Going Green

by Nick Spalding

This will turn out to be something of a grave oversight, as if I had, I might have seen the worried, shocked looks on all their faces.

  ‘Ellie!’ Nadia calls out to me as I pass her. ‘I need to speak to you!’

  ‘Yeah, no worries, Nadia. Just let me go and chat to Nolan first. I have something important to show him!’

  ‘I think you might want to—’ Nadia starts to say, but I am already hurrying towards Nolan’s office door, my mind completely focused on getting him downstairs to see the Mercedes.

  ‘In a moment, Nadia! I promise!’ I tell her, as I get to the office door and excitedly open it.

  ‘Nolan?’ I say eagerly, as I pop my head in. ‘Would you like to come and see the car I’ve just bou—’

  I stop mid-sentence.

  Shock and dismay suffuse every part of my being.

  Nolan is sat behind his desk. There’s a look of shock on his face too, at me bursting in like this, but there’s also something else there I’ve never seen before – a high degree of irritation. It doesn’t sit well on his usually placid, calm features.

  The source of the irritation is sat opposite him, in the chair I usually take when I’m talking over work with Nolan.

  I can’t manspread like its current occupant, though.

  I doubt there are many men in this world who can manspread as much as this guy. He’s one of those blokes who have raised it to something of an art form.

  And it’s a manspread I am well used to seeing. It’s one of the things that irritated me the most about him, over the six months we were together.

  ‘Robert?’ I say in a cold, tight voice, as I feel the blood drain from my face.

  Robert Ainslie Blake – Demonic Rab himself – is sat across from Nolan Reece, that near-permanent, languid, smug smile plastered across his face.

  ‘Ellie! Hi there!’ he replies, and snaps off a patronising salute with one hand. ‘How’s it going, yeah?’

  Oh God . . .

  That’s right. He does that, doesn’t he? He likes to end sentences with the word ‘yeah’, even when it makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

  You know what else makes no fucking sense whatsoever?

  Robert Ainslie Blake being sat in Nolan Reece’s office.

  Why is a man whose every action is complete anathema to Viridian PR’s environmental message sat here, manspreading for all he’s worth?

  . . . and that’s not because he has a large penis, let me assure you. Robert Ainslie Blake is endowed with the most aggressively average penis to ever grace the human population. He has absolutely no need to keep his legs that far apart.

  Some men are compensating for having a small penis, but Robert is definitely just compensating for having a boring one. That’s why he tries to make out he’s the most interesting person on the planet – to compensate for the overwhelmingly nondescript thing parked between his legs. He’s not interesting though, so his attempts just come across as obnoxious.

  I didn’t know all this when I first started dating him, of course. It took those six months for his true personality to really rub itself up against me enough times to see through the facade.

  I think I managed to subconsciously ignore the type of man he really was for a long time, simply because I was enjoying all the attention he lavished on me. It’s amazing how enough sun-soaked minibreaks and fancy restaurants can blind you to a person’s real character, if you’re willing to let them.

  Then there was that thing he did in bed . . .

  Seriously, if my toes had curled any further, I’d have needed some sort of corrective surgery afterwards.

  But what is he fucking doing here? With my new boyfriend? And why is Nolan even talking to him?

  ‘What are you doing here, Robert?’ I demand, in a voice that would keep the Antarctic frozen solid for a millennium.

  ‘Just came in to see the new guy!’ Robert replies, pointing a finger at Nolan. ‘Figured I could do with his help, yeah?’

  ‘What kind of help?’ I demand, closing the office door, so no one outside can see this horrific reunion taking place.

  ‘Robert here wanted to have a meeting with me to talk about improving his company’s green image,’ Nolan tells me in a slightly strangled voice. His eyes dart over to Robert for a moment. ‘He insisted on it, in fact. Didn’t you, Mr Ainslie Blake?’

  Robert sees the expression on Nolan’s face, notes it carefully and smiles at me. ‘Ah . . . yeah. That’s it, Gorgeo. I really wanted to come in and see if your new business could help me show people how green I’m doing things these days. And after all the great ideas you had the last time I needed your help, I’d certainly like you involved this time, Gorgeo.’

  Gorgeo.

  I’m so, so sorry you had to hear that.

  It’s what Robert always liked to call me. Not gorgeous. But Gorgeo.

  I liked it when we first started dating. I thought it was cute. But now it just makes my Gorgeo rise, threatening to deposit my breakfast all over the office floor.

  And look at poor Nolan! Look how bamboozled he is!

  That’s the effect Robert has on people. He comes at you like a bull in a china shop, and you have no choice but to capitulate. It doesn’t help that he’s six foot three, and covered in the kind of muscle you can only get by staring at yourself in the gym mirror for years on end.

  No wonder Nolan took the meeting – if Robert ‘insisted’ on it. He insisted on dating me for six months, and I let him do that, didn’t I?

  And Nolan is a polite, decent man. He probably tried to steer Robert away in a professional, calm manner – which would have worked with my ex about as well as trying to stop a hurricane with a leaf blower.

  I look from Robert’s nonchalant manspread in one chair, to Nolan’s tight, anxious body language in the other, and know what I have to do.

  I will not let my stupid ex-boyfriend bully my lovely new boyfriend into anything.

  I won’t!

  I fold my arms and stare Robert Ainslie Blake down. I’m going to be the one doing the insisting today.

  ‘Robert, I don’t think there’s anything we can do for you at Viridian PR,’ I tell him, in no uncertain terms. ‘You terminated your relationship with the company in its previous guise in a way that was highly detrimental to its continued existence. I see no reason to entrust our services to you again, for fear of the same result.’

  I know I’m treading on Nolan’s toes here, but I am incensed about this pig of a man thinking he can walk back in here and get us to do his bidding again.

  Nolan looks quite taken aback. Robert just gives me that stupid smug smile again.

  He then gets out of the chair languidly.

  Robert does everything languidly.

  The bastard even had sex languidly – something that should be completely impossible. You always kind of felt like he was doing you some kind of favour.

  Robert holds out his hands. ‘Hey, hey. It’s fine, Gorgeo.’

  ‘Please don’t call me that.’

  He rolls his eyes. ‘Okay, okay . . . It’s fine, yeah? It was a bad idea to come here, I see that, yeah?’ He looks over at Nolan. ‘Not the right time for it, don’t you think, Reecey?’

  Reecey’s look of irritation has returned, not least because he’s just been called Reecey, I shouldn’t wonder. ‘No. Not the right time at all,’ he replies, also rising from his seat.

  ‘Cool, cool,’ Robert says, with a languorous nod. ‘Time for me to get out of Dodge then, yeah?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I say, fixing him with a stare of purest disgust.

  He sees the expression on my face and actually backs away a bit, looking a little perturbed. By the time he gets to the door, the smug smile is back though – because it always is. The fucker will probably die with that smug smile on his face, and his corpse will look languid in the box, of that I have no doubt.

  ‘See you guys,’ he tells us both, and walks nonchalantly out of the door, leaving chaos and confusion in his wake.

  Once the door c
loses, I look back at Nolan, whose face is a picture.

  Not a nice picture. It’s one that screams confusion, irritation and shock in equal measure.

  ‘I can’t believe he came here,’ I say to Nolan, walking over to him. ‘I can’t believe that bastard came here, actually thinking we’d work with him.’

  Nolan nods. ‘He didn’t book a meeting, Ellie. He just turned up at the door and expected to see me.’

  ‘Yes. That’s how he operates. That’s who he is.’

  ‘I knew about him from the notes left by Peter, and all the stuff that was in the papers, but I had no idea he was . . . that bad.’

  ‘No. I bet you didn’t. Robert is a pretty awful human being, all round. Awful to people, awful to animals. Awful to everything but himself.’

  Nolan gives me a look. There’s something broken about it that will stay with me for the rest of my days.

  ‘So, why did you date him then?’ Nolan asks me, the look of betrayal writ large across his face.

  It turns out that one of the first things out of Robert’s mouth was that I used to date him.

  Can you imagine how hideous that was for Nolan? To know that the woman he was just starting a romance with had previously been in the clutches of an arsehole like that? To know that she actively and willingly shacked up with a person responsible for the death of at least three thousand birds and animals – all to throw up a block of flats for rich people to feel smug about living in?

  I tried to explain, of course I did. I tried to tell Nolan everything I had planned on telling him in my lovely new hybrid Mercedes – but it all rang completely hollow, I know it did.

  Oh, Nolan tried his best to understand where I was coming from. Tried his best to believe what I was saying about having turned over a new ecological leaf, after my time with the kids in Sean’s class – but how can my words compete with six foot three of Robert Ainslie Blake?

  He’s a walking, talking, manspreading symbol of the lies I told to keep my job, and nothing I could say or do in the two-hour conversation I had with Nolan in his office after Robert had left could do much to change that. By the end of it, Nolan seemed to accept what I was saying, but I could tell he wasn’t sure about anything any more – about my commitment to Viridian’s cause, or my commitment to him.

  We ended the conversation by agreeing to talk about it again the next day.

  I then went home and cried.

  It felt like the most appropriate thing to do.

  It’s all just so bloody UNFAIR.

  Just as I was about to handle things. Just as I was about to calmly and sensibly speak to Nolan about everything, in my new, shiny, super-green car – along comes Demonic bloody Rab to throw a manspreading spanner in the works!

  No wonder I’ve been reduced to a frustrated blubbering mess.

  My descent into teary-eyed misery is only interrupted when I get a phone call from Nadia, checking in on how I am. My abrupt departure from the office didn’t go unnoticed, and she’s worried about me, bless her.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Ellie. I should have done more to stop you going in there. I just didn’t have a chance to warn you properly,’ she says apologetically, after I’ve answered the call.

  ‘No, no. It’s not your fault at all, Nadia,’ I tell her, blowing my nose on a recycled tissue. ‘I was so caught up in wanting to tell Nolan about my new car that you couldn’t have done anything to stop me marching in there like that.’ I pause, feeling my nails bite into my palm. ‘God almighty, why did that bastard come back? Did he really think we’d want to have anything more to do with him?’

  ‘That’s Robert Ainslie Blake for you,’ Nadia says. ‘The man permanently thinks the world owes him something.’

  ‘A kick in the testicles?’

  This makes her laugh. ‘Quite probably!’

  The sound of Nadia’s laughter brightens my dark mood for the briefest of moments, before I remember the hurt look on Nolan’s face.

  ‘How long was he in there for, Nadia? Before I turned up?’ I ask.

  ‘About half an hour or so,’ she replies, making me grimace.

  That would have been more than enough time for Robert to really get into the details of his past relationship with me. It would have been exactly the type of thing he would do. For Robert, conversations with other men largely consist of him bragging about his previous conquests – whether it be in work, love or sport – and I am very sad to say that I am one of those previous conquests, no matter how much it makes my skin crawl to think about it now.

  Ugh.

  And to think I was partially responsible for helping to rehabilitate Robert’s reputation, after he mowed down all of those poor animals and plants! I should find that poor bloody natterjack toad, and offer him my most humble of apologies for ever putting him that close to the git.

  ‘I’m frankly amazed Nolan still wants me in the job,’ I say to Nadia in a flat tone.

  ‘Why’s that?’

  ‘Well, we’re supposed to be an environmentally friendly PR firm, Nadia – and I spent six months banging a man who thinks nothing of wrecking nature reserves.’

  ‘But that was a long time ago, Ellie. Stop being so hard on yourself.’

  ‘I was going to tell him, as well . . . Nolan, I mean. I was going to tell him about my dirty little Demonic Rab–shaped secret, I just never . . . never got the chance.’

  Thanks to a greedy fat parrot, and my own lack of gumption.

  ‘I think you’re worrying a bit too much about it,’ Nadia says, trying to comfort me. ‘Nolan is a sensible guy, and he can see what a great job you’re doing. I’m sure he’s not going to hold a previous silly relationship against you, no matter how much you think he might. He’s a good boss. And a sensible bloke. I think you’ll be fine.’

  But he’s not just my boss! I want to scream at Nadia.

  For a moment, I open my mouth to confess everything about the fact that Nolan and I have been dating . . . but then I close it again. Would Nadia be as sympathetic as she’s being if she knew the truth? If she knew that I was making the same mistakes I did with Robert, by mixing business with pleasure?

  I’m not sure. I’m really not.

  Oh, great. Another load of guilt can be added to my shoulders. Not only do I feel terrible about my attitude towards the planet in times gone by, I now feel awful about not being honest with Nadia over my relationship with Nolan.

  ‘I really am different!’ I blurt down the phone.

  ‘What do you mean?’ Nadia replies, sounding more than a little taken aback by this sudden outburst.

  ‘About the environment, Nadia! About the world around us!’

  ‘Oh, okay.’ I can’t see the look on Nadia’s face, but I’m pretty sure she wasn’t expecting to hear me sound so shrill or urgent.

  I don’t think I managed to convince Nolan that I had turned over a new leaf, but I’m sure as hell going to make sure Nadia knows it.

  ‘I’ve bought a new car!’ I assure her. ‘A super-green one! And I did a load of research online, so I know all the stuff I should have known before . . . all that stuff they talked about in Sean’s class.’

  ‘I’m sure you do,’ she says to me, trying to calm me down a bit. She thinks I’m going overboard, I know she does. But Nadia doesn’t realise what’s really going on with me and Nolan – that it’s not just about me trying to keep my boss happy.

  It’s about so much more than that.

  ‘Getting up to speed on all this environmental stuff isn’t easy,’ Nadia says, in an attempt to placate me. ‘We’ve all struggled with it a fair bit.’

  ‘Yeah, I know,’ I reply. ‘It’s just all those kids, Nadia. All the things they said . . .’

  She’s quiet for a moment, before speaking again. ‘It hits you hard, doesn’t it?’

  ‘Yeah. It really does.’

  ‘And that’s why you’re worried about Nolan knowing that you dated Robert. You don’t want him thinking you don’t really care about the environment. Because
of your brother’s class. Because of the things they said.’

  Wow. How perceptive can you get?

  ‘Exactly!’ I say. ‘That’s exactly it!’

  ‘Seriously, Ellie. Don’t worry so much. Actions always speak louder than words, and Nolan’s had weeks working with you now. The good job you’ve been doing overrides anything Robert Ainslie Blake could say or do.’

  ‘Do you really think so?’

  ‘Absolutely!’

  God, I hope she’s right.

  ‘Thanks, Nadia,’ I say to her with genuine gratitude. I still don’t feel particularly great about the situation, but at least my nose and eyes have stopped streaming.

  ‘No problem. Now, why don’t you tell me all about that new car of yours? You hightailed it out of the office so fast, I never got a chance to see it.’

  ‘Yeah, okay,’ I say, reaching for the owner’s manual.

  I then proceed to bore Nadia senseless over the next fifteen minutes.

  By the time the call ends, I’m pretty sure she knows more about Mercedes hybrid cars than she ever wanted or needed to. But it was very kind of her to just sit and listen to it all. I think she knew I needed to talk about something in a positive way, after all the previous negativity.

  After I’ve put the phone down on Nadia, I sit back on the sofa and reflect on the events of the day with a slightly calmer head on my shoulders.

  Detailing how effectively the reverse-parking sensors are calibrated will do that for you. It’s a little hard to remain emotionally volatile when you’re describing German automotive engineering. If you ever feel yourself about to have a panic attack, I thoroughly recommend reading the owner’s manual of a new Mercedes. By the time you reach the page about how the climate control functions, you’ll be perfectly fine again.

  Robert Ainslie Blake drove an Italian sports car, you’ll be deeply unsurprised to know.

  I can’t remember what make it was – it wasn’t one of the famous ones, like Ferrari – but I do recall that it had a very long bonnet, and big rear-wheel arches. He loved that fucking car. He certainly spent an inordinate amount of time polishing it.

  I close my eyes and rub them, trying to scour the memory of the car from my mind.

  . . . trying to scour the memory of Robert Ainslie Blake from it, as well.