Have Some Guts
Page 8
my fucked up brain to imagine.
Another car HONKS.
NUMBERS
That's only because you know nothing about God. Your puny little brain cannot handle everything there is to know about the Almighty One. Can you understand what it is to exist with no beginning and no end?
SIMON
Don't fuckin' preach to me choir-boy. I am done with this conversation. The only way I am gonna believe in God is if he comes up to me and hands me a fuckin' business card with his name on it. And even then, only maybe!
A man KNOCKS on the window. Simon rolls it down.
SIMON
Can I fuckin' help you?
MAN
Do you mind moving along, pal. You're holding up traffic!
Simon reaches out the window and grabs the man's testacles.
The man YELPS and cowers.
SIMON
Unless you have some kind of fuckin' idea as to where my briefcase is, I suggest you hobble back to where you came from and be thankful that I didn't waste my time getting out of the car. Understood?
The man WIMPERS and Simon releases him. The man limps back to his car.
SIMON
Fuckin' queer, I think he liked it. Let's go get some caffeine.
NUMBERS
Learn that one from Kimmy?
SIMON
Hell yeah. I was just seizing the moment. But you know, that aggressive little trollop would make a fine addition to our team. She has some guts!
Numbers shakes his head as the Jeep speeds off.
CUT TO:
EXT: BEACH.
The dead whale is sprawled out belly up on the sand like a fat man tanning. Flies BUZZ around and dozens of spectators touch it and take pictures.
Kenny and Chester stand off to the side. Chester is holding a cold beer to the fresh BRUISE on his forehead. A television news crew is setting up a camera and equipment.
CHESTER
I didn't know I was doing a mating ritual, I swear. I was just trying to get my beer. Oh man, that fucking bird was pissed! He must have thought I was going for his girl.
KENNY
I warned you. You should count your blessings you caught it with that wide right hook or else it might…
Chester points to the whale.
CHESTER
(interrupting)
Whoa! Look at that thing. It's like two tons of raw sushi!
KENNY
Sushi is raw, Chester.
CHESTER
Whatever. Let's go touch it.
They push their way to the whale. They both pet it and press on it.
CHESTER
Eeew, gross. It feels like a sweaty armpit. All hairy and fat and slimy.
Chester smells his fingers and then pushes them into Kenny's face.
CHESTER
Smell them. They smell like fish!
Kenny swats his hand away.
KENNY
That's classy, especially from a man who was dressed like a penguin only a few hours ago and just sucker-punched a Pelican.
Besides them, a news crew sets up. News reporter, SHAUNA SPARKS, fluffs her red hair and pulls the microphone close to her mouth like she is going to lick it. The camera-man raises his hand with three fingers open. He closes one finger, then the other, and points to Shauna.
SHAUNA
Hello Seaside. This is Shauna Sparks reporting from the scene of the washed up dead whale. The Portland authorities have handed the situation over to the eager, young crew of Marine Biology majors from Portland CC. They have been in meeting for the last hour deciding what will be done with this "whale of a problem."
Shauna smiles vacantly.
SHAUNA
But before we hear from the students, let's get a couple inside opinions on what should be done with the whale from our very own folks here in Seaside.
BROTHER HECTOR steps in front of the camera. He has a long beard, a tie-dyed shirt, and ripped denim shorts.
SHAUNA
This is Hector of…
BROTHER HECTOR
(interrupting)
Brother Hector. I am one of the sons of mother earth and a brother to all her beautiful animals. We refuse to eat her animals!
SHAUNA
Very well. BROTHER Hector is a founding member of the Seaside Beaches Coalition to Save the Ocean Animals. What do you think should be done with this whale?
BROTHER HECTOR
It isn't just a whale. It is my brother. He deserves a proper burial and funeral. He is just another innocent ocean creature washed up on these shores due to the evil oil companies' carnal lust for black gold.
SHAUNA
So you are suggesting we dig a hole and bury him? Wouldn't that be expensive and laboring? And wouldn't it just resurface?
BROTHER HECTOR
Um. Well, I hadn't considered the, um…
Brother Hector stands silent for a few moments. His face twitches, his hands curl into fists, and his eyes bug out of his head.
BROTHER HECTOR
FUCK the oil companies. FUCK them and…
Shauna grimaces and pulls the microphone away from him. She steps aside.
SHAUNA
Thank you, Brother Hector. Let's hear from someone else.
Shauna pulls Kenny from the crowd.
SHAUNA
Hello, fellow Seasider. What do you think should be done with the whale?
Kenny is camera shy. He glares into the camera like a deer staring at oncoming headlights.
KENNY
Huh, what?
SHAUNA
What do you think should be done with the whale?
KENNY
Oh, the whale! Yeah, um. What was the question?
Chester steps in.
CHESTER
Hey, I know.
Shauna slides the microphone in front of Chester.
CHESTER
I figure that it is a big, giant piece of raw fish. And who likes raw fish more than the Asians? I say we equip all the Asians in town with gallons of soy sauce and chop sticks and let them give this thing the burial it deserves!
Chester squints his eyes, and opens and closes his fingers like chopsticks.
SHAUNA
OK. Well, there you have it Seaside. The town has voiced it's opinion. Now, let's speak to one of the marine biology students.
DOLPH is a Russian student. He has a square head and is tall. He waves to the camera.
SHAUNA
Welcome, Mr. Dolph I-gone-for-gillif. You are a…
DOLPH
(interrupting, Russian accent)
Igonkorloff.
SHAUNA
Iguana-kill-griff.
DOLPH
Igonkorloff.
SHAUNA
Eegon-carl-loft.
DOLPH
Igonkorloff.
SHAUNA
Anyways, Mr. I-go-con-laugh, you are a marine biology student at the Portland Community College? This must be an exciting moment for you and your friends, or should I say "comrades?"
Shauna winks at the camera.
DOLPH
Yes, Shauna. We are feeling good that we made the right decision. We discussed all possible ways of disposing of the whale and we have come to a conclusion.
SHAUNA
Go on, we are all anxious to know.
DOLPH
We plan to blow it up.
Dolph motions with his hands like something is blowing up. Shauna stands confused.
SHAUNA
Blow it up? Like a firecracker?
DOLPH
No, no. We will not use firecrackers. We will strap high quantities of explosive to it and blow it into lots of little pieces for all the other sea creatures to eat.
SHAUNA
Aren't you afraid that it will be messy? What if it explodes into a few large pieces or what if it just blows a huge hole into the ground? Or what if…
BROTHER HECTOR stumbles in front of them both.
BROTHER HECTOR
Fuck'em a
ll! Fuck the oil companies and the cruise liners and the aliens!
Chester tackles Brother Hector, stands up, and dusts the sand off himself.
CHESTER
You see what happens when you deprive a man of red meat!
Shauna steps up close to the camera.
SHAUNA
(quickly)
That's all for now. We will back later this evening for the explosion.
Behind Shauna, Kenny still stares blankly into the camera.
CUT TO:
INT: MINNIE'S MART.
Numbers and Simon stare at a television behind the clerk.
INSERT: TELEVISION
Kenny stands as still as a statue while Chester picks sand out of his ass. Shauna waves to the camera with Dolph. Behind them is the dead whale.
BACK TO SCENE
Numbers throws down a ten-dollar bill and scrambles out the door with Simon. They accidentally knock over a cardboard display of goldfish crackers.
The Jeep SCREECHES out of the parking lot.
CUT TO:
EXT: BOARDWALK.
The sky is dark and neon lights illuminate the people populated boardwalk. Kids scurry around chomping on bubble gum. College students smoke cigarettes and laugh obnoxiously. Tourists fumble with maps and photography equipment.
Kenny and Chester stroll along.
CHESTER
It is nine-thirty. We have an hour until they show up. C'mon, one more beer. I swear it will be quick. Don't let me lose my beer-buzz, man.
KENNY
I need to focus, Chester. I am calling it quits at two.
CHESTER
Fine. But I am at my best when the cerveza is flowing through my veins. It puts me in the zone, man! I am like a frickin' hawk flying high above, looking for that little field mouse.
Kenny walks away. Chester raises his hands and CLAWS at the air unaware that he no longer holds the attention or company of Kenny.
CHESTER
(continuing)
And then I swoop down and grapple that little rodent. I crunch through his little