by Gemma Rogers
I was intimidated by them, her cool, university friends. They seemed so elite, confident, and my social anxiety peaked. I tried to fade into the background, but Ashley stuck close to me as we made our way to the party, holding my hand for support.
On arrival at the large double-fronted house, I’d been cornered by Harry in the kitchen as he was fixing me a drink. He waffled on about being on the debating team and how he loved a woman with opinions, trying to draw out what I thought about cannabis being legalised.
Ashley rescued me promptly, chiding Harry for trying to keep me all to himself. Every space was occupied – the house belonged to a lad called Paul, whose parents were on holiday in Antigua, so it was customary for a party to be held. It had more rooms than I’d ever seen and twice I almost got lost trying to find a bathroom. I bumped into Paul on the way back through a room with floor-to ceiling shelves full of books. We chatted for a while about our favourite novels, one subject I was at ease talking about.
Alcohol flowed and I drank more than I ever had before, happy for my head to loll on my shoulders. I floated around the house, trying to be more sociable, buoyed by Prosecco and grateful to be anywhere else but at home. Happily distracted from my worries of Karla and Leon. I enjoyed play-acting as someone else as the night wore on, even flirting a little with Harry whom I had no interest in.
Ashley had been lost in the conservatory, snogging Philip, who, I saw instantly when he’d arrived, she had a thing for. The glint in her eyes was unmistakable; she always found it difficult to hide how she felt. I remembered her looking at Eddie the same way, right up until he died.
My thoughts turned back to that night, the alcohol dulling my normal ability to bury the memory. It had been raining, not too hard, but the windscreen wipers of my car needed replacing, so they smeared the rain back and forth. The sun had set, and I was home having my dinner when Ashley text me, asking if I could give her and Eddie a lift to Mitcham at around eight. It wasn’t far and she hadn’t learned to drive yet. I was only too happy to go for a drive. I’d had my licence for three months and my mum had helped me buy a beaten-up Vauxhall Corsa, so I’d have my independence.
Eddie was older than us, around twenty-three, but I never felt comfortable around him. He had a reputation on the estate, a vicious temper, but Ashley defended him, telling me he was sweet to her, most of the time at least. That night, Eddie had a flat tyre, but he had to pay his dealer and Ashley offered my services. My car stank of marijuana when we got going; they were smoking a joint when I picked them up and brought it with them. Eddie was already in a mood about his car and Ashley accidentally burnt a hole in his jacket as they smoked in the back seat.
That’s when the fight started; he smacked her around the head, not hard, but she said she’d had enough. He wasn’t to hit her any more or she was going to dump him. I’d never seen him hit her before, but I had spotted bruises; she always brushed me off when I approached her about Eddie. I should have pushed her to talk about it, made her see that it wasn’t right. No man should ever hit a woman, for any reason. If I had, she might have left him sooner and that fateful night might never had happened.
Her threats sent him over the edge and as I drove down the busy high street, he started to attack her in the back of the car. The windows were all steamed up, the radio too loud, playing drum and bass. I tried to keep driving, looking over my shoulder as they struggled and shouting at Eddie to leave her alone.
Ashley was screaming, her arms shielding her head, pleading with Eddie to stop hitting her. She cowered in the footwell as he kicked and punched, raining blows down upon her, his face contorted with rage.
‘You’ll never fucking leave me,’ he roared as he stamped on her. Seconds later, I threw the Corsa around a bend too fast, terrified to stop, but trying to knock Eddie off his feet. We lost control on wet tarmac, tyres screeching. I tried to brake, but my foot missed the pedal and I accelerated head-on into a tree at the side of the road.
I started to hyperventilate; panic caused by the flashback overwhelming. The room began to spin, and I vomited in a plant pot. At that point, I decided it was time to leave.
60
Outside, in the back garden, sucking in lungfuls of fresh air, I checked my phone, blinking at the screen, trying to focus. Eight missed calls from Karla. Shit! What had happened? I stabbed at the phone, trying to call her back, but it rung out. I tried again, dropping the phone as I fumbled for a cigarette in the packet Harry held out to me after following me outside.
‘Something wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.’ He picked up the phone, brushed off the dirt and handed it back to me.
‘I don’t know. I can’t get hold of my friend.’
‘Ashley’s copulating with Phil upstairs, I believe.’ Harry nodded his head in time to the music playing. A song I didn’t recognise, the beat was too fast, my chest vibrated from the bass rippling through me. Was I going to be sick again?
I sank to the floor, sitting cross-legged on the patio, looking out at the expanse of lawn which seemed to go on for miles. It was almost midnight; time had run away with me. So, this was what a university party was like; this was what I’d been missing out on. It hadn’t met my expectations; cheap alcohol consumed by the gallon, music that didn’t make me want to sing or dance. I didn’t get these people, they were different, and even though it was likely my own insecurities, I felt stupid in their company.
As my head whirled, I realised I wanted to go home. Trying Karla again, the line rang and rang. Frustrated, I launched my phone into the flower bed.
‘What’s going on?’ Ashley appeared; her make-up smudged but with a rosy glow.
‘I can’t get hold of Karla. She went to see Leon tonight. She’s rung me about ten times.’
‘Jess, I told you, drop her, she’s only going to drag you down,’ Ashley slurred.
‘What, like me? Dragging you down?’
Her mouth dropped open, and her hand moved to her stomach, as though she’d been winded. ‘That’s not fair. I didn’t drop you. You went to prison!’ she shrieked.
Eyes of those on the patio turned to us, unable to hear our exchange over the music but obvious from Ashley’s body language that we were having a row.
‘Great! Fuck this, I’m going home,’ I said, grabbing my phone from the flower bed and storming out through the house.
My stomach rolled. I needed food, something to soak up the alcohol, and I staggered on the gravel driveway and out onto the road. Looking both ways but convinced we’d come from the right, I walked in that direction, realising I had no idea where Ashley lived or even where the train station was from here.
A minute later, the pavement echoed with slaps of footfall and I turned around to see Ashley running after me in bare feet, her heels swinging from her hand.
‘Oi, pisshead, you can bloody pack that in,’ she shouted, reaching me and panting. ‘You’re my best mate, you’ll always be my best mate. The past doesn’t matter, you know that.’
‘I’m nothing like them.’ I thumbed behind me like I was hitching a lift.
‘I know, neither am I, but I put on a good show, don’t I!’ She cackled, bending to catch her breath.
I shook my head and laughed. Linking her arm through mine again, like she did when I got off the train, Ashley pulled me along.
‘Did Karla send you a message?’ she asked.
‘No, just called a bunch of times. I’m worried.’
‘Well, there’s nothing you can do from here. I’m sure she’ll be fine.’
‘I hope so,’ I said, although a gnawing feeling in my gut told me otherwise.
‘Come on, let’s get a kebab.’
‘I thought you’d never ask,’ I replied, my stomach growling.
Half an hour later, we sat on the floor of Ashley’s room, two bottles of water and a feast of doner kebab, chips and chilli sauce spread out between us.
‘Lush.’ Ashley licked her fingers and I groaned with satisfaction. I’d regret the chill
i in the morning, but the food tasted good. ‘You need to make sure you drink all that before you go to sleep.’ Ashley pointed at the bottle as I chewed.
I nodded, shovelling more pitta bread in before I’d even finished my mouthful.
We chatted until the early hours of the morning, about university, her secret fling with Philip because his mother wouldn’t approve. I opened up about Dan, it felt good to get it off my chest.
‘I think I might be falling for him, but I’m scared I’m going to get hurt. He normally moves around a lot with work but has swooped in to sort out Bright’s. I don’t know how long he’ll stick around for. I mean, is it just a fling or something more? He’s older, more experienced, and I don’t know if I feel this way because he’s my first, you know.’
‘Have you told him any of this?’
‘No, not yet.’
‘Well you should, tell him how you feel and that you just want him to be straight with you. Is he going to be staying in Croydon and does he want a relationship?’
I nodded, relieved to be able to talk about it with someone.
‘If he’s decent he’ll be honest with you.’
As time went on and we sobered up, talk moved on to the St Helier Estate and Eddie.
‘I know you think I’m being harsh about Karla, but Leon isn’t someone to be crossed. I’m worried about you.’
I explained how Karla had been repaying Eddie’s debts and Leon had forced her to resume selling drugs on his behalf as soon as she was out of prison.
‘Sounds like she’s a great influence for someone wanting to stay the right side of the law! Why don’t you go to the police?’ Ashley asked.
I snorted. ‘Everyone is corrupt, Ash; my probation officer is as bent as they come. They are all in each other’s pockets.’
‘Sounds like a Netflix movie.’ Ashley laughed, trying to inject some lightness into the conversation.
I yawned, barely able to keep my eyes open.
‘Will you come back again?’
‘Of course. You ain’t getting rid of me that easily.’ I bent over to kiss the top of Ashley’s head before throwing on the T-shirt I’d travelled in. Climbing in her roommate’s bed, I wriggled beneath the covers, watching Ashley do the same.
‘Night, Jess.’
‘Love you.’
‘You too.’
My eyes stung the following morning as I was assaulted by the bright sunlight streaming in through Ashley’s window. She was up already, her bed neatly made as though it had never been slept in. I licked my dry lips, head throbbing a little. It would have been so much worse if I hadn’t guzzled a bottle of water, in an attempt to wash down the kebab. My fingers greasy and hair stinking of smoke, I rolled out of bed to remove the sheets.
If I was Ashley’s roommate, I wouldn’t like to come home to a bed reeking of kebab.
‘What are you doing?’ Ashley came in, just out of the shower and wrapped in a towel.
‘I thought I’d change the sheets or strip them at least.’
‘Okay, I’m sure she won’t be bothered, but throw them in the corner and I’ll sort them later. How are you feeling?’
‘Not bad actually.’ I stopped to run my fingers through my hair. ‘I need a shower though.’
‘Here’s a towel, it’s the next door on the right, shared by five of us, but I think we’re the first up. It’s pretty early for a Sunday morning here.’ Ashley chuckled and began combing her hair.
‘What time is it?’
‘Just after nine.’
I finished the sheets and left Ashley to get dressed while I had a long hot shower, borrowing someone else’s shower gel and shampoo, hoping they wouldn’t mind. Afterwards, I felt much more human.
Back in Ashley’s room, she was dressed and putting on mascara.
‘We might have time for breakfast, when’s your train?’
‘Eleven,’ I replied, suddenly remembering Karla and my appetite vanishing.
I snatched up my phone and sat on the bare mattress, listening to a garbled voicemail that had come through overnight. Karla sounded hysterical. Blood drained from my face and I wheezed like I was suffocating.
‘You look like you’ve seen a ghost, Jess. What’s happened?’ Ashley was at my side, rubbing my back as I gulped.
‘Karla,’ I managed.
Ashley swore, shaking her head, but she didn’t move.
I dialled Karla’s number, but it went straight to voicemail. Leaving Ashley sat on the bed, I paced. It was pointless, I was too far away and unable to get back quickly.
‘I need to check if there’s an earlier train, can you look for me, Ash?’ I asked as I kept redialling Karla’s number, hoping to get a different outcome.
A few minutes ago, I was a regular girl waking up with a moderate hangover on a Sunday morning. I’d forgotten all about Karla. For a second, I wasn’t an ex-convict, a girl whose friend was part of a drug-dealing gang. I was normal and hankering after a fry-up, although I knew I’d be sick if I ate anything at all.
‘There’s one in forty minutes, if you get dressed now you might just catch it.’
I chucked the phone and threw on my clothes, quickly plaiting my wet hair so it would be out of my face.
Ashley didn’t try to talk me out of it, or bad-mouth Karla while I got ready. She saw from the look on my face I was scared.
‘All set?’ Ashley said five minutes later.
‘Yep,’ I agreed, although I was apprehensive to leave. I had no idea what waited for me on my return.
61
The university was a ten-minute walk from the station, although we did it quicker, with long strides.
‘Christ, at least I’m getting my exercise today,’ Ashley huffed.
‘A brisk stroll in the morning is good for you,’ I said, pumping my elbows in a comedy fashion.
When we arrived at the entrance, Ashley threw her arms around me and held me tight. ‘Take care, let’s do this again real soon. Perhaps next time I’ll come to you?’
‘Well, it looks like I’m moving back in with Mum, so there’ll be plenty of space and I know she’d love to have you.’
‘You didn’t say!’ Ashley said accusingly. I’d failed to mention it last night.
‘I know, I guess I wanted to forget about it, for the night at least.’
‘How come you’re moving back?’ Ashley asked.
‘Helen is moving in with Stuart, my landlord. Who’d have known! It’s my turn to take care of Mum, it seems. She made it clear she’d served her sentence while I was serving mine.’
Ashley tutted, mirroring my outrage. She’d never warmed to Helen and always thought she was stuck-up. ‘Okay, well at least you’ll get to spend more time with your mum. Go on, or you’ll miss your train.’
We had another quick hug and I climbed the stone steps.
‘See you in a couple of weeks,’ she called after me as I waved.
Once safely on the train, which was already at the platform as I hurtled down the stairs, I texted Karla.
I’m on my way back, be there about twelve
I had no idea what had happened or what state Karla would be in when I got there. I only knew she didn’t have any keys to the bedsit, so I fully expected to find her on the kerb or propped up against the front door. As I stared out of the window, the train pulled away and soon we were whizzing past people’s back gardens. It was almost warm, without a cloud in the sky and finally it seemed as though winter was a distant memory.
My phone vibrated and I answered it quickly, believing it would be Karla.
‘When are you bringing your stuff round?’ Helen barked down the phone.
‘Helen, it’s fucking barely ten o’clock. I know you’re excited and all that, but I’m on my way back from Portsmouth on the train. It’ll be this afternoon.’
‘Okay, keep your hair on, Stuart just wanted to know as he was going to give you a lift.’ Should I have been grateful? It was clearly what Helen wanted to hear, but as I was moving out grudgi
ngly, I didn’t really care.
‘It’ll have to be later; I haven’t packed or anything. You literally dropped this on me on Friday and I told you I was in Portsmouth this weekend. I’ll move when I’m bloody ready,’ I snapped and hung up, gritting my teeth until my jaw ached.
I had more important things to worry about than inconveniencing Helen’s move to the love nest this weekend. I guessed Karla would have to stay with me at Mum’s. That would be something else Helen would moan at, but with no warning, what did she expect?
I relaxed back in my seat, staring out the window again at the houses. Ashley and I had a great night, even though I got a little too drunk and had a bit of a wobble about fitting in. It didn’t matter in the end; Ashley had seen through it all. In fact, she was living the same way. Did everyone morph to suit their surroundings? Like a chameleon? Perhaps they did.
My phone buzzed again: a text from Dan. The photo when loaded made me chuckle. Dan was wearing a rugby shirt with a gumshield in, he looked sweaty, his shiny skin covered in mud. Accompanying the photo, he’d messaged:
Can barely walk today, getting old. Miss you. Xx
I typed back:
Take it easy old man. xxx
The bus home came past the station as I emerged from the platform and I chased after it. Glad to be back in the cooler air, than on the stuffy train, which had started to smell anything but fresh as it filled up with people.
When I got home, I half expected Stuart to be hanging around outside waiting for me to return, car keys jingling in his hand, but all was quiet. Karla was nowhere to be seen. All her stuff was gone but thankfully mine remained untouched. My pulse galloped, running through the different scenarios and where she could be. I tried her phone again, but it went straight to voicemail. I left yet another message, must have been my third. Perhaps she was out of battery? Maybe Leon had killed her, and she was lying in a ditch somewhere? No, this wasn’t a Netflix thriller, Ashley was right.
