Out to Find Freedom

by Lila Rose

  “You’re really safe now, my dove,” Julian said, giving my waist a squeeze.

  I lifted my gaze to his. “I am,” I whispered, then smiled.

  But would being safe give me the strength to go out in the world without a care?

  Maybe in time, yes.

  It always came down to time. At least now I knew I had more time on my hands than I thought I ever would. There would be no more thinking of dying.

  I was free.

  “Woman” was called.

  Before I could see who it was, I caught Zara grumbling under her breath. Then, with a tight smile firm on her lips, she turned. Mattie’s arms dropped away.

  “Here they go,” Ivy sang low.

  My brows dipped in confusion until Zara planted her hands on her hips and glared at Talon. “Don’t you ‘woman’ me, Talon Marcus. You do not run out of here holding a gun, saying there’s a situation, and scare the heck out of me.”

  He rolled his eyes. “Woman, there was a situation.”

  “I know that, Talon, but every time you go out guns ablazing, do you think you could take a second to kiss me and tell me you love me? The last thing I said to you was that you were a jerk and weren’t getting any tonight. Do you think I want to remember that’s the last thing you’ll think about if something happens?”

  His smirk was cocky. “Kitten, I had it in hand. You had nothin’ to worry about. Plus, I know you were talkin’ shit. I so am gettin’ some tonight and you know it.”

  She threw her hands up in the air. “That’s beside the point.”

  Were they really talking about sex in front of everyone? I glanced around. A lot of the group seemed amused by the scene, but I got the feeling this wasn’t out of the ordinary. No one was as shocked as I was with my wide eyes and gaping mouth.

  He got close to her, slid an arm around her, and dragged her into him. When he whispered something in her ear, she nodded but smacked his chest. I heard him chuckle and then murmur something else. Then she kissed him.

  Julian’s finger tapped my chin. I snapped my mouth closed and he laughed. “It’s all right. They argue all the time, but the chemistry they have together makes up for it.”

  Not sure what to say, I nodded.

  I wanted that.

  Wanted what Zara had with Talon.

  What Killer had with Ivy, and Julian with Mattie.

  I wanted someone to care about and love with fierceness.

  Of course I thought of Ryan, but I pushed his image away quickly before it could take hold and let my surprisingly good mood, considering everything that had happened, fade.

  Ivy caught my gaze. “How about I show you the rooms? I’m sure you’re tired after everything. I know I would be. I mean”—she rolled her eyes—“I know I’m here late, but it was a night out with my man, and we like those nights late. Thank God I have people who work for me or else I’ll be dead on my feet tomorrow. And since Zara was here earlier, she decided to hang, especially when Nancy and Richard, her parents, offered to have the kids for the night.”

  “Babe,” Killer said, though he did it smiling.

  “Right.” She clapped. “Rooms. Let’s go.” We left Talon and Zara behind and made our way down another hall. I got a few looks from some of the men around. None of them made my skin crawl like Lenny’s used to. I felt reassured by it.

  Trust.

  It was time to show them I could trust, that I could be brave, even after what just happened.

  We stopped at a door, which Ivy opened. “For Mattie and Julian.”

  “Actually, Mattie will stay in here. I’ll be with Emmie,” Julian told her. She looked to me, and already I was shaking my head.

  “No. You stay with your man.”

  “Dove—”

  I rested my hands on his chest. “I know after what just happened, you would think I’d be in a state. You would think staying in someplace new would add to it also, but I’m not. I can’t say I won’t wake you having nightmares, but that’s normal for us.” I smiled, as did Julian. “I know I’m safe. I know I’m free, and I know I can trust these people around me. Let me show that, at least, by being able to stay in a room on my own in a place I don’t know.”

  His hand covered mine. He leaned in and kissed my temple. “Okay, my brave dove.”

  “Thank you,” I whispered. Mattie came forward, gave me a hug, and they both walked into the bedroom, closing the door behind them. I looked down the hall where we’d come from and my body tingled in apprehension. I forced it to stop. I faced Ivy and Killer.

  “My room’s there?” I pointed to the one behind them, next to Julian and Mattie’s.

  Ivy nodded. Slowly, she reached out and took my hand in hers. She guided me to the door and opened it. “It’s not the best place to stay. Not like the Sheraton or anything. But seriously, I can’t see bikers wanting to stay at a place like that; it’d be too toffy for them.” She laughed. “At least this place is clean, warm, and more welcoming than a hotel. All the doors have locks, and this room has its own en suite. I gave it to you and not the guys because us women need a bathroom close. Though, Julian probably looks at himself more than we would.” She waved her hands around. “I’m not being mean or anything. I’m just saying he’s good-looking. He makes sure of it with all his routines. You know what I mean, right?”

  Her bumbling words reminded me of how comfortable I felt with Julian right away. Ivy was the same. The way she was could put a smile on anyone’s face. To put her at ease, I said, “I know what you mean. I’ve seen all his routines; it’s no wonder his skin is perfect.”

  “Exactly.” She smiled and we both laughed. I tensed when she hugged me next. If she felt it, she didn’t react, but she pulled back and said, “I hope you get some much-needed rest.”

  “Thank you.” I glanced at Killer. “Thanks again for—”

  He grabbed the back of Ivy’s neck and gently ushered her into walking. “Don’t mention it.”

  Smiling, I waved at Ivy before Killer shut the door. I went over to lock it and then spun back around, leaning against it. Even though my heart had crawled up into my throat at the thought of being alone in there, I still moved away from the door and got into the fresh-smelling bed.

  I could do this.

  It was the start of my new beginning, because I was finally and completely free.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  EMERSON

  Even though all of the people from my nightmares had been behind bars for six months and I knew I was safe, I still woke some nights screaming and sweating. It might’ve had something to do with living on my own now. The quietness to the house. There wasn’t a Julian coming in to wake me. No Mattie to brush my hair at night when we watched Santa Clarita’s Diet.

  At least they weren’t far. We could still do those things. I could still see them every day if I wanted to, since they were right next door. With Dad’s life insurance, I’d purchased Talon’s property that he never really used but kept because he didn’t want anyone in the house.

  It was amazing to know I had them right next door, but it was the waking late at night that I didn’t like doing on my own. The music helped, a lot, and I knew one day the dreams would end. I just hoped it would be soon. However, it didn’t look like it.

  I rolled over in bed. My room was lit by another night light. This one was a moving-in gift from Julian. It wasn’t one that plugged straight into the power point. It was on a cord that sat on my bedside table. It was of a moon sitting on clouds. While it seemed childish, I loved it.

  I loved all of the things in my room and house. It was only a small, one-bedroom unit, but it was mine. I’d paid for it fair and square. And having a place I could call my own, that was safe, was worth the quietness.

  Things were slowly coming together in my life. I had a job. In fact, it was my own business designing logos. I started doing courses online, everything I could learn to make sure I’d get my bachelor’s degree in graphic design. Photoshop was tricky to get around at the start,
since I was used to drawing, but I was getting there. Somehow, while studying, I still managed to gain a few clients as I worked on my degree. Thankfully, those clients were happy with what I produced on paper and not computer and promised to spread the word about my work. I also mentioned to them that I would soon be up to date with some desktop design software, including that darn Photoshop. The best part about it all was how I got to work from home, doing whatever hours I wanted, at my little setup in the corner of my living room.

  I’d gained weight, though I was sure most of it went to my butt and stomach, but I didn’t mind. I was happy with how I looked…. Sort of, at least. I never went out of the house, even on the hot days, without a long-sleeved top and something to cover my legs. I didn’t want people to see my scars. That was an insecurity I wouldn’t get over fast.

  I’d been out of the house more than I wanted, mainly because of Julian or Ivy dragging me to places.

  The first time I went in public, Julian took me to Donny’s grave. I sat there crying the whole time and apologising while Julian held me. Guilt was still raw over what happened to him. I didn’t think I would ever stop blaming myself; it was something I’d have to learn to live with. Eventually.

  The second time we went out was for a celebratory dinner with Julian, Mattie, Ivy, Killer, Zara, Talon, Violet—who still scared me a little because she was a little on the feisty side—her husband, Travis, and Butch. No Ryan. He’d been busy apparently. They hired out a private room at a restaurant to celebrate the incarceration of the people who’d tried to destroy my life. Gloria, Lenny, Jarrod, and Phillip Burrows had been sentenced to forty years behind bars. They wouldn’t be up for parole for two decades, and by then, they’d either be dead or would be too old to even think of revenge. At least I hoped.

  What was better had been the lead-up to the court case. I hadn’t had to face them. My drawings, book, and interview had been enough so I didn’t have to make an appearance in the court. Plus they had so much footage of the young women who they’d harmed as hard evidence. My name and face had been all over the TV. Reporters wanted to interview me, but to my surprise, and relief, Violet took care of everything—her number was listed as my contact. Talon had also suggested keeping my name off the house title for now, until things died down and my case was old news. I couldn’t agree more, so he’d be keeping his name on there until people forgot about me.

  The day after our celebratory dinner, Julian took me to the hairdresser, where they trimmed and layered my long dark hair. When I’d seen the finished cut in the mirror, I’d gasped and slowly reached up to touch my soft locks. It made me feel beautiful, and for the rest of the day, I moved with a new spring in my step. Other times I ventured out, my new friends took me to the bookstore or to Ivy’s café, and a couple of times we went to the movies. Though the movies I didn’t like so much due to it always being busy. I hadn’t yet been to any shopping centres, fearing the large crowds. I wasn’t sure why crowds made me lose my breath, but they did.

  Heck, I’d even been on a date. It was with a regular customer of Ivy’s. He was a tradesman, but she assured me he was sweet. He had been. We got along well enough, made small talk over dinner as we sat in a diner, one Ivy knew wasn’t busy.

  By the end of it though, we’d both known it wouldn’t work. He’d dropped me back to Ivy’s café, where she’d been waiting for me since I refused to be picked up from home. I hadn’t wanted him to know where I lived. When he’d left Ivy’s café, we’d hugged. He hadn’t even gone in for a kiss. While we’d enjoyed each other’s time together, he wasn’t….

  He wasn’t the one I wanted to be out with.

  The one I wanted to talk with.

  The one I dreamed of.

  He wasn’t the man who constantly played on my mind.

  It annoyed and angered me.

  Why wasn’t I good enough for Ryan?

  Was it my age? My personality? Then again, he had never taken the time to get to know the real me. Could it be my looks? My scars?

  I didn’t know, and I’d been wondering a lot lately if I should try and reach out myself.

  If I texted, would he answer?

  If I rang—though even the thought made me break out in a sweat—would he answer?

  Reaching out, I stroked a finger over my phone.

  I picked it up and rolled to my back, lighting up the screen. First, I went to Spotify—the app Julian had installed for the music—and pressed on my folder for country music. It started with a song about breaking hearts, and even though it was sad, I smiled. I grinned because it was country music and it always reminded me of Ryan.

  I licked my dry lips and went into my messages.

  My stomach and heart felt one and the same, like they both wanted out of my body before I did what I was about to do.

  I pulled the covers up more. Even on the warm nights, my body chilled with nerves.

  Once I read over the questions he’d sent me so many months ago, it was finally time to answer them. Then the ball would be in his court. If he messaged back, I would know he wanted something from me. Even if it was friendship, I wouldn’t complain because Ryan would be in my life. My heart may hurt for a while, but I would make myself get over it.

  I’ve never had nachos, but my favourite food right now would be… pizza. Who doesn’t love a good slice of barbeque meatlovers? Having gone without pizza for such a long time, when I’d tried it again with Julian and Mattie, I decided there and then that I would eat it every day for the rest of my life. If I could get away with it. Along with chocolate, of course.

  To answer about reading, yes, I love it. I read over watching TV all the time.

  Of course you had to ask if I liked sports. The answer is I’ve never really watched any. I might like football, as you do, but I haven’t figured that out yet. I wished I had the strength to add that I’d find out with him when he watched it, but I didn’t.

  When you asked: Is Emmie short for something? And you provided your guesses, I laughed at each one of them. Especially Emmit. At least you know what it’s short for now. I still found myself laughing over his suggestions.

  Has Butch stolen any more lunches from you? Have you hit him yet for it?

  You questioned: Are you okay? I can finally say, yes, I am okay. And it had a lot to do with his help.

  Do you like Disney? I’ve never really seen a Disney movie. Before my dad died, I spent my days on the farm, mainly feeding the animals, cleaning up after them, mowing, cleaning, and sometimes cooking if I wanted to eat something without wanting to throw up. Dad’s cooking had been hit and miss. It was miss a lot of the times. Still, he was the best Dad there was.

  When you wrote: Some days I hate my job when I can’t find the answers I want. My heart went out to you. I didn’t know at the time what you did for a living. Now I understand it more, and I hope with whatever you’re working on you find the answers fast.

  It took me five goes to press Send. Immediately, I regretted it, having forgotten it was so late. I hoped I hadn’t woken him; that would be annoying.

  When I didn’t receive anything back half an hour later, I forced myself to put my phone down and roll away from it. Eyes wide open, I stared at the wall, my brain working overtime. Had I made the right choice in texting him?

  Had I come across too strong? Could he tell I liked him from my answers? Did he think I was just a naïve young girl hero-worshipping him?

  What would happen if I mentioned that time I saw him with the woman? How it made me feel, how I wished it was me who he was with?

  No, that would definitely be embarrassing, creepy, and could make me sound like a foolish little girl.

  Even when I wished Ryan would be my first.

  Which was crazy, because I hardly knew him, and yet I still felt like I did.

  Maybe it was because of all of the time I’d spent watching him without him noticing me. Though, honestly, I couldn’t deny my attraction to the man. Right from the start, even with all the men I’d seen,
Ryan had stood out above them all. Was it just attraction leading my heart and mind? I didn’t know, but I wanted to find out what or if we could be something to each other.

  I would have to wait and see if he messaged back, but I refused to stay up all night thinking about it all.

  Closing my eyes, I listened to the music and hoped it would take me into slumber.

  Eventually it did, but the dream I had didn’t help.

  It was of Ryan and me out on his back deck. We were drinking, talking, and I braved it enough to approach him sitting on his chair. I straddled his thighs and told him he’d been the only one for me.

  He stared up and smiled. His hand slid to the back of my neck and he drew my mouth down towards his, but before our lips touched, I woke with the sun shining through the gaps in the curtain. I rolled to my back and cursed at the ceiling. I thought about going back to sleep, to chase the dream, but I knew it would be useless. Instead, I got up, showered, and started my day. I only looked at my phone every few minutes, but still, by the end of the day, there was no reply. No matter how many times I checked.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  WARDEN

  What in the fuck was I doing there? Just because Julian had mentioned Emmie had a set routine, which included one day a week when she visited Ivy’s coffee shop as she worked on her laptop, I was there like a stalker. She’d messaged me just a few days ago, answering the questions I’d sent at the start. When she’d been held in the basement.

  I wanted to reply. Fuck, I really wanted to, but I didn’t.

  I couldn’t lead her on, even if it was just friendship she wanted from me. I couldn’t give that to her, not when I wanted more. And she was too damn young. I had to remind myself of the fact over and over.