by Gemma Rogers
After I’d paced around for ten minutes, I began to pack up my things, more to keep busy than because I wanted to. I moved around the room, collecting books and folding clothes to put into the holdall and small red suitcase. It started neatly, but the more disgruntled I became about being forced to move, the more things were stuffed in haphazardly. I stripped my bed, folding up the duvet and cleared underneath it. In the end, it was exactly like leaving prison, my life packed into bags in barely twenty minutes.
I walked around the bedsit, mentally saying goodbye to my first ever adult home, unable to shake the feeling I was going backwards.
Just as I was about to leave, my phone rang. I fumbled getting it out of my pocket, desperately trying to answer.
‘Hello,’ I said breathlessly.
‘They beat John up, he’s battered, Jess. They won’t let me go.’ Karla sobbed. She was hysterical, rambling down the phone.
‘Calm down, what happened?’ I asked, keeping my voice steady. It appeared my worst fears about Karla seeing Leon had been confirmed but I had to keep it together.
‘We went to see them to pay the debt. I gave him two grand, more than I owed but figured it would sweeten him up. John and Leon were having a laugh at first; Leon said we were all clear now. But when John asked if he could take me away, let slip we were thinking of moving; Leon went ballistic.’
I lowered myself onto the sofa. ‘Then he beat him up?’
‘With a baseball bat, he’s in hospital. I’ve been with him since last night. At least we’re safe here.’
I sighed and Karla sniffed, a muffled sound as though she wiped her hand across her nose. ‘Shit. Are you okay, did they hurt you?’
‘I’m fine.’
‘Okay listen, when you leave, come to my mum’s address, you know which one it is, don’t you?’
‘I’m not leaving John here, I can’t.’
‘Are you sure it’s safe?’
‘Yes.’
‘Okay, come in to work tomorrow. I’ll get the details from Dan about a new place. He suggested Middleton-on-Sea.’
‘Okay.’
I heard a siren in the background.
‘I better go back inside.’
We said our goodbyes and I got up to pace. I hoped Dan had been able to pull something out of the bag, as the sooner Karla disappeared, the better. God, why was life so complicated?
‘Knock, knock,’ came a chirpy Stuart from the door he’d pushed open.
‘Oh hi,’ I mumbled.
‘All done, I see, fantastic. Looks as good as new. Here’s your deposit and the last month’s rent. You gave me two last time, remember?’ Stuart handed me a brown envelope and looked at his shoes.
‘Thanks.’
‘Right, want a lift? I think Helen’s keen to get settled in tonight.’ The look on the lovesick puppy that was Stuart made me want to vomit.
I rolled my eyes and picked up the bulging holdall, passing my suitcase and backpack full of books to Stuart. Unprepared for the weight, he staggered a little and I stifled a laugh.
In the car, Stuart clicked his seat belt into place and turned the engine on. Patting the steering wheel, he looked at me and over my shoulder to the bedsit. ‘A new chapter,’ he said, grinning.
‘Problem is, I’ve already read the book,’ I replied.
62
Helen was the most hyper I’d ever seen her, hugging me when I arrived, which she didn’t even do on the prison steps. Lined up neatly along the hallway were suitcases and boxes of Helen’s belongings. I imagined they’d been there since six a.m.
‘How’s Mum?’ I asked.
‘She’s fine. In fact, I think she’s looking forward to being bossed about less.’
‘I bet, no dictatorship here,’ I mocked, looking over my shoulder.
‘Ha ha.’ Helen flicked her hair and stalked out of the kitchen.
I followed and found Mum stretching on the carpet.
‘Hello, sorry you caught me doing my stretches. I could feel my leg was seizing up.’ She flexed her calf, pointing her toe but unable to keep the tremor still.
‘I’m just going to show Jess the folder,’ Helen said. That sounded ominous.
A minute later, we sat side by side at the kitchen table, Helen flicking through the pages of a blue ring binder.
‘So that’s her meds, two of each, twice a day. Stretching exercises here. I’ve written all her appointments so far this year on the calendar. She has physio tomorrow, but Jeff, the driver, collects her and brings her back. He has the key safe code. Grace’s details are here and there’s the telephone number to her department. Last page is miscellaneous house info, bin days, fuse box, et cetera.’ She closed the folder and grinned at me; her eyes manic.
I tried to absorb everything in the folder, but I knew I’d be calling on it for days to come. Helen was thorough, if not overbearing, but her system with Mum had worked so far and I couldn’t deny she was well looked after.
Less than half an hour later, Helen and Stuart departed and the house all of a sudden seemed too big. Helping Mum back into her chair, it struck me again how frail she was. At fifty-five, I had visions of her running around with her future grandchildren, pushing them on swings and chasing them around the park, but that would never be. My chest tightened as I tucked a blanket over her legs.
‘Cup of tea and a slice of cake, Mum?’
‘Ooh that would be lovely,’ she said, her eyes lighting up at the mention of cake.
Once Mum had a hot cup of tea and a slice of cherry almond loaf to nibble on, I took my mug out into the garden to have a cigarette and phone Dan.
‘Hey.’ Dan sounded pleased to hear from me when he answered.
‘It’s so good to hear your voice,’ I said, a little overwhelmed.
‘Are you okay? You at your mum’s?’
‘Yes, I’m here now. I’m going to spend the rest of the day getting Mum settled in.’
‘Okay, no worries. Good time in Portsmouth?’
‘It was okay, a house party, full of mostly dull people, but I drank more than my weight in Prosecco and am feeling rotten today.’
‘I bet!’
‘How was rugby, any bruises?’
‘A few, I could do with some nursing.’
I giggled.
‘Have you managed to get in touch with your “lady” by the seaside?’
‘I have, she’s got a couple of places she knows are available. She sent me the details. I’ll show you tomorrow.’
‘Ready to move into now?’ I pressed.
‘Yes, I believe so, why?’
‘It’s kind of become urgent.’ I didn’t want to say any more.
‘Understood.’
I steered the conversation back to the rugby match. Dan said he came home muddy and a bit battered but loved every minute.
‘So, what time does your mum go to bed?’ Dan flirted.
‘About nine-ish according to my sister’s folder,’ I quipped.
‘Text me the address and I’ll see you for a goodnight kiss then.’
My insides quivered. ‘Okay.’ I hung up as my cheeks flushed.
Dinner was earlier than Helen’s normal timing, partly because I was being belligerent and partly because I was starving. Other than cake at lunchtime, I hadn’t eaten a thing all day. Too busy running around. My stomach squirmed around four and I put the prepared casserole into the oven. Slicing up bread to go with it, I considered the positive that life would become calmer from now on. Dan and I could take it slow, I had Mum to look after and she had to be my main priority. Perhaps I could even do a course at the college; it was only down the road. They had evening classes; I could learn something which would help me get a better job.
More buoyed than I had been since the news of moving back had been announced, I joined Mum in the front room for a game of rummy. I hadn’t played in years. My first cell mate at Bronzefield, Maria, liked to play and we were happy to while away the hours, but she was only on remand and was quickly replace
d by Darcy, the tattooed hairdresser who had a thing for petite blondes.
Brushing the memory away, I declared rummy and laid my run of spades.
‘Jammy.’ Mum laughed and held her cards out to me so I could deal another round.
When the casserole was ready, I buttered the bread and we both ate in front of the television. Mum dipped her spoon in, leaning over her little table, and I sat with a tray on my lap. We laughed at old episodes of Frasier.
It darkened outside as I washed up. Once finished, Mum beckoned me over.
‘Listen, love, I never wanted either of you girls to care for me. I told Helen to try and get me assisted living or something.’
‘Don’t worry, Mum, we’ll look after you.’ The notion of us putting her in any kind of home was ridiculous. After what I’d put Mum through, taking care of her was the right thing to do. She needed me and I’d missed four years of life with her already. I’d never be able to get that back, but I could use this time to make amends.
‘I don’t want you wasting your life looking after me. You should be out living it.’ Mum’s face was scrunched up in frustration, her hands balled into fists.
I didn’t know how to answer, so I gave her a hug. My heart broke at how selfless she was and at how selfish I’d been.
‘We’d never put you in a home, Mum, never.’
Mum sighed and pulled me back in for another hug.
She was subdued at bedtime, maybe she was missing Helen. I had nowhere near her caring skills, although she was more like a bustling matron than a carer. I tucked Mum in, pulling the curtains closed and put on the radio. Mum liked to listen to LBC at bedtime for some background noise.
‘Night, love. I’m glad you’re here,’ Mum said.
‘Night, Mum.’
No sooner as I’d checked my reflection in the bathroom mirror, I heard the lightest tap on glass. My nerves tingled, knowing Dan would be downstairs waiting for me. There was nothing I could do for my pale, lacklustre hung-over face and I had to hope he didn’t notice.
‘I’m here to fix your washing machine,’ Dan smirked as I opened the door, dressed in navy overalls and carrying a toolbox.
‘Are you for real?’ I pulled back the door, doubled over laughing.
Dan came in and went straight into the kitchen. I automatically put the kettle on, as I did whenever we had guests.
While I was rummaging in the cutlery drawer for a spoon, still chuckling to myself, Dan pressed himself against me, his breath warm on my neck after he pried my hair away. Goosebumps rippled all over my body and I arched my back, reaching a hand behind to grip the fabric of his overalls.
‘Turn around.’
63
We giggled over a cup of tea; our cheeks still flushed from the sex we’d had against the counter. Dan hadn’t been joking when he’d suggested he come over for a goodnight kiss, wearing the overalls for comedy effect. I couldn’t deny he was the best-looking handyman I’d ever seen.
‘It’s a nice place,’ Dan said, seeing past the antique pine dresser and dated wallpaper.
‘It’s a bit of a time warp. I think Mum was getting ready to do it up before I got sent down and it all fell apart after that. The stroke wasn’t far behind,’ I said, my focus on my mug.
Dan nodded, eyeing me sympathetically, then taking a sip of his tea.
‘I think I need to make Karla leave tomorrow. It’s not safe for her here any more.’
‘What’s happened?’
‘The less you know, the better.’
‘I feel a bit like a gangster’s moll here!’ Dan chuckled, chewing his lip. He didn’t look much like one in those overalls.
‘Do you think one of the places your lady friend suggested will work?’
He rubbed the back of his neck as he considered. ‘There’s an old boathouse, near the beach. A one-room sort of thing.’ I nodded as Dan told me about the location. The boathouse was owned by Natasha, Dan’s contact in Middleton-on-Sea, and she was looking for someone quiet to rent it, all bills included. It was a quick-turnaround renovation, which was going to pay for her own mortgage apparently. ‘It’s available immediately, so I can ring Natasha in the morning and say to expect Karla shortly. I’ll have to vouch for her as she won’t have any references, but as long as she’s got a deposit, it’ll be fine.’
‘She’s got money,’ I said and Dan smiled, squeezing my knee.
‘Well that’s sorted then.’
He stayed for a little while longer, until ten, and I locked up before climbing the stairs to bed.
Helen’s room, which was our old room and now a sole occupancy, was barren. Normally there would be an abundance of discarded bottles, make-up containers and scrunched-up tissues adorning the bedside table. Her messiness used to drive me around the bend when we shared the space, but without her stuff, it was too big. I wasn’t sure me and the contents of my holdall and suitcase could fill it.
It took me even less time to place my belongings around the room in an attempt to make it more homely than it had to pack up the bedsit. The first things I unpacked were my books, which had grown considerably with every trip to the charity shop. There was still plenty of space on the shelf for more and I’d run out of things to read. I’d have to dip into Mum’s collection to see if she had anything other than Flowers in the Attic, which I’d read a hundred times.
As I lay on the bed, a text came through from Dan:
Night sweetheart xx
I texted back to say goodnight, aware of the warm glow growing in the pit of my stomach permeating through me. Even with everything going on, I was happy.
Karla texted to say everything was fine and John was being taken off the ventilator as he was able to breathe by himself.
Absent-mindedly, I scrolled through the photos on my phone, laughing at a selfie from last night of me and Ashley I didn’t remember taking. I sent it on to her with the caption ‘look at these beauties’, to which she replied quickly, cringing at how drunk we were before thanking me for visiting and asking if I had as bad a hangover as she did? I replied I did and she asked me how Karla was. I told her I hadn’t seen her but heard she was all right.
Full and content, I rolled onto my side to get into the covers. Maybe everything would work out after all.
I got up early, before my alarm. My period had arrived with a vengeance and stomach cramps were in full swing. A cup of tea and toast for me and Mum before I jumped in the shower to get ready for work. I helped her downstairs after she’d had a wash and got dressed. Grace was coming in at midday and would fix Mum’s lunch; she was looking forward to it as she had two crossword puzzles for them to do. Once she was settled in the chair, she held my hand, drawing me close.
‘I love you, Jess, and whatever you may think, I’m proud of you.’
My eyes welled up at the unexpected affection.
‘Have a lovely day.’ She turned away, flicking through her magazine and I took my cue and left.
A few minutes later, I was across the road at the bus stop, basking in the glorious sunshine and deliberately ignoring the graffiti that was still there. I’d have to check in with Grace later; make sure Mum was all right. Glad I’d remembered to programme her number into my mobile.
Today was going to be good, I could smell it in the air. Stuart was right, although a cliché, it was a new chapter and I had to make it work. I’d decided to talk to Dan, I didn’t want to pretend to be happy coasting along. Unable to bear to think about him with anyone else, I wanted exclusivity. Not that I believed he was putting it about when he didn’t see me, but I needed to feel secure as my affection for him grew. He’d mentioned the boyfriend word in a passing joke, and I hoped he’d make it official. A little stability in my life wouldn’t go amiss.
Dan was in the office on his phone when I strolled past, so I blew him a kiss before automatically heading to the lockers. I was a little early and wasn’t sure what time Karla would arrive. If she’d been at the hospital with John all night, it wouldn’t be early
. Her Facebook account had been deleted and I could see she was trying to remove her presence online in preparation for running. I messaged her quickly to see if she was okay and got one back quickly with only the word ‘shattered’.
I was looking forward to inspecting the old boathouse with Dan, online at least, and excited to see what Karla would make of it. She looked too cool, perhaps dressed a bit too street, to go unnoticed in a small seaside village. Maybe she’d change her look to try and fit in?
Hanna and Laura were already unloading a delivery and I jogged to help them, still fixing my tabard as I went. Damp, smelly towels from the gym, sweating in giant sealed bags made my throat constrict.
‘Grim!’ Laura heaved and I clapped a hand over my mouth, enveloped by the odour as we pulled the bags apart.
‘What’s that honk?’ teased Dan, shouting from the back of the warehouse.
‘You disgusting men!’ Hanna shouted back.
We all laughed, and he didn’t come any closer.
In ten minutes, we’d filled three machines full of towels and raised the shutters to let some fresh air in, to clear the stink.
Barry arrived and called on me first for our meeting. He looked as though he was going to burst. His cheeks were mottled, neck a blotchy pink, and I was sure any moment his eyes would bulge. It was unnerving, but I remained passive. Barry spoke in a measured tone, keeping everything professional but the silence lingered between questions and I had to fight the urge to fill it. I became increasingly uncomfortable, shifting in my seat as the tension became palpable. He gripped his pen so hard his knuckles were white, asking only the questions necessary and promptly filling the form as we went.
He leant back in his seat once the form was complete, crossing his arms and awarding me a fixed stare. I swallowed, feeling my pulse spike. What was the matter with him?
