“Where is she?” I whirl back around to face him, an idea already forming. “Where is she right now?”
Face drawn, he shakes his head. “I don’t know but you need to think—”
“I’ve been thinking.” That’s all I ever do. I think about how this girl who owns my bleeding fucking heart doesn’t want it. How I’m not good enough. How I’ll never be good enough. But what if she doesn’t see me like that? What if she doesn’t think I’m worthless. Even if I am. Fuck. I scrub my hands over my face. How could I be so stupid? I’ve been angry, so goddamn angry that she could just give up on us like that. Throw me away like I meant nothing to her, but that wasn’t what she was doing. She was protecting herself.
I need to change that. Convince her I’m not going to leave her. I’m not like everyone else. I’ll stand with her if she’ll have me. But shit. Will she have me? If I push, can I get her to change her mind? Or is it truly too late now. Three weeks might not sound like much, but it’s felt like forever. Did I wait too long?
Thirty-three
Bibiana doesn’t go to work for another few hours. She’s working the closing shift, which I only know because earlier this week she asked if I wanted Luis an extra day when she had to go in. I agreed right away. Obviously. But Jae said she wasn’t home, and I’m not due to pick Luis up until six. That’s still three hours away.
I pace my room as I wait, the minutes ticking by at a snail’s pace when the distinct sounds of my brothers and sister returning greet me. They’re laughing about something and it’s a sound I’m not used to hearing here, in this house. At first, I tense, my body certain that the noise will draw unwanted attention, but then my mind catches up. Raul is gone. We’re safe.
I let myself enjoy my baby sister’s laughter. Listen to the ease and joy she has and take comfort in knowing she never has to worry about being hit again. Not here in her own home.
I want to hear my son’s laughter here too. To have all of the ugly memories I have in this house replaced with new ones. Better ones.
The door to my bedroom opens, my oldest brother leaning in. “What are you doing?” Roberto asks, his tone gruff but not unwelcome. Having him home still feels weird. We were never very close and being overseas the last four years didn’t help us get any closer, but I meant what I said when I told him we were good. I can tell he’s trying. He goes out of his way to check on all three of us, and he’s been great with Luis when I bring him over, really taking on the role of uncle. My hard exterior brother has a soft spot for my boy.
I look down at the football in my hands for a second longer before throwing it in a box. I’ve been wracking my brain all afternoon on how to show Bibiana that I’m different. That I can change. And this is one of the ways I plan to show her I’m ready to put her, put our family first. I know she’s insecure. Has issues with other girls flirting with me and I don’t know how to make that shit stop but, I sigh, I need to get the fuck over myself. This is the right move. I had a back-up plan for a reason and an educational scholarship is just a good as a football one and will take some of the attention off of me.
If I have any chance of winning my girl back, I need to put her and Luis first. They have to be my primary focus. Not football. I need to be sensible. Get a real job. Take care of them. And I can’t do that and chase my dreams at the same time. I’ve had nothing but time to think about this. It has to be this way.
“Just packing up some junk,” I say, tossing my cleats in next.
He considers me for a moment, and I try and ignore the way his stare makes me feel. Like I’m a problem he can’t quite figure out. My brother is good at that, puzzling things together, assessing a situation and then responding in the manner he thinks is necessary. I’d blame it on the military, but a part of me remembers him always being like this. He sees too much that others don’t.
“I never thought I’d hear you say anything football related was junk,” he muses.
“We all have to grow up at some point, right? Isn’t that why you came back home?” I don’t need to look at him to know my words hit their mark.
“Do you love her?”
I take a deep breath and ignore the need to snap at him. Isn’t it obvious? If I didn’t love her, I wouldn’t be this much of a fucking wreck. I wouldn’t be packing up all my shit. Closing the door on all the things that matter most to me. And I sure as hell wouldn’t be taking Jae’s goddamn advice. “Yeah, man. I do.”
“Do you love her more than you love being angry with her?”
“What the hell does that mean?” I’m not angry with her. Not anymore. I mean, I was, sure. But I get it now. I understand her damage, or at least I think I do.
“It’s a yes or no question,” he says.
“I’m not angry,” I say with a huff.
He shakes his head. “Yeah, bro, you are. You’ve been angry for a few weeks now and all I see is you getting angrier by the day.”
“Nah, man. You don’t know—“
He raises a hand and starts ticking off the reasons he believes I’m angry. “You’re mad she isn’t giving you a chance. You’re mad she’s made opinions about you that you don’t think are true. You’re mad she’s got your boy most of the time while you get visitation. You’re mad—“
My blood boils over. “I’m not fucking mad.” He raises a brow and I exhale a harsh breath. “I don’t enjoy being angry with her. I don’t want to be pissed off at the girl I care about.” But he’s right, I am. I’m so fucking angry, even as I’m miserable without her. Even as I convince myself that Jae has the right of it, that she’s damaged too and that I have to fight for her because dammit, I want her to fucking fight for me too.
“Do you want to be angry at her for forcing you to sacrifice your dreams, too?”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Yeah, man, it is. If you give up on football, you’re going to resent that girl. You might get her back, but it’ll only be temporary. You’ll sabotage it. Trust me. I know.”
“Then what the hell do you suggest, huh?” How else do I show her that I’m in it for the long haul? I’ve been sitting here for hours and this is the best I’ve come up with. If Roberto is saying it isn’t good enough, then fuck me, because I don’t know what is.
He looks at me like he’s trying to explain psychics to a toddler. I wait.
“Let the anger go. It’s that simple.”
I scowl. “I did. I am. I—“
“The past doesn’t matter. The fact you didn’t know about Luis for however many months, does not matter.” I open my mouth to argue. We’ve moved past that, but he doesn’t give me the chance. “The fact that she got upset and broke things off with you doesn’t matter.” I bite down on the inside of my cheek until I taste blood. “All that matters is whether or not you want to be with that girl bad enough to work for it.” He watches me for a beat. “Whether or not you want to put in the work to raise your son as a unit and not a broken family.”
I clench my jaw and look away. “You already know I do. I’m going to figure this out. I’m going to talk to her. Or try to. I don’t want my kid growing up in a broken home like we did.”
He nods and waits until I meet his gaze again. “Then you gotta let the anger go. You’re hurt. I get it. But your hurt is making you angry and that shit will turn to bitterness in a heartbeat. You can’t fix what’s broken with you two if you’re still broken on your own. Trust me, I would know.” I almost ask how but can tell by the look on his face that whatever it is he’s angry about, it isn’t something he’s ready to talk about.
“You want to go storm over there and win back your girl, I see it in your face but that isn’t your best move right now.”
“Then what is?”
“I cleaned out Dad’s room and moved my stuff in there so my old room next to yours is empty now,” he says, seemingly out of nowhere.
I frown. “Uh. Okay. Cool.” I have no idea why he’s telling me this. What does that have anything to do with what we were jus
t talking about? Is he worried I’ll give a fuck that he’s claiming the bigger room? Not like I plan—my brother smacks me upside the head and scowls at me.
“What the hell, man?”
His scowl only darkens, and the soldier in him is definitely showing. He’s standing stiff and straight with menace radiating from his pores. “Do you know why I spent all day yesterday clearing my stuff out of that room?” he hisses.
I rub at the back of my head, irritation at the forefront of my mind. “Because you’re a selfish prick and wanted the master with a bigger closet and your own bathroom?”
He smirks. “That too. But hermanito, I cleaned out the room because Luis needs a bedroom, doesn’t he?”
I jerk my gaze to him, scrutinizing his face for any sign that this is some sick joke. His face is dead serious.
I swallow hard. “You think he should have a room here, for when I have him?” I hedge, not entirely sure if I’m hearing him correctly. I mean, I only have him two, sometimes three days a week, and he usually sleeps with me in my room until Bibiana gets off her shift.
“No, stupid.” Roberto huffs out a breath and levels me with a look that says you’re a complete moron. “I think you should go get your girl and my nephew and move them both in here.”
Emotion clogs my throat. His plan sounds way better than mine which consisted of some begging and most likely some yelling that she needed to, no, had to give me another shot. I mean, I was going to say it a hell of a lot better than that, but that was the gist of it. You’re broken. I’m broken. I won’t ever leave you. Let’s be broken together. Okay. When I repeat it to myself in my head it sounds stupid as hell but this—
I’m not sure what to say, so I state the obvious in case Roberto is late on the pickup. “We, uh. We’re not together. Luis’s mom and me, I mean. She wants to co-parent. She doesn’t want a romantic relationship.” With me, at least. So what does moving her in accomplish, aside from getting to see my son every day which I am completely down for but…
He shrugs his shoulders. “She’s family now. She shouldn’t be living with some other guy who wants to play house with your kid when she can be here. When your son can be raised by both his parents. Together. Whatever your relationship status is, that’s between you two. But I for one think my nephew and his mom should be surrounded by family. Don’t you?”
I scrub my hand over my face, almost afraid to let the excitement rush in because yeah, they should be here. And put like that, there’s no pressure. She doesn’t have to be in a relationship with me to move in. We can be roommates. Yeah. She might go for that idea, right? And then maybe with time, she can see that I’m not such a fuck up. That I can be someone she can depend on.
Roberto steps further into the room and pulls the football out of the box, handing it back to me. “You don’t have to give up on your dreams because you’re a father,” he tells me. “If anything, you have to fight harder for them now more than ever. Show Luis what hard work and determination gets you. And if you want to win back your girl”—he pauses—“then let go of all your pent-up anger and show her you at your best. The Emilio who fights for every yard, who smiles through his pain, and who gets up every fucking day and keeps going no matter how hard shit gets. That girl is looking for someone to weather the storm with her, be that person.”
I suck on my bottom lip and shake my head. “But—"
“We’re family,” he says again. “We look out for each other. I know I fucked up when I left you and Antonio. Left Sofia. I should have stayed. Made sure you were all safe.” He looks away, shame coloring his features. “I can’t change our past. But I can change our futures. I can be here now, the way you need me.”
I scrub my hand over my face and blink back the moisture in my eyes. “I don’t blame you for escaping this hellhole,” I tell him. We all do what we have to do to survive.
He considers me a moment, almost like he’s weighing my words before he nods his head. “Appreciate it. But I still fucked up and I’ll own that.” He sighs. “I know you were going to go to the dorms after graduation, live on campus but this is your home. For however long you want to be here. For you, Bibiana, Luis. Family takes care of family. Alright?”
I nod. “Thanks, man.”
“Don’t thank me. Get off your ass and go get my nephew.”
I look at the clock. It’s only an hour before I’m supposed to pick up Luis. Fuck it. I’ll take my chances and just hope Bibiana is home. This can’t wait a minute longer.
Thirty-four
Knocking on the door and waiting for her to answer has to be one of the most nerve-wracking experiences of my life. I’ve gone over what to say again and again in my head but when Bibiana opens the door, Luis propped on her hip and fast asleep, all of my carefully planned words escape me. God, she’s so fucking beautiful. Her hair is thrown up in a tangle of curls. Dark smudges darken the skin beneath her eyes. She doesn’t look to be wearing an ounce of makeup and still, I’ve never seen her look more beautiful.
“Hey,” she says after a full minute passes of me just standing there, drinking her in. “You’re here early.” She tucks a few flyaway strands of hair behind her ear.
I look down at my sneakers, shoving my hands deep into my pockets to keep from reaching for her. A move I know she would not appreciate right now. “I was hoping we could talk.”
Her mouth tightens. “I’m supposed to be getting ready for work.”
“I can hold him while you do that. Please. I don’t want to fight or anything. Just give me five minutes.”
She bites her bottom lip but nods, opening the door wider and allowing me to step inside.
I catch sight of Jae in the living room and when he spots me his eyes widen, but he tilts his head in approval, stands up, and heads toward us. “I’m going to grab a coffee,” he tells Bibiana. “Want anything?”
“Anything caffeinated,” she says, and I know it’s meant to be a joke, but hearing her request only confirms she’s not getting enough rest. Between school, work, and Luis, she’s running herself ragged.
“You’ve got it.” He slips outside, leaving us alone in his house as Bibiana leads me down a hallway that I’m assuming goes to her room. Once inside she hands Luis to me, careful not to wake him before retrieving a makeup bag from her dresser and signaling me to follow her to another room. We make our way to the hallway bathroom where she drops her makeup on the counter and starts pulling out a series of products. I lean against the wall, content to hold Luis and watch as she gets ready. This feels oddly domestic. I like it. The ease and simplicity of it all.
“What did you want to talk about?” The words are casual, but I can see the stiff set of her shoulders like she’s bracing herself against a coming storm and I don’t want to be that. Something she has to weather.
I meet her bright blue gaze in the mirror and force myself to relax. To set my anger and my feelings aside and say these next words. Take this first step toward the future I want for the three of us.
“I wanted to apologize.”
Her brows furrow, a leery expression on her face. “Okay.” She doesn’t sound convinced.
“I let chicks flirt with me, knowing it would upset you. I contributed to your insecurities and that shit isn’t okay.”
Her mouth makes a small “o” before she recovers and clears her throat. “Where is this coming from?”
I take a deep breath. “I was also hoping you’d consider something for me. For Luis.” I hastily add on, because if there is anything I know about Bibiana, it is that she will always put our son first even before her own wants and needs.
She looks at me, her penetrating stare telling me to go on.
“I have an extra room at my place. I…I was hoping you’d move in. With me. Us. I mean. I live with my brothers—Roberto and Antonio. And my little sister Sofia. You’d like them.”
She opens her mouth, but I rush on before she says no without hearing me out completely. I need her to see all the positives before f
ocusing on the negatives.
“You don’t want to give a relationship with me another shot. I understand why and I accept it. That isn’t why I’m asking you to move in.” Lie. It’s a part of it, but not the main reason. Not all of it. Baby steps, I remind myself. “I’m not trying to trick you or any bullshit like that. I just…” I stare down at the top of Luis’s head. If I look at her face, I’ll lose my nerve because the thought of her saying no is soul-crushing. “I want to see my son every day. I want him to have a chance to get to know his uncles and his aunt. I want him surrounded by family where he’ll be loved and cherished to the point he’ll probably hate it as he gets older because we’re going to smother him with so much damn love.”
I pause to take a breath. “I know shit with your mom is strained. You have the world on your shoulders. You have school and Luis and now a job. I don’t know how you’re doing it. But I want to help carry the load. I want to do my part. Watch Luis while you do homework or go out with your friends and help in the mornings when you need to get ready for school because you deserve to graduate. I don’t want you giving up on your dreams when you don’t have to. My brothers and sister want to help too. If you’ll let them. They want to be your family too. Not just Luis’s.”
The silence stretches between us and I’m almost afraid to look up.
“I don’t have any dreams,” she whispers.
I raise my eyes to hers, letting her see the sincerity in my own. “Then I want to stand beside you as you make some.”
“You want me to move in with you?”
I nod. “No strings. We don’t have to be together. You and Luis will have your own space. I just… I want to take care of you. Support you and Luis the way I should have been doing this whole time. That is, if you’ll let me.” Her lower lip trembles. “Shit. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Fuck. Is the thought of seeing me every day that awful?
“You didn’t upset me. You…” She sniffs and wipes her tears with the backs of her hands. “That all sounds really great.”
Savage Devil: A Secret Baby, High School Bully Romance (Devils of Sun Valley High Book 2) Page 22
