by J. L. Wilder
“But Luka’s opinion matters as much as yours does, Ryan,” Jack says quietly. “Remember, our clan makes important decisions together. Everyone has a right to be heard. That’s what this meeting is all about.” He turns back to me. “Cami, do you have reason to believe you haven’t been infected with whatever killed your clan?”
“Everyone else showed symptoms quickly,” I say. “I haven’t shown any. It’s been weeks.”
“She could be a carrier,” Ryan snaps.
“Then we’ll get her to a doctor and have her checked out,” Luka suggests.
“And who’s paying for that? You?”
“Quiet,” Jack says. “If that’s what we choose to do, we can afford it, and you know that. It’s a good suggestion.”
Ryan looks disgruntled, but he doesn’t argue.
“What brought you up to Alaska?” Luka asks.
“I was looking for you,” I explain. “For the Hell’s Bears, I mean. I’ve heard stories about you.”
“Stories about how we’re dangerous outlaws?” Jack asks.
The honest answer is yes, of course, but I don’t want to get off on the wrong foot here. “To tell you the truth,” I say carefully, “I don’t know very much. But I did know you existed, and I needed a new clan. I needed to find some bear shifters. I didn’t want to be on my own. I thought it would be dangerous for me. So, I rode up here to see if I could track you down, even though I knew it was a long shot. It was the most logical thing I could think of to do.”
“What were you going to do if we said no?” Jack asks.
“I don’t really have a Plan B,” I admit. “I guess...I guess I’d just have to leave and come up with something else.” I don’t like to think about this possibility. The reason I don’t have a Plan B is that I don’t know of any other bear shifter clans, so what am I going to do if I’m not welcome here? How will I go about finding someone else? And I’d have to do it with the wolves on my trail... I could be in a lot of trouble if this meeting doesn’t go well.
The men exchange glances loaded with meaning. I feel like something is being decided between them, something communicated in the unspoken shorthand that develops when people know each other well. I need to seize the opportunity to make my case. “I think you need me here,” I say. “I think taking me in would benefit you as much as it would me.”
That gets their attention. Ryan looks at me like I’ve just said something crazy, but Luka merely raises an eyebrow. “What do you mean?” Jack asks.
“You don’t have any women,” I explain. “How will you grow your clan?”
“Women are a dime a dozen,” Ryan says. “Shifting is a dominant trait. We could reproduce with almost anyone and grow the clan.”
“Women may be a dime a dozen, but omegas aren’t,” I say. “I can give you more than an average woman or a beta could. I can give you a whole generation at once. If you bring me into your clan, the Hell’s Bears have a future.”
There’s a long silence. I can tell all three of them are digesting my words, and it’s impossible to read the expressions on any of their faces. I think I’ve probably convinced Luka—he’s been kind to me since our conversation began. But have I swayed Ryan? And, perhaps, most importantly, does Jack see the value in letting me stay? For all he says about the Hell’s Bears deciding things democratically, I know the power of an alpha. I know his vote will carry the most weight.
“We’ll discuss outside,” Jack says finally. “Cami, please feel free to help yourself to some meat and berries while you wait. Luka, give her back her backpack.”
Luka reaches an arm out of the cave and grabs my backpack. I’m relieved to see it. I thought it had been lost in the crash, and if it had, I’d have forfeited all my resources. It would have meant losing all my cash reserves, as well as every article of clothing besides those I’m currently wearing. But I think the thing that gives me the most relief is when Luka hands over the keys to Berto’s bike. They feel like my last connection to my old family.
The men file out of the cave and I don’t hesitate before making my way over to the wall with the hanging jerky. I pull down a couple of strips and eat ravenously. It feels like it’s been forever since I had a meal, and even though I wish there were some starches involved, the protein does wonders. I quickly turn my attention to the berries and stuff a few in my mouth, knowing that the sugar will also help revive me. By the time the three men come back into the cave, I’m feeling much better.
It’s Jack, of course, who delivers the verdict. “We don’t have a unanimous decision,” he says.
“What does that mean?” I allow the last few berries to spill out of my hand and back into the basket, immediately feeling like I’ve been caught doing something wrong. Maybe taking them up on their hospitality was a mistake. Maybe it’s given them a bad impression.
Jack looks from Ryan to Luka and then at me. “We decide things together,” he says, “but when we can’t agree, the majority rules. There were two votes for you to stay.”
“So...so, you’re saying you’ll have me? I can stay with you?”
For the first time, Jack smiles. “That’s right. You can stay.”
A huge wave of relief settles over me. I have a new home. The Hell’s Bears are going to keep me safe. This is exactly what I was hoping for. But right on the heels of that relief comes a whole new set of anxieties. I haven’t been honest with them. They have no idea the wolves are still tracking me, and if they ever find out, I don’t doubt they’ll be furious. It might be enough to cause them to turn me out of their clan. My best hope is that, if the wolves do manage to track me down, they’ll decide I’m not worth a fight with the infamous Hell’s Bears. But this is a small clan, so I can’t be certain of that.
And then, there’s the fact that only two of them want me here. I don’t have any doubts about who the holdout was, either. Luka is giving me a welcoming smile, and I’m sure Jack was swayed by the fact that I’m an omega and can contribute so significantly to the clan. But Ryan’s face is still twisted in anger. I’ve never before lived with someone who so obviously didn’t want me around. Is there any chance he’ll change his mind, or is this what life is going to be like from now on?
It’s still the best option I have. I’ll figure out a way to live with Ryan. He’ll figure out a way to live with me. It’s the only way I can keep myself safe. I can hear Berto’s voice in my head reassuring me that I’m making the right choice. I have to hope he’s right.
Jack pulls down several strips of jerky and passes them around to all of us. Ryan builds a fire. Together, we settle in for my official first meal as a member of the Hell’s Bears clan.
Chapter Five
I spend the next week doing my best to settle in. It’s challenging. So much of my new life is different from everything I knew before. But I sense, right away, that I can’t let the Hell’s Bears see how uncomfortable I am. The best thing I can do to ensure my survival in my new clan is to blend in as seamlessly as possible.
Part of that means adjusting to living in a cave. I’ve never slept outdoors in my life. Some of my old clanmates did from time to time, when they were camping or hunting, but I never went along on those trips. I’m used to my soft mattress, my warm comforter, and the soothing whirr of my ceiling fan. But life in the cave really couldn’t be more different.
As exhausted as I am, I didn’t get a wink of sleep the first night. Every time I rolled over on the hides that had been laid out for me, my hips and shoulders dug into the stone. It felts like I was being bruised whenever I moved. I finally forced myself to hold still, flat on my back, my head cushioned by a couple of folded skins. It’s sort of comfortable. I could get used to it. But I’m not anything like used to it yet.
Then there’s the fact that the others sleep so near me. Back with my old clan, the betas all slept together in a massive common room, but they had separate beds, cordoned off with curtains and room separators. Leo and Alessa had a room of their own since they were married, and beca
use it wasn’t good for me to be around the others while I was in heat, I had my own room too. Here, though, we all sleep in the center of the cave, piled together for warmth. It’s not uncommon for me to wake up with a hand on my arm or an ankle crossed over mine, simply because of the way we all fall together and forget the boundary lines of our own bodies in the dark.
The one thing I adjust to very quickly is the sound of my fellow bears breathing in sleep. There’s something about it that’s very natural and comforting. It’s a deep, pleasant rumble that fills the cave and makes me feel safe and home and at peace. I marvel at it the first time I hear it. I used to think I was lucky to have my own bedroom, but now I can see that the betas probably considered themselves the lucky ones, back in Montana. They got to fall asleep to the reassuring sound of each other’s breathing every night, and I was the one left all alone.
During waking hours, to my surprise, I do have a section of the cave that’s mine alone. On my first day with the Hell’s Bears, Luka quietly helped me hang a curtain of hides, shielding one corner from the rest of the cave. He placed my backpack in the corner, smiled at me, and disappeared. There’s not enough room in the little cordoned off section to sleep, but I can change clothes or give myself a quick bath with one of my stolen washcloths. None of the others ever violate my privacy in that space. It’s a huge relief to be able to point to one little area of the world, no matter how tiny it may be, that still belongs to me.
I adapt to the Hell’s Bears’ routine very quickly. We’re up with the dawn each morning. Breakfast is jerky and fruit, and then the three men disappear until lunchtime. No one talks to me about any responsibilities I might have, so for the first two days, I don’t do anything during the morning hours, but on day three, I summon up my nerve and ask Jack if I could tend to the fire while they’re away.
He gives me a measured look. “Do you know how to do that?” he asks.
I’m on the verge of answering that, of course I do, but something stops me. If they come home from the hunt and I don’t have the fire under control, they’ll know I misrepresented my abilities. What’s more, I would have given myself away as a liar. Better to tell the truth now. “No,” I admit. “I’ve never done it before. But I’m a fast learner.”
Jack nods. “It isn’t a bad idea. I’ll have Ryan teach you tomorrow after dinner.”
Ryan. The idea of spending time with him is not appealing. We haven’t exchanged a word since I joined the clan, and although he’s stopped glowering at me all the time, he treats me like I don’t exist. This will be the first time we’ve been forced to confront each other. “Couldn’t you teach me instead?” I ask. “Or Luka?”
“No,” Jack says, eyebrows raised. “If you want to learn to do it right, you need Ryan. He’s the best fire builder in the clan. Besides, it will be good for the two of you to get to know each other a little better. This tension between you is a problem for the whole group.”
I know he’s right, but that doesn’t make me any more eager to spend time with Ryan. I know he’s not going to want to spend his time with me either. But Jack is the alpha. His decisions are ironclad. His word is law. And so, the next afternoon, when the men came back from hunting, I approached Ryan to ask about fire making lessons.
He’s sitting on the floor with his back to the wall, sharpening a knife against a rock. For a moment, it occurs to me to wonder why he has to do this—surely, they aren’t out hunting with knives?—but then I realize that when they bring their prey back to the den, they’re using knives to remove the hides and cut up the meat. I’ve never seen them do this. They don’t do it in the cave. I wouldn’t mind if I never had to watch it. It sounds macabre.
Ryan looks up as I walk over, but he doesn’t speak, and right away, I know this isn’t going to be easy. He wants nothing to do with me. It couldn’t be more obvious.
I clear my throat. “Hey, Ryan.”
Ryan grunts.
“I was talking to Jack, and...well, he thought it would be good if I learned how to build a fire.”
No answer.
“That way, I could have the place warm for you when you got back from hunting,” I try. “And we could be ready to cook. It would save everyone some time.”
“That isn’t why you want to do it,” Ryan says. “You want to keep the place warm while we’re out. You want to use our wood, our resources, heating the den when you’re the only one here.”
I’m stung. These are the first words Ryan has spoken to me since I joined the clan, and he’s using them to be divisive. He’s drawing a line between me and the others, putting me outside the group. Keeping me warm is a waste of resources, a waste of firewood. We live in a forest. We aren’t going to run out of wood. He just doesn’t want me to be included.
“It doesn’t matter if it helps me or not,” I say, finally summoning my voice again. “That isn’t a reason not to do it. It helps you too. It’s good for the whole clan if I know how to do things, like make fire.”
“You’re not part of this clan,” Ryan says.
You can’t get more blunt than that. “I am part of the clan,” I counter, although it takes every ounce of courage in me to argue with him. “There was a vote. By majority agreement, I’m in.”
Ryan shakes his head. “You’ve been here for three days,” he says. “That’s nothing. You’ve never been through a winter with us. You’ve never been hungry with us. You’ve never fought beside us. What are you to me?”
“I’m the woman who’s going to give you children,” I say.
He shakes his head. “The others, maybe. Not me. I still have the power to make my own choices, and I don’t need you.”
Frustration burns at me, and a huge part of me wants to just turn around and walk away from Ryan. No one has ever spoken to me like this before. In my old clan, everyone was kind and sweet and devoted to me. No one ever made me feel like I was making their life worse just by being around.
I’m not going to let him get away with it. I steel myself. “Fine,” I tell him. “You don’t want to mate with me. I don’t especially want to mate with you either. But I do want to pull my weight around here. I may be new, but we’re heading into winter now. You want to talk about getting each other through the cold season and helping each other not to starve? I can do that. I can learn to build fires. And that will help everyone. You, me, and the others. But I can’t do it without your help.”
He scowls.
“Besides,” I say, “Jack told me to get help from you. He wants you to do it.”
Ryan heaves a sigh. “Get some wood together,” he says. “We’ll go over it right now. It’s easy, so you should be able to pick it up quickly, right?”
I know this is a challenge, and it’s one I’m going to have to rise to. “I’m a fast learner.”
Ryan nods. “We’ll see.”
We each gather a pile of wood. In the center of the cave, Ryan demonstrates how to stack a pyramid of kindling around some bark shavings and create a small flame. “Don’t block the air from getting to it,” he says, once the fire is going. “Fires need oxygen to survive. That’s why you can’t just throw on a big log and walk away. You’ll smother it. You need to build it up a little bit at a time.”
“Like this?” I stoke the fire with some smallish sticks.
“That’s right,” Ryan says begrudgingly.
We sit quietly by the fire, watching as it builds, taking turns to add increasingly large pieces of wood. The crackle is actually very peaceful, and it almost lets me forget the animosity between the two of us. I wonder if this is what Jack predicted, or if he simply hoped that being forced to talk to each other would break down some walls. Either way, he was right. For the first time, I truly appreciate what a wise alpha he is. Leo was the same way. For the first time, I’m not just relieved to be a part of this clan—I’m a little bit proud too.
I reach for another piece of wood. Ryan goes for it at the same time. Our hands meet.
I immediately pull away. Something
about his touch has shocked me, almost painfully, like a burst of static but different somehow. I stare up at him. He’s looking back at me, just as surprised but with a tinge of anger in his eyes.
“What was that?” I ask. “Did you feel that?”
Ryan gets to his feet. He pauses long enough to give me his signature glare, then turns and storms out of the cave without a word.
What just happened? I’m completely at a loss. I look down at my fingers. I can still feel the tingle from where Ryan and I touched, and to my great surprise, I find myself wanting to follow him out of the cave and make sure he’s all right. But I restrain myself. I can’t be around him now, not when he’s angry like this. It could be dangerous.
I turn my attention back to the fire instead and concentrate on the rising flame.
Chapter Six
After the fire making incident, Ryan avoids me even more studiously than before. It gets to the point where he’s actually steering clear of the whole clan, going out for long runs and solo hunting trips in the afternoons and evenings, and eating on his own outside the cave. I have no idea what he’s thinking. If he wants to make me feel excluded from the group, he’s going about it in exactly the wrong way. Jack, Luka, and I are spending more time together and bonding. He’s only isolating himself.
At first, I feel a sense of satisfaction about it—this is what he deserves for being so cold and unfriendly to me—but that wears off quickly. I don’t want to come between him and the rest of the clan. It’s one more thing to worry about, one more concern I don’t need. If Jack and Luka decide they need to choose between me or him, I’m under no illusions about who they’ll ask to leave.
But I have to admit, I do appreciate the opportunity to get to know my new family. Luka is very easy to get along with. He always asks me about my day, even though my answers are always the same—I tend the fire until the men come home. I never leave the cave, even though no one has ordered me to stay inside—I’m too afraid of what might be lurking out there, and I know that if I ever allowed the fire to get out of control, Ryan would have all the excuse he needed to raise objections to my presence. I generally try not to eat until the others have come home from the hunt. I still don’t feel entitled to the food unless one of them is expressly giving it to me. Maybe things would be different if I knew how to hunt myself, if I was contributing to our stores, but until then, I feel like a guest at the table.
