by A. M. Wilson
And I let him.
This is different than the last kiss. The fear is gone, replaced with a desire for more.
More.
More.
Alex wrenches his head from mine on a sigh, burying his face in my neck.
“Why’d you stop?” I pant and attempt to look at his face.
He holds me still, cupping the side of my head with his palm. “Gettin’ carried away,” he mumbles
I frown, but he can’t see it. “I don’t understand.”
He chuckles into the couch. “You asked for a kiss.”
I shift uncomfortably. “I thought that’s what we were doing.”
“We were. You asked for a kiss. You didn’t ask for me to dry fuck you into my living room couch.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“Um, are you all right?” He hasn’t moved. Only the steady rise and fall of his back lets me know he’s breathing.
“I just need a sec, blossom.”
Then it dawns on me. He is hard. “Oh!”
Alex’s responding grunt makes me laugh. He lifts his head, his dark eyes locking onto mine. “Thank you, beautiful.”
My laugh dies an early death at the raw open expression on his face. “You’re welcome.”
He peels himself off me in a push-up motion and sits back against the cushions, but not before snagging me around the waist and dragging me with him. I snuggle up into the warmth of his broad chest and loop my arm lightly around his stomach.
“Are we all settled now with this appointment?”
The mention has my stomach flipping again, but we’ve argued about it enough. I know he has my best interests at heart, and above all, I trust him.
“As long as you promise to go with me.”
“Done. It’s in two days.”
I tilt my chin toward him. “That’s soon.”
His eyes flit to mine. “The sooner, the better.” His tone is dark, but he says no more. He doesn’t have to.
I shift so that my knee falls over his lap. “What am I going to do about paying for this? I don’t have insurance. I don’t even have a legal name.”
“You aren’t going to pay for anything.” He brushes his thumb over my knee. “I’ll pay what needs to be paid, and this doctor knows of your situation. Let’s just say it’s off the books. As far as your name, we can go to the courthouse and start the process at any time.”
“I want to go as soon as possible. Can we go today?” The thought of having my new name in the legal sense fills me with hope.
Alex glances at his watch. “Grab your coat. We have plenty of time.”
Without thought, I lean over and peck him on the cheek. “Be right back,” I tell him and dash into his room.
Through all the changes I’ve been through, this feels like the best one. The freshest start. A new, legal name. I knew after I first woke up that I didn’t want to go back to who I used to be. I wasn’t that girl anymore, even though I couldn’t remember who she was. After the fog lifted, the memories returned. I had a mother and her best friend, Bea, who I called my aunt. Eventually, I’m going to have to let them know I’m okay. I’m alive. Even if I’m not the girl they used to know and they might not accept me.
But that’s starting to feel okay.
Because I’ve found a new family. A man who put me above his priorities and treated me like a friend.
And a man I’m beginning to love.
Chapter Fifteen
Sin
I glance over at the woman beside me resting her head against the window. Long lashes brush the tops of her cheeks from her closed eyelids. The only way I know she’s awake is everyone so often she bobs her head to this Billie Eilish song on the radio. I catalog the information to bring up later. We haven’t dabbled much in music, currently listening to an Indie mix station on satellite, but I catch her swaying around the bar when she’s working with me, and the jukebox is on.
The tired circles beneath her eyes concern me as I steal another glance between focusing on the highway in front of me. We worked a shift last night all the way until close. I called Elias to come see if she wanted to leave around eleven, but she refused. I’m thrilled she’s grown accustomed to being in public a bit more, but she’s wearing herself thin. Between the change in her circumstances and the pain she’s been hiding, plus the bad dreams that still visit regularly, she isn’t sleeping well. Throw in the doctor visit we’re currently driving to, and I know she’s running on fumes.
We’ve been in the car for over an hour now, nearly silent except the radio station. I’d give my left arm to know where her head’s at, but my gut tells me it’s only a matter of time until I find out—roughly fifteen more minutes. If I know anything about Shelby, it’s that she’s worrying herself sick about what’s to come. And I can’t do a fuckin’ thing about it.
Reaching across the console, I grip her left hand in my right one and thread our fingers. She startles, peering at me briefly before closing her eyes again. Her head turning back toward the window sends a sharp pang through me, but it’s quickly soothed by her squeezing my hand.
I break the silence. “Almost there. Do you need to stop for anything?”
“No,” she answers solemnly, not giving more than she has left to give.
“Hang on, blossom,” I urge quietly, beginning to feel sick at the thoughts she’s torturing herself with.
I exit the highway and complete the drive with her dainty hand clamped in mine. I’m not good at this shit. I never was. That’s the entire reason my sister ran away from me and was stolen from my life. Delicacy and tact don’t run through my blood. Even on my best attempts, I still manage to fuck things up. For the first time in my life, I find myself praying it’s not the case here.
I’d give it all to take away the turmoil engulfing my girl. Seeing as I don’t know exactly what’s going on, I can give her my presence. My strength. My hand. And fuck it all, I’ll even give her my heart.
My gut swoops as I park and turn off the vehicle with my left hand, not willing nor able to let her go for that simple task. The silence surrounding us is deafening.
“Are you ready?” I ask somberly.
The subtle shake of her head obliterates my heart. When she faces me, the deadness of her eyes settles in my core.
“Fuck,” I mutter, flinging my seat belt off and yanking her into my arms. “Talk to me,” I demand as I settle her ass against my thighs and her head against my chest.
She shakes her head again and turns her face into my neck.
“I got you. I’m not going anywhere, you hear me? Whatever’s going on inside your head, we’re going to work it out.” I drop a kiss to the crown of her hair. “We, blossom. Not you alone. Never alone.”
Her breath fans rapidly against my neck. “You’ll never look at me the same again.”
“Bullshit,” I growl.
She inhales sharply through her nose. “You can’t say that. You don’t know what’s going to happen in there.”
“Neither do you,” I fire back. “Which is why we gotta bite the bullet and get in there and get it done. You and me, Shelby. Against fuckin’ everything, it’s you and me.”
Finally, something penetrates, and she pulls her face back. Redness rims her eyes, but there’s not a single tear or trail in sight. Strong is an understatement for this woman. Her stare is fierce as her eyes hold mine.
“Don’t leave me alone.”
“I won’t,” I vow.
Together we climb out the driver’s side door and walk into the private practice hand in hand.
The interior looks more like a business office than a doctor’s, but I haven’t been to many, if any, private practices in my life. Two rows of chairs form an ‘L’ shape near the front door with enough seating for six people. The room is hardwood with clean, gray walls and white trimming. It’s all very sterile and clinical. A mahogany receptionist's desk with enough space for one person to sit faces the front door. The woman smiles at us as we
enter. She appears grandmotherly and kind with wrinkles from years of smiling and springy gray curls. Her features soften as she takes in Shelby’s nervous energy.
“Welcome! How can I help you?”
I tug Shelby to the desk. “Shelby Sinclair. Appointment at one.”
I feel her body tense behind me, but I ignore her and fix the receptionist with my stare.
“Of course. Dr. Cruz will be right out to see you.”
“Thanks,” I reply curtly and lead Shelby to the chairs.
Our asses have barely touched the seats before a door to the left of the desk opens up, and a woman in a white coat walks out. Her smile is open and inviting. She approaches with an air of caution and professionalism. I’ll have to remember to thank Doc later if we get out of this appointment with some answers. So far, things appear to be on the right track.
“Hello, Shelby.”
We stand as she approaches, and Shelby shakes her hand.
“I’m Dr. Cruz. If you’ll follow me, I’ll take you to an exam room.”
Shelby spears me a glance that clearly screams come with me. The only thing that’d keep me behind would be her telling me to stay. Fuck that. I lumber slightly ahead of her and follow the doctor through the door. On the other side is a long hallway with two doors on each side and one office straight ahead. She takes us to the second door on the left and steps aside to let us in.
We enter a sterile-looking exam room, complete with an adjustable table with the papery shit on it. Instead of a computer, there’s a small desk with a manila folder on top.
“It’s a small practice,” Dr. Cruz remarks. “It’s not hard to maintain paper files with the number of patients I have. It’s also more secure.” Her eyes flit to Shelby before returning to me. “There’s always the risk I’ll lose something, but without computers, nothing is hackable.”
Shelby and I take a seat, and Dr. Cruz sits at the desk.
“You must be Alex. We spoke on the phone.”
“I am.”
“Well, Shelby, I would like to start with an exam, but first, I need some information. I hear you’ve been having some pain. Can you tell me more about where it is and when it started?”
Shelby’s spine is rigid, and she looks about ready to bolt. Her shoulders rise with a deep breath. “It’s here.” She points to her lower abdomen. “It started about two years ago.”
“Two years is a long time. How often does it hurt?”
The shake in her hands is visible as she cups her stomach. “A few times a month.”
“I see.” Dr. Cruz jots something down. “Can you tell me more about when it started?”
Shelby flinches. “No. I-I don’t know why it hurts. It just does.” She looks frantically between the doctor and me before twisting in her chair and grabbing my hand. “We should go. Please, Alex. I told you she can’t help me.” She yanks on my hand and stands from her chair. “Let’s go.”
I’m torn between giving her exactly what she wants at any cost and making her hear what the doctor has to say. The war within me is interrupted.
“Shelby,” the doctor starts carefully. “It’s okay. I want you to take a deep breath for me.”
“No! Please. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this.” Her eyes fill with tears as she tugs again. “Please.”
I stand at her pleading tone, but before I can acquiesce, Dr. Cruz speaks again.
“I know you’re scared, but you don’t have to be. I know some of the things you went through. Alex shared only what he had to in order for me to understand the urgency. Perhaps my questions startled you, and for that, I apologize. I’m only trying to gather information. Okay?”
“What do you know?” Shelby whispers.
“I know there were men who hurt you. I need to know how bad so I can help.”
“The first thing he did after taking a woman was to make sure she couldn’t get pregnant.”
“Was it birth control? An implant or a shot?”
“No.” The dead quality to her voice raises my hackles. “The failure rate was too high for that. He had to make it permanent.”
“You mean surgery,” Dr. Cruz states plainly. I’m glad she’s here to ask the questions. My control slips with each piece of information revealed. I feel seconds away from storming back to that compound with as much ammo as I can carry and eliminating as many of those fuckers as I can before I’m killed. They’d deserve it. Every one of them.
Shelby regains her seat and huffs without humor. I follow suit. “If you can call it that. It wasn’t sterile. I don’t know how he got the right drugs to knock us unconscious, but he did. The rumor was pregnancies were costing him too much business, so this was his solution. Recovery took around a month, but that was only how long they left us without intercourse. We still had to use our hands and mouths. He used our healing as an opportunity to get us hooked on drugs. It made me forget the pain in my stomach, and at the same time, I became desperate for my next fix.”
Once the flood gates opened, she couldn’t stop sharing. But fuck, I needed her to stop sharing. Imagining her going through hell at the hands of that monster is enough to make me sick. Remembering that my sister was there too? Downright unbearable.
I’m pissed as shit and have to lock that down tight before I scare not only Shelby but the doctor too.
Dr. Cruz telling Shelby her plan cuts through my rage.
“I want to start with a pelvic exam, and then we’ll do an ultrasound if you’re comfortable enough. Both are invasive, to be frank. If you can’t handle it, we can look into other options, but this will be the best way for me to start and take a look around. How does that sound?”
I can feel Shelby looking at me. Schooling my features, I inject as much encouragement as I can manage through my fury and lift my chin. I’m not quite sure what Dr. Cruz means about invasive, but considering she specializes in women’s reproductive health, I can guess the direction this is going.
Shelby’s back straightens, and she looks Dr. Cruz square in the eye. “I’ll be okay. Alex can stay, can’t he?”
Dr. Cruz’s face softens. “Of course. It’s completely up to you.”
“Then I want him to stay.”
It doesn’t take long for Dr. Cruz to wheel in an ultrasound machine and get to work. I step behind a privacy screen so Shelby can undress from the waist down, and I wait until she’s covered with a gown draped over her lap before I return. Dr. Cruz mentioned the gown might give her more comfort than the typical paper sheet, and I’d have to agree. I don’t want to accidentally glimpse something Shelby doesn’t want me to see.
I stay by her head, my hand locked tight to hers as the doctor performs her exam. Every twitch and flinch from Shelby ratchets up my blood pressure, but I remain stoic at her side. The only way I’m leaving is if she tells me to. My own comfort be damned.
As Dr. Cruz explains the ultrasound probe, I can see the fear creeping over Shelby’s face. Leaning down, I kiss the top of her head.
“Speak up, Shelby. You’re doing great, but if you need a minute, just say so.”
She swallows hard and looks up at me. “I want to keep going. I just want it over with.”
I plant a chaste kiss on her pink, pouty lips. “Then let’s get this done so we can get home. Squeeze my hand.”
She follows my suggestion, closing her eyes tight as well. I sense her relax a few seconds later as the doctor clicks around on her computer.
After about ten minutes, the doctor removes the probe and instructs Shelby to dress. I place her clothing on her lap and step back behind the screen.
“All done,” Shelby calls. As I step back into view, she hops down from the table and seats herself back in the chairs. I remain standing at her side. Too much nervous energy flows through my veins to sit right now, and I’m going to have to rein it in for the hour and a half drive home soon.
A knock sounds on the door, and Dr. Cruz steps back in.
“You did very well, Shelby. Let’s talk about what I’ve foun
d.”
I straighten from the wall and place my hand on Shelby’s shoulder.
“Physically, your anatomy feels normal. You do still have a uterus. You said a surgery of some sort was performed to prevent pregnancy. Initially, I thought that meant a hysterectomy. After your ultrasound, it appears this was more likely an attempt to disrupting the fallopian tubes.”
I clench my jaw and exhale sharply.
“I suspect there are damage and scar tissue from the procedure not being performed in a medical setting, and quite possibly by someone with very little medical training. There’s another procedure I’d like to do in the future called a hysteroscopy. It involves using a camera into the uterus to see inside.”
“Is it really necessary?” Shelby asks. “If the damage is already done, what more can I do besides manage the pain?”
“I would like to start you taking NSAIDs for the flare-ups and to help with inflammation. I will also write you a prescription as a last resort if your pain is unbearable. If that controls your pain, we may not need to investigate further. However,” she pauses. “If the pain is unmanaged, a total hysterectomy might be the best course of action to remove the damaged tissues causing the pain.”
My stomach roils violently. All those poor fucking women. My sister. Shelby. “Anything else?”
“Besides grabbing a few labs before you leave today, I’d say that’s all for now. But please keep in touch. I see many patients who go on with their lives and try to live through their pain. I think we can help you with this, at least to keep it at a manageable level.” Dr. Cruz touches Shelby’s knee gently before giving us both a smile and standing.
“Thank you.”
“Yeah, Doc. Thanks.” I reach out to shake her hand. She reciprocates.
“I’ll send in my nurse and get you on your way.”
After a few minutes of bloodwork, we get the discharge instructions and a new prescription, then we get into my car and start the trek home.
