To the Nines

by Janet Evanovich

  I opened the door and smiled at the two women. “How nice to see you again,” I said. “Come in.”

  “We can't stay,” Joe's mother said. “We're on our way to church. We just wanted to drop this manicotti off.”

  I took the casserole and Grandma Bella fixed her scary eye on me.

  “I had a vision,” Bella said.

  I looked down at her and screwed my face into an expression that I hoped conveyed mild interest. “Really?”

  “It was you. You were dead. Just like the last time. You went into the ground.”

  “Uh-​hunh.”

  “I saw you in the box.”

  “Mahogany? The model with the scroll work?”

  “Top of the line,” Bella said.

  I turned to Joe. “Nice to know.”

  “A comfort,” Joe said.

  “So was there anything different about the vision this time?” I asked Bella.

  “It was the same vision. But last time I forgot to tell you . . . you were old.”

  “How old?”

  “Real old.”

  “We have to go now,” Joe's mother said. “It wouldn't hurt you to come to church once in a while, Joseph.”

  Joe smiled and gave her and Bella a kiss on the cheek. “Be careful.” He closed the door after them and took the manicotti from me. “Way to go. That was impressive.”

  “I'm fearless.”

  “Cupcake, you are not fearless. But you can bluff with the best of them.”

  “What gave me away?”

  “You had a death grip on the manicotti. Your knuckles were turning white.”

  Bob and I followed Morelli into the kitchen.

  “I was old in Bellas vision,” I said to Morelli. “I guess I can stop worrying about the carnation killer now. And I definitely don't need a bodyguard.”

  “I can hardly wait for you to explain this to Ranger,” Morelli said.

  I woke up to sun streaming in through Morelli's bedroom window. Morelli was long gone and Bob was asleep in his place, head on the pillow, one eye open and watching me.

  I got up, went to the window, and looked out. There was a shiny black Ford Explorer parked two houses away on the opposite side of the street. Not Ranger. Ranger never drove the Explorer. Not Tank. Tank was sitting somewhere in the Bat Cave with his leg elevated. Probably Cal. Hard to tell at this distance.

  I took a shower, dressed in a tank top, jeans, and sneakers and wrinkled my nose at my hair. I had a tube of hair gunk that was a combination of wallpaper paste and mustache wax. I pulled a big glob of it through my hair with my fingers and my curls stood up at attention. I was a couple inches taller with the gunk in my hair and I wasn't a real good judge, but I suspected I was no longer cute.

  A half hour later, I rolled into the office.

  “Whoa,” Connie said at my hair. “What happened to you?”

  “I got a haircut.”

  “I hope you didn't give him a tip.”

  “Am I cute?”

  “That's not the first word that comes to mind.”

  Vinnie stuck his head out and grimaced at me. “Holy shit. What'd you do, tag yourself with the stun gun? I wouldn't show that hairdo to your mother if I was you.” And he went back into his office.

  “I didn't think it was that bad,” I said to Connie.

  “You look like you soaked your head in liquid starch and then stood in a wind tunnel.”

  Vinnie jumped out of his office. “I got it! I know who it is that you look like . . . Don King!” And Vinnie jumped back inside and slammed and locked his door.

  I felt my hair. It was pretty stiff. Maybe I overdid the hair gunk.

  “Omigod,” Connie said, looking out the big front window. “Its Lula!”

  Sure enough, the red Firebird was parked at the curb and Lula was at the door with Boo under her arm.

  “What did I miss?” Lula wanted to know, coming over to the desk. “What's going on? Did I miss anything?”

  I didn't know where to begin. There'd been death, birth, sex, and hair loss.

  Lula shifted Boo on her hip. “Are you still looking for that carnation guy?”

  “Yep,” I said. “Haven't found him yet. I tried calling you, but your phone wasn't working.”

  “I stopped to take a break, got out of the car, the phone fell on the ground, and the dog peed on it.”

  “You made good time,” Connie said.

  “That is one motherfucker long trip,” Lula said. “I was in the car for eight hours and my ass was asleep when I hit Little Rock and I said, 'Stick a fork in me, 'cause I'm done.' So I handed the rental car in and I hooked up with a couple truckers who drove day and night. And here I am. They dropped me off late last night.”

  Connie took a closer look at Lula. “Did you lose weight?”

  “I lost ten pounds. Can you believe it? All you gotta do is eat meat all day. I've eaten so much meat in the last five days I can't remember ever eating anything else. I got meat oozing out my ears. And to tell you the truth, I'm starting to feel funny about all this meat. You don't think I could turn into like a meat vampire or something, do you?”

  “I never heard of a meat vampire,” I said.

  “For the last couple days my teeth have been feeling funny. You know, like they're growing. Just these two ones in front. What do they call them . . . canines. And then I was looking at myself in the mirror this morning when I was brushing my teeth and I was thinking they looked bigger. Like vampire teeth. Like I'm eating so much meat I'm turning into a carnivore. And I'm getting dog teeth.”

  Connie and I were speechless.

  “What happened to your hair?” Lula asked me. “You look like Don King.”

  “Yes, but I'm not cute,” I said.

  “Fuckin' A,” Lula said.

  Lula and I packed off in my car and headed for the Apusenjas. Boo was on Lula’s lap, ears up, eyes bright.

  “Look at him,” Lula said. “He knows he's going home. Isn't it something the way dogs know these things? I tell you, I'm going to miss this little guy.” Lula cut her eyes to the rearview mirror. “Looks like you still got a bodyguard.”

  I turned and squinted back at the Explorer. Cal was behind the wheel. And he had someone riding shotgun. Great. Now I had two baby-​sitters.

  I whipped out my cell phone and called Ranger.

  “Lula's back,” I told him. “So, thanks anyway, but I don't need Cal.”

  “He's staying,” Ranger said.

  “I can take care of myself. I want you to tell Cal to stop following me.”

  “The carnation killer isn't going to move on you when you're so obviously guarded. He doesn't want to shoot you in the head from a distance. He wants to play with you.”

  “Yeah, but this is really annoying and it could go on forever.”

  “Not forever,” Ranger said. “Just long enough for the police to do their thing. They have some leads. Having Cal in place buys them some time.”

  “Grandma Bella said I wasn't going to die until I was real old.”

  “That makes me feel so much better,” Ranger said. And he disconnected.

  I parked in front of the Apusenjas' house. Lula leaned forward and adjusted the rearview mirror and checked out her teeth.

  “You're starting to creep me out with this teeth stuff,” I said.

  “How do you think I feel? I'm the one turning into a ... creature. I feel like Michael J. Fox in that werewolf movie. Remember when he started growing hair all over? It was like he was turning into Connie.”

  Lula gave up on the teeth and looked over at the house. “I'm bringing this dog back because that's the right thing to do, but the bride of Frankenstein better not start on me.”

  “The bride of Frankenstein likes us now. She said she guessed I wasn't such a bad slut.”

  “Bet you got all excited over that.” Lula levered herself out of the Escape, holding tight to Boo. She set him down on the ground. Boo ran to the Apusenjas' front door and started yapping to be let in.
>
  Mrs. Apusenja opened the door and let out a shriek. She scooped up Boo and held him close and got a lot of sloppy Boo kisses.

  “Isn't that nice,” Lula said. “A family reunited. It almost makes me want to get a dog. Except for the peeing and pooping part.”

  Tell me about it.

  Stephanie Plum 9 - To The Nines

  Chapter Fifteen

  I was on my way back to the office when Grandma Mazur called.

  “We got a situation here,” she said. “I don't suppose you're in the neighborhood?”

  “What kind of a situation?”

  “Valerie decided she's going to marry Albert.”

  “That's great.”

  “Yeah, except Albert's been living with his mom and his mom isn't happy that Albert's not marrying in his faith. Albert's mom wants him to marry a Jewish girl and so she's kicked him out of the house. That means everyone's going to be living here. Albert just showed up with a couple boxes of his stuff and he's moving it into that little room upstairs with Valerie and the girls.”

  “Oh boy.”

  "Exactly. We need to put rubber walls on this house. We don't all fit in it anymore. Your father says he's moving in with

  Harry Farnsworth. He's upstairs packing and your mothers all upset."

  “My dad's moving out?”

  “I can sort of see his point on this. He had to drive to the gas station on Hamilton to use the bathroom this morning. So I don't exactly blame him, but what's your mother going to do if your father moves out permanent? Where's she going to find another man? It's not like she's a live wire.”

  I did a large mental sigh. “I'll be right there.”

  “Don't tell nobody I called you,” Grandma said.

  I made a U-​turn on Hamilton and smiled, knowing Cal was scrambling to follow me in the big Explorer.

  Lula leaned over the seat, watching him. “Good to keep a man on his toes,” Lula said. “I bet he's all worried back there, cursing you out. He can't find a place to wheel that SUV around. Uh-​oh, he just jumped the curb and knocked over a garbage can. Ranger won't be happy to see a scratch on that shiny new car.”

  I pulled into the driveway, blocking my father's car so he couldn't make a getaway. Then I ran back to Cal, who was parking in front of the house. His face was red and a trickle of sweat traced a path down his temple.

  “It's okay if you park here,” I said to Cal and Junior, “but don't get out of the car. Both of you stay here and try to look normal.” Even as I said it, I knew it was an impossible request. “And don't worry about that big gash in the right front fender. It's really not all that bad,” I said.

  The red in Cal's face kicked up a notch.

  Lula was waiting for me on my parents' front porch. “You are so evil,” she said. “There's no gash in the right front fender.”

  Grandma Mazur opened the door to me. “What a surprise,” she said, real loud. “Look everyone, Stephanie's here.”

  Mary Alice was back to being a horse, galloping around the house, making horse sounds. The baby was screaming surprisingly loud for a newborn and Valerie was furiously rocking it in the rocking chair. Angie was drawing on a pad in the dining room. She had cotton wads stuck in her ears and she was singing, trying to drown out the noise. Albert Kloughn was pacing in front of Valerie.

  “Maybe there's something wrong with her,” Kloughn said to Valerie. “Maybe we should take her back to the hospital. Maybe she's hungry. Maybe she's wet.”

  “Maybe she's got gas,” Grandma Mazur said. “I know I do. This family's getting on my nerves. I can't stand all this noise and commotion. It gives me indigestion. I gotta get some Maalox.”

  “I'm outta here,” Lula said. “Nice seeing you all, but I'm going to wait in the car. I'm not good with crying babies. I've been locked in a truck cab with a dog and two horny truck drivers for the last couple days and on top of that I'm worried I'm turning into a carnivore.”

  “I wouldn't mind hearing about the two horny truck drivers,” Grandma said.

  I went into the kitchen where my mother was ironing. She always irons when she's upset. Ordinarily no one would approach my mother when she's got an iron in her hand, but I thought I should say something. “This house is bedlam,” I said to her.

  “I got a nice almond ring from the bakery,” my mother said. “Help yourself. And there's fresh coffee.”

  Even when my mother was in a state, she was still a mother.

  “What do you think of my hair?” I asked her.

  She looked at me and made the sign of the cross. “Holy Mary, mother of God,” she said. Then she smiled. “I can always count on you to top anything we have going on here.”

  “I hear Val's getting married.”

  “Thank goodness.”

  “And I hear they're all going to live here.”

  “What can I do?” my mother said. “They have to live someplace. Am I going to turn my daughter out on the street? They're going to buy a house as soon as Albert gets a little more established.”

  There were heavy footsteps on the stairs.

  “Your father,” my mother said. “He's moving out. We've been married for over thirty years and now he's moving out.”

  Only if he pushed my car out of the driveway.

  I went back to Val in the living room and shouted over the baby. “I'm living with Morelli these days,” I said. “Why don't you and the kids and Albert move into my apartment?” This was right up there with poking myself in the eye with a hot stick. I didn't really want to turn my apartment over to Valerie, but it was the only way I could immediately get her out of my parents' house.

  “It would just be temporary,” Kloughn said. “Just until we find a place of our own. Boy, that's really nice of you. Valerie, isn't that nice of Stephanie?”

  “It is,” Valerie said, shifting the baby so it could nurse.

  Lisa stopped crying and Valerie looked like she was morphing back to the serene Saint Valerie. I was thinking that there was probably a lot of my mother in Valerie.

  “There's nothing like a baby,” Grandma said.

  Mary Alice galloped by and stopped to look. “I'd rather have a horse,” she said.

  “When she gets older you'll be able to help feed her,” Valerie said. “And she'll be as much fun as a horse.”

  “Horses have nice silky tails,” Mary Alice said.

  “Maybe we'll let Lisa grow her hair long into a ponytail,” Valerie said. “Would you like to take the little cap off her head so you can see her hair?”

  Mary Alice took the cap off Lisa's head and we were all transfixed by the wispy dark hair that swirled from Lisa's crown and framed her face. Lisa's tiny hands were balled into fists, her eyes were open, and fixed on Valerie.