by Gemma Rogers
I shuffled in to work, ears ringing and head cloudy like I’d been through a wind tunnel. All this from four vodkas? Assuming they’d been doubles?
‘Hiya,’ Agnes and Laura said almost in unison as they waited behind me to clock in.
‘Morning. Thank God it’s Friday,’ I grumbled.
Dan was in the office, deep in conversation with Barry.
‘What’s he doing here again this week?’ I asked.
Laura shrugged, twisting the stud in her nose. ‘God knows, probably trying to find someone else to pimp us to.’
‘Ain’t that the truth.’ Karla slipped in beside me as we walked around to the lockers.
‘Your stud is pretty,’ I said, turning to Laura.
‘Thanks, my boyfriend gave it to me. Our three-month anniversary.’ Laura smiled and practically skipped away; in my peripheral version, I saw Karla roll her eyes.
‘Did you get my text? I got another photo?’
Karla shook her head and checked her phone like she’d not seen my message.
I tutted as I opened my locker, about to lift my bag inside but froze, dropping it to the floor.
‘What is it?’ Karla asked.
I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. A gold wedding band sat on the base of the locker. I picked it up with my thumb and forefinger, peering at the inscription and clutching my middle like I’d been hit in the gut with a sledgehammer. My legs buckled and I flattened my palms on the locker doors to keep myself upright.
‘What? What is it?’ Karla’s eyes were like slits.
I pushed the ring into her hand, trying to abstain from heaving.
Karla lurched backwards, fearing I was about to be sick all over her. Nothing came and I inhaled deeply, wiping my mouth with my forearm. She eyed the ring, holding it in front of her as though she was Frodo, as it glistened in the overhead fluorescent lights. ‘Kim + Terry’ engraved on the inside of the band.
Karla’s mouth gaped, but as footsteps approached, she dropped the ring into the palm of her hand and closed her fist around it.
‘Morning,’ Hanna said brightly as she busied herself with her locker.
I slipped on my tabard and dumped my bag, closing the locker and striding out of the cramped area into the warehouse.
‘You’re on the press today, hon,’ Agnes called as I slowed by the rota.
‘Cheers.’ My shoulders ached in protest as I knew what was to come. The press machine was tough, feeding the cloth in, arms up most of the time. I didn’t have the energy today. ‘Where the fuck did that come from?’ I hissed to Karla as she fell in step behind me.
‘Someone must know what we did?’ She scanned the area, making sure no one was in earshot.
‘You think? Two photos through my door and now this! Who?’
‘I don’t know.’ Karla’s voice had an edge to it I hadn’t heard before. Fear?
Limbs jittery I walked to the presser. Who was tormenting me?
‘Have you had anything?’ I asked.
Karla shook her head and I chewed the inside of my cheek.
‘Why me?’
‘No fixed address, remember.’ I wasn’t sure how that could be true. Didn’t Barry need to have a permanent address? Wasn’t it part of parole conditions to stop us turning back to a life of crime? I frowned at Karla but she was distracted unloading a trolley, the discovery of the ring seemingly forgotten. I wish I had her ability to compartmentalise. Perhaps throwing myself into the task was the answer.
Thankfully, we had tablecloths instead of sheets to press, which made the job easier due to the amount of fabric involved. Karla and I got to it, barely speaking as we fed the linen over the rolls and watched it go in the machine, ready to catch it as it came out. My mind was working overtime, trying to figure out who had it in for us.
‘Hey.’ Dan stood behind me, his hands on his hips.
‘Hi,’ I replied.
His eyes darted around the warehouse, like they couldn’t settle on my face for too long. Was he nervous? Embarrassed?
I rubbed my ear and the machine halted. Karla had paused it, eyeing the awkward exchange between us as the silence stretched out.
‘I’m going for a piss,’ she exclaimed, striding off.
‘How are you?’ I ventured.
‘Fine. You?’ Dan asked.
I nodded weakly.
‘I’m sorry about last night,’ he said.
‘What for?’ I frowned.
‘You know. I took advantage, and it went too far. You’ve been so nice, and I don’t really know anyone here other than Kim.’ He pushed his hands into his pockets, deep creases in his forehead.
‘I wasn’t the one who wanted to stop,’ I said flatly.
He didn’t respond.
‘You ready?’ Karla was back, her hand hovering over the green button to start the machine.
Dan cleared his throat. ‘I wanted to make sure you’ve been paid as normal. I’ve had issues with the payroll system, but the company tell me it’s done.’
Karla pulled out her smartphone, logging on to her bank to check her account straight away.
I didn’t move but carried on staring at Dan, watching him, watching her. I ached for him and blushed as soon as the revelation hit me, as though everyone might be able to read my mind.
‘Yep. It’s gone in,’ Karla confirmed.
‘Great.’ Dan smiled. ‘Catch you later,’ Dan said to both of us, his gaze resting on me for a second longer than necessary, trying to convey a message I didn’t comprehend. I watched him walk away.
‘Jesus, what’s gone on with you two?’ Karla said as soon as he was gone.
‘Nothing,’ I said truthfully.
27
I hung back when Karla left, hoping Dan would corner me, steal a kiss or even take my number, but he was nowhere to be seen. Like a schoolgirl with a stupid crush, I slunk out of the warehouse last. It was only then I remembered Karla had kept Terry’s ring. Perhaps it was for the best, I’d lose it or leave it somewhere for someone to find accidentally, with my fingerprints all over it. Fingerprints which were in the system. Fuck. I hadn’t considered that. I hoped Karla would keep it safe. She was the smartest of us. It would be fair to say I wasn’t a career criminal and if Karla hadn’t been there to save my skin it’s likely my kiss with Dan wouldn’t have happened at all. I still had flashes of guilt for Terry, but whenever the image of us tipping his body into the incinerator entered my mind, it was quickly replaced by Karla’s face as he pummelled her across his desk.
I got on the bus to go home; partially glad it was Friday but also aware I wouldn’t see Dan until next week. My shoulders sagged at the thought. I’d have to keep busy, otherwise I’d be sulking around all weekend. Helen hadn’t been in touch and I had no idea if her date with Stuart was still on. My mind had been on other things, but I was sure if she needed me to sit with Mum she would have asked. I called anyway, just in case, but as usual it went to voicemail. Helen rarely picked up the phone on the first attempt.
Unlocking my front door, I steeled myself for another brown envelope, but there was nothing on the carpet. I felt lighter as I stepped over the threshold. After the wedding ring in my locker this morning, I’d had about as much as I could take as far as surprises were concerned. Where had it even come from? Was Terry wearing it when he died?
That whole day was such a blur, I couldn’t remember. Someone knew what had happened, but I had no idea what their game was? It was freaking me out though. I’d bitten my nails to the quick and the vodka was disappearing fast. Living on a knife-edge was not much fun. I just had to keep my nose clean for the next five months and the threat of being hauled back to prison for the slightest misdemeanour wouldn’t hang over me. A noose tight around my throat, ready to yank at any time.
I had a quick shower, put on my joggers and microwaved a cottage pie before I settled on my bed. Lighting a cigarette, I read Ashley’s letter laid in my lap, her swirly handwriting was so pretty.
My mouth
filled up with saliva as I dialled the number she had written; the thud of my heartbeat sounding in my ears. She answered almost straight away, and I was momentarily tongue-tied.
‘Hello?’
I opened my mouth, but no words escaped, a wave of sadness washed over me, and my eyes swam with tears.
‘Hello? Jess?’
‘Ash,’ I croaked, wiping the dampness away. I hadn’t expected to be overwhelmed, but her voice was a blast from the past.
‘Oh, Jess, I’m so glad you called. How are you?’ She sounded excited to hear from me, the background noise I initially heard quietened, like she’d stepped out of a busy bar into a corridor or a side street.
‘I’m okay. I’m home, well not home exactly, but close. I’m near there. Working at an industrial laundry. How’s Portsmouth? How’s the degree?’
‘It’s great, hard work, but still good to be… away.’ I forgot that even though I was the one who went to prison, Ashley had to put up with the stares and local gossip. The only one still around from that night, with a lot of unanswered questions after the accident.
‘I’m pleased for you.’ It sounded weak, but I meant it. If anyone deserved to get out it was her.
‘Are you free tomorrow? I can get the train down, take you out for lunch, go shopping?’
‘Sure, I’d love to see you. You’ve got my number now, text me and let me know when you’re arriving, and I’ll meet you at the station.’
‘Okay great, I think there’s a train that arrives around lunchtime. I’ll text you.’
‘Ash, come on Happy Hour is almost over and we need to get some shots,’ a screechy voice interrupted, and the line was muffled for a second.
‘Sorry about that. Can’t wait to see you, Jess. I mean it. It’s been too long.’
We said our goodbyes and the line went dead. Just over four years, that was how long it had been. I’d served four years of my sentence, the judge had been specific, those years to be spent in prison, no early release allowed, followed by another six months of probation. Four years for a life. Even I wasn’t sure it was enough.
I lit another cigarette and poured myself a vodka, hands shaking, Ash’s voice echoing in my ears. Excited and apprehensive in equal measure to see her tomorrow. There were so many things left unsaid. How would we even begin to fill the crevice between us? Or did we accept that was then and move on with our lives? I guessed we could never go back; we couldn’t change what had happened. I’d never reclaim the years I’d lost, but it wasn’t her fault. We were both victims, I just happened to be the one behind the wheel.
I stood outside the train station, loitering on the pavement and chain-smoking, which didn’t help the tension in my chest. I’d been having mild anxiety all morning, my stomach in knots, multiple trips to the bathroom. Even agonised over what to wear, like I was meeting Dan and not my oldest friend who likely wouldn’t care if I turned up in a bin bag.
Ashley had texted me her arrival time of half past eleven; she’d boarded the train just after nine. Would she arrive in a hangover fog?
I paced back and forth, ignoring the pangs of hunger because I hadn’t been able to make myself eat anything.
Suddenly there she was, walking out of the station archway, looking around for me. Her dark waves lifted by the breeze.
I stuck my hand out and waved, watching her face fall for a split second before she caught herself. I knew I looked different, thinner and drawn. An enormous flash of teeth illuminated her face and she threw open her arms, rushing towards me.
We collided together and I buried my face in her zebra-print fur coat, fearing I would cry, but when I pulled away, Ashley was the one who’d crumpled. She sobbed so hard; her body heaved. I squeezed her tightly and it was just like before, me looking after her.
‘Sorry,’ she sniffed, dabbing her eyes with an old tissue pulled from her bag.
‘It’s okay. You look great.’ Ashley wore dangly earrings and rolled-up jeans with Doc Martens. The epitome of cool to my scruffy attire. Was that what all university students wore? At least Ashley would be perfect to help me with a new wardrobe.
‘So do you,’ she said automatically, but I knew she was being polite.
‘I look anything but great,’ I replied with a snigger.
‘Okay,’ she conceded, ‘you do look like you could do with a good meal, you’re so skinny!’ Ashley linked her arm through mine as we walked towards the high street and, for a second, the years between us melted away.
28
The next few hours were a whirlwind. I learnt Ashley’s new passion was fashion and she took me under her wing, dragging me in every shop and providing me with clothes to try on. Her face lit up when something looked good; she was in her element and I was happy to go along with it. Although we were both aware of the elephant in the room. I kept catching Ashley stare at me when she thought I wasn’t looking, like she wasn’t sure I was real.
Shopping was a success and we were both shattered. I’d spent over two hundred pounds on skinny jeans, tops, trainers, a coat and a dress which made me look as though I had some curves. Maybe I’d make Dan’s eyes pop with it someday. Laden with bags, we flopped into a booth in the nearest café, hoping for a cheese toastie and a cuppa, a very late lunch.
‘I thought students were supposed to be skint?’ I said, nodding towards the shopping underneath the table.
‘I have two jobs, you know, nannying at the weekends, but thankfully they are away this week, hence why I was out last night.’
‘And the other one?’
‘Waitressing three evenings a week at the local Italian.’
‘Where do you find the time to study?’
Ashley let out a long sigh as she perused the menu. ‘When I’m supposed to be sleeping. I need a heavy-duty concealer!’
After deciding what to eat, I put our order in at the till, grateful Ashley hadn’t questioned why I had over three hundred pounds in cash in my purse, until she’d helped me spend it.
It was lovely to be back together, but all the time we were shopping, it was there lingering between us, words left unsaid. I wanted to clear the air.
‘Thanks for writing to me – inside, I mean. I’m sorry I didn’t want you to visit,’ I said. My words came out in a rush as I delivered the mugs of tea from the counter.
‘It’s okay, I understand. I couldn’t wait to get out of here afterwards. The accident was all anyone talked about.’ Ashley’s mouth twitched, something I’d forgotten she did when she was uncomfortable. She looked down at her mug, eyes damp. The mere mention of such a painful time brought back strong emotions for us both. If I knew Ashley, she would have buried it deep inside, pretended it never happened. I bet she hated being the topic of speculation, knowing it would have gone on for months. No wonder Helen had felt harassed, Ashley would have been too. ‘Everyone wanted to know what happened. I hated lying about it,’ she whispered, her eyes darting around the café to see who was listening as she wiped them with her sleeve.
‘Why did you lie?’ I leaned forward. It was a question I’d never asked, assuming I knew the truth, that in some way her lying about the accident sold me out. I’d accepted it, the fact was I’d killed someone, no matter what went before it.
‘Protecting Eddie’s memory, I guess. Perhaps if I’d told the truth, things might have been different.’ Ashley gazed down at her mug again, sniffing, and I placed my hand over hers, unsure what to say, because she might have been right, and I didn’t want to think about that. ‘I’m so sorry, Jess.’
‘It doesn’t matter now. I wanted you to get out of here and go to university with a clear conscience.’
Ashley coughed, swallowing a mouthful of tea. ‘I never had that.’
‘Sorry, that came out wrong. I meant, I didn’t want you ruining your opportunity by staying behind. I didn’t want to drag you down with me.’
Ashley weaved her fingers through mine and squeezed, ignoring the look from the waitress delivering our cheese toasties. She looked de
vastated and I remembered that she’d carried so much, would have felt so guilty that she’d been handed her own self-imposed sentence too. I knew Ashley; she was kind, it would have been a blow when I asked her not to write, but I didn’t do it out of malice. I knew it would be easier for us both to move on. We couldn’t change what happened, however much we wanted to.
I leaned back in my seat, and sighed, blinking back tears that were threatening to spill. I knew if I started crying, I probably wouldn’t stop. I picked up my sandwich and took a bite, leaking hot cheese back onto the plate.
‘How often do you go back to see your mum and dad?’ I asked, knowing Ashley’s relationship with her parents deteriorated after the accident. They blamed me, which was always going to happen. I was the wrong crowd, the dodgy friend. Ashley was practically middle class; everyone knew she hung out with us on the estate because she fancied a bit of rough. She certainly got it with Eddie Watts. He was more than she ever bargained for.
‘They moved once I left, they’re in Chichester now, so I see them around once a month or so. My nan and grandad are still around here.’ Ashley took a bite of her sandwich, the cheese stretching out.
I was almost halfway through mine, my appetite from earlier rushing back.
‘So any guy… or girl action I should know about?’ Ashley winked and I almost choked on the bread as I swallowed.
‘Guy, and no. Honestly, Ash, I’m still as clueless as I was before.’ Remembering hours spent moaning about my lack of experience when she stayed over. She had been more worldly back then, spilling the beans on how it all worked and what Eddie and she got up to. Boys gravitated to her vivacious personality and she was never short of offers, but I kept myself to myself, too shy to get involved.
‘There’s plenty of time, no need to rush into anything you’ll regret.’ Wise words as ever, combined with a stab of jealousy that I knew was going to raise its head eventually. I forced it away.
