The Perfect Lover
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The Perfect Lover
A guide to those seeking to build excellent love relationships
Alex W Ayala
Copyright © 2018 by Alex W Ayala. All rights reserved.
No part of this publication or the information in it may be quoted from or reproduced in any form by means such as printing, scanning, photocopying or otherwise without prior written permission of the copyright holder.
Table of Content
Introduction
Chapter One
Learn the languages of Love
Chapter 2
Understand That Procrastination Has To Go
Chapter 3
Learning The Rubrics Of Romance
Chapter 4
Winning Over the Parents
Chapter 5
Learning the Art of Conflict
Chapter 6
Being Open in the Relationship
Chapter 7
Ending Words
Introduction
The dawn of this generation came upon the human race with a magnanimous increase in the manifestation of realities in several contexts and on several planes; in ways unimaginable, human existence, interaction and understanding are both expanding and deteriorating. And, yes, they are happening side by side. Things that used to be hard to bear are now common practice and often celebrated. Time was when people were intentional about making their relationships with other people work – irrespective of the context of the relationship – but these days, people would rather allow their relationships deteriorate. While our world is expanding in the knowledge of the use of technology, our world is deteriorating in the context of human relationships and interaction and this isn’t a good thing.
These days, marriages are not working out or are outrightly failing because people are making the wrong decisions when it comes to relationships and things turn out terrible for them. People fail to realize that contrary to the popular notion that humans who do not share a connection cannot communicate, making relationships and communication work is intentional. This implies that people who do not even like each other can be in a relationship and grow to love each other and become best of friends. In time past, the basis of getting married used to be more than just mutual attraction to one another.
Building relationships that wind up in marriage require a lot of input from both parties involved. There are notions that are usually peddled around that it is a man’s job to make a relationship work, or that it is a woman’s job to be submissive in a relationship. The truth is that these things actually require both parties to be willing to fully participate in the process of initiating, building and sustaining a relationship and making it work. These stereotypes are some of the tumults that relationships face and they must be removed for relationships to work. This is one very important aspect of this book. There is a need to remind couples and intending lovers that in a relationship, there are two humans; both prone to mistakes, both susceptible to mood swings, both deserving of care and attention and both accountable to each other.
Sustaining relationships combines everything from the conversations that the two individuals in the relationship engage in, to their reactions to the shortcomings of each other, to their ability to put up with and win over the family of each other. In this book, we will cover everything from managing conflicts in your relationship to resolving conflicts and reaching compromises. And then we will consider the importance of family and see ways in which people can win over the families of their partners and become entrenched in the conversations that family engages in like they are a part of that family. We would consider the importance of this and examine ways in which people can accomplish this without having to struggle very much. Also, we will consider the benefits of winning the members of your partner’s family over emotionally.
This book is a must read for people who are in rocky relationships or are planning to get into a relationship and do not want to encounter problems. If you match this description, then dig in and enjoy.
Chapter One
Learn the languages of Love
Love is a beautiful thing that happens to everyone on the planet. As a matter of fact, you would be surprised to know that even animals find love and express their love in various ways. However, we are talking about you and how you can be able to become the perfect lover. I am talking about how you can be able to add a unique spice to your dull relationship and make a new one work, if you have just discovered love.
Like every other chapter of this book, this chapter will be filled with action points, which you can take along with your partner.
Let me pause here to say that you may find some of the activities to be very tasking but I assure you that they are potent in making you a better lover.
So, what exactly do I mean when I say the languages of Love?
Every child grows up learning the languages of the parents and the society she/he is born into. These languages are important so that the child can be able to pass across the message that needs to be passed across because no one understands gibberish. It is the same thing with love. Love has a unique language of its own and you will have to learn the rubrics of that language if you want to become the perfect lover. At the onset of falling in love, you will be able to get away with certain stuff that you do, however, if you do not learn the rubrics of love, your mistakes will become so glaring and intolerable to your partner.
Suppose you are to be abruptly moved to Turkey where the chief language is Arabic: At the first few months, you could get the little things you need by pointing at stuff and demonstrating. However, after a while, people will find it irritating because they expect that you should have learnt the Arabic language in order to communicate with them. Do you want to know another unique thing about this example? The people there would be very happy with you if you learn the language within a short time.
Can you see that this example can be applicable to lovers as well. The longer it takes for you to learn the love languages, the angrier your partner becomes. And the shorter it takes for you to learn the language, the happier your partner becomes. I know you want your partner to be happy so here are the languages of Love.
Love Is About Giving
No one can ever claim to love someone while being selfish. That statement is a fact of life that has been held through for many centuries. If you are a person of religion, you will notice that the foundations of the most established religions are on selfless love. Take the Christian religion for instance: the message is hinged on the assertion that Jesus Christ came to die for the sins of mankind. That singular message of love has earned more converts than every other religion ever!
Can you see where I am going with this? Everything about love is founded on the pillar of giving and you cannot love your partner when you are not ready to give up something for him/her. So, what are the things you are going to be giving out in order to show that you truly care for your partner?
Time- Time is a very priceless currency which is dear to everyone. Because it is one of the currencies we cherish most, you will have to give some of it out to your partner. This means that you have to begin to carve out time out of your schedule to be with your lover because there is no love shown when you are absent. I will gift you with some words from a scientist to show you just how much giving is important.
A particular scientist wanted to show that plants are so much like human beings. In order to do this, she conducted an experiment on two sets of plants that were placed in different rooms. Both plants were placed in the same kind of room with the same temperature, same exposure to sunlight and watered with the same liter of water. However, the difference between the two plants was that the scientist spent time with one set of plants more than the other. For plant A, she wo
uld water them while singing a little and caressing it, while plant B only received the occasional watering through an artificial means. The results that she got from this study were outstanding because the plants that she sang to, caressed and spent more time with were growing at a faster pace than the other. Their growth was not the only thing noticed, as the leaves were more luxuriant and stronger than the other.
I was not too amused as you are with the results of the experiment because I have spoken to gardeners before. A particular lady I know used to sing to her plants when tending them, and when I asked the reason why, she told me that they responded better when she did this. While chuckling, she remembered a time she traveled for a week and left her plants to be tended by a younger fellow. Some of the plants died and others began to turn brown until she came back.
I gave this example to show that even plants respond very well when their owners spend time with them.
Financial Resources- Can you honestly tell me that you love your lady without willing to spend for her? The question goes both ways and it shows that spending is a great way to show that you indeed care for your partner. Let us get one thing clear: you may not have the money to hire a yacht and take your partner on a leisure cruise around the Bahamas. You may not even have the money to buy a rare diamond necklace that was used by Queen Victoria in 1765. However, any little thing you can get would be very appreciated by your partner. Let me let you into a secret that I learnt from Gary Chapman's "Five love languages". One of the most potent love Languages is Giving Gifts. When you read his book, you get to discover that some partners perceive gifts as a sign that you truly love and value the relationship.
Some other partners value Quality Time, Acts of Service, Touch, and Words.
Action activity
1.Find a charity organization that is closest to you. Go to the location of the charity and then offer your services. I used to know a couple that always took time off from their weekly schedule to go to the local soup kitchen closest to them. You can as well decide to go to the nearest elderly home to help the Health Care Workers that are there. If there are no elderly homes next to you, visit the home of an elderly person that is around. The both of you can help him/her with her laundry, visit to the grocery store, as well as cleaning up the home.
2.I want you to make a visit to the very special restaurant of your partner. Make sure you get her/him the best meal being served. You can then decide to go to the gift store to buy something she has been meaning to get for a long time. I knew a guy who was so much enthusiastic to show his willingness to give that he spent a lot of money to take a culinary course in the food his girlfriend loved the most. Though this set him back financially, it truly showed that he truly cared for her and he got what he wanted because she loved him the more.
3.Take out time to surprise her parents with a visit alone. Take gifts along and then volunteer to help them out. I will show you the importance of winning over your partner's parents in Chapter 4. For now, as a form of activity, I want you to move to their home and then surprise them with a chore. I can assure you firmly that you will be doing yourself the greatest favor in the relationship. When you are done, I want you to tell her/his parents not to tell your partner of what you have done. Chances are that they will eventually tell your partner and that partner would totally love you the more
Love is kind
This is the second most important love language that you will have to master. Sometimes people think that they will always remain kind to the ones they love but they are shocked to find out that they do unkind things to them. Such people are just getting to understand that becoming a kind person is a habit that must be learned. You may love someone and still be unkind to him/her through your words and actions. That is the sad truth and this has wrecked many relationships that started out excellent. So, how exactly can you learn to be kind? Kindness starts from asking questions like,
What does my partner want?
How will my partner feel?
These questions are meant to throw you off from being the center of attention within every situation that happens. For instance, if you were to be having an argument, kindness requires that you mentally ask yourself, how do I disagree without hurting his/her feelings? (I will teach you the art of Arguing in Chapter 5). When you are able to think this way, you are slowly mastering how to be kind. Kindness requires that you put yourself through stressful times for your partner even though you are stressed. It requires that you see things from their own perspective so that you can be able to frame your actions and speech at all times.
Action activity-
1.Whenever she/he falls sick, I want you to drop everything you are doing in order to attend to her/his needs. If you are a little far away, you can try everything you can to visit and stay until your partner gets better. If you are very far from your partner's location, make sure you always remember to call, or you could get a buddy and bestie of yours to be there for them.
2.Dedicate a day out of your week to help massage your partner. Take an online class or watch videos from YouTube that teach the ways to massage. After learning, drop hints that you want him/her to be available on a certain date. Keep your partner's hopes up by a constant reminder and on that day, surprise her/him with the best body massage ever. I once knew a friend who went to a local Chinese massage spot to learn the rudiments of the Acupuncture massage. After she had sufficiently learned it, she applied the learned stuff on her boyfriend who left a comment that he was in the 7th Heaven. I must advise at this point that the Acupuncture massage is not to be applied after learning a few videos on YouTube. I advise you learn and practice from a real expert. Until then, please be content with the conventional massage.
Love is spontaneous
What is spontaneity and why is it so important for a perfect lover? Spontaneity is the art of drifting away from your rigid position. It is the active act of doing something that is not in your traditional routine. Many of us know the routines that we set for ourselves. Some romantic partners know the routine of their partners so much that they unconsciously help them get through it. For instance, Mary knows Harry's routine so much that she unconsciously wakes up at 6 just to prepare his morning breakfast of eggs and toast. That is how most of us are wired. We cook our dinners this way, button up that way, eat this way and so on. In most cases, our routine may have been passed down from our parents.
However, spontaneity is the spice of life and every relationship. I want you to remember that statement. Any partner who seeks to be the perfect lover must always be spontaneous at some point of his/her schedule. If you are too predictable, your partner may not expect much from you and may not be too amazed by what you do. When your sex life is just like the same old song being repeated daily, there is absolutely no spice to it and it will tend to bore your partner.
How then do you break free of being spontaneous and what are some actionable activities you can engage in?
Action Activity-
1.Take out your jotter and write your partner a love poem. I know it sounds crazy, right? I can even see you offering a little laugh as you shake your head while saying that it will be a little difficult. However, I want you to just try it because everyone can write poetry. Unlike other people who feel that poetry is very difficult, I want you to know that it is just an expression of what you feel.
What do you feel about her eyes?
The poem may go like this,
Your eyes are the windows to my soul
Light, it brings
Fire, it breathes
Hope, it flings.
What do you think of him/her as a person? You can decide to pen it down in a poetic form and I doubly assure you that he/she would feel loved. After writing the poetry make sure you place it at a place your partner can easily see it, for example, you can pin it to the fridge or leave it under a pillow. Some partners decide to spice this act up by leaving a rose on the paper.
2.I want to buy her tickets to his/her favorite show-
I guess you have spent sufficient time with your partner to know the kind of show she/he craves at all times. In some instances, your partner may love fashion shows very much or he may love sporting shows like Formula 1. I don't want you to take the cost into consideration now: just get him/her front row seats at the event and then leave it in a place that is so random.
3.I want you to update your sex catalog. This point will be fully discussed further in Chapter 3 where I will teach you the art of Romance. However, I want you to update your sex catalog by learning new bedroom tricks that will help to spice up your sex life. I would leave it at this so that I will get to reveal much more for you in Chapter 3.
4.I want you to plan a romantic flash mob. Remember that I told you that spontaneity is the spice of every relationship? This is why I want you to plan something that will literally blow off your partner's mind. Have you ever imagined going someplace with your partner and as you are walking, a mob just appears, singing your favorite song and calling out your name. You would be totally amazed, right? That is the expression I want you to gift to your partner with this flash mob. You can ask around about the ways to organize a flash mob and you may even get your friends to spare some time to make it memorable. Remember, we are going for an act that would bring out an epic response from your partner
Chapter 2
Understand That Procrastination Has To Go
Socrates who was one of the most popular Greek philosophers alongside Plato and Aristotle had a popular saying that goes thus, "An unexamined life is not worth living".
What this particular axiom meant is that everyone must always continue to engage in self-introspect and analysis at every point in time. This particular chapter is aimed at helping you to analyze yourself in order to chart a course towards perfection. The chapter is not only going to help you overcome procrastination within your relationship but in general aspects of life and that is the golden nuggets will apply to general scenarios.