Outcast

by Guerin Zand

  “Maria and I were talking. She said that you and Milly were getting back together.”

  “Well, it’s a lot more complicated than that. We talked. We both admitted we still loved each other and wanted to be together. It took almost the whole night to get her to admit that. Getting back together is a whole other problem. She has her life and responsibilities. God only knows where I’m going from here.”

  Prima nodded that she understood. I’m not sure she really did. Hell, I didn’t understand it.

  “Why would that bother you? We sort of talked about this when you asked to join the crew. I thought we were both clear that neither of us was looking for a romantic relationship.”

  “Yes, I know, but I thought maybe now you wouldn’t want me on your crew.”

  “Why wouldn’t I?”

  “I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking. If you don’t want me to be here I’d understand.”

  “Nothing’s changed. If you want to be on the crew, then I want you to be here. Ok?”

  “Ok.”

  “Is there something else?” Of course, there was. It’s never that simple.

  “I was wondering if it would be ok if I helped out with Gamma? I don’t know, it was nice taking care of her last night and I’d like to spend more time with her.”

  Ok, we were finally getting to what was really bothering her.

  “Of course you can help with Gamma. Didn’t you hear what Stella was saying? Gamma needs to be around people and learn to form relationships. Not just with me. You’d actually be a big help with that. I still have to figure out how to tell her I’m her father. That’s going to be weird.”

  “Oh, Maria already talked to her about that. We girls had a good long talk about things while we gave her a bath and did a little shopping.”

  “Great, I guess. I saw how you looked at her last night. How protective you were. Have you ever thought about having children of your own? I’m sure you’d make a great mother after seeing you with Gamma.”

  Ok, I fucked up!

  “I can’t.” This was the first time I ever saw such sadness in Prima’s expression. She was usually quiet and maybe a bit withdrawn, but I can’t say I ever saw her sad. Of course, she had more reason than most to be sad. I felt bad because this made me realize that I didn’t really know her that well.

  “Why not?”

  “They did things to us when we were young. A sex slave isn’t meant to have children.”

  “Have you talked to anyone from the Collective about this? Maybe they can...”

  “Yes. Seca and I mentioned this to Stella and she brought us to some doctor for examination. He said it wasn’t a process they could reverse. Our reproductive organs had been removed.”

  “I’m sorry. There are alternatives you know?”

  “Yes. Seca and her man are considering adopting at some point.”

  “You may not think it’s the same, but it is. I had a friend once who had a small daughter. We were really close, and that little girl was always a part of my life. She may not have actually been my daughter but that didn’t matter.”

  “What happened to her?”

  “She’s gone now. Just like most of my friends and family on Earth. Even when I was out playing pirate, I still visited her on occasion. I was there when she died.”

  “I’m sorry, Guerin.” She could see the sadness that memory brought back.

  “It’s ok. It’s not like anyone can change the way things are.”

  “Can I ask you some personal questions?”

  “About what, Prima?”

  “Love I guess. I don’t think I understand it. Is that strange?”

  I chuckled a bit. “No one understands it, Prima.”

  “Then how do you know you’re in love?”

  “I’m probably not the best person to ask that question.”

  “But you loved Anna, and you love Milly. When did you know it? How did you know it?”

  “Well, it’s probably different for everybody. For me, I usually didn’t know it until I knew it. Then it was like I knew it all along. Sort of like a temporal paradox of sorts.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Well, with Anna, I probably fell in love with her when I first saw her, but I didn’t realize it then. Yea, sure I felt something, but it wasn’t like it just slammed me in the face. It was always nice to be around her when we first started to see each other. We spent a lot of time together and there came a point where she basically asked me how I felt. That’s when it hit me like someone just whacked me on the head with a big old hammer. That feeling I had when she was with me was love. It had been since the first day when we met and she smiled at me. I was just too stupid to realize it.”

  “How does it feel?”

  “Seriously? That’s not a simple question.”

  “But you have to know. How can you be in love and not know how it feels?”

  “I don’t think it’s the same for everybody. For me, now this may sound stupid or simplistic, it feels nice.”

  “Nice? Are you kidding? That’s it?”

  “Well, not nice, like that’s a nice dress, or, it’s a nice day. I said it wasn’t a simple question.”

  “But nice?”

  “Yes. I felt nice when I was with Anna. It felt nice when we talked. It felt nice when she would slap the back of my head for doing or saying something stupid. It even felt nice a lot of times when she would get angry and yell at me. Right now, I can remember a time when Maria got me in trouble. Anna was yelling at me and calling me names. Now that memory makes me feel nice and I want to smile. It’s like all the nice feelings you know all mixed together into one big drink of nice.”

  “Maybe I should ask someone else about this.”

  “Probably. The best thing would be to try it for yourself.”

  “How am I supposed to do that? I’ve dated my share of men since I’ve been on the Earth ship. None of them made me feel, nice. Mostly it felt nice when they left.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. In case I didn’t mention it earlier, laughing is bad.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “Well, you’re going about it all wrong. Milly and Julie obviously did a shit poor job retraining you. I should have taken you with me to Earth and done it myself.”

  “If you’re so smart, then what am I doing wrong?”

  “First off, you need to get your superpowers under control.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Smile.”

  Prima smiled at me like she always did. She really had no idea what that smile did to a man, no, she knew, but that was how she was trained.

  “See. That’s what I’m talking about. You don’t even realize you’re doing it but that’s not a nice smile. That smile makes a man think of, well you know what it makes a man think about. You need to turn off your seductive superpower and learn to smile a simple nice smile. A smile that says ‘Hi’, not a smile that says, ‘Hi. I’m really good in bed.’”

  “That’s not how I smile.”

  “Yes, it is. We’re probably going to need Maria’s help as well. We have a lot of work to do. There’s literally a boatload of eligible marines onboard. You can use them for practice.”

  “I should have known better than to ask you.”

  “I’m serious, Prima. Why don’t you take a shower and get changed? I’ll go do the same. When you’re ready, come get Maria and me and we’ll go with you to breakfast. You can practice on the marines in the galley. Maria and I will observe and coach you along.”

  “You’re not joking?”

  “No.”

  As I started walking to the door I couldn’t help but laugh. Prima got upset.

  “Why are you laughing at me?”

  I turned around before walking out the door. “I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing because a former sex slave is asking a pirate captain for love advice. If that’s not funny, then what is?”

  As I walked back to my quarters I couldn’t
help but think Stella would like to help out as well. She liked a good challenge.

  I went back to the bedroom in my quarters. Maria and Gamma were still asleep on my bed. I left them there while I took a shower and changed into something clean. When I went back to the bedroom they were still sleeping. I reached down and grabbed up my new daughter. She woke slowly with a cute little smile. I took my foot and gave Maria a nice kick in the ass.

  “Get up!”

  “WHAT?”

  “We have things to do. Get up, take a shower and get dressed. We’re meeting Prima for breakfast. She’ll be here in a while.”

  She grumbled some insult my way as she headed off to the shower. I took Gamma and we plopped down in the rocking chair. It was going to take a while if I knew my daughter.

  “Are you my papa?”

  Gamma was just so cute, I had to smile.

  “Yes, and Maria is your big sister.”

  “I know.”

  “What else do you know?”

  “We’re all going to live together and have lots of fun.”

  “Is that what Maria told you?”

  “Yes.”

  “What else did Maria tell you?”

  “You’re not the smartest papa.”

  “That sounds like something your sister would say. Whatever your sister says, don’t eat anything she gives you.”

  “Why?”

  “Because she only likes food that tastes bad. You don’t want to eat food that tastes bad, do you?”

  “No.”

  “Good. You let me take care of feeding you until you learn to make your own good tasting food.”

  “Ok.”

  Gamma and I spent the next hour talking nonsense to each other while waiting for Maria to get ready for breakfast. I was surprised Prima hadn’t shown up yet. Maria finally made her way back out to meet us in the bedroom. She had showered and changed into a new outfit.

  “You moved your clothes into my quarters?”

  “Just a few outfits. I figured it would be more convenient that way.”

  “Really, Maria? What part of this being the Captain’s quarters do you find so confusing?”

  “Gamma needs her big sister close, and Prima wants to help too. It would probably be best if you found yourself another room.”

  “That’s not happening daughter. We call that sort of thing a mutiny. Do you know what happens to mutineers?”

  “Let me guess. You keel haul them?”

  “That’s right, so you better think again.”

  “Come on, Dad. It doesn’t make any sense you taking up all this room when we could turn it into a nursery for Gamma. Prima and I can move in and it would be perfect for her. You’re not going to have time with all your pirate duties to take care of Gamma.”

  “Let’s get something straight here, darling. Gamma is my daughter and not some new doll for you to play with. She can stay here with me, and you and Prima will stay in your assigned quarters. And I’ve already warned her that you are not allowed to feed her. I won’t have you turning my sweet little daughter into another brain-dead vegan.”

  “Very funny, Dad.”

  “I’m not joking. You keep your vegan ways to yourself, you hear me?”

  “Whatever. I still think...”

  “You can think whatever you want. Your father has spoken.”

  Maria simply pouted just like she used to as a little child. Some things never change.

  “Did you bother to make up an outfit for your sister to wear besides this little bunny onesie?”

  “Yes. Come on, Gamma. Let’s get you changed and ready for breakfast.” Maria reached down and scooped up her little sister. “Let’s leave our grumpy daddy alone so he can calm down. I told you we were going to have a lot of work to do making him a proper daddy.”

  It only took a few minutes to get Gamma changed and ready. I wondered at what age that whole process would become so complicated that it would take an hour or more. Gamma came running back into the bedroom and jumped up in my lap. I was still sitting in the rocking chair and she just about knocked us both over backward. She did get some decent air on that jump.

  “I wonder what’s taking Prima so long?” I asked, not really expecting an answer.

  Maria shrugged her shoulders. “You want me to give her a call?”

  “No. Let’s give her a few minutes. Besides we should talk before she gets her.”

  “What about?”

  “What were you thinking telling her about Milly and me?”

  “We were just talking about things and I mentioned that Milly said you two were trying to sort things out. Why?”

  “Did you even bother to think before blurting that out?”

  “What is the problem, Dad?”

  “If Milly shared that with you it doesn’t mean you should share it with the world. That’s our business.”

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t think you’d mind.”

  “You still don’t get it. You didn’t upset me. You upset Prima.”

  “I guess I don’t understand how that would upset Prima. You two aren’t in a relationship, are you?”

  “No, but she thought I probably wouldn’t want her on the ship anymore. She was worried it might cause problems with her being here.”

  “Ok, but I still don’t see what the issue is.”

  “Have you not noticed how she is with Gamma?”

  “Oh.”

  “Oh is right. I think she really likes being with Gamma and if I asked her to leave...”

  “She wouldn’t be able to be around Gamma?”

  “Exactly. She can’t have children of her own. I think she bonded with Gamma in just the short time she’s known her. This, of course, led to one of the strangest conversations I think I’ve ever had with an alien space babe.”

  “What did you two talk about?”

  “Well, I told her I wanted her to stay and help out with Gamma, but then we got into this strange discussion about love. Neither of us can imagine what her life was like before she was freed. She has trust issues. Especially with men. I sort of said we’d help her.”

  “Really? How are we supposed to do that?”

  “I don’t know. That’s why I volunteered you as well. It seems to me that she’s lacking in the basic social skills required to find the right man. She always comes across so damn seductively that she’s never going to find a guy who wants to get to actually know her, other than in the biblical sense. We need to help her tone down that seductive power.”

  “Dad, you think we can turn that little sexpot into some average girl next door?”

  “Now that you say it like that, it does sound rather impossible, but we can try. She could use a friend, a female friend to talk to and help her. She didn’t grow up with boys, like you. She basically knows one thing about men.”

  “You mean there’s more to men besides that one thing?”

  “Very funny, daughter. I’m just asking you to try to be her friend and help her, ok?”

  “Alright.”

  “Thank you.”

  Gamma had just been sitting quietly in my lap as I rocked her. She seemed to not want to let go of me. Prima wasn’t the only girl on this ship who was going to need help. I wondered what sort of problems we would have to deal with raising Gamma. I could only hope that whatever damage those assholes on Ganymede had done we could correct. She was young, so that was one factor in our favor.

  Prima finally arrived. She walked in without knocking. Even the ship had sided with the women and given them free access to the Captain’s quarters. I really was losing control of my ship. A mutiny couldn’t be too far off in the future.

  “What took you so long, Prima,” I asked.

  “I was practicing my smile like we talked about.”

  Maria smiled and focused her attention on Prima. “Let’s see?”

  Prima smiled. “How’s that?”

  Maria and I looked at each other and laughed.

  “This is going to be harder than I
thought,” I said looking down at Gamma. She responded with her usual giggle. “Let’s go get some breakfast.”

  I got up out of the rocking chair with Gamma still in my arms. We all left my quarters and walked down to the ship’s galley. It was around 7 AM, ship’s time. Of course, we always had to adjust the ship’s time to match the local system time, so we were using standard Earth GMT. That was the reference used throughout the Earth system for off-world timekeeping.

  Changing time references in space was a gazillion times worse than dealing with time zones on Earth. There was the universal time code used by the Collective and a lot of the unaligned worlds, but that was just to have a common reference. Each world had its own local time system just like Earth. Onboard the Vengeance, we would typically use Earth GMT as the reference, but when we were visiting another world, ship, or station, we would adjust that to accommodate the length of the local day. We still had 24 hours in the day, but an hour, a minute, a second would vary based on the ratio of the local day to a standard Earth day. Luckily, we had those nifty alien digital watches that could switch between the different time systems without any trouble. Of all the things in this universe that really bothered me, keeping time was at the top of my list. Getting stabbed in the kidney by an alien synthetic was not worth mentioning in comparison.

  The galley was full of hungry crew members when we arrived. With the marines onboard, we had more than the usual number for a typical shuttle mission. There was a line at the replicator and beverage stations. At least there was ample seating in the galley for the number of diners. We got in line and waited our turn. Prima and Maria went first. After getting their breakfasts, they found a table for all of us. Prima put her food down and came over to grab Gamma from my arms. Gamma resisted a bit, but she finally let loose so I could get us something to eat. I whipped up a nice breakfast for the two of us and joined them at the table.

  “Here you go, Gamma. Pancakes, bacon, and a nice glass of orange juice.”

  It wasn’t real, I mean, it was the best the replicator could do, but it was still pretty good. When the shuttle was less crowded, I would make it for real using the groceries we had from Earth. It was just too crowded in the galley for me to start cooking for real. I sure as hell wasn’t going to cook for everyone there.