Protecting Jenna (NCIS Series Book 8)

by Zoe Dawson

  “I will. That sounds absolutely necessary. Sarah deserved that honor. She loved the Navy and flying so much.”

  “The next thing you should do is contact a funeral director in Arlington so you’ll know where we should ship the body. But definitely think about what type of burial you want—casket or urn.”

  “She didn’t have a preference, so I’m going with the simple casket.”

  “Good. There’s a resource online covering funeral directors. It’s a good place to start.”

  He rose. “I should be going. It’s getting late.”

  “Yes, of course.” Even to herself she sounded reluctant to let him go.

  They reached the closet, and she opened the door and reached for his pullover. The material felt soft against her skin as she pulled it off the hanger and turned to him. He took it and slipped it over his head, leaving the zipper open, the snaps undone. He looked so sexy in the tight red shirt, but the stylish hoodie took that up a whole ten notches.

  Pulling her eyes away, she made herself go to the door, all the time wishing that he would stay a little longer.

  She paused there when she felt his presence behind her. Austin was so close that the heat from his body engulfed her, and it was all she could do not to grab onto him.

  She expected him to move away, but he didn’t. Instead, she felt a light brush against her shoulder, and she swallowed again, that one single touch nearly her undoing. Not knowing what to expect, she looked up at him, her stomach lurching when she saw the dark, somber expression in his eyes. He held her gaze for a long, electric moment, then he drew a deep breath and stepped away. His voice was gruff when he spoke. “Do you want me to stay tonight? On the couch?”

  She closed her eyes, the heartfelt inflection in his words touching on the well of emotions inside her, the longing for him only tripling. “Would you mind? Is it breaking some kind of protocol in your job?”

  “No. Even super agents need to sleep,” he murmured with a smile.

  “Then yes, I would love it if you would stay. Let me get you some linens and some towels. I have a spare toothbrush,” she said, but she didn’t move.

  “Thanks.” Austin’s voice got lower, and she was so grateful for this reprise. So grateful. She wanted to tell him how she felt, but it would only make matters worse for him when he’d already said they should cool it.

  “Jenna, time will make things better. I know it’s hard right now, but I want to be here for you to support you. It’s so damned complicated because we have a past, and I’m on official investigative duty. But I want to do the right thing here. You understand that?”

  Jenna caught the back of his head, her fingers tangling in his hair, emotion upon emotion piling up in her. It was as if they were fused together by desperation, by their individual sorrows, by all the things they couldn’t say, and it was too much. And it got even worse when she realized how tightly he was holding her.

  Clenching her jaw to hold the awful pressure in her chest, Jenna shifted her hold, trying to completely enfold him, trying to tell him without words that she was so grateful to have him be the agent investigating her cousin’s death.

  Expelling his breath in a violent shudder, Austin roughly turned his head and tightened his hold, nearly crushing her. Jenna cradled his head, absolutely wrecked.

  Tightly closing her eyes to try to keep everything contained, she continued to hold him with all her strength, afraid if she loosened her hold just a little, he would disappear like smoke.

  She had no idea how long they stood like that, clinging to each other, afraid what would happen if they let go, but Jenna’s arms were quivering when Austin finally stirred. His chest rose sharply, pressing against her as he took a deep, uneven breath, then she heard him swallow. “We’d better get some rest,” he whispered, his voice rough with strain.

  Her insides tied up in knots, she released him. “Let me get those things for you.” She went to the linen closet and got fresh sheets, a pillow, and comforter. “The couch folds out and the bathroom is down the hall to the left, spare toothbrushes just below the sink.”

  “Okay. I think I can manage that,” he said. She turned to go, and he threw the stuff on the couch and caught her by the face, his eyes intent and a stormy gray, his face so handsome, his mouth so tempting. “You are beautiful, Jenna. I meant that and this isn’t easy. I wanted you to know that. Give it some thought before we become physical. We both know that's where this is heading, don't we?”

  She nodded.

  "You could be reacting to the situation. It's not that I don't want you. I just want you to be sure it's between us and not the situation that's dictating things.”

  She tried to think of a response, the longing for him now a deep ache. He let her go. “I can help you make up the couch,” she offered lamely.

  “I got it covered. Get some sleep.” His words had a pleading quality to them, as if he was at the end of his control. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

  Stripped of his warmth, Jenna reluctantly headed to her room. Once inside, their closeness, their almost kiss, seemed to have altered things. Granted, he hadn’t acted on the impulse she saw so clearly in his eyes. The knowledge that he was watching her to make sure she was okay should have made her feel better, but in some ways, it made her feel worse. She hadn’t known this degree of unhappiness even existed—the kind that knotted her up inside and made her heart ache. And there were moments of unmitigated sorrow.

  Her separation from Robert hadn’t felt this terrible. She bit her lip, quite aware why, and it had everything to do with what was between her and Austin…passion, an attraction so potent, each of them could feel it in the very air, like a thick, invisible fog, jacking both of them up. Something had to break, and she shivered at the thought of all his raw power in her hands. Ached to feel his skin, his mouth, his body—to fuse with him until this tension was resolved.

  But it was clear there was this huge stretch of no-man’s-land between them, a space he refused to cross. And Jenna had had no idea she could feel so awful, so empty, so damned sad.

  Feeling completely depleted, she closed her eyes and pulled the comforter off her bed. She knew that sleep was her best ally right now, especially after getting so little last night. She wasn’t sure how she was going to make it through the dark hours or the rest of the next day, let alone the rest of her life.

  Chapter Seven

  The chill of morning crawled inside her, and Jenna drew her comforter tighter. Unable to sleep, she was sitting in her comfy chair staring out at the open expanse of the horizon, a hollowness around her heart. She watched the sky, still dark with predawn, and she faced another reality she had been skirting for a long, long time. She had always cared about Austin, from the moment she met him. Somewhere along the line, she had gotten in deeper than she’d realized.

  What she’d felt for Austin was so very different from what she’d felt for Robert. She thought she was in love with Robert, but it was a need for security and comfort that had driven her to marry him. The prodding of her father was firm and strong, but ultimately, it had been her decision. She’d chosen the easiest course. Admitting that to herself made her tremble with an odd kind of alarm. Had she been lying to herself all these years? That she was forced into a loveless marriage? She’d wanted to believe it was Robert’s fault, or her father’s, but in the end, wasn’t it really her own?

  She had never taken responsibility for her choices.

  She made a soft sound of distress, her throat thick. She’d gone along with the flow for so many reasons: fear of getting hurt, fear of hurting her father, fear of making a stand, causing the serene boat she was on to rock, fear of betraying her beloved dad. In the end, she had cut off her own feelings, and that kiss six years ago had woken her up. But the circumstances and her inability to stop blaming everything and everyone around her had lasted for another six years until she couldn’t live the lie anymore. She wanted love, a passionate, can’t-live-without-him love.

  Au
stin, all those years ago, had opened her eyes to what real awareness, a real relationship could be. But she’d ignored it, chalked it up to his gorgeous looks and his humorous but intense personality. She’d thought she’d been reacting to her fears and her unhappiness at the prospect of no children, feeling inadequate in getting to what she’d thought she’d wanted: a family with a secure, decent man.

  But Robert had never been, nor would he ever be, that man. He never saw her, just his own selfish needs. Austin considered her in everything he did. Her attraction to Austin went way beyond just being unhappy with Robert. There was so much more with him.

  Austin had blown that out of the water when he’d shown his interest in her. As dawn filtered into the room, she knew what she wanted. She rose and opened her bedroom door, the apartment silent and shadowed with the imminent dawn. A new day, and a new revelation for her.

  She approached the couch, the sheets gray in the predawn light. Austin was on his back, the sheets and comforter covering him up to his waist, with the smooth expanse of his chest exposed. She just stood there, looking her fill at the definition of the lean muscles across the broad expanse of his chest, the curve delineating his biceps, the hollow of his throat and the strong column of his neck, his big hands slightly curved in sleep. Everything inside her went liquid. She was tired of waiting and wanting. She was tired of thinking over the six years since she’d last seen him and now. Tired and done with it.

  Never in her life had she acted on impulse, except with Austin. Her eyes burning, she undressed, a weird kind of anger setting her resolve. She took off every stitch of clothing she had on and stood in the chill of the room, her stomach fluttering, her body aching, aching. Regardless of where this was going, regardless of how it would end or what their future held, she wanted to know passion. She wanted to know Austin body and soul.

  She didn’t have a plan, she hadn’t thought it out, but just when her nerve faltered, she thought about taking responsibility for what she wanted.

  She lifted the covers and slipped inside, the tips of her breasts tingling, hard and aching, the place between her legs moist and throbbing. The smooth slide of Austin’s skin against hers only jerked her heart into stuttering, and the relief of skin-to-skin contact was almost more than she could bear. She pressed her whole body against his as his even breathing ceased, and she waited in an agony of anticipation for him to wake up. He stirred, and she knew when he was fully cognizant of her against him, naked against him. He froze, then turned his head. He just stared at her with a stunned, heated look in his eyes.

  Austin rolled, his breathing suddenly ragged. He stared at her face, then closed his eyes. No, no control. She simply reacted. Her voice barely above a whisper, she spoke his name. She covered his mouth with a soft moan. He went still. She could swear she could feel the tension arcing between them.

  Another sound was wrenched from her as Austin’s arms came around her, crushing her in a hard, fierce embrace, his hand cupping and holding her jaw.

  The onslaught of need ratcheted up and Jenna clung to him, certain she would simply cease to exist if he let her go. She had never experienced anything like it—the heavy, surging feeling of two halves coming together, the awesome power of two universes colliding, the stunning rush of wanting. It had been too long, and she wasn’t waiting another minute. So much need, unsatisfied hunger, raw emotion. But not nearly enough of anything.

  Her breathing out of control, she locked her arms around him, pressing her body against his heated, smooth skin, needing him, needing more.

  Hoarsely whispering her name, Austin pressed her back into the hide-a-bed mattress, then sent his hand over her body, and he groaned when he encountered her bare, throbbing, tingling flesh, everything on fire, waiting for this moment when he would touch her like this.

  His heart pounding in tandem with hers, he brushed his mouth against hers as he held her even tighter. Body to body, heat to heat, he took her mouth, and Jenna yielded everything to him, her need fired by his.

  Everything she had ever believed about herself—about the kind of woman she was, about her libido, which had seemed lackluster at best—was simply incinerated by that hot, wet, plundering kiss. Making a low sound of restraint, he tried to tear his mouth away, but she grasped his face, holding him to her, unable to bear a separation. She knew if they didn’t finish this, if they didn’t take this to completion, she would simply break into a million wild bits.

  His breathing labored, Austin ripped his mouth away and threw the covers back, his eyes roving over her as if he couldn’t quite believe she was here next to him, offering everything she had to him.

  Terrified he might stop, that he might do the honorable thing, Jenna locked her arms around his neck, her breath catching. But he clearly had no thought of stopping. He covered her with his body in one powerful move and roughly used his knee to push her legs apart. Pelvis against pelvis, he held her fast as he claimed her mouth again, his thick hardness fused against her.

  Jenna had never known this fever of need, this raw, urgent hunger, and she gave herself up to the frenzied sensations, knowing that Austin would never let her down.

  Roughly changing the angle of his mouth, Austin thrust against her, and the throbbing heaviness in her groin intensified. Desperate for more, Jenna sobbed and locked her legs around him, transfixed by the unbelievable sensations he’d set off inside her. He moved again and she clutched him, her senses disintegrating, desperate for more, much more.

  Tearing her mouth away, she lifted her hips against his, her voice barely coherent. “Please, Austin. Please,” she begged hoarsely, rubbing against him again. The unsatisfied pulse thickened, and she found his mouth, desperate for the taste of him, wanting to center her pulsating need.

  On a jagged intake of air, Austin caught her jaw and dragged his mouth away. His breathing ragged and labored, he tried to gentle his hold. He stroked her head, his voice so rough, it was as if he was speaking through some unmanageable pain. “Jenna,” he whispered brokenly, his breath hot against her ear. “I’m not going to risk you in that way.”

  But Jenna was too far gone to stop. The hunger was centered in her and getting stronger. She rocked her pelvis, her breathing as labored as his. “It’s okay,” she pleaded with him, her voice breaking. “It’s okay. I want you, Austin, please. I’m still on the Pill.”

  Desperate to persuade him, she moved against the hard ridge beneath his underwear, and he clutched her and stiffened, his body rigid with tension. She moved again, and he clutched her tighter, then abruptly he turned and covered her with his body. Bracing his weight, he fumbled with his underwear, and Jenna cried out when she felt him free and hard. Blinded by sensation, she arched her back, wanting him to thrust deeply into her, but he teased her with his hard-on and his fingers, building, building, dragging her to the edge. Then with a groan he thrust into her, sending her over. He choked out her name and thrust again, his body grinding into hers. Every thrust sent her higher and higher until her whole body focused into one white-hot light; then everything exploded, and pulses of relief ripped through her, a million lights going off in her head. And on a tortured groan, Austin twisted his hips, pumping his own release.

  Incoherent and shattered, she hung on to him for dear life—on to her lifeline, her rock, her still center.

  It seemed like an eternity passed before flashes of consciousness sifted down, like softly falling snow. Trembling, weak, and feeling as if every bone in her body had been liquefied, she folded herself around him, aware of how tightly he was holding her, aware of how badly he was trembling.

  She wrapped both arms around him and tightened her legs, an unbearable tenderness welling up in her as she cradled him against her.

  She was so shattered, she was incapable of speech. But she was filled to the brim with feelings for him, and she gently combed her fingers through his hair, wishing she could wrap up every inch of him. He was so extremely special. So precious.

  Austin turned his face against h
er neck, his hand wedged under her head. Then, as if too spent to move, he tightened his hold. His voice muffled, he spoke, his tone very gruff, saying, “Jenna, I’ve wanted you for so long. You took all the control I had, and I was helpless.”

  Moved beyond words by his admission, and overcome with the need to comfort him, she pressed her mouth against his cheek. Her own voice was very uneven as she whispered, “I was the same. I just couldn’t wait, couldn’t deny this anymore.” She rubbed her hand through his hair, then hugged him close. “I think this may be what heaven feels like.”

  His chest rose on a deep intake of air, then he tightened his grip on her head. He didn’t say anything, but she felt him smile. And she hugged him again.

  “What about your job?”

  She was relaxing into him, so tired now that she’d seen this through. “Didn’t sleep last night,” she said drowsily. “Staying right here, but I don’t have to work until later.”

  He chuckled softly and she drifted off as he said, “What am I going to do with you?” The last thing she felt was him covering her with the sheet and comforter.

  The next thing she was aware of was the tantalizing smell of coffee, and the sound of someone in the kitchen. She opened one bleary eye and sighed. The pillow smelled like him. There was a crackle of electricity in the air, a heated smell like there was a fire burning somewhere, awareness sizzling along her nerve endings.

  Then she heard it, the wind howling outside. The Santa Anas always left her buzzing, but now added to the mix was the scent of Austin, the imprint of his body deep into hers, and she never wanted to shake that feeling.