The Accidental King of Achoo

by Linda J. Falkner

  “Hurry,” Kynigos said. “The hogs are getting closer.”

  “I’ve got them,” Dynami exclaimed.

  The two men quickly pulled enough truffles from the ground to fill their bags and then departed while the pigs were still in the distance. Some truffles remained uncovered, but Dynami and Kynigos, wanting to avoid the dangerous boars, hurried on to their next task.

  The next team, Lincoln and Polemistis, planned to collect raspberries and wild turkey eggs. The turkeys hid their nests under raspberry bushes, where the dense thorny thicket protected them from predators. When the two men arrived at the stand of bushes, they began picking the berries and putting them in their deerskin bags.

  “Ouch,” Polemistis exclaimed. Sharp thorns on the raspberry bushes had ripped his hands and left him bloody. While picking the berries, he and Lincoln watched the ground for turkey nests. As they pushed through the thickest bushes, Lincoln reached the berries with his long arms and managed to avoid the worst of the thorns, but Polemistis’s shorter arms were a disadvantage.

  “I found a nest,” Lincoln yelled. He began putting the eggs in his bag, reaching through the brambles with his long arms. “Look at this strange blue egg,” he said. Most of the eggs were brownish with black specks, but one had sparkling blue specks.

  Suddenly a turkey hen flew at Lincoln, who covered his head with his hands. Polemistis tried to help, but the hen’s partner, a thirty-pound wild tom turkey with a five-foot wingspan, flew at the men and attacked them with his sharp talons and battering wings. Polemistis did all he could to protect himself, but he was severely cut and bitten. Both men turned tail and ran for their lives. It was not until Lincoln accidentally dropped the bag containing the berries and eggs that the adult birds stopped their attack.

  When the gong struck, Mikro and Noimon did not take off running as the others had. They spent a few minutes discussing their plan and then headed for the river. They knew where several good honey trees were. But first they wanted to get to the river to collect flint, so they could make a fire and use smoke to safely calm the bees.

  The riverbed was littered with pebbles and shells. The pair walked along the river’s edge and chose the best water plants while keeping sharp eyes open for dark gray and black shiny flint hiding among the stones, rocks, and large conch shells. The shells were left from millions of years earlier when the riverbed had been a saltwater beach, before the mountains formed.

  Mikro was also looking for flint that was tinted green, red, or blue. These stones had impurities that colored the flint, but the impurities also softened it and made it useless for tools. Mikro knew she could make exquisite jewelry from the shiny, colored pebbles. She also picked up a large conch shell, which would be useful as a container. She and Noimon had begun walking in the early morning, but the sun was at its zenith when they finally found flint. They hastily collected as many flint rocks as they could carry in their deerskin pouches.

  Their next objective was to reach the honeybee trees while the sun was still high in the sky, because that’s when bees rest and avoid the heat. They knew that honeybees are most active at dawn and dusk, so they wanted to avoid those times. Everyone in the village knew where the honeybee hives were located. Finding them was not hard, but getting the honey out safely would be a challenge.

  When Mikro and Noimon located a good hive—not too small, but not so large that the honey would be old and tasteless—they collected dried sticks and tinder from the forest litter. With the kindling, they made a nest-shaped tinderbox from dried moss. Noimon struck the flint against a quartz rock and a spark fell on the moss, but it died before it caught. As Mikro held the moss nest, Noimon continued striking the rocks together to produce sparks. It took only a few minutes before two or three sparks fell together on the moss, which flared with a small flicker. Mikro blew gently, and the flicker became a glowing blaze. She dropped the burning nest onto the dried tinder and the flame intensified.

  When the fire was ablaze, Noimon grabbed a few larger sticks and used them to move the flaming tinder underneath the beehive they had chosen. Then he added a green branch to the fire. Smoke consumed the oxygen and encircled the hive, causing the bees to fall into a drugged slumber. While the honeybees were enjoying their siesta, Noimon and Mikro pulled off part of the hive, letting honey drip into the conch until it was full. After they left the hive, a slow stream of honey continued dripping out of the hive, onto the rock. When the bees revived, they would patch the hole, and after a few days, there would be no sign that anything had ever happened. With their bags loaded with gray and black flint, colored flint, and a conch shell filled with honey, Mikro and Noimon continued their quest.

  Orgizo had always lived a life of plenty. He was not accustomed to exerting himself, much less to hard work. His partner, Despotis, was more interested in White Russians, women, and pleasure than in winning the contest and becoming king. He had agreed to participate only because Orgizo promised him vodka, chocolate, silk, and even the favors of his daughter—whom Orgizo described as voluptuous and delightful.

  Orgizo and Despotis discussed their plans to win against “crazy hat Dynami” and “crooked Kynigos.” They decided to see what they were up to, and Orgizo wanted to make sure that they did not rig the contest. They followed the two men at a discreet distance. When they saw Dynami and Kynigos stop and begin digging for truffles, they hid under a bush to wait and watch.

  “Stay,” Despotis said to Kuni. The guard dog was unusually disobedient and wandered a short way off, sniffing at something.

  “Look, he found mushrooms,” Orgizo said, picking one up and putting it in his mouth. “Yum!”

  While they chewed on mushrooms and waited for Dynami and Kynigos to leave, Despotis’s hand wandered over to Orgizo’s crotch and began rubbing lightly. Just as Despotis felt the cloth begin to tighten and rise, they saw the two men get up and quickly leave the truffles site.

  “Later,” Orgizo said in a hoarse whisper. “We need to go quickly. Hurry.” The two men and Kuni ran down the path to the open ground where Dynami and Kynigos had dug into the hard soil. Both bent over and quickly filled their silk bags with truffles, and then took off running before the wild boars arrived. “Believe me—there is no need for us to dig when crazy hat Dynami and crooked Kynigos can do it for us. Brilliant!” Orgizo exclaimed.

  Despotis applauded as he thought, My partner is so magnificent. He will make Achoo great again, and I will help him. He will do a lot for me too.

  Orgizo looked around and noticed a thin line of smoke. “White Russian, let’s go see what that is. Curious.” They jogged a short way until they found the pathway leading to the smoke. The last bit of burning moss was still smoldering. Above the dying fire, a beehive was slowly dripping honey onto the rocks below. Orgizo pulled several plastic Trupperware containers from his backpack and set them on the rocks for the honey to drip into.

  Then the two men took a “nap” under a hidden bush as the dog stood watch. A short while later, feeling refreshed, they got up and put their clothes back on. Then they carefully sealed the honey-filled Trupperware containers and placed them in their backpacks. The containers were the same Trupperware that Orgizo’s many times great-grandfather Jeremiah Abadon had brought with him. As everyone knows, Trupperware lasts forever.

  “Here are their footprints!” Orgizo exclaimed. “We can follow them back to the river.” The footprints were easy to follow, as the ground was soft and the footprints left deep indentations. It did not take them long to find the flint, which they easily collected, along with water plants that grew on the river’s edge. On the way back, Despotis searched the ground, picking up useful wood and antlers. He found a broken end of a deer antler that would be helpful in digging.

  Kuni stopped to sniff something. “What a magnificent antler rack! It must have fallen recently from the deer. It looks new,” Despotis said as he picked it up.

  Orgizo walked ahe
ad, not bothering to search the ground. “This will gain the admiration of the villagers. Let’s keep walking. Be sure to look carefully at the ground, Depotis. I am too nearsighted to do it myself.”

  Suddenly, Despotis spotted Lincoln’s deerskin bag near a patch of raspberry bushes. Lincoln had dropped it while escaping the turkey attack. Despotis recognized it as the bag that Lincoln often carried, as each bag in Achoo was handmade and unique. Despotis picked up the bag and looked inside.

  “Let me see.” Orgizo grabbed the bag from Despotis and looked inside. “This is unique,” Orgizo said. “This egg has blue specks instead of black. Turkey eggs and raspberries in this bag: proof that God wants me to win and become king.” He put Lincoln’s bag in his own backpack and continued walking.

  Despotis nodded in admiration of the future king. He was convinced that Orgizo would be the winner. He was thinking of the silken garments with which Orgizo would reward him … and the vodka. Yes, vodka. Orgizo must be king.

  The two men had already collected most of the items on the list. They had truffles, raspberries, flint, good rocks for tools, antlers, wood, honey, wild turkey eggs, and water plants. The only thing they had left to find were sweet potatoes. Despotis knew where they grew, so the men headed in that direction. Sweet potatoes grow underground, but their distinctive heart-shaped leaf is easy to spot. They grow in thick patches, with the leaves blocking out the sun and killing weeds.

  “You need to dig up the potatoes, Despotis,” Orgizo said. “My hands are far too small and delicate for such work.” He had never gotten dirty working, and he had no plans to start now. Despotis happily dug up the sweet potatoes using the broken deer antler. Orgizo’s hands were not the only thing that was small, he thought, laughing at his private joke. Soon they were on their way back to the village with all the items on the list.

  Lincoln and Polemistis were the first to return, but they were badly cut from the raspberry thorns, bruised from the turkey wings, and suffering from bites inflicted by the turkey’s sharp beak. They both decided to drop out of the competition and take time to recover from their wounds. “Although I won’t be running again, I’m still the temporary king for now,” Lincoln said.

  The villagers were surprised when Orgizo and Despotis arrived shortly afterward, carrying everything on the list. They had completed the scavenger hunt in record time. The villagers admired the magnificent antler rack that Kuni had found but for which Orgizo took credit, and they were in awe over the honey in the Trupperware containers. They had never seen anything like this before, and they were impressed with the riches accumulated by Orgizo and Despotis. Orgizo swaggered and strutted. Praise and attention were to him as wine is to an alcoholic. He craved it—and the more he got, the more he needed.

  The blue speckled turkey egg was greatly admired and praised by many of the villagers, but Lincoln recognized his lost deerskin bag. He knew that he, not Orgizo, had found the blue speckled egg and painfully wrestled it away from the parent birds.

  Lincoln and Polemistis gathered together with a few other villagers. “I’m concerned about the direction this village seems to be going in supporting Orgizo,” Lincoln said.

  “His actions are those of a con man,” Polemistis said. But many in the village were so impressed with Orgizo and his promises that they refused to listen to Polemistis’s warnings.

  “Don’t listen to those doubters,” Orgizo yelled. “Believe me. They are an oily black monkey and a spider. I doubt that they are really people. Lincoln doesn’t even have a birth certificate.” Then he shrieked, “I am the greatest, and I will make Achoo great again. True!”

  A group of people gathered to listen to Orgizo’s rally. He was standing high on the newly built wooden stage. He liked being above everyone else, and he loved having a loud crowd admire him. It made him feel alive.

  “Look how hard you all work, and what do you have to show for it? Nothing. You just live from day to day. Believe me—your lives are depressing and horrible. You are suffering. Look at me: my life is wonderful. I live in a house lined in gold, and I sit on golden chairs. I wear silk, while you wear clothes made from deer hide. I have all the best foods, the best house, and the best clothes. I have the best wives and the best children. I even have Trupperware. Believe me—if I am king, everyone will have Trupperware. I am the greatest, and if you follow me, I will reward you and make you great too. I will make Achoo great again, as it was when my many times great-grandfather Jeremiah Abadon first found this valley. Amazing!”

  “Achoo, Achoo, Achoo … Make Achoo great again!” the sneezy-sounding crowd chanted. More joined in the chanting, causing endorphins to flow through their bloodstreams and creating a natural high. They sounded like an evangelical assembly, chanting and talking in tongues. They were electrified as they chanted and swayed orgasmically.

  Orgizo was euphoric from the praise and chanting. He looked over at Despotis and thought about spending time with him alone. That, and the magic mushroom that he was chewing, helped raise him to ecstasy. Knowing how people loved and admired him helped repress his hidden insecurities. Yes, they believed he was the greatest. And so did he … if only for a little while.

  Lincoln tried to warn the villagers that Orgizo was dishonest and could not be trusted. But Orgizo started his group chanting, “Spider, spider, show us your birth certificate.” Lincoln, with his long arms and legs, felt humiliated and angry over this treatment, but he held a poker face with a frozen smile.

  “Many in the village sympathize with you, Lincoln,” Axio said. “Many distrust Orgizo, and they’re frightened by the name-calling and hatred that is spreading through the village. It has never been like this before. Orgizo is driving a rift between some husbands and wives, and longtime friends. People are for him or against him. So many come to me for counseling.”

  Mikro and Noimon arrived soon after the rally was over. As a result of their careful planning, they had made excellent time in locating all the items needed for the scavenger hunt. “How could Orgizo and Despotis have collected all the items before us?” Mikro asked Noimon.

  “I don’t know. Their path seemed impulsive and haphazard. Still, it appears that Orgizo and Despotis have won the contest,” Noimon said. “Don’t worry, though. There are still more contests to go, and the villagers won’t make a final decision until all the contests are concluded.”

  Dynami and Kynigos arrived soon afterward, having made good time. But since they had taken off running without much planning, depending on their strength rather than on strategy, it had taken them longer to complete the contest.

  The next contest, a chariot race, was between the top three teams from the scavenger hunt: Orgizo and Despotis, Mikro and Noimon, and Dynami and Kynigos. Since Lincoln and Polemistis had left the scavenger hunt early because of their injuries from the turkeys, they had resigned from the competition. Each team fed their horses and readied them for the race, which would begin at dawn.

  Noimon was grooming his horse when he noticed Orgizo lurking around the stables. “Hey, what are you doing here? You know you aren’t allowed near the other teams’ horses. Go and take care of your own,” Noimon yelled across the stables.

  “Mind your own business, you old hunchback. Nosey!” Orgizo replied. He then stalked off, mumbling under his breath about a rigged race. If he had any plans to do something untoward, no one knew. That evening, Noimon, Mikro, Dynami, and Kynigos took turns guarding their horses. Meanwhile, Orgizo pouted and finally went back to his home in the mountains. He liked sleeping in his own bed, even if it meant extra travel.

  When he got home, Orgizo wrote several bird-mails attacking Noimon as an old hunchback and Mikro for having no stamina. He attacked Lincoln for his long “spider” limbs and demanded that he show his birth certificate. He wrote bird-mails about Polemistis having dark skin because he was dirty. Eventually he fell asleep in the early morning, after he had worn himself out from his three o’clock
temper tantrum. Despotis, in the meantime, was preparing for the race by emptying a large flask filled with vodka.

  On the morning of the race, everyone in the village went out to watch and cheer-on their favorites. Excitement and anticipation filled the air. The racers lined up at the starting line: Dynami and Kynigos on the left, Mikro and Noimon in the middle, and Orgizo and Despotis on the right. The horses were anxious and moving restlessly, ready to race. The contestants were equally anxious, but they tried not to show it. Orgizo was exhausted from his late-night bird-mailing, and Despotis was a little hung over, but they were ready too.

  “One, two, three … Go!”

  The gong shook the air with a loud ringing. Dynami and Kynigos had a strong start and quickly pulled ahead of their competitors. Mikro and Noimon were next, their chariot just a bit behind the leaders. Trailing the others were Orgizo and Despotis, who had been slow to respond to the starting gong. Despotis was hung over, and Orgizo’s mind was on himself rather than on the race.

  It looked like Dynami and Kynigos were about to win, when suddenly their chariot began swaying dangerously. When they slowed to gain stability, Mikro and Noimon overtook them. As Dynami and Kynigos continued to struggle to keep their chariot upright, Orgizo and Despotis passed them, too.

  Orgizo and Despotis tried desperately to catch up to Mikro and Noimon, but every time their chariot got close, the other team would pull farther ahead. Some villagers cheered when Orgizo’s chariot came close to Mikro’s, but then Mikro would pull ahead and her supporters cheered. Finally, Mikro and Noimon crossed the finish line in first place, with Orgizo and Despotis trailing by less than a minute.

  Dynami and Kynigos brought in their crippled chariot with the horses walking. A later examination of the chariot showed that one of the two wheels had come loose and was close to falling off. It looked like the wheel had been deliberately loosened, but why would anyone sabotage the race? Some of the villagers had their suspicions, but they mostly kept their thoughts to themselves. When anyone spoke out, Orgizo supporters quickly silenced them with threats of violence.