The girls are locking down hard. Even Allie is vague-booking shit. Telling me to give Bibiana space. That she just needs time to think.
No, the fuck she doesn’t because all she’s doing is thinking about shit that never fucking happened. Giving her time and space right now is not going to help me in the least. It’s only going to make shit worse.
“Take a breath,” Allie says, handing me a cup of something warm. Cocoa by the looks of the mug. I accept the drink and take a sip, immediately recognizing the spiced flavor of Abuela’s hot chocolate, but I barely taste it. Everything feels bland to my senses, my world a colorless haze of gray.
I take another drink, hoping the warmth will seep into my bones and calm me down, but it does nothing for me. My leg won’t stop bouncing. My mind is racing a mile a minute trying to come up with a way to win my girl back. If I could just talk to her…
“Emilio?”
I look up from my cup.
“Whatever you’re thinking, stop. It’s not that bad.” Allie says, dropping down into Roman’s lap and leaning against him. We’re all sitting in their living room—Dominique, Roman, Allie and I, as I try to come up with a plan, but so far, I’ve got nothing.
I scrape my bottom lip through my teeth and shake my head. “You don’t know that. You didn’t see the look on her face when she left—”
“She thinks you cheated. That this probably isn’t the first time,” Allies admits as if I don’t know that already, but hearing it aloud pisses me right the fuck off.
“I didn’t cheat!” I snap at her, shoving to my feet. “I never cheated. Not once.”
Roman glowers at me. “Calm the fuck down and don’t yell at her,” he bites out.
Dominique’s hand on my shoulder stops me from stepping closer and instead I sit back down, my shoulders slumping in defeat. “I didn’t fucking cheat. I told you guys what happened. I wouldn’t—“
“We know,” Allie says. “And we believe you. Just… give her some time. Right now, she’s hurt and—”
“She doesn’t need to be. If she would just talk to me. Let me explain. I could fix this.”
Allie nods her head, a solemn look in her dark brown eyes. “I know. But she asked for some space. You need to give her that. Let her realize her mistake on her own terms. Don’t push her or you’ll end up pushing her away. You have a visit with Luis tomorrow, right? It won’t kill you to wait one more day to see her.”
I tighten my jaw. It might.
I hate that I’m using the visit too. I want to see my boy. I have the right to. But I won’t lie. I’m one hundred percent leveraging that against her as a way to make her see me. The only communication I’ve had from Bibiana since last night is a text saying she’ll send me the address to Jae’s tomorrow an hour before my scheduled time to pick up Luis. That was it. This wasn’t even supposed to be our first one-on-one visit. I was going to hang out with her. With them. But I guess she’s pissed enough to rush our timeline along. I should be happy about that. I get my boy. But, fuck. I want her too.
She won’t even leave her phone on long enough for me to respond. I can’t lose her. The thought alone has me feeling paralyzed. Helpless. There’s this ache in my chest that won’t subside. I don’t want to be without her. She’s…she’s everything. I won’t lose her. Not over something like this.
My palms are sweating. I’m picking up my kid from another dude’s house. One who I’m sure is enjoying playing house with what is mine.
“Emilio, you need to calm down,” Dominique, the voice of reason, says beside me in the passenger seat. Roman and Aaron are sitting in the back, the three of them having collectively decided I couldn’t be trusted to handle this on my own. “If Bibiana sees you like this, no way in hell is she letting you leave with Luis.”
My lip curls and I scowl at him, flicking on my turn signal as I take a left at the stop sign. “He’s my kid,” I remind them.
Dom snorts. “Like that fucking matters. Bibi is going to see you and go full on momma bear. Remember what happened the night you found out Luis was yours? She didn’t cave to you then and she won’t cave to you now. Take a breath. Chill.”
I do as he instructs, but the tension riding me keeps me stiff. She’s been avoiding my calls. Avoiding me. And now, picking my kid up like this, none of it sits well with me. We pull up to the address she gave me, and I immediately spot Jae’s car. I figured he’d be here. It is the fucker’s house after all, but she could have at least—I don’t know—asked him to leave for a little bit.
I tighten my grip on the steering wheel for a second before I force myself to open the door and step outside. “Breathe,” Aaron tells me. “You’ve got this.” The walk to the front porch feels like I’m heading to a funeral, but I have a plan. I just have to keep my eye on the prize. I ramp myself up as if I’m about to step on the field. I’ve got this.
All I gotta do is explain what actually happened the other night. Make her listen. Once she knows, she’ll understand. I get why she’s hurt. Angry. Hell, if I thought she stepped out on me I’d be pissed too. But this is nothing. We can get past it. I’m sure of it. I take a deep breath. Stick to the plan.
I knock three times on the door before it swings open and it’s Jae’s face that greets me.
“Hey,” he says in way of greeting and opens the door wider, taking me by surprise. I figured he’d posture or some shit. Try and knock me down a few pegs. He picked her up from the party. He saw what a mess she was. I’m sure she’s told him what she thought happened, so I expected anger from him. Or maybe satisfaction. But I get none of that. Just mild resignation.
Despite the greeting, I shake my head. I don’t want to go inside. I don’t want to be anywhere near this fucker because I am two seconds from going off and slamming my fist into his face. Breathe, I remind myself. He can downplay whatever he’d like, but I know he wants my girl and I’m sure he’ll use this situation to his advantage. If I were in his shoes, I would.
My worry from last night has morphed into righteous anger. I need someone to take it out on and unfortunately for me, it can’t be him.
“Where’s Bibiana?”
He sighs and disappears down the hallway leaving the door open for me to follow. I don’t. But I can’t stop myself from looking around, my eyes taking in the scattered toys and Bibiana’s backpack near the door. She’s made herself right at home.
A few seconds later she appears, Luis in her arms and a diaper bag hanging over her shoulder. My chest tightens when I see her. Her hair is pulled back into a ponytail and her face is bare, showcasing the dark circles under her eyes. She’s beautiful, but those signs of exhaustion worry me.
“Can we talk?” I ask, itching to reach for her, but instead I shove my hands in my pockets and wait.
“Is it about Luis?” she asks, dodging the question with one of her own.
I shake my head. “No. It’s about us.”
“There isn’t an us anymore, Emilio. I think it would be best if we kept our communication centered around our son.” Her tone is clipped, without an ounce of emotion in it, but I don’t miss the clenching of her jaw.
I bite the inside of my cheek and glance at Jae who is hovering a few steps away. I don’t want to have this conversation with him watching, but I can’t very well tell him to leave either. And despite what she wants, we’re going to talk.
I shift my gaze back to Bibiana, careful to keep my tone calm, soothing even. I don’t want to tick her off and I don’t want to make a scene in front of Luis. I know he’s little. Doesn’t understand what we’re saying all the time. But I remember my parents fighting in front of me as a kid. That isn’t something I ever want to do in front of my son. “It isn’t what you think. I didn’t—”
“I know.” Still holding my gaze, she shakes her head. “I know what happened. I know you didn’t cheat on me.”
“You do?” Relief crashes over me and my shoulders relax. I take a step forward about to reach for her when she leans away. My arms fal
l back to my sides. If she knows, then why is she still being like this? My heart squeezes in my chest. What am I missing?
“I talked to Allie. And Kasey. And Aaron.” She sighs. “I didn’t have much of a choice since they just kept calling and calling, but yeah, I heard about the beer. The shirt. That you pushed Sarah away. I know all of that.”
If all that’s true then—
“But,” she takes a deep breath, “I still can’t be with you. Not like that.”
Wait. What? “Why the hell not?” I snap my teeth together to bite back the rest of my words, knowing I’ll say something I’ll regret.
Moisture pools in the corners of her eyes, but she blinks it away before holding her arms out to hand Luis to me, her movements stiff, almost robotic. I take him, careful to support his weight as she hands me his diaper bag. “Because the other night made me realize a few things I hadn’t stopped to consider.”
I flick my gaze between her and Luis and wait. He smiles, showcasing the two bottom teeth he has, and I take a second to properly greet him. “You ready to spend the day with your old man?” He gurgles and jabbers, swinging his arms and kicking his feet.
Bibiana remains quiet, so I decide to push.
“Like what?”
“I don’t trust you.”
Ouch. I mean, that much was already clear with how she reacted, but hearing it aloud is still like a knife to the gut.
“But—”
She raises a hand. “Let me finish.”
I give her a stiff nod, clinging to my son like a lifeline.
Bibiana’s chest rises and falls with her breaths and she turns to Jae for a moment. He gives her a nod of encourage and that alone makes my hackles rise. What is he encouraging her to do here, exactly?
“Luis needs to come first, always.”
“He does.”
“But he won’t if we’re fighting. I don’t want to risk burning bridges with you. We’re both young. A relationship would have never worked out between us. Not long-term.”
“You don’t know that,” I bite out. She’s refused to give this a real chance, fighting me every step of the way. She didn’t want to get married. Didn’t want to fucking date. I don’t even know what to call what we’ve been doing, but even that was half-assed on her part.
But before I can say any of that she continues, “Seeing you with Sarah the other night made me hate you. It made me want to hurt you and the best way to do that is with him.” She nods toward Luis. “I don’t want to be that person. I don’t ever want to use him against you or have him used against me. He isn’t some bargaining chip and I hate myself for even considering it.”
Air freezes in my lungs as her words hit their mark and my eyes narrow. She folds her arms across her chest and looks away. A single tear slips past her defenses and she hastily wipes it away.
“We can’t afford to be at one another’s throats. We can’t feud and fight. This can’t be messy. We have a child together and that’s complicated enough. Trying to date, to be whatever it is that you want, it just makes an already complicated situation worse. I think for both our sakes, we need to focus on being co-parents. Not—not anything more.”
I stand there, stunned. I expected her anger. Her fury and hatred even. But I was prepared to fight for her. To convince her of my innocence. Now, I don’t know what to do. My mind is left reeling. She knows I didn’t cheat but she still doesn’t want me. I’m not worth the effort, I guess. Not worth her time. And that she even considered keeping Luis from me…
I bite the inside of my cheek harder until blood pools in my mouth, the metallic taste grounding me.
She clears her throat. “Everything you’ll need should be in the bag, but if it isn’t, call me.”
I nod my head.
“He ate about thirty minutes ago so he should be okay for at least another hour.”
I nod again.
“Oh, and he’s happy and awake now but he usually takes his second nap around two, so you’ll notice he’ll start to get crabby. His chupeta”—pacifier— “is in the right-side pocket and his blanket is in the large compartment. He won’t sleep without both of them.”
I know all of this already, having picked most of it up during our time together, but I let her run through her list before she tells Luis goodbye.
“Alright. I guess we’ll be on our way.”
“Okay.”
Fuck. Fine. This is not how I planned shit to go. I turn and take two steps towards the SUV when Bibi calls out, “Wait,” and I freeze thinking maybe she’s changed her mind. Maybe—
She rushes to me and gives Luis a quick kiss on the cheek, running her hand lovingly over his hair. “Okay.” She seems to gather herself. “Have a great time together. And if you need—”
“Bibi…”
She pauses. “I know. I’m sorry. I’m not changing my mind. It’s your day with him.” She visibly swallows. “I know he’s safe with you. Just ignore me.”
“I’ll bring him back at seven.”
Another nod. “Okay. Thanks.” She gives me a forced smile and this time when I turn to leave, she doesn’t stop me.
Fuck. I wish she did.
Thirty-one
Watching Emilio leave with Luis is torture. Not only because my heart is breaking or because it’s hard sharing Luis, but also because any thoughts I had of the three of us being a family, a real family, have been shattered.
Hope—that one word means so much, and I now have none of it.
We’re not a couple anymore. I don’t know that we ever really were. What we are is co-parents. Two people who need to navigate parenting our child responsibly as a unit.
I watched the videos. Read the books. Listened to the podcasts about effective co-parenting. Anything I could get my hands on this weekend, I binged it. And the biggest take away from them all was how complicated having a romantic relationship with the other parent is. How detrimental it can be to your child’s well-being if things don’t work out. How it’s safest and often best to just shelf any ideas of a romance and focus on your child’s needs. So that’s what I’m going to do.
Luis has to come first. Always.
I won’t lie, I’m relieved Emilio didn’t cheat. Relieved he wasn’t hooking up with Sarah Draven or anyone else all this time behind my back. Truly, I am. But, this is for the best. Even if it sucks. Even if it feels like my insides are being ripped out of my chest. The pain will go away eventually, right? I mean, it has to. Isn’t that how the saying goes? Everything gets better with time? That’s all I need. More time.
School is strange the following week. Allie is still my friend. So are Kasey and Aaron, but things are noticeably different. I arrive to school on time as usual and take Luis with me to first period. Like the other days before, Dominique greets me once the bell rings and takes Luis for second since he has a non-schedule.
“Everything good?” he asks. And while innocent enough, it feels like a loaded question.
I force a smile past my lips. “Yeah. Great.”
His dark brown eyes drill into me and I can see the word liar hanging in the air between us. Thankfully, he keeps it to himself.
“I’ll see you at lunch.”
I swallow hard and nod, wondering if maybe I should just keep Luis. This is awkward, to say the least. I don’t want him to feel obligated to help me especially now that Emilio and I aren’t well anything.
“I… umm… you don’t have—“
He shakes his head. “Whatever is going on with you and E, that’s between you two. It doesn’t affect me helping out.”
My shoulders sag. “Are you sure?”
He nods and without another word, turns and heads for the library, Luis safe and snug in his arms.
Kasey approaches me on the way to my next class, her expression more subdued than usual. “You doing okay?” she asks, linking her arm with mine. I wish people would stop asking me that.
“As good as can be expected,” I tell her, which is the truth.
/> “You know, you don’t have—“
I cut her off. “Yeah, I do. You know I do.”
Her lips press into a tight line.
“Kasey, you know how he is with girls. They throw themselves at him every chance they get.” And that fear, that doubt, isn’t something I can make go away. It will eat at my self-confidence. It will tear at the threads of any relationship we attempt. I’m insecure and I know it. I look at these girls with their perfect looks, perfect bodies, and know I don’t compare. Not when my stomach is soft, my skin loose and stretch marks streak across my skin. They’re in their prime and I’m, well, not.
Her expression is tight, but she nods. “I know, and I know I’ve always given him hell for being a player but”—she hesitates—“he was at my house this weekend.”
I frown. “What for?” I know he and Aaron are friends, but they don’t strike me as close. The relationship between Aaron and the other guys seem to mainly exist because of Allie’s influence and maybe Roman’s acceptance, though I’ve never outright asked.
A shrug. “I don’t really know to be honest. All the Devils came over and hung out for a bit before going to pick up Luis from you.” She bites her bottom lip. “I wasn’t supposed to be eavesdropping but….“
When she pauses, my chest tightens, almost like my body is bracing itself for her next words. The urge to shake her and make her tell me everything is whirling through me like a storm, but I force myself to inhale, take a deep breath, exhale. Let it go. It doesn’t matter what was said. It doesn’t matter if he’s upset or relieved or anything. I made my decision. This is for the best.
I squeeze her arm. “It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me.” My smile is forced, but I keep the expression until we reach the door to my next class. “I gotta go, but we’ll talk later.”
“Oh.” Her nose scrunches. “Are you sure?”
“Yup. Don’t worry about it.”
I wave and go into class, counting my steps as I go. This is for the best, I remind myself for what feels like the one hundredth time. It has to be.
Savage Devil: A Secret Baby, High School Bully Romance (Devils of Sun Valley High Book 2) Page 20
