Nameless

by Marni MacRae

  “No.” The refusal comes out before I can stop it or understand it.

  Be grateful, girl. A Hiss. A voice I know. And again, I refuse to pray.

  “No.” I gasp, arguing with someone who is not there. Someone I can’t name. Can’t picture. I start to feel my skin heat, my heart begin to race. Black spots start dancing before my eyes, and a dizziness washes over me followed by a ringing in my ears I recognize faintly from yesterday after I screamed.

  “Don’t scream, Eve, don’t scream.” I grip the sides of the tub, the spots growing larger, my breathing too fast, too panicked.

  Be GRATEFUL!

  “Miss Eve.”

  This voice doesn’t match the one in my head and I blink. I take gulping breaths, trying to clear away the black curtain falling quickly now.

  “Don’t scream.”

  “No, Miss Eve. I won’t scream. You take nice slow breaths now.”

  The voice is so calm and soothing, I obey and slow the gulping. Try to breathe through my nose.

  “That’s good. Now hold it for a moment. Good.”

  Intsy’s voice praises my attempt, and I feel a hand on my wet hair, petting slowly.

  “Now one more, slowly in, and hold it a moment.”

  The direction of what to do, the voice to focus on outside of my mind, of my own inner demons, helps to ground me, and I come back to the bathtub. Away from the dark curtain as the spots recede and my heartbeat slows.

  “Now, let’s get you out of the tub, Miss Eve,”

  Intsy smiles gently and holds up a large, puffy, white towel. I stand so quickly water splashes over the side, but I want to be out of the water. I want to be warm and dry and far from the whispers that tickle at my grasp on sanity. Please don’t scream. I give one final plea to my mind and let Intsy wrap me in the towel.

  She guides me to a cushioned bench at the foot of the bed and settles me upon it.

  “I’ll fetch a nice cup of tea while you dry and rest.”

  Intsy rests a hand on my wet shoulder and leans down to look me in the eye. Her warm brown gaze is full of concern and kindness, and I wish I had spoken more to her during the tour. I don’t know why I feel intimidated by her and resolve to let the feeling go. I’m grateful she was here and took initiative to come into the bathroom to help me.

  Grateful. I wonder if I will ever be able to use the word without a chill running through me as I shiver at the buzzing voice. A lingering residue of a panicked moment.

  “I’m fine,” I say as Intsy frowns at my shivering, and I try to smile. “Really. I am. Thank you, Intsy. I appreciate the…um”—I wave my hand toward the open bathroom door— “help.”

  Intsy stands up straight and lets her hand fall from my shoulder. “Of course, Miss Eve. I’ll fetch that tea.’

  “Just Eve.”

  “Miss?” I smile at Intsy when she turns back toward me at the doorway.

  “Just Eve. No need to call me Miss.”

  “Of course. Eve.” Intsy nods and turns to leave but not before I catch a small smile.

  Sitting makes me feel cold and clammy, so I rise and finish drying off, noticing for the first time that the pile of clothing and shoes are gone. Even the boxes and bags have been cleared away.

  I begin searching through drawers, opening the large closet to find the shoes lined up neatly, the dresses hanging on a long rod. Intsy. I don’t think I will ever get used to others taking care of me.

  Wrapped in the white towel, I begin piecing together clothing, starting with a pair of simple white panties (which I try hard not to picture Ezra purchasing). I add a pair of tan slacks and a simple white button up shirt made of a soft material that hangs against my skin like a cloud. I finish dressing by donning a pair of socks and the white canvas shoes, feeling like I have accomplished a great victory. Shoes! My feet have been bare my whole life. All of a day. But it feels wonderful to have shoes on them. I can truly enter the world now.

  Intsy returns as I am tying the white laces and smiling at the ease with which my fingers do the task. I guess some things are ingrained too deeply to forget.

  “Here Miss—Eve.” Intsy smiles as she indicates a chair in front of a pretty white table with a mirror hung above it. “Sit at the vanity with your tea, and I’ll tend your hair.”

  Vanity. Hmmm. New word learned.

  “Thank you, Intsy. Though I don’t know what you can do with this. It seems like a lost cause.”

  “Oh, no, your hair is lovely. It just needs a cutting, but it’s healthy and shines naturally. I can pin it up for you until you find time to go to the salon.”

  I lower myself to the vanity, facing a mirror for the second time today. Intsy standing behind me is such a contrast to my own reflection. I am startled at first by the paleness of my skin, the rich brown tone of hers.

  “Intsy, do you mind if I ask you some questions?”

  The young woman raises an eyebrow at me in the mirror and begins brushing my wet hair away from my face. “No, Eve, I don’t mind. May I reserve the right to not answer?”

  “Oh, no, not about you.” I smile. “Not that I wouldn’t want to get to know you. It’s just, well…um…do you know my situation?”

  Intsy pauses with the brush in her hand, and our eyes meet in the mirror.

  “Yes, Miss.” Her expression is kind, and she resumes brushing before continuing. “Everyone knows you, Miss Eve. Although no one knows you.”

  I laugh at this and my shoulders relax. “Quite so, Intsy. Well, I am among you, for I don’t know me either. But there is so much more I don’t know. I was hoping you would help.”

  “Ah, then, yes, Mi—Eve, you may ask anything you like.”

  I let out a breath as Intsy trades the brush for pins and begins twisting my hair gently away from my face.

  “What is Wi-Fi?”

  “Hmm…well, Wi-Fi is a signal that can be used by a wireless device like a laptop or phone to go onto the Internet.”

  I groan and roll my eyes. “I can see this is going to get me nowhere. I don’t know the word laptop or Internet. Will the answer to those be confusing as well?”

  Intsy slides a pin into my hair and nods in the mirror, her grin widening. “Very.”

  Chapter 14

  I don’t know why I kissed her.

  I spent yesterday slaving at work trying to get the kiss out of my head. After leaving Eve at the Thorn Queen’s, I headed to the newest construction where I could actually swing a hammer. With so many of the projects nearing completion, only two of the homes had yet to get the trusses up. I grabbed my tool belt and dove in like a man on fire.

  Framing had been my first passion. Putting boards together to create a wall, a doorway, a home. Constructing a roof to shelter a family. Installing windows, insulation and drywall, that’s fine, too. I love every stage of the job. But driving a nail into a board old-school, without the constant drone of compressors running nail guns and hoses snaking around the job site—well, there’s nothing that compares.

  Except kissing Eve. Well, maybe a beer and a good ball game would compete, but I’m nitpicking.

  I meant to take her to lunch, talk about options since the department seems limited in what they can do. And somehow, I ended up against a hospital hallway wall with Eve kissing me back. The hardest thing I’ve ever done was stopping. If I hadn’t been raised by my mother to be a gentleman, I would have taken her back into that hospital room and kissed her senseless. How can a girl who doesn’t know who she is respond like that?

  I ‘ve already beaten myself up. Asked myself all the questions. And what I came to in the end were some splinters, very little sleep, and no answers.

  I need to get my head on straight. I mean, what am I expecting out of this? Am I trying to help Eve get back to where she came from or convincing her to stay? I hardly know her.

  I know that, but I want to learn her, I want to discover the woman she is and hope that she might want to learn me, too. I don’t know if we can do that with her past hanging ov
er her. I don’t know if it would be right to try to build something knowing she may be leaving someone else behind. That skeleton may one day rise up to destroy anything we managed to build.

  I’m getting way ahead of myself. One step at a time. What’s the right thing to do?

  Damn it. Figure out her past. Good or bad, it needs to be put to rest. Then see how she feels once the dust settles. I know I’m dooming myself to a lot of pain. I know in my heart if I dig deep enough, look hard enough, I will find out where Eve came from. Something in me tells me that answer will end anything we might have.

  Damn it.

  * * *

  Pulling up to Elizabeth Thornton’s place, I can feel myself tensing up. As I turn off the engine, I take a breath and try to relax. I was going to call ahead first, make sure Eve was there. Let her know I was coming. But I couldn’t figure out what to say. I felt like a teenager about to call a girl to ask her to the prom. I stared at my phone for ten minutes before giving up and just driving over. I’m better in person. As long I don’t kiss her again. I’m not sure I could survive having to stop a second time.

  The knocker on the door rings out sharply as I let it fall, juggling the two to-go cups of coffee in my hands in attempt to not spill the scalding liquid. I don’t know if Eve drinks coffee. She had said she remembered foods she liked, but I don’t know a single person who doesn’t worship the dark liquid. So I took a chance and ordered her one at the drive-through of Brighton Valley’s only latte stand.

  Ezra opens the door, and I catch a tightening of the lips before he nods and admits me inside. “Mr. Donovan, shall I announce you to Ms. Thornton?”

  “No need, Ezra, I’m just here to see Eve.” I have never understood Ezra’s stiff nature, but attribute it to the Thornton throwback mentality. Elizabeth has a way of clinging to the old ways. Her butler is the epitome of snobbery.

  Without a word, Ezra leaves me standing in the open foyer and disappears deeper into the Thorn Queen’s palace. I take a sip of my hot coffee and wander around the room aimlessly while I wait for Eve. I’ll say one thing for old money, it tends to accumulate a lot of old stuff. I wonder if half the furniture I can see had been bought when new. They are most certainly antiques now. Like the family.

  “Nicolas!” Ms. T herself glides into the foyer, arms as wide as her smile. Reaching me, she notices the coffee in each hand so leans in to buss my cheek before stepping back, clasping her hands happily. “So thrilled you have stopped in. Here to see our Eve, I assume?”

  “Yes, is she here?” I glance over her shoulder hoping to find the girl in question, but the hall remains empty.

  “Of course, she’s home. Did you not knock on her door?” Elizabeth looks confused for a moment.

  “Yeah, I knocked on your door, Ezra let me in and then left.” I shrug my shoulders and then curse as hot coffee leaps through my lid’s tiny hole to scald my hand.

  “Oh, dear, well, he should have shown you to Eve’s residence. I will speak to Ezra about his lapse in duties.”

  “Residence? Is she not staying with you?”

  “Yes, dear, but in the carriage house. Simply retrace your steps outside. You will find the building just past the east wing.”

  “East wing. Right.”

  Elizabeth is helpful enough to open the front door for me and smiles as I pass through. “Thank you so much for calling me, Nicolas. Eve is a dear girl. I’m happy to have her here.”

  I pause at the statement and turn back to find sincerity in the older woman’s eyes. Nodding my head, I continue out the door and down the steps to find the east wing. So, Eve has won over the Thorn Queen. “Not surprised,” I catch myself muttering and smile to myself. Eve has a way about her that makes a person feel inclined to love her. Even rich old Thorn Queens.

  Carriage house. I recall now that Eve had mentioned that. I feel a bit better about visiting knowing she has her own place and even better knowing Ms. Thornton isn’t just doing this as a favor to me. She collects favors like trophies and calls them in ruthlessly. Perhaps in Eve’s case, she is genuinely invested and cares for the girl’s well-being. In any event, Eve seems to be well set up, regardless of anyone’s motives.

  The carriage house is impressive, and I’m distracted by the eye to detail in the architecture of both buildings. The classic lines and stonework are admirable, both having stood the test of time for more than a century. This door has a horse head for a knocker, and before I can adjust the cups to juggle in one hand again, the door opens and Eve is standing there.

  “Nick!”

  Her face lights up as if she’s truly pleased to see me, and I find my throat tightening at the sight of her. Dressed in soft tan slacks, a white turtleneck and white Keds she looks comfortable and clean. Almost as if she belongs in the home, born into money. Her dark hair has been pulled back and pinned, piled on top of her head in a pretty twist that takes away the helpless look I had grown accustomed to. It adds a bit of sophistication and age to her.

  She’s not a girl but a lovely young lady. The difference from when I dropped her off yesterday in torn paper shoes and stained, threadbare clothing to now is striking. She has a light in her eyes and a smile that warms me instantly.

  “Hi.” I manage to get out. “Coffee?” I hand one of the cups over, without stopping to remember if it is the one I have been drinking out of and step inside as she shuts the door.

  “Thank you. Did you come all this way just to bring me coffee?”

  “Yes, well, no…uh…I actually just came to say hi.” I feel like that is a lame reason to stop by, so I add, “And to see if you want a ride to the station”

  Eve takes a sip from the cup and makes a small humming sound. “I found that I love coffee. I don’t think I had it before, but Intsy gave me some this morning and I drank three cups.” Eve smiles and beckons for me to follow her. “Station. What does that mean?”

  She asks the question innocently as if I had thrown out a foreign noise she is unfamiliar with.

  “The police station. Where Lee and Sam work.” I add just to be as clear as possible. “I was going to head over and see if they brought up the missing persons’ report. I wondered if you would like a ride.”

  “Oh. Police station. Yes, I would like to go with you.” Eve leads me into a large, bright kitchen with warm yellow walls and the scent of cinnamon lingering in the air. She sits down on a cushioned seat at a breakfast table that has been tucked into a bay window. The sight is so homey and inviting as she sips at her coffee that I feel something loosen in me and sit down across from her.

  “I decided my list was silly and chose instead to just ask.”

  “Ask?” I am distracted by her pink lips as they press against the plastic lid of the coffee cup to take another sip, and I close my eyes trying to block out memories of those lips on mine.

  Why do I feel so rattled today? We had lunch after the kiss yesterday. We talked. I drove her here. And although I couldn’t stop thinking about her, was drawn to her, I wasn’t a sweaty, stammering mess. I open my eyes and look at Eve to find her studying me back.

  Her eyes are flashing bright gold, and her cheeks are flushed. I wonder if she was as affected by the kiss as I was. Am.

  It occurs to me suddenly why today feels different. Why my palms are sweating and I can’t get a thought to run straight in my head. I know I may lose her. Seeing her now, clean and looking so…normal. So bright and alive, the fear gone and only curiosity and sincerity showing in those gold eyes. It scares me.

  Eve came out of a field and has a past that may take her back. Just when she is getting her feet under her. Beating the fear. Finding some normalcy. It crushes me to think she might be hurt again. She may discover she loves someone already, and I’m just the guy who found her in the middle of a road.

  Without the dirt, torn clothing and fear in her eyes, Eve looks like an angel. Like a woman I could actually build something with. I’m nervous like this is a first date and terrified I may never get one with her. M
an, I seriously should have gotten a shot in my coffee. I take a gulp from my cup, thankful it’s no longer steaming hot.

  “Yes, ask.” Eve stops staring at me and smiles shyly as she looks down at her coffee cup. “Station. I would have put it on my list to try and figure it out later. Clearly the word has more than one meaning, I am familiar with train station, or being stationary, but didn’t think you meant either so would have noted it to research later. But my list was getting too long.” She looks up and shrugs her small shoulders. “Intsy helped me last night. We actually had a lot of fun.”

  “Intsy?” Somehow, I feel that everything Eve is saying puts me further in the dark as to what she is trying to say.

  “Oh, yes, Intsy is a maid for Elizabeth. She was helping last night with some questions. Do you use the Internet?” Eve leans forward with her elbows on the table, her eyes sparkling with excitement. “It’s fascinating! You can ask it anything, and you get so many answers back!”

  I can see Eve isn’t expecting an answer so I just nod my head and smile at her enthusiasm.

  “And the television—Intsy showed me how to use it. It took a while, but I finally figured out changing channels and volume. The other buttons are too confusing.”

  “Yeah, they are for most of us, so don’t feel bad.”

  I relax into my chair and sip my coffee as Eve talks. Just watching her face and the light that beams from her makes me happy.

  “The television has so many shows! Hundreds! I like the ones about animals. There is one that is about African animals that was fascinating. I don’t like the…umm…let’s see, it was called ‘Housewives’ I think.”

  “Good call. That one you shouldn’t watch.”

  “Oh, but I really liked the cartoons. Intsy says they make movies out of them. She said if we get the movies, she will show me how to work the…um…d…”

  “DVD player?”

  “Yes! That. So maybe if I work for you, I can buy some of the cartoon movies.”