by C J Murphy
Jordan gripped the top of her thighs. “That sounds a little familiar.”
Sam ran his finger over his wedding band and twisted it around and around. “From the moment he stepped into Il Frantoio, I thought he was the most dashing man I’d ever met. Max was so charming and moved with an elegant grace. I tell you, I was smitten from the first hello.”
Jordan smiled and placed a hand on Sam’s back as he leaned forward. “I remember him telling me that you took his breath when you came out in your chef’s coat. Told me it was sexier than anything he’d ever beheld. I think his actual wording was breathtaking.”
Sam covered his mouth. “What am I going to do without him, Jordan?”
Jordan quieted the voices of loss that screamed through her head. She was having a hard time answering him, because she still wasn’t sure how she was going to cope if she had to live without Noeul. The next move belonged to the woman living at the top of a mountain.
***
Noeul paced the front porch of Miranda and Kelly’s. She’d tended to everything at Topside and ridden down the mountain, her heart in her throat the entire time. It was well into the afternoon, and she was sure Jordan would be with Max. Kelly told her she’d received a call from Dava, telling them Jordan had arrived and was making her way to the hospital. Dava told her Jordan hadn’t called the girls because she’d accidentally left her satellite phone in the Jeep. With everything on her mind, Jordan had turned the task over to her sister to make contact.
“You’re going to have to replace those boards if you wear a hole in them with all that pacing.” Miranda leaned against the doorframe, her gruffness still present.
Noeul knew she needed to apologize and make things right with her. “I’ll build you a whole new one if you’ll forgive me for being such an ass. I’m sorry, Miranda, I really am.” Noeul’s shoulders slumped, as she sat in a chair Jordan had occupied on one of their visits. She put her head in her hands.
“Nothing to forgive. I let it go the minute I rode off."
Noeul looked at her skeptically, not doubting the forgiveness for one second. Forgetting was another thing.
Miranda threw her hands up in defense. “Alright, I won’t lie. I was mightily pissed.”
Noeul shook her head up and down to indicate she knew the truth of the statement. “It wasn’t you. I was angry about a lot of things. Our stepping on each other was the match that lit the fuse. Jordan and I were getting ready to have a really serious conversation when you showed up.”
“I wondered about that. What’s going on? And before you say it’s none of my business, you’re family to me, so that makes it my business. Regardless of what you and my lovely wife think.”
Noeul chuckled at that sentiment. “You’re family to me too, and I can’t tell you exactly what’s wrong. Before you get your dander up, it’s not Jordan’s fault. The blame lies squarely with me. She told me she was falling in love with me. And I freaked.”
“Ah.”
Noeul sat back and closed her eyes. “Yeah. I keep trying to justify in my head why I couldn’t say it back. I go through a checklist that tells me all the reasons why I can’t, and they pale to the one box on the other side.”
“And that box says what?’
“That not only do I miss her, but I am in love with her.”
Miranda came to sit beside her, as Kelly came out and gave each of them a glass of iced tea. Kelly kissed the top of Noeul’s head and sat in the rocking chair on the other side of her. She reached out a hand, which Noeul readily took and threaded their fingers together.
“So, what are you planning to do about this revelation?” Miranda took a deep drink of the glass dripping with condensation.
Noeul rolled her head from side to side. “I have no idea, and she’s not here even if I knew what I wanted to do.”
Kelly squeezed her hand. “And?”
Noeul drew her brows together. “And what? I can’t make it right. Jordan’s not here. She’s back in Ithaca trying to help Max and Sam.”
Miranda let out a huff. “Bullshit.”
Noeul turned to Miranda. “What?”
“You heard me, I call bullshit. Not a thing holding you here except your own damn, stubborn determination to be a fucking martyr. I have a really hard time believing this is what Aggie wanted, and yet you hole yourself away up on that mountain, hiding from the world and any possibility of love. Not a damn thing holding you here, and yet you wallow in self-pity with the means to be able to fix it. Now are you going to sit here on your ass, thinking about what might have been, or are you going to get on a fucking plane and fix this, so you can start living again? I wanted to kick her ass when I thought she’d hurt you. About now, I’m thinking it’s your ass I should kick.” Miranda rose and took up the pacing across the porch.
Kelly jumped up and pulled her up short, pinning her against the rail with her back to Miranda’s front, pulling Miranda’s arms around her own waist. “Settle down you ole grump. I love you.”
“Well!”
“Well nothing. You’re not her mother or her keeper. Last time I checked, Noeul’s old enough to vote, buy beer, and order from a menu that doesn’t come with crayons.” Kelly turned and kissed her.
Noeul watched the exchange between the two women. They were a balance of fire and ice, sugar and spice, sweet and salty. They weren’t the perfect couple, and their differences numbered as many as their similarities. They made it work. She loved to watch how Kelly could quiet the savage tigress into a mewling kitten. Differences and similarities, balance and counterbalance, all working side by side to provide a life full of love, for better or worse.
Noeul rose before she had a chance to change her mind. “She’s right, someone should kick my ass. If I can borrow your computer, I’ll see what I can do about changing why Miranda has cause to…with a plane ticket.”
Miranda pumped her fist in the air. “I’ll call Leo. He can watch your place for a few days. You know he loves doing that.”
Kelly drew Noeul in under one arm as she walked her into the house. “I knew you had it in you.”
“I’m not on the plane yet.” Noeul shuddered in relief.
“If love had wings, you’d already be there.” Kelly kissed her temple.
Miranda clapped her hands together hard. “Now, let’s get your ass to New York.”
Chapter Twenty-three
JORDAN HAD SENT SAM home and stayed the night in the waiting room, not wanting Max to be alone. She was waiting for her chance to go in for the morning visit with him. Her back was stiff, and her last cup of hospital tar was setting up in the paper cup she held in her hand. Sam came back looking like he’d actually accomplished a little sleep.
He smiled and kissed the top of her head. “Thought you could use this.”
She took the offered coffee in the travel mug and the small bag that she hoped held one of Sam’s amazing breakfast sandwiches. Jordan pulled the still warm biscuit creation from the bag and took her first bite, followed by an appreciative groan. There was a reason Sam’s restaurant was always packed. With a grin, she swallowed and took a sip of coffee and let her eyes roll in pleasure. “Marry me?”
Sam’s face lit up and he chuckled. “Sorry.” He held up his left hand, indicating his wedding ring. “I’m taken.”
Jordan watched the smile slowly fall away and the sadness return. She put her sandwich down and pulled him into a hug. “We will get through this, and Max will come home. We’ve got to get him through this crisis and get you some help. I’m home now. I should have never left. I’m sorry, Sam.”
Sam pulled back from her embrace. “Jordan Armstrong, Max wanted you to go. He knew how important this was to you. And the fact that you found Noeul? Well, he was thrilled about that. Max adores you and thinks of you much like a daughter. You’ve done nothing other than make him proud. Although, he’s likely to kick your ass for coming home. I, for one, am more grateful than you’ll know. It’s so hard. Everyone feels bad and wants to help. Tha
t starts to fade when he can’t remember something they’ve done together, or something that was a private joke between them. Their feelings get hurt. They want to remember him as he was. For me, I want him to still be here, however I can have him. Those moments when he remembers our wedding or a touch…”
“Sam, he remembers because your love is what tethers him here. “
Sam wiped his eyes. “What a queen I am.”
“A queen that can cook like nobody’s business.” Jordan picked up her sandwich and took another bite, savoring the buttery biscuits with layers of egg and cheese in between.
“They talked about moving him today, somewhere to a floor where I can stay with him. He gets so confused when I’m gone.”
Jordan reached out and covered his hand with hers. “Like I said, you are his tether.”
Sam looked up to see Max’s doctor approaching. Jordan chewed furiously to clear her mouth, wiping buttery fingers on her worn jeans when the doctor extended his hand.
“Dr. Tennant, this is Jordan,” he looked at Jordan with a wink, “our daughter.”
Dr. Tennant looked tired. “Jordan, I’m sorry to meet you under these circumstances. The good news is, Max is markedly improved. His pressure is down and none of the scans show any sign of stroke damage. It appeared to be an isolated spike with no long-term consequences. I’d like to keep him another day for observation, to be on the safe side. I think you can take him home tomorrow. “
Sam nearly collapsed in Jordan’s arms. She steadied him and kept him tight in her grasp. “What can we do after we get him home?”
“Let him rest to start with. I’ve ordered in-home physical and occupational therapy for him. That should help with his mobility and motor skills. Whatever you were doing before to slow the dementia, it’s been working. He remembered who I was this morning. I’m going to go ahead and move him to a private room off the critical care wing. His blood work looks good, and all signs show that he’s improving.”
Sam shook Dr. Tennant’s hand with enthusiasm. “Thank you, doctor.”
“No thanks needed. It’s a pleasure to deal with caring family. Many have great difficulty handling the changes in their loved ones. Max looks like he has wonderful support. Hopefully we can get him past this acute issue and back home.”
Jordan shook the doctor’s hand and helped Sam back to the chairs. “See, ‘Dad’ is going to be fine. Hopefully, he’ll be in a room soon and we can check on him.”
About an hour later, they were informed that Max had been moved and they were able to visit freely. Sam went out for coffee, and Jordan sat at the bedside with Max’s hand in hers. He looked more fragile than the last time she’d seen him. His pallor closely resembled the grayish-white hospital sheets he lay under. She’d closed her eyes for a moment, resting her head back against the headache exploding behind her eyes—a symptom of a lack of sleep and a slightly broken heart. She hadn’t taken much time to think about Noeul or how they’d left things. She’d need to deal with that at some point. Right now, she was where the need was the greatest.
A thin frail voice broke the silence. “What are you doing here?”
Jordan startled and sat up to meet Max’s light-blue eyes. “Max!”
Max gave her a weak smile. “Easy now, I’m an old man. I startle easy.”
Jordan pulled the clasped hand close to her lips and kissed it. “I’ve missed you.”
“Missed you too, kid. What are you doing here?”
“You’re here and that’s why I am.”
“And Noeul?”
“That’s a story for another day. Right now, I want you to rest so Sam and I can take you home.”
Max craned his neck a bit. “Where is my wonderful husband?”
“Finding me some coffee that doesn’t taste like it’s been run through a radiator. He is not impressed with the sludge they serve here. I already devoured the first cup he brought me.”
Max laughed, and Jordan saw color return to his face. “My dear husband has always been a coffee snob.”
“True…he’s been worried about you.”
Max squeezed her hand a little tighter. “I know, I’m doing all I can to stay around as long as I can. Today feels like it’s going to be a good day. Tomorrow, I might be lucky if I remember my own name. You can’t have the mindset that time is on your side, Jordan. It’s a mere whisper in the grand scheme of things. Don’t put anything off and leave nothing left unsaid.”
Jordan thought about the truth of Max’s statement. Her stomach flipped over all the things she and Noeul hadn’t discussed. She knew what her own heart and mind were telling her. The questions all lay in what she didn’t know about Noeul’s feelings. What she hoped would come to pass while they were apart, was that the beautiful, green-eyed woman would have her own moment of clarity. For now, there was nothing Jordan could do until Noeul was willing to reconcile her past with the present.
Chapter Twenty-four
NOEUL PULLED HER SMALL wheeled carry-on behind her in the departure line at the Charlottesville Albemarle Airport. Ticket in hand, she would board a plane that would stop in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania before traveling on to Ithaca, New York. She’d driven more than two hours to Charlottesville the day before, and this was the best flight she’d been able to book, short of hiring a private plane. A car rental would be waiting for her, and all she could think was to get to Jordan. Now to figure out what I’m going to say.
The line progressed, and soon she was buckled in her seat with her leather-bound journal on her lap. Noeul listened closely to the attendant’s emergency instructions, before she closed her eyes while the plane roared to life and taxied down the runway. The moment the aircraft left terra firma, the ascent pushed her into her seat. Her eyes were drawn out the window to the large white clouds that stood out starkly against the idyllic blue sky. How small we humans are in the grand scheme of things. Pen in hand, she opened her journal.
It’s extraordinary to think about what Jordan did to find me. She took a sabbatical, deciphered coded messages, and traveled thousands of miles across the United States in her quest. Those extraordinary efforts make the five hundred and fifty or so miles I’m currently traveling seem insignificant. Sadly, the physical miles that separate us feel less of a barrier than my reluctance to take a chance on love again.
It’s only been a little over twenty-four hours since I reached for her in the night. Nothing tastes right, nothing quenches my thirst. The reasons are simple. The hunger and thirst I feel aren’t for food or water. I long to taste the salt on her skin and drink in the sight of that phoenix wrapping around her body. I’m desperate to feast on her lips and drink in her kiss, to fill my heart and soul with her. Those are the things my mind and body are starving for. They come with a price that, up until meeting Jordan, I’ve never been willing to pay. Now, I’d give every dime I have for one more minute in her arms.
Aggie’s gone. I’ve spent years mourning what I lost instead of celebrating what I had. Miranda’s right, the way I’ve been going through my life isn’t what Aggie would have wanted. I know it’s not what I would have expected of her.
I’ve wasted years of my life merely existing and not truly living. Now that I can look at it without my sackcloth and ashes, I realize I was just going through the motions, not waking up grateful for every day. I used Aggie’s death as a reason to put everything on hold and isolate myself from even the slightest chance of pain. Slowly living to die, and not making the dash in between…count.
With the slight layover, she arrived in Ithaca three hours later. Without knowing where to find Jordan, all she could do was go to the hospital and hope to run into her there. Picking up her rental car, she loaded her luggage and decided to call back to the girls to let them know she’d arrived. As she listened to the ringing, her nerves started to get the better of her. She drew in a sigh of relief when she reached the calmer of her two friends. “Hey, Kelly, wanted to let you know I made it.”
“I was wondering and prayin
g you wouldn’t get to Philly and turn around. Jordan’s worth it, and more importantly, so are you.”
Noeul played with her ponytail. “I won’t lie and tell you I’m not scared to death. I hurt her. This trip might be in vain.”
“You won’t know until you let her know how you feel. Don’t put words in her mouth, Noeul. Don’t take anything for granted, and don’t leave anything left unsaid. Put your cards out on the table, face up, and let the hand play out as it will. We love you, honey, and we’ll be here for you one way or another.”
“I love you, Kelly. You and Miranda are all that’s kept me going all these years.”
“We always will be. Now, put that car in gear and go get your girl.”
“From your lips to God’s ears.”
One deep breath later, Noeul started the car and drove out onto roads and streets she hadn’t been on in almost a decade. A tightness in her chest was a powerful reminder that she was driving to the hospital where she’d lost Aggie, and where she hoped she’d find Jordan.
The road took her by Stewart Park, where she and Aggie had often ridden the carousel. So many memories flooded back. Tears rose in her eyes, forcing her to pull over to get herself under control. The panic she was already feeling was only the beginning of what she’d soon experience walking through the hospital doors. She needed to talk herself down.
Just breathe, Noeul. None of that can hurt you now. What will hurt is if you lose Jordan. That’s something you can try to change. Now get a move on. You can’t change anything by sitting here in a parking lot.
She put the car back in drive and concentrated on the road and not the past. Minutes later, she was putting the car in park again, and staring at a place where she’d experienced an unbelievable amount of grief and pain. Noeul pushed those thoughts to the side, slid out of the car, and grabbed her purse. Deep breath, deep breath.
The smell of artificially cooled air assaulted her. Far removed from her mountain-fresh, unpolluted air, she steeled herself to put one foot in front of the other as she stepped across the tile floor and made her way to information. She wasn’t sure if they would tell her where Max was because of privacy policies. She was pleasantly surprised to be given his room number and said a silent prayer to Aggie for any assistance she might have given in that endeavor. The elevator opened, and she met a face she hadn’t seen in a long time.
