Out to Find Freedom

by Lila Rose

  “Let’s go,” Julian said cheerily.

  Don’t look back. Don’t look back.

  I looked back. Ryan stood on the porch, leaning against the wall just to the side of the house. Since it was dark, I couldn’t make out his expression. My betraying bottom lip trembled. I quickly bit down on it.

  He had been a part of my days for so long.

  I didn’t want to go.

  I didn’t want to walk away from him.

  “Hey,” Julian whispered. My body jolted and I faced him. He smiled sadly. “You can go back to him. He won’t mind you staying there.”

  Roughly, I wiped my eyes. “No, I’m okay.” That part of my life was over. I had a feeling it included Ryan Warden as well, and that hurt me more than the scars Gloria inflicted.

  Sighing, I quickly slid into the car and didn’t look back out. Julian closed the door. Killer started his bike as Julian came around the car and got in. He started it, and out the corner of my eye, I caught him wave.

  I didn’t look.

  Too afraid I’d get out of the car and run back to Ryan, begging him to let me stay by his side. Too worried I would burst into tears.

  Ryan had been a part of my life for over two months. He’d been my distraction and my lifeline, and inevitably, my attraction to him had grown.

  Had it grown into something that I never should have felt?

  Possibly.

  But I wouldn’t change it. I knew the type of man he was, and he deserved to have my affection. Even if he didn’t know about it.

  The car moved away. I gripped my phone tighter and clenched my jaw to stop from saying anything. I closed my eyes to keep the tears behind them. My stomach churned, my pulse raced, and the back of my neck broke out in a sweat. I tapped my feet to the floor in a nervous patter.

  “Are you okay?” Julian groaned at his own question. “I mean… Warden and you, something happened?”

  Snorting, I opened my eyes, only to have them water. I wiped them away jerkily. “No.” I shook my head. More tears fell. “Only….” I shrugged, then winced when my side twinged. I glanced out the window. “He… was next door and….” I puffed out an annoyed breath.

  “I think I get it,” Julian said. “You’ve had him next door for a while. You’re used to him. From what I heard, you two talked a little.”

  I shrugged again. “Just a little.” My eyes drifted down to my phone.

  “Well, you know he’ll only be a phone call away.”

  “I wouldn’t call him.”

  I could feel Julian’s eyes on me as we stopped at a red light. The rumble of Killer’s bike had me looking out the window again to see him next to us. He gave me a nod. I waved lamely.

  “Why?” Julian asked when we drove off again.

  “He’s done enough. He doesn’t need me pestering him.” Did that sound whiny? I wasn’t sure, but the words rang true. Ryan didn’t need someone like me in his life.

  “I don’t think he’d agree with that,” Julian said as he pulled into a driveway. I glanced out the back window to see Killer behind us. He climbed off his bike. Julian went on when he turned off the car. “Warden isn’t built like that. He cares. He may seem gruff, but he has a heart of a big squishy teddy bear. A lot of the men in our family and group of friends do.” He looked out the windscreen and his smile grew. “Speaking of teddy bears, there’s mine.”

  A man who looked younger than Julian walked towards the car. He had a small smile on his lips, but it widened when Julian waved crazily.

  At least Julian was distracted from our previous conversation. He was sweet to say Ryan wouldn’t agree with my thoughts. Even if that was the case, I couldn’t ring Ryan. I had to distance myself from him. For my own sake.

  Julian’s door popped open, and the man stuck his head in. “Hey,” he greeted Julian, his eyes raking all over him and softening.

  “Hi, poppet,” Julian cooed. He grabbed the man’s chin, kissed him quickly, and then moved his face to look at me. “Look what I found. A dove. My dove, this is my better half, Mathew. But his friends call him Mattie. Poppet, this is our Emmie.”

  “Hey, Emmie.”

  “Hi, Mattie.” We both laughed.

  It felt foreign coming out of my mouth, but I had a feeling many people laughed around Julian.

  Something hit the roof of the car, and I let out a squeak. Mattie was pushed back, and Killer’s face appeared. “Sorry,” he bit out.

  “It’s all right,” I told him. It was my fault for being so jumpy.

  “Let’s get inside, yeah?”

  “Aye, aye, captain,” Julian called, then saluted. Killer sighed and disappeared out the door. Mattie walked around the car, came to my side, and opened my door.

  He stepped back. I unclicked my seat belt, gripped my phone, and climbed out of the car. Julian was in front of us, saying, “Come on, let’s get you settled.”

  He always seemed so energetic and happy. I wondered if he’d always been like that. He held the front door open to a cute weatherboard house. Mattie came up behind me and explained, “This used to be my sister’s house. But when Zara and Talon got hitched, she moved out to live with him and the kids in his home. It’s small, just two bedrooms, but Julian and I love it.”

  “That we do.” Julian curled an arm around Mattie’s shoulders and tugged him close. “You’ll have a room right next to ours. Just ignore the moaning—” Mattie slapped a hand over Julian’s mouth. When Mattie turned red, laughter bubbled out of me.

  Honestly, it was no wonder they called Julian into situations. He was amazing.

  “He means snoring. Ignore the snoring that he does all on his own,” Mattie said.

  Julian rolled his eyes as he grabbed Mattie’s hand and pulled it down. “That’s right, poppet.”

  “Before you show her the room to crash in,” Killer said. When he had my eyes, he went on, “I’ll be around. If it’s not me patrolling outside, it’ll be one of my brothers. They’ll all have the same club vest, different patches, but the same one. If any of you see someone without a vest, call the club.”

  “We will,” Mattie replied.

  “Not our first rodeo, cowboy,” Julian said.

  Killer’s jaw clenched. He nodded, turned, and walked out of the house.

  “Thank you,” I called. He waved over his shoulder.

  Julian came up beside me and put his arm around me while Mattie closed the front door and locked it. “Don’t you worry about those biker guys. They don’t talk much, and when they do, they sound like cavemen, but they’re the best kind of men there are. Well, besides me and my poppet.”

  I believed him. They all seemed to be willing to help me, no matter what.

  Julian hugged me to his side. “Come check out your room.”

  Your room.

  He hadn’t said their spare room but your room.

  Already they treated me as if I was a part of their group. Appreciation swelled inside of me. I hadn’t felt kindness in such a long time.

  Julian led me down the hall with Mattie following. He chatted the whole way while ignoring my tears and wobbly bottom lip.

  As Julian told me about where I could find things, Mattie stepped up close. He bumped his shoulder into mine. “Are you okay?” he whispered.

  Wiping at my face, I told him, “I think I will be.” Especially once the fourth man was behind bars like the rest of those foul, hurtful, disgusting people.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  EMERSON

  A scream tore out of my mouth. I opened my eyes and blinked quickly into the room. A room I was becoming very familiar with since it had been mine for a month. Dimly lit from the night light I had plugged into the power point below the window, I tried to control my breathing. I focussed on the small light, appreciating it as much as I despised it. What adult needed a darn night light?

  My door burst open and Julian stumbled in. At least he was clothed. The first night I’d woken, screaming from a nightmare—the first evening in their home—Julian r
aced in sporting a naked body and a baseball bat.

  “Where, where?” he’d shouted, turning this way and that.

  Mattie had appeared next, holding a knife, though he wore boxers. “What is it?” he asked. Within seconds, he’d taken in the room, seen no threat, and guessed, “Nightmare?”

  I’d nodded with my hand over my eyes.

  “Oh, my poor dove. Julian’s here for you.” The bed had dipped. I’d gasped, opened my eyes, and found Julian climbing on the bed.

  Mattie had grabbed his shoulders and pulled him from it. “Okay, hero, how about you get dressed first or let me handle this?”

  His eyes had widened as he glanced down at himself, covering his junk and chuckling. “Sorry about that. Bet you’ll have nice dreams now.”

  Mattie had once again grabbed his shoulders and turned him towards the door.

  With a shove, he ordered, “Go. I’ve got this.”

  “I know, my poppet. Night, night, dovey dove,” Julian called before disappearing.

  “Ah… goodnight,” I replied.

  Mattie had tiredly run a hand over his face. He’d glanced at me, and we’d both started laughing. He’d made his way to the bed and lay on the blankets. He told me of the first time he met Julian. How freaked out he’d been because he’d been so attracted to Julian though he hadn’t even come out to anyone. He told me about Julian and what his parents were like. My heart had splintered and then cracked for the wonderful man. Never would I have thought Julian had been through something so devastating because of how he was now. He’d just proven to me that things could get better if we had the right people in our lives, and because he was strong. I wasn’t sure if I could be that strong, but I wanted to try. I’d cried, sometimes talked, but Mattie did the most of it. Until I’d drifted off to sleep once more.

  After the first night, my waking from fright happened so often that either Julian or Mattie would come to bed with me, and when I woke, because I always woke, they would lull me back to sleep with stories.

  That was until I told them it had to stop. I was already in their house, interrupting their time together. I wouldn’t burden their sleep by having them become my security blanket.

  “You okay?” Julian asked.

  I groaned, flopping back to the mattress. “This is becoming too much. I have to move out.”

  He stomped into the room, his hands moving to his hips. “Now you stop that. My dove is allowed to have nightmares because she was in a fucked-up situation.”

  “Every night for the last month?”

  “Yes, dammit,” he snapped. “Don’t be hard on yourself, Emmie. I won’t let you.”

  I hit the mattress with my fist. It was just so frustrating. I was away from them, from that house. I had beautiful, kind friends with Julian and Mattie. They made sure I always had what I wanted. Julian didn’t mind at all using my bank card Violet, Ryan’s boss, had found in Gloria’s purse. Especially since I surprisingly had enough in the account to make sure I didn’t go without until I turned twenty-five.

  I had nothing to complain about…. Well, except for the matter of Phillip Burrows. He was the main player in his and Gloria’s little setup of selling their rape videos on the black market. Unfortunately, by the time Lan found out who he was, Burrows had already taken off, disappearing from his family and friends. All connections. Gloria must have gotten word to him about what had happened. We didn’t know if he was overseas by now, or waiting in a corner to fulfil Gloria’s wishes to make me pay. How we’d found his name was from the girl who’d been attending a school pretending to be me. She was his niece. Her mother, Phillip’s sister, had been addicted to meth and threatened her daughter to go through with it to keep her supply of drugs coming in. The girl had been taken into protective custody in case her uncle or mother, who was in jail, went after her for some reason.

  Somehow, they’d managed to keep the whole case out of public record for now, but the families of all involved had been notified and asked not to go public with it yet. There was something about an ongoing sting operation. I didn’t really understand, but that was fine. I was just relieved. I didn’t want people to know what had happened to me. I hadn’t even reached out to Harriet. I felt terrible for not wanting to speak with her, but I wasn’t ready for it and all the questions that would come. Then again, Julian told me I shouldn’t have felt too bad because she hadn’t come looking for me either, and she knew what I’d been through.

  People still freaked me out. Especially large crowds and women. It had been a couple of days later when there was a knock at the door. My body had reacted, but mainly because I’d thought it could be Ryan. It still held out some type of expectation that Ryan would come and want to spend time with me. I’d ignored my dancing belly and watched Julian open the front door. There were a group of women standing there. My throat had closed over as a shiver had torn through me. I’d jumped up and run from the room like the coward I was.

  Julian had come in later and told me that had been Mattie’s sister and her crew. While he’d assured me they were nice women, I couldn’t bring myself to meet them.

  “It’s okay, my dove. They understand, and I do too. When you’re ready, you can meet them. Maybe one at a time.”

  I’d nodded, and he’d hugged me close, then left the room.

  I’d felt like a complete moron and had wanted to rush back out there and meet them, act normal and happy and safe… but I hadn’t been able to move from the bed.

  Maybe one day that would change. All I had to do was wait for it.

  I hoped it was soon.

  “You’re thinking too hard,” Julian commented from the doorway. The hallway light was on so I squinted, allowing my eyes to adjust.

  “Why are you dressed?”

  He laughed. “I’m not a nudist yet, Emmie. I do like clothes.”

  I sat up and shook my head. “No. I mean, why are you dressed at—” I lit up my phone on the bedside table. “—one o’clock. You and Mattie are like granddads. You’re always in bed early like me. Why are you awake?”

  He sighed, then came all the way in and sat on the bed next to me. He grabbed my phone and started fiddling with it. “We had a visitor,” he mumbled.

  My heart skipped a beat and I tensed. “Who?”

  He didn’t answer right away, and it caused my pulse to race. Julian glanced at me, passing my phone. I took it without looking at it.

  His eyes widened. “No one bad,” he reassured and curled me into his side with an arm around my shoulders. I didn’t understand why it was so easy for me to receive affection from Julian and Mattie, but I was grateful for it. “It’s okay, dovey dove. Nothing bad.”

  “Then who would come here so late?”

  “Warden.”

  “Ryan,” I whispered, and it sounded like I was shocked by a magical creature. In a way, I guessed Ryan was one. I hadn’t seen him since leaving his house that night. All I knew was that he’d been working the case. More recently he was out searching for Phillip Burrows.

  Other than that information, I’d heard nothing.

  Messaging him never strayed far from my mind, but I stuck to my guns and didn’t. I was sure my phone was getting worn down by the number of times I looked at our exchanged messages though. I hadn’t seen his last one until I opened it the day after getting to Julian’s.

  But Ryan had been here. Why?

  I cleared my throat. “Um… what was he here for?”

  Julian played with my hair, twirling it around and through his fingers. I loved it when he did that. He seemed to know it relaxed me, because I started to settle into him more.

  “He popped in to see how you were.”

  Forget relaxing.

  I sat up and turned to Julian. “He did?”

  He smiled knowingly. Yes, he knew my obsession with Ryan. After I’d asked about the man so many times, Julian sat me down and asked exactly what went on between us. He didn’t give me hope to think I could have something, even a friendship, with the m
an. He just listened and then said at the end, “You never know what the future may bring.”

  “Yeah, he was in the area and saw the light on. It was lucky it was the one night I stayed up.”

  I wanted to shake Julian to give me all the information in seconds.

  “And?” I pushed, throwing my phone to the bed.

  He reached up and tugged on a strand of hair. “And I told him you were doing well.”

  “Julian,” I scolded.

  Julian shrugged. “He wasn’t here long, but I may have mentioned the nightmares. He gave me something that he thought could help if you can’t get back to sleep right away.”

  “What?” I whispered.

  He picked up my phone and pressed a few things on there. The next second, music started up.

  My breath caught as I drew it in sharply.

  I was over crying. I’d cried a billion times. Only a couple of times had there been tears of happiness, and this was one of those moments.

  Ryan had suggested music.

  Straight away, it conjured up the image of Ryan singing—even though it wasn’t his voice or a song he’d played before. A small smile slowly crept onto my lips.

  How could I have been so stupid? Of course music would work for me. I could have hit myself for not thinking of it sooner. Though, I was glad I hadn’t, because then Ryan wouldn’t have been able to suggest it.

  “This music is something you like?” Julian asked.

  I nodded.

  “Country?”

  “Yes. Country had always been playing when I was with my dad.” I’d also heard an amazing man sing a certain song, which happened to be the moment my feelings had grown for him.

  “Where did you use to live before…?”

  Reaching out, I took my phone from his hand and smiled down at it. “A long way out of town on a lot of acres. My dad was a farmer, but he also owned a couple of food stores, along with stocks and shares.” I glanced up. “He didn’t run them. His life was on the land.”

  “You miss him,” he said.