the only drug he made. The truth serums? The ones that leave people completely crazy? Those were him, too. What is with our family? Why do we do so much bad stuff?”

  “Hey.” I threw my arms around him. “Don’t talk about yourself that way. You’re my family, and no one criticizes my family, not even my own family.” If that made any sense…

  He tightened his hug. “Love you.”

  “Hey,” Clay interrupted. “Who wants an adventure? I have an idea. Something cool for twenty-four hours. Can saving the world from the choices of our relatives wait twenty-four hours?”r />
  We all looked at Tommy. He was the one with all the meetings. Tommy scratched the side of his face. “Ah, yeah. Why not? What did you have in mind?”

  Clay raised his eyebrows. “Trust me.”

  My lawyer husband walked over to the control panel and started punching buttons. Since we’d plugged in the location we wanted to go to the first time, I was fairly certain he was changing our destination. “It’s nighttime. Will we be dressed okay?”

  I didn’t mean to be always focused on my clothes, but it seemed like I had to be the one to think about it. I didn’t want to end up running for my life in my heels.

  “We’re not getting there until tomorrow morning. I bought us sleeping quarters.”

  Quinn nodded. “And Paloma will be safe there? From Dad’s people?”

  “As safe as anywhere else.” Clay stretched his arms over his head. “Trust me.”

  I always would.

  The train was very comfortable, or at least the sleeping cabin was comfortable. Keith had fallen asleep instantly. I’d definitely clued in to the fact that he slept when he was stressed. I was pressed against Clay’s side. He stared up at the ceiling, eyes open. I wanted to be close to him but not intrude on his private thoughts. The only way this marriage between all of us was going to work was if we gave each other a lot of personal space. Maybe that was true of all relationships. I didn’t know what made other marriages work.

  Besides, I really had to think. My mother-in-law had made terrible decisions. Was I so much more ready to forgive her than my own mother because she was sick? Had she been punished enough in my heart? I closed my eyes. All the years that I’d spent in the Sisterhood I really hadn’t gotten to know myself very well.