by Guerin Zand
I know, I know. All the men reading this are basically thinking the same thing. I was acting like a big pussy! Sure, I wanted to sleep with Scirla, but that kind of thinking just leads to trouble. It was just the bait for the trap I was about to step into. Prima, ever since our relationship became official, had become a little more assertive. She felt free to boss me around and tell me what to do, and what not to do. You can see that from the little discussion I just described. Maria felt she had the same rights as well. Hell, in a few years I’m sure Gamma would start acting the same way. Now, with that in mind, you must understand why another wife in the mix wasn’t going to help me out in the long run. I knew that. That’s why men have one wife, and if they need a little something extra, they get a mistress. See, your mistress can’t turn on you that way. If she does, you just dump her and get another mistress. Getting rid of a wife isn’t that easy. Ask any man who’s ever been divorced.
Still, I went to the bar and did as I was told. We spent some time drinking and talking. I couldn’t help enjoying being around Scirla. As the party wound down, the rest of the crew slowly left the lounge leaving the two of us alone. I walked Scirla back to her room and we entered together. I tried talking to her to explain how I felt, but it really made no difference. At some point, my brain shut down and she ended up screwing me senseless. When my head cleared, and I was able to put simple thoughts together again, I realized the obvious. I was truly fucked!
Chapter 36
The Inquisition
I had promised Cindy I would return and meet with the Collective. I guess she didn’t believe me since she hung around until we left. She sent instructions to Senri to set our course for the station where her parents lived. She was very specific as to where we were to exit our transit portal, and she was waiting there for us when we arrived. We didn’t leave right away after our little party. I explained to Cindy that we needed to clean up the mess the Bayru and Maricindi had left on Taes and in orbit. She agreed to wait.
The situation with my wives was, well, strange. They both seemed to be enjoying my confusion. The night before we left, I found them both in my bed waiting for me. Prima turned up her superpowers and told me it was going to get cold that night. They just wanted to make sure I was warm enough. That was a little smart-ass reference to my night with Scirla on Taes. I didn’t laugh, but they did. I joined them anyway. I figured, as a soon to be condemned man, I couldn’t think of a better last request. I did my best to try and enjoy myself, it was hard.
When we arrived at the station I told Senri to not screw around with the spaceport controllers. I thought maybe if I behaved myself they’d take it easy on me. I contacted port control.
“Port control this is the Ryvius.”
“Tell me this isn’t Guerin Zand I’m speaking to?”
“Sorry, I guess. It’s me. Do I know you?”
“Yes, unfortunately. This is Richard. I had the pleasure of controlling your arrival with the Vengeance at one of our other stations. I transferred out here after that, for obvious reasons.”
“Nice to talk to you again, Dick.”
“It’s Richard, not Dick.”
“Whatever, Dick. Do you have docking instructions for us or would you like me to wing it?”
“Would it matter?”
“Oh, come on, Dick. Let’s not be that way. I promise to behave this time. Cross my heart and hope to die.”
“Very well. I’m sending instructions for your approach to the station. If you wouldn’t mind, we’ll take you in on auto-control to your destination, spaceport 04-00041507-07.”
We entered the course into our auto-pilot and enabled the auto-control circuits. As we started what would be a lengthy and boring docking procedure, I decided to chew the fat with Dick.
“So what’s news on the station, Dick. Anything fun happening?”
“You mean other than your scheduled inquisition?”
“Hmm, I guess the word has gotten around, huh?”
“Are you kidding? It’s sold out. I tried to get tickets, but I guess I’ll end up watching from one of the Terran pubs. A bunch of Rebellion gamers are throwing a big party. The game boards are full of predictions and the computers are having a hard time keeping up with all the wagers and the changing odds.”
“Hey, if you want, maybe I can see about getting you a few front row tickets.”
“Really?”
“Sure, why not, Dick. I’ll talk to Bob and see what he can do. So, what are the oddsmakers saying about my chances.”
“Well, basically, you’re fucked. There’s really no one betting against that. The real action is on just how fucked you are and exactly how they’re planning on fucking you.”
“Thanks for the info, Dick. I’ll make sure to pack a jar of Vaseline for the party. Enjoy the show.”
“Oh, I will. Dick, I mean, Richard out.”
Senri was smiling, so was I. Nothing like a warm welcome for the conquering hero I thought. If I had known my return was going to be so popular I would have arranged for one of those parades like the Roman emperors used to throw after returning from battle. It’s too bad I didn’t have time for something like that on such short notice. It would have been fun. While I waited during the hours-long docking procedure, I decided to head down to the mess. I figured one last cheeseburger was in order.
Well, after a cheeseburger, and a short nap, we finally docked with the station. The whole crew was getting off for a little R&R. We weren’t really sure just how long we’d be on the station, so I saw no reason for them all to stay cramped up on the ship. Ok, the Ryvius was not really cramped, and it had just about anything you’d want, but you still couldn’t beat getting out for a change of scenery. It was also good to spend a little time with people other than the small crew you’ve spent months with.
Cindy, of course, was standing outside the Ryvius when I disembarked.
“Really, Cindy? I’m surprised you didn’t bring armed guards and shackles.”
“You might try taking this a little more serious, Guerin. You have a couple of days to prepare for your meeting. Have you considered employing an advocate to help with your case?”
“Seriously? Why would I even consider letting one of you speak for me? Any advocate from the Collective would probably just suggest I throw myself at the Collective’s mercy and plead for leniency. Fuck that!”
“Have it your own way, Guerin. What is it you humans say, it’s your funeral?”
Cindy waited for the rest of the crew to exit the ship before leading us off to the tubes. She had arranged for quarters for everyone. She said she was just there to help get us all settled in. The truth was she was there to chaperone me and make sure I didn’t do anything really stupid. We entered the sphere for our journey through the tube system.
“Is there anything I can do for you, Guerin?”
“Yea, there is, Cindy. Could you talk to your father about getting Richard, the controller who brought our ship in, a couple of seats for the show? Front row if possible. I promised him I’d see what I could do.”
“What are you thinking, Guerin?”
“What? I’m trying to be nice. I gave him a bit of a hard time the last time we met. I thought I’d make it up to him. Are you going to ask Bob for me?”
“Sure. I don’t think you realize just how truly fucked you are.”
“Please, Cindy. I’ve been fucked ever since I got on that shuttle with Milly, back when I was still a normal human being. Ever since then, I’ve been getting fucked on a regular basis. So often, in fact, that I’m starting to look forward to it.” I reached into my go bag and pulled out my jar of Vaseline to show her. “See, I even came prepared this time.”
Cindy burst out in laughter. The rest of my crew sort of giggled in the background. It took a while, but I finally got through to the Cindy I knew and loved. The Bree were a tough crowd.
“I will never understand why it is I like you, Guerin.”
“Because I’m a total space stud, babe!�
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“That’s definitely not it.” She said with a smile. “You just refuse to take anything seriously. You make a joke out of everything and you don’t seem to care about anything except your own amusement.”
“You can’t really think I don’t care about anything. I just asked you to get Richard a few tickets for the show. Would someone who doesn’t care do that? I’ve saved two worlds from utter destruction. If I didn’t care, I would have just stayed home, had a cheeseburger or two, and found something on the tube to binge-watch.”
“You’re going to have to do better than that, Guerin, if you plan on digging yourself out of the shit you’ve gotten yourself in.”
“I’m not going to defend myself to you right now, Cindy. I’m saving my really good material for the show.”
Cindy shook her head, but she still couldn’t wipe that smile off her face. I had this overwhelming urge to grab that sweet ass of hers and give her a good and proper groping. I wanted her to know, that no matter what they threw at me, that Guerin Zand would always be, Guerin Zand. I resisted that urge as we arrived at the module where we’d be staying.
Me and my family, that included my new wife Scirla, were given a large suite, not unlike the other quarters my family was assigned on the different world ships and stations. We got all settled in and I headed for the bar. My first instinct was to start on a two-day bender to prepare myself for the inquisition. Maria had other plans.
“Come on, Dad. Let’s hit the pub in the main center. I hear the Rebellion gamers have already started the celebration of your impending doom. They have real cheeseburgers, shepherd’s pie, bangers and mash, fish and chips, and even haggis.”
“Haggis? Do you take me for some sort of savage?”
“Whatever, Dad. Let’s go.”
I slammed down my drink and figured, what the hell? They had alcohol at the pub, so it really wouldn’t interfere with my plans. I gathered up the family and grabbed one of those ever-present transport pads to take us down to the center of activity in this module. We got off at the main transportation center and walked a little bit before we came upon Jack O’s Pub. The outside of the pub was full of alien hipsters loitering about and trading alien party favors. Fucking hipsters? I was probably going to have to apologize to the Collective for that group as well, even though I couldn’t stand any of them. Why was I to blame for every bad thing that came out of the Terran system?
The crowd parted, well, actually I shoved the little dickheads out of our way, and we made it inside. It wasn’t as crowded as it was outside, and Maria hustled us over towards a table near the front of the bar. I was surprised a table large enough for the family was available, but I put that out of my mind when I saw we were close to the bar, which is exactly where I headed. As I was ordering a drink a familiar voice came over the pub’s PA system.
“Ladies and gentlemen, Guerin Zand is in the house. Let’s get this party started.”
I looked over at the stage and saw my once favorite little alien girl, Nancy. She jumped off the stage and ran over to give me a big hug. I almost spilled my drink, almost!
“Nancy, what are you doing here?”
“Well, my parents are here for the, what are you calling it? The show?” I nodded. “They’re part of the jury. I guess that’s what you’d call it. Anyways, all the gamers have been really looking forward to this, and this is the place to be, so I tagged along.”
“I knew I’d have friends on the jury. That’s great news!”
“Well, not really. My mother isn’t at all happy with you. She’s been going around saying stuff like, ‘Where did I go wrong with that boy? I can’t believe he would do something this stupid.’ You know how she can get. I’m sure she’ll get over it, but they’re not allowed to see you before the show. The big muckety-mucks are worried you might try to influence some of them.”
“I would never…”
“Exactly, that’s what I said. But you know how adults can be. Forget all of that. I just really want to thank you for taking my suggestion seriously. I knew you’d see what a great idea it was for the next arc in the Rebellion story.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Remember, back on the Earth ship, I pitched you the idea of what to do next after the whole pirate episode?” I gave her a dumb look and ordered another whiskey. “How could you forget? I said you should think about finding some back-water planet and playing a god of sorts.”
“That’s not what I was doing on Taes, Nancy. I went there…”
“Who cares? Really, Guerin? It doesn’t matter what the truth is. What matters is that the ratings for the latest edition of the Rebellion game are off the fucking charts!”
I gave her a shocked look. “Really, Nancy. Your language?”
“Whatever. I don’t care what it was you were doing there. I couldn’t have scripted it better if I tried. I mean, you go there, wielding mythical god-like powers, doing battle with not just one, but two bloodthirsty hordes of monsters from the surrounding worlds. You banish the beasts, and then there’s your new wife. The local primitives basically offer up a virgin bride to their new god. She was a virgin, wasn’t she?” I tried to say something, but I’d never seen Nancy this animated before. “Never mind, it doesn’t matter. So let it be written, so let it be done, right?” She finally stopped to take a breath.
“I’m happy you’re happy, Nancy.”
She gave me another big hug. “I just knew you’d come through for me. I don’t know how to thank you. Well, anyways. I’ll let you get back to your family. I’ll catch up with you a little later. I’m dying to meet your new wife, and I’ve got a shitload of ideas of where this new story arc can take us.”
And then she was gone. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think the young lady had been introduced to Terran amphetamines. I shook my head, ordered up another drink, and headed back to the family.
They had lamb shanks on the menu. I hadn’t had lamb shanks in ages and it was really good. I finished my meal and continued to drink excessively. My friend Grover, the guy who ran the music store and school on the station, came over to join us for a while. I guess Nancy had contacted him and he’d brought a few guitars with him. Nancy got Maria and me to perform a few songs. Then I got back to my primary job that night, drinking. Towards the end of the night, we ordered a round of truly greasy and utterly delicious cheeseburgers. Then we headed back to our quarters.
I initially headed to the bar when Prima grabbed me. She said it was time for bed, and that I’d had enough. I guess our little honeymoon was over. I just did what she said, and I passed out before my head hit the pillow. I mean if she was going to behave like a wife, I might as well behave like a proper husband, right? I really put my mutant kidneys to the test that night.
The next day I just vegged out on the couch. I binge watched several episodes of Mobile Suit Gundam Wing. I had Maria bring me back some take-out food and I just relaxed for a whole day. I really hadn’t done that in a while and I forgot how good it felt. The rest of the family took the hint and left me alone for the day. Who knows what trouble they got into.
The next morning Cindy came to get me and escort me to the inquisition. I of course dressed for the occasion. I had on my favorite t-shirt, the one with the smiley face, a bullet hole in the forehead, and blood dripping down its face. I wore a pair of cargo shorts, the most comfortable flip-flops, no socks, and of course my best bathrobe. I left it open and flowing like a super hero’s cape as I walked to meet my fate.
We entered a small auditorium, I mean, really? Probably the biggest inquisition in the last several centuries, if not the last millennium, and these cheap bastards couldn’t spring for a bigger venue? No wonder Richard was having trouble getting seats. There were probably fewer seats available than at the O.J. trial for fuck’s sake.
Speaking of Richard, as Cindy led me down the aisle towards the main stage, a young man stood up.
“Guerin? Guerin Zand?”
I looked over in th
e man’s direction.
“It’s me, Richard.”
I reached out my hand to shake his. “Richard, I’m glad to see you made it.”
“Thanks for the seats, dude. My girlfriend is totally impressed.”
“Not a problem, Richard. Good luck with that.” I gave his little hotty of a girlfriend a lecherous gaze.
Some asshole interrupted by clearing his throat in a most annoying way. Cindy grabbed the collar of my bathrobe and gave me a yank back towards the stage.
“Easy on the threads, babe. I’m coming.”
Richard sat back down and gave me a big smile along with two thumbs up. As Cindy continued to drag me down the aisle, I twisted back around and returned the smile, and the gesture.
“I’m coming, I’m coming. I can’t just ignore my fans, girl.” I removed her hand from my collar, straightened up my robe, and gave Cindy a dirty look.
She led me up to center stage and stood me behind the dais. The jury, if you want to call them that, were sitting in what looked like an orchestra pit. Representatives of the Collective and the Bree Council were seated in a semi-circle that wrapped from one end of the stage to the other. They looked at me, and I looked at them. My first impression was they were not in a good mood. I did see Sly among the inquisitors, as well as a few others I knew. I gave them all a smile and a little wave.
In the center of the jury was who I could only assume was the head of this little party. He was from one of the Collective races I was not familiar with, so I couldn’t read him that well. He tapped his hand on some pad which caused a sound like someone tapping on a really small gong. I guess it was the equivalent of a gavel. When the crowd quieted down, he began to speak.
“Mr. Zand.” Right off his tone was annoying. I could tell he probably had no sense of humor whatsoever from just those few words. “You have been accused of violating the restrictions of the protection zone around the Taes system and interfering with multiple primitive cultures. These are just the most serious of charges. Do you have anything to say in your defense before we begin with our questions?”
