by Gemma Rogers
‘You’re up,’ I said to Hanna back in the warehouse, finding her midway through loading a washing machine.
She nodded and I replaced her, thrusting the stale towels into the drum. I watched Dan move around the warehouse, clipboard in hand. He looked to be taking stock of all the equipment on site. Overly smart in a white shirt with black suit trousers, he looked out of place, overdressed for Bright’s.
Catching my eye, he smiled and made his way over, pulling his phone from his pocket. I tried my hardest not to blush, but when he got close, he smelt good enough to eat.
‘Hey, how are you doing today? Got the bus all right?’ he joked.
‘I walked today, but I was on time.’ I smiled tightly. Was that a dig or a joke?
‘You’re a local, aren’t you?’
‘Of sorts. What do you want to know?’
‘Well, it looks as though I may be staying longer than anticipated. I’ve got a couple of places to look at and it’s been so long since I’ve lived round here, I’m not sure where to avoid.’
‘I thought you’d only been in Scotland for six months?’ I asked, trying to hide my delight he wouldn’t be leaving just yet.
‘I was, but before that I was down the south coast and then the Midlands. Sometimes quite remote places.’
‘Oh well, sure, where are you looking?’
He peered at his phone, swiping the screen. ‘Um, there’s places to rent in Wallington, Sutton or here in Croydon.’
‘Wallington is nice, but it all depends where.’
He handed me his phone, too large for my small hand, and I was paranoid I’d drop it. The Wallington flat looked nice, but the Sutton one was a maisonette with access to a back garden. I recognised the road when I clicked on the map.
Dan moved to my side, our arms almost touching.
‘This is in a nice area, lots of big houses around there. That must be what they’ve done, split it into two maisonettes maybe.’
Dan smiled at me and I squirmed, handing him the phone back. ‘What are you up to after work? Are you busy because you could come with me? I could do with a second opinion.’
‘I… I… can’t. I’m sorry. I’ve got to look after my mum.’ Automatically I took a step back, heart in my mouth.
‘All right, sure, of course. No worries. Thanks for the location advice.’ Dan turned and walked away as I gritted my teeth. I’d embarrassed him and myself.
‘Another time?’ I called after him, fearing I’d missed my chance but he didn’t hear and carried on walking. Why was I such a moron?
Karla avoided me for the rest of the day. I knew I’d pissed her off and she didn’t want to be around me. I couldn’t blame her; I’d spoken without thinking. Without her help, I’d already be back in Bronzefield. As I sat on the bus on the way home, I sent her a text to let her know I’d found nothing in Terry’s office. She replied with a solitary ‘okay’.
I remembered the photo in my pocket and shifted in my seat. I hated being watched and it looked as though someone had all of us under surveillance. Whoever was behind it was letting us be abused and blackmailed. Watching us for their own perverse pleasure. It made my toes curl. What did they want? It was a message, I wanted to take comfort that, from the still image, you couldn’t tell it was me, but whoever sent it knew it was. Not only that, they knew where I lived.
With my joints aching, I got off near home and waited for the second bus to take me to Mum’s. I couldn’t be arsed to walk. It stopped just outside Plaices and I queued up to get two small cod and chips. My stomach gurgled at the smell of the grease and vinegar ingrained in the walls.
The red front door was looking good when I arrived – I hadn’t done a bad job. No one had been back to paint any slurs and I was relieved it seemed to be a one-off. I hated to think of my family as a target, especially when they’d done nothing wrong.
Helen was in the kitchen making tea when I entered the hall, freshly out of the shower and with a towel upon her head. I’d let myself in with my key, shouting hello as I crossed the threshold.
‘I’m in here,’ she called.
‘Want some chips? There’ll be loads,’ I offered, pulling two plates out of the cupboard. It was just six o’clock, the cuckoo from the sitting room announced.
‘No thanks, I’ve got to go and get ready.’
I nodded. ‘No one’s been back then, to do the door again?’
‘No, but there’s been phone calls, all hours, silent ones. We had them before. I’ve unplugged the bloody thing now. We’ve all got mobiles. It can stay like that for a few days until they get bored.’
I sighed. ‘Helen, I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to bring any of this to your door.’
‘Well, it is what it is. They know you’re out and they want to cause problems. It won’t go on forever.’ Helen sounded unnaturally calm, but I didn’t know exactly what they’d endured last time. I just didn’t want it to escalate. ‘Anyway, we’re moving on aren’t we, starting afresh?’
I raised my eyebrows at Helen’s words.
‘Sure,’ I replied, knowing that it would be difficult to close the gap between us, but I’d be willing to give it a try if she would.
‘Oh, here’s your letter, think it’s from Ashley, looks like her handwriting.’ Helen passed me the envelope, which had been wedged behind the biscuit tin. It looked almost identical to the one I received inside.
‘Cheers,’ I replied, folding it in half and tucking it in my jean pocket.
I put a dollop of ketchup on each plate and grabbed some cutlery before taking the plates in to Mum. She was sat in her green armchair watching a game show on Channel Four.
‘Dinner is served.’ I put a plate on Mum’s lap, a cushion beneath.
‘Thanks, love. How’s your week been?’
‘Yeah okay, the boss’s brother has been in and he’s really nice.’
Mum raised her eyebrows at me, a smile playing on her lips. I didn’t tell her Terry had gone missing, not wanting to open a field of questions.
‘And how’s your probation officer?’
‘They don’t call them that, Mum, it’s community rehabilitation officer now, but his name is Barry and he’s just about bearable.’
Mum’s hand shook, and I took her fork and impaled a piece of cod on it for her.
‘Well, as long as you stay out of trouble, you’ll have nothing to worry about.’
I rolled my eyes, handing the fork back.
We chatted about her week, she’d managed to get up and about a bit, but it had left her drained. The stroke had a massive impact; before, she was fit and mobile, now she was weak, her body unstable. I had no idea what that had done to her mentally, having to rely on the help of others when she was fiercely independent before. Her physiotherapist wanted to work on muscle mass, but Mum had neither the patience nor inclination to be wading through a pool every week. She was a force to be reckoned with and didn’t always know what was best for her.
Helen came down to leave at seven, wearing a figure-hugging dress with black tights. She was all glammed up, hair straightened and a full face of make-up. I’d never seen her so attractive.
‘You look lovely,’ Mum said as she came in to say goodbye.
‘Gorgeous,’ I added and she beamed at me. ‘Have a great time.’ Stuart wouldn’t know what had hit him.
I’d already decided to wait until Helen came home before I left so Mum wouldn’t be on her own at all. I washed up and made tea, then we sat and watched a game show, followed by an ITV drama. Come ten o’clock, Mum was yawning, so I helped her upstairs to use the bathroom and tuck her into bed.
‘Love you, Mum. I’ll be downstairs until Helen gets back, so shout if you need anything.’
I slipped away, heading out to the back garden to have a smoke and open Ashley’s letter. It had been niggling away at me since Helen handed it over, but I wanted to read it alone.
Hey you,
I hear you’re out. Can’t find you on Facebook and your old number doe
sn’t work?
Can’t wait to see you. Are you free this weekend? I could come and visit?
Call me on 07787 547231.
Miss you,
Ash x
I read it four times, my heart swelling with each word. I really wanted to see her, but inside I was terrified. It had been over four years and we’d both changed and moved on. Our lives couldn’t be more different. Seeing Ashley would reinforce all the things I’d missed out on. I knew it would, in part, be painful but I wanted to get back in touch as soon as I could muster the courage.
Helen crept back in around eleven. I woke to find her drawing a blanket over me on the sofa. I made to get up.
‘No, no, it’s late, stay. I’ll get you up for work tomorrow,’ she whispered.
Her eyes twinkled in the glow of the lamp. She must have had a good evening with Stuart as she hadn’t been that nice to me for years. Yawning, I laid back, listening to the sound of Helen’s footsteps padding up the stairs.
I lay awake thinking about the black and white photo and what it meant. Someone knew what had happened to Terry and I lived in constant fear the police would knock on the door. He’d never be able to hurt any of us again, but it didn’t stop me seeing his clammy face every time I closed my eyes. I needed a distraction, something to take my mind off that monster and his abuse of power.
Life was for living and if I didn’t put myself out there, nothing would change. I’d still be living in a bedsit with no friends and a dead-end job in a year’s time. I couldn’t let that happen. Perhaps tomorrow I’d be brave and ring Ashley and we’d make plans to meet. I’d apologise to Karla and see if Dan had any more viewings I could tag along to. I’d been away for four years, I couldn’t live in the shadows any longer, no matter what I’d done.
23
Helen woke me in the morning around half seven. I had a crick in my neck from being wedged onto the two-seater sofa for the night. Sitting up, I rubbed the pain away, blinking sleep from my eyes.
‘Bedhead!’ Helen snorted as she helped Mum shuffle into her chair.
‘Shut up,’ I groaned, trying to flatten my double crown.
‘Sleep well, love? It’s nice to have you here this morning.’
I smiled at Mum, not wanting to tell her the sofa had been uncomfortable. It was nice Helen hadn’t kicked me out when she got home.
‘Did you have a good night with Stuart?’ I asked as Helen returned with mugs of tea. There was a spring in her step, and it amazed me she would find him attractive. He did nothing for me.
‘It was nice actually. I’m going around there for a curry on Friday.’
I raised my eyebrows, second date already. Perhaps she could move into the damp bedsit and I could have my old room back? I sniggered inwardly, imagining her face at the suggestion.
‘Do you mind if I have a quick shower? Oh, and you don’t have a pair of knickers and a T-shirt I can borrow, do you?’ Wanting to capitalise on her good mood.
‘Yes,’ Helen rolled her eyes, ‘although I already have a T-shirt missing. I can’t imagine where that’s gone?’ She stared pointedly at me and I averted my eyes.
‘Thanks,’ I said before racing up the stairs. I didn’t have long before I’d have to be outside to catch the bus. The last time I’d slept over, I’d been late, and I wanted to maintain the good impression I’d made with Dan.
Helen left me out some underwear and a faded Rolling Stones T-shirt. I threw them on before heading downstairs.
‘It doesn’t fit me any more so you might as well keep it and bloody eat something, you’re wasting away.’
‘No time.’ I gave Mum a kiss on the cheek and caught Helen as I went past, my lips brushing the top of her head before she pushed me away.
‘Piss off,’ she chuckled. Perhaps all Helen needed was a bit of romance to thaw her icy demeanour?
Drizzle descended as I headed outside and I was glad I’d pulled my hair into a bun, knowing it would frizz in the damp conditions. Hopping from one foot to the other, I waited at the bus stop, all the time trying to ignore the gaze of a man in his fifties. I could tell he was desperate to chat, but it was too early for me and I couldn’t face it, especially not on an empty stomach. If I got to work early enough, I might have time to get a pastry from the café.
It seemed it was my lucky day as the 151 bus rumbled around the corner and into view. I smiled as I let the man have my seat, he appeared unsteady on his feet, and I moved further down the bus to avoid his stare. The clouds had cleared by the time I had to get off and walk the rest of the way, eventually reaching the café at quarter to nine.
‘You caught me,’ came a voice from behind. Hot breath hit my neck, sending a bolt down to my heels.
I spun around, Dan stood behind me in the queue, a boyish grin on his face. I stuttered a greeting, but the old bat behind the counter practically shouted, ‘Next customer,’ and I put my order of an almond croissant in.
‘Make that two, and two cappuccinos to go please,’ Dan said over my shoulder, pulling a twenty-pound note out of his pocket. He stood so close, his chest grazed my back as he leaned over to collect our breakfast.
‘Thanks,’ I said, and we stood out the front, eating our pastries, crumbs covering our clothes.
‘These are nice!’
‘You never had one before?’ I asked.
‘Nope, gotta watch out for the paunch,’ he said, giving his non-existent stomach a tap. What was under his shirt? I imagined washboard abs and my face grew hot.
‘I don’t think you need to worry,’ I said. ‘Have you heard from Terry?’ I continued, hating the false concern in my voice.
‘No nothing, Kim’s coming back in today, she wants to do a tour of the pubs and places she knows he goes to. I think she’s got posters too. I keep ringing him, but it just goes to voicemail.’
‘Has she not given the list of places to the police?’
‘Yes, but she says they’re dragging their heels, they think he’ll turn up. He’s not vulnerable according to them. I think she’ll be banging on their door today too.’
I cringed inwardly. Kim clearly wasn’t going to let Terry’s disappearance lie.
‘I’ve got another viewing tonight, the Sutton one you liked best. The other two were all right, liveable, but I reckon this one will be nicer.’ I waited for him to ask, but he didn’t. Instead we chewed in silence until I was finished, and I lit up a cigarette, prolonging our time together.
Sipping my coffee, throat as dry as sandpaper, I murmured, ‘I’m free tonight, if you want me to come?’ I barely heard it come out over the thud of my heart in my ears.
Dan nodded vigorously, flakes of pastry falling from his fingers as we walked slowly back to Bright’s. ‘Sure, that would be great. It’s not until seven, but I can pick you up if you give me your address.’
‘Where you two off to tonight?’ Karla said, a hint of a sneer on her face as she approached, her timecard already in hand.
‘Flat hunting,’ Dan replied, scrunching up the paper bag and tossing it into the bin.
We all proceeded to go through the door to Bright’s once Dan had punched the code in.
‘You move fast, don’t ya!’ Karla whispered behind me as we followed Dan inside.
‘Catch you later, ladies,’ Dan said, heading straight into the office as we clocked in and moved round to the lockers.
‘I can’t deny, he’s quite fit, but I like mine a bit taller,’ Karla said as she watched him through the office window.
I chuckled, Karla was tiny, about five foot two, similar height to me. She’d look ridiculous with a six-foot bloke.
Karla seemed chirpy this morning and at least I wasn’t getting the silent treatment any longer.
‘I’m sorry about yesterday. I hate always looking over my shoulder and now I think I always will be. Paranoid the police are going to show up any minute and drag me away in handcuffs.’
Karla rolled her eyes. ‘Dramatic.’
‘Yeah well, it was “dramatic�
��, wasn’t it? To say the least and fuck knows what the photo is about.’
‘Dunno, just gotta lay low. It’ll blow over.’ Karla shrugged, seemingly without a care in the world. I didn’t know how, she had just as much to lose as me, with only one month left of parole. She must be able to smell the freedom.
We took our places, according to Dan’s new rota, on washing machine number one. I loved and hated it in equal measure. It was loud and clunky but closest to the shutters where the draught came through. No doubt in the height of summer it would be a prime spot and I’d imagine that’s why the rota was introduced in the first place. Until the machines got going, the warehouse was cold and I shivered in the T-shirt Helen had given me.
All morning, Karla tried to squeeze me for information on Dan, although there wasn’t much to tell that she hadn’t already heard from the other girls. I tried to hide the fact I liked him, but she called me out on my rosy cheeks every time he was mentioned.
Kim came in and her and Dan left for a few hours. She looked bedraggled, growing dark circles under her eyes and her bright blonde mane was tied up, her ponytail hanging limply down her back.
‘Can’t believe he’s related to that pig,’ Karla jeered as she watched them leave.
‘I know. How was Barry with you yesterday?’ I asked.
‘Fine. He’s clueless, but he’s digging. Be careful with him,’ she advised.
‘I know. Terry owes him money,’ I whispered just above the rattling of the drum on spin. Karla nodded, it seemed she already knew.
Before I left, I popped into the office to write down my address, Dan hadn’t been back long. I told him I was the door to the left, 7A but the A kept falling off as Stuart had bought stupid stick-on door numbers. I wasn’t too embarrassed being picked up there as Stuart’s house was an attractive three-bed semi-detached which looked like it had been extended. Although I wasn’t planning to invite him in.
‘Great. See you around half past six, okay?’
I nodded, trying to force down the squeal threatening to burst from my chest.
