by Gemma Rogers
When they looked over the incinerator, I stiffened, trying not to watch as Dan showed them the machine. My heart leapt into my throat when he pulled open the ash collection compartment. I had no idea why; it wasn’t as though Terry was still in there. I hadn’t seen it used yesterday for the stained hospital sheets, because Terry was normally the only one that ever operated it. Perhaps some of him was still in there?
I gagged on my sandwich, putting it back in the wrapper.
‘You’re acting weird today?’ Karla came up behind me as I stood in the yard.
‘No, I’m not. Listen, we need to get those sheets incinerated, get something burning so that he wasn’t the last thing in there.’
She nodded and joined me for a cigarette, but I didn’t bother with general chit-chat. I couldn’t wait to finish mine and get inside.
When I did, Dan invited me to the office, sliding into Terry’s seat as if it had always been his own. The police had gone.
‘Can you help me with something? I’ve found the personnel files, but I’m struggling to access the payroll system.’ He worked the mouse and I stood beside him, watching it zoom around the screen, from programme to programme.
‘I’m sorry, I have no idea how to get into it. This is only my first month. I’ve not even had my first wage slip yet.’ I smiled awkwardly, disappointed I was of no use.
‘Okay, no worries. I tell you, this is a nightmare. Terry’s so unorganised, nothing is where it should be. I set all this up for him when we started Bright’s, he’s no IT whizz. Looks like he’s changed the password to the payroll system. I’ll have to ring them up,’ he vented, shaking his head.
I shifted position and our arms brushed accidentally. I moved back to the other side of the desk, tripping over a pile of ring binders discarded on the floor.
‘See what I mean! You okay?’ Dan stood up to help, but I waved him away.
‘I’m fine.’ Why couldn’t I be cool and aloof? Why was I such an idiot? ‘No news about Terry?’ I asked.
‘Nope, it’s like he’s just upped and disappeared. Kim got a fine through the post from Croydon council, his car was towed from the town centre. She’s hoping they’ll let her pick it up today if she takes the police with her.’ Dan sighed. ‘There’s money missing, the accounts are all over the place. Fuck knows what he’s got himself into.’ He rubbed his forehead and I could see the stress etched on his face.
‘I’m sure he’ll turn up,’ I managed.
‘He better. I’ve got a life to get back to, without clearing up his shit. Sorry, sorry, it’s not for me to moan at you.’ He beamed at me and a strange sensation darted the length of my spine. I was attracted to him; I couldn’t help it, but falling for Terry’s brother was the last thing I needed.
20
Helen called on the way home. She was cagey about her date with Stuart but asked if I could come and sit with Mum tomorrow, offering to leave dinner out for both of us.
‘How about I bring fish and chips, then you don’t have to cook if he’s taking you for dinner.’
‘God knows if it’s dinner, I haven’t had a date in so long I have no idea what the plan is.’ Helen sighed; she didn’t seem overly excited about her upcoming night out. If it was me, I’d have been unable to keep still.
‘At least you have a date! I haven’t had any interest since, well, ever!’
Helen sniggered and I could imagine her tossing her hair back, happy to have one up on me. I rolled my eyes.
‘Well, I better go. Shall I tell Mum you’ll come straight from work?’
‘Yep.’
‘And you will show this time, won’t you?’ I could hear Helen’s reproachful tone.
‘Yes,’ I replied sharply.
‘Good, oh, and a letter came for you today. I think it might be from Ashley.’
I stopped on the pavement at the mention of her name, causing someone to bump into me from behind. I apologised and moved to the kerb.
‘Okay, I’ll get it tomorrow.’
We said a brief goodbye and Helen hung up.
Why was Ashley writing now? Had she heard I’d got out? I bit my lip, excitement bubbling beneath the surface, although I wasn’t sure why. Things would never be the same between us again. They couldn’t be. Too much time had passed, too much had changed.
When I reached home, I heard pop music blaring from Stuart’s lounge and voices carried along the breeze. He must have his family round to visit. My shoulders sagged and I turned and walked back down the path. They’d be noisy for hours; his nephews clattered around and screamed the whole time they were there. I think Stuart played the music to drown them out, but it only added to the problem.
I wandered around, contemplating the library at first, but it would soon be closing. I passed a near-empty coffee shop and sat in there for an hour, my fingers wrapped around a mug of hot chocolate. I had to do something; this was no life for someone of my age. Spending your evening hiding in a coffee shop, not wanting to go back to the one room you called home. I needed to make friends, get out, go for a drink down the pub, go shopping, do normal things, but I was acutely aware I was not a normal twenty-two-year-old.
I’d missed out on so much, everyone I knew had become an adult in that time, learnt how to act, what to say and how to dress whilst I’d been gone. Now I was thrown in the midst of it all and felt totally clueless. I had a second-hand iPhone 5s, at seventeen, before the accident and was an avid user of Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat back then. So much so my mum said it was permanently glued to my hand, but it all seemed pointless now. You needed friends for social media, or at the very least an interesting life to post about and I lacked both.
Karla was not going to be the sort of friend I needed, one who could help me learn to live again. She was more shut down than me. I wasn’t even sure she liked me! We’d done something terrible together, committed a crime, and it would always be the basis of our relationship.
If money were no object I’d go back to school, finish my A-Level English and see if I could get into teaching. That was the dream, something to focus on, although I had no idea how to make it happen. Right now, it seemed insurmountable. I needed to take small steps, build relationships, work hard and climb the ladder. Not at Bright’s, somewhere else, although I knew it would be difficult to get a job with a criminal record.
At around seven when I returned home, Stuart’s nephews were still there, but the music had been replaced by cartoons on the television. I ignored the sound carrying through the wall and laid down on my bed. This weekend I might buy a small television with the money we’d taken from Terry. That was if Stuart could get me connected to his aerial. I’d get some new clothes too and maybe a haircut, make more of an effort. After all, I didn’t know how long Dan was going to be around for.
My alarm went off at seven and I came to. I’d fallen asleep in my clothes, my book discarded further down the bed. I’d stayed up reading with the light on, trying to chase the demons away until I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer.
The morning air was cold, and I turned the heater on. Knowing I was going to see Mum later immediately put me in a good mood despite my bad night and I hummed as I made a cup of tea, stomach growling from the lack of food the night before.
It wasn’t until I was out of the shower and looking around for something to wear, that I spotted the brown envelope, folded in half and shoved through the letterbox. That was why the bedsit was so bloody cold, with the flap up, icy air streamed in. Tutting, I pulled the envelope out and moved back towards the heater. The envelope had no name or address. I turned it over in my hands, easing my finger underneath the lip and prising it away. Inside was an A4 piece of paper, a black and white photo. Because of the strange angle, it took a moment to work out what it was.
The photo was of Terry in his office, looking down from the top right-hand corner. He had a hidden camera somewhere, in the roof maybe. There was a filing cabinet behind Terry’s desk, perhaps it was tucked in there? In the image, I
was kneeling in front of Terry, my head bowed. It wasn’t clear it was me on the ground, but I recognised my T-shirt and the top of my head. I wavered on my feet, head swimming, the notion of being aboard a boat in choppy water. It transported me back there, back to last Friday.
The image was taken less than a minute before Terry forced himself on me, before I lost control and bit down until he screamed. I threw the photo onto the bed and turned away, tears streaming down my face. He had fucking cameras in his office! Everything he’d done to us had been recorded. How had Dan not seen the video? The police had been in, looking at the CCTV, how had it been missed? And who had posted this to me? Had I been followed?
I sank down to the bed, dropping my head in my hands. Until I realised there would be proof to expose him for the monster he was, footage of his assault on Karla. No, I could hear Karla’s voice now. It would give us motive.
I rushed to get dressed, folding the paper into a small square and putting it in my bag. My hair was still wet, but I didn’t wait to dry it, I plaited it quickly and let the end drip. It would only be my coat that got damp. Mum’s voice echoed in my ears about going out with wet hair. I couldn’t wait to fold myself into her arms tonight. How I wished she could protect me.
I stared at everyone I passed as I hurried to work, eyes connecting. Was it you? Did you post a photo through my door? My skin crawled as though I was covered in ants. Why that photo, it could have been anyone in front of Terry? How had they known it was me and how did they know where I lived? My mind spun with questions until I was dizzy. I texted Karla as I walked.
We need to talk, meet me asap
She would know what to do.
I marched along, not bothering to wait for the bus, my calves aching.
An older-style black BMW pulled up beside me, crawling along the kerb. I ignored it, feeling my heart start to race. I picked up my stride, staring straight ahead until the window wound down and Barry called out from behind the wheel.
‘Get in.’
21
I didn’t have a choice, I told myself as I strapped into the passenger seat, willing my heart to return to a normal rhythm.
Barry flicked a switch on the dashboard. ‘Heated seats. You must be bloody freezing.’ He pulled away into the traffic, driving further up the road until it came to a halt, queuing at the lights ahead.
‘Nice car,’ I indulged him, making conversation would speed up the journey.
‘Yep, BMW 3 series Sport. She’s my pride and joy, still gorgeous at ten years old. So, what’s up, chickadee?’ Barry sounded cheerful and I narrowed my eyes. Did he suspect something? Had he put the photo through my letterbox? My skin began to itch.
‘Nothing. Are you going to Bright’s?’
‘Yep, thought I’d give Terry a couple of days before I came back for my visit with you lovely ladies. He shown up yet?’
I shook my head.
Barry frowned and we jolted forward slightly in the car as though he’d had a lapse in concentration and his foot slipped off the pedal. ‘Really?’
‘He’s not come back. Dan, his brother, has been looking after things.’
‘Shit,’ Barry said, his face crumpled like he was in pain.
‘What is it?’ I asked, innocently, my panic slowly subsiding. It wasn’t him who’d posted the picture to me.
‘Nothing, he owes me money, that’s all.’ He waved it away, like he regretted saying too much.
My mind flashed to the jiffy bag at home with two and a half grand inside, I’d barely touched it. I felt little guilt about taking it. It was what Terry owed Karla and I, for what he’d done to us. I just wished I could share it with the others.
‘I think he owed a lot of people money,’ I said without thinking.
Barry stared at me, a smile creeping onto his face. Gone was the easy manner, he looked shifty and I no longer wanted to be alone with him. ‘I bet you see a lot of things, eh, Jess?’
I didn’t answer, instead stared out of the window, soaking up the warmth of my seat, until we reached Bright’s.
Barry liked to park around the back, even though he had no keys to open the shutters. As we walked around to the front, him talking about how he was looking at getting out of the probation gig, Karla met us on the pavement.
‘Wow, you’re an early bird too then. You girls are so keen,’ he said, the sarcasm in his voice obvious.
Karla rolled her eyes and keyed in the code.
Dan was already inside, sat at Terry’s desk, squinting at the monitor. For one awful second, my stomach sank. Was he looking at footage from the office? Me on my knees, meeting Terry’s demands?
As we passed, he smiled and waved, but my eyes darted, searching the office, trying to find where the camera might have been positioned. The top of the filing cabinet in amongst the reams of paper was my best guess. I needed to get in and search. If the camera was still there, I had to destroy it before the police found it, if they hadn’t already. Although whoever was sending me photos, I imagined, had a whole lot of images to choose from now.
Barry knocked on the door and popped in to have a chat with Dan.
I steered Karla straight towards the lockers by the elbow.
‘What’s with you? What’s the emergency?’
I dug in my bag and drew out the paper, watching her unfold it, then reposition it, trying to work out which way up it should be.
‘Is this you?’
‘Yes. It was Friday.’
‘Where did you get it?’
Before I could reply, Agnes joined us at the lockers, deep in conversation with Hanna. Karla folded the paper, the photo now out of view, but I beckoned her into the ladies’, where we could talk in private, after checking all the stalls were empty.
‘It was put through my door by someone. If there’s CCTV in there, why haven’t the police or Terry’s brother spoken to us?’
‘It can’t be connected to the CCTV. Maybe it’s Terry’s, you know what a sick fuck he was. Probably liked to make home movies.’
I gagged, my stomach empty. ‘Someone has video or images of us; of me, of you, all of us. Him doing stuff to us.’
‘It isn’t what Terry did to us I’m concerned about, it’s what we did to him!’ Karla rubbed the back of her neck, eyes staring upwards towards the ceiling as though seeking divine intervention.
‘Shit,’ I said, only just realising someone must know what we’d done. Not only that, they may have proof.
I paced the floor, fingers interlocked behind my head. Panic stirring within me like a tornado.
‘I knew we should have called the police.’
Karla groaned at my words.
‘If we had, there would be evidence I didn’t hurt him. Evidence that would have cleared me. Now, either way, we’re fucked,’ I snapped, close to losing it. Why had I listened to her?
Karla pulled open the door of the toilets and made to leave.
‘Where are you going?’
‘I can’t be arsed listening to this. You needed my help, remember?’
She slammed the door in my face, and I deflated like a popped balloon. I wasn’t being fair, but the idea of going back to prison terrified me.
When I emerged, I was collared by Barry as the first on his list. Dan was no longer in Terry’s office and we sat there for our meeting. I found it hard to concentrate, my eyes wandering to the filing cabinet, but I couldn’t see anything up there.
‘So, everything okay this week? Been staying out of trouble?’ Barry asked and I nodded. ‘Seen any of your old friends? Are you getting out, socialising again?’
I shrugged. ‘Not really, but I’m back in touch with my mum and sister.’
‘Okay, well it’s good to start afresh, but you need to have a good support network. It’s hard to fit back into society without help.’
I almost sniggered at the sincerity in Barry’s voice. He’d sold us out to that monster, I was sure of it. How could he not have known what Terry was up to? Had Barry seen the tapes? P
erhaps Karla was right, and they were for Terry’s own private collection. He could have shared them with anybody. I bit down on my lip until it hurt, the thought was too awful to bear.
‘Well, you’ve almost done your first month here. You’ll be getting paid at the end of this week. Otherwise, you okay for money? Your sister got you a place, didn’t she? Things still okay there?’ Was he toying with me? Had he been the one to put the photo through my door? Or was there another reason he was nearby this morning?
‘Yes. Everything’s fine,’ I said, just wanting the meeting to end.
‘You don’t give a lot away, do you, Jess? Not the most talkative of my girls.’ His eyes twinkled and I wrinkled my nose. He talked about us like we were his harem. ‘Righty-ho, you crack on then. I’m going to nip to the men’s. Can you send Hanna in?’ Barry looked down at my file and scribbled some notes on the sheet, satisfied with our catch-up, before heading out of the door.
I made to follow him, taking a few steps out of the office and watched him go into the toilet. Dashing back, I reached up and felt along the top of the cabinet, fingers sliding over layers of grime, but nothing was stuck in between the files and paper. To be sure, I pulled over Terry’s chair and climbed up on it. Dust swirled in the air and I sneezed. There was nothing in the corner or on top or on any of the shelves which looked remotely like a camera. Sighing, I climbed down. Whatever was there had gone. An empty feeling in the pit of my stomach reminded me that although the camera had been removed, someone had it, and on it was not only Terry’s crimes, but mine as well.
22
