by L A Cotton
This morning had really happened. Levi had outed us to Alistair with little thought to whether I was ready. I knew it was just something he needed to do, something he needed to believe in me, in us. But I was still trying to process what it meant.
“Maybe this is a good thing. It’ll give him focus, something else to obsess over.” Hudson leaned back against the curved bench that ran along one side of the bus and stretched his arms behind his head.
“That’s what I’m worried about,” Rafe said, eyeing me with concern.
“I should probably...” I flicked my head toward the closed bedroom door.
“You don’t have to go after him, not if you need space.”
“Yeah,” I gave Letty a strained smile, “I do.” Because I’d made a promise to Levi, and I couldn’t be another person to let him down.
Running myself a glass of water, I moved down the bus and slipped inside the bedroom. Levi was already sprawled out on his back, his eyes closed, and hands tucked behind his head.
“You’re pissed with me.” He didn’t look at me.
“I’m not. I’m just confused.”
“About me?”
“About everything,” I admitted. “I didn’t anticipate any of this, Levi. When I came here, I didn’t expect to...” I hesitated.
“What, Bee?” Finally, he gave me his eyes.
“I didn’t expect to fall for you.”
“Come here.” Levi crooked his finger at me, and I kicked off my pumps and joined him on the bed. He pulled me into his side, stroking his hand up and down my arm.
“I won’t apologize for what happened earlier, with Alistair.”
I peeked up at him.
“I’m not ashamed of you, Bee. You make me want to try to do better, to be better. I know you’re scared. I know everyone is just waiting for me to screw up again. And maybe I will. Maybe I’ll fuck this up before the tour is over. But I can’t let you go.”
“I don’t want you to.” My confession hung in the space between us.
“No?” Levi pinned me with an intense look.
I shook my head. “But next time you’re hurting or confused. I need for you to talk to me, not run off into the arms of the first girl you see.”
“Technically, I didn’t run—”
“Not the point.” I gave him a pointed look.
Levi had made a huge step last night in removing himself from a volatile situation. I knew it meant something, and I knew he needed to see me putting my trust in him. But it didn’t change the fact that when things didn’t go his way, Levi lashed out like a petulant child who couldn’t deal with his emotions.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Anything,” he said, and part of me wanted to test his offer of candor. But there was one specific question I had on my mind.
“Why have you never had a girlfriend before?”
“Is that what you are, Bee? My girlfriend?” The corner of Levi’s mouth curved with amusement. He was teasing me.
“I don’t need a label. So long as you don’t touch any other girls while we’re... together.” I watched his reaction to the word, but I found nothing but awe and honesty and acceptance.
This was really happening.
Levi Hunter was as good as my boyfriend.
“You’re broken, Bee, like me. You think I don’t see the shadows in your eyes, but I do. Your hair and ink and piercings; they’re armor, aren’t they?
“I—” He knew. Levi knew my secret and he’d never said a word.
“It’s okay, if you don’t want to talk about it.”
“I watched Zephyr almost die,” the words were like ash on my tongue. “And it was all my fault.”
Levi tried to look at me, but I kept my body plastered to his. “I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t watch him destroy his life, destroy us. So I tried to leave. I knew it was the coward’s way out, to just sneak out and leave a note. But I couldn’t...” Tears slid down my cheeks as I let myself remember.
It hadn’t been one inciting incident; it had been years of being second string to the high. Zephyr loved me. I’d never for a second doubted that. But it wasn’t enough.
I wasn’t enough to make him want to stop.
“Bee, look at me,” Levi shuffled onto his side, forcing me to give him my eyes. I squeezed them shut, wanting to keep my pain for myself. This was my burden to carry, my secret to bear. Yet, Levi—of all people—was here and he was asking me to let him in.
“There she is.” He gently stroked my face, rubbing the tears away with his deft fingers. “I’m not him,” he whispered, his voice cracked with emotion. “I’m not Zephyr.”
No, Levi was worse.
I’d been with Zephyr in the early days, when drugs were fun, something to escape. I’d watched as his addiction spiraled out of control. I’d stood by as it took over his life. With Zephyr, I hadn’t chosen to be with an addict. It just happened. One day, I was head over in heels with a guy, the next I was competing with drugs for his attention.
I’d chosen Levi despite his addiction.
I’d walked headfirst into the lion’s den, knowing how this story would probably play out. And the truth was, I’d probably do it all again. Because I hadn’t been able to save Zephyr. I’d walked away and it had almost killed him—and me.
When I’d gotten the call from one of our friends that he’d OD’d, I’d felt nothing but shame and guilt. He’d taken a lethal concoction of substances. Pumping his body full of drugs to ease the pain of me finally breaking free.
“No, you’re not.” I sniffled back more tears. Levi leaned in, touching his nose against mine until our breaths were mingled and our bodies were pressed impossibly close.
“I’m in control of this, I swear I’m—”
“For how long?” My smile was sad, mirroring the pain in my voice. “Part of it will always control you, Levi.”
“I’ll get help. I’ll see a counselor, a shrink, whatever you want, Bee. I’m serious about us, about you... I don’t want to lose you.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
Relief settled in his eyes as he inhaled a sharp breath.
“I’m in love with you, Levi. It wasn’t supposed to happen, but it did.”
“Y- you... love me?”
I nodded, unsure whether it was the right time to say the words. But he deserved to know.
Levi deserved to know he was worthy of love.
“Fuck, Phoebe. No one’s ever...”
“I know.” I brushed my lips over his. “Your past doesn’t define you. What happened with your mom, that was about her demons, her faults, not yours.” I drew in a deep breath. “You were just a child. Children aren’t born evil, Levi. They aren’t born bad. And I’m so fucking sorry you had to grow up believing you weren’t good enough. Because you are, you are Leviathan Hunter.”
His breath was harsh, the sound reverberating between us.
“I think talking would help. To me, to a profession—” He tensed but I went on. “I’m not saying you have to do it today or tomorrow or anytime soon, but there’s so much you haven’t ever dealt with. You can’t carry that forever, Levi. It’s too much.”
Silence descended over us. Levi watched me, absorbing everything I’d said. I didn’t mean to unload all that, but I was glad it was out. It might have been too late to walk away from him, but I had no plans to stand by and watch Levi ruin everything he’d worked so hard for. I wouldn’t be that girl again.
The girl who waited until it was too late.
“I’m here, Levi. I want to be here. But you have to keep trying.”
“I am... I will... But facing the demons from my past, talking about her...” He expelled a strained breath. “It takes me to a dark place, Bee. Really fucking dark.”
I leaned in and kissed him. Slow and tentative, my fingers sliding against his jaw.
“Then I guess I’ll just have to be your light.”
Levi fell to sleep like that, wrapped around me like a koala
. I don’t know if he was emotionally exhausted from our conversation, or whether he was so relieved, he managed to drift off. But after an hour, I finally slipped out of the bedroom and joined Rafe at the table.
“Where is everyone?” I asked.
“Eva’s video-calling her parents and then wants to speak to Molly. Hudson is getting some beauty sleep, and Damon is... I’m not really sure.”
“Is he okay?”
“Honestly, I’m not sure.” Rafe rubbed his jaw. “How is he?” He flicked his eyes down the bus.
“He’s sleeping.”
A knowing smirk tugged at Rafe’s mouth and I rolled my eyes. “Get your mind out of the gutter. We were talking.”
“Talking? I heard that’s what all the kids are calling it these days.”
“I think we’re okay,” I said quietly, glancing toward the bedroom door.
“It won’t be easy, you know, loving him.”
“I know. But I can’t walk away, Rafe. I won’t.”
“Good. He needs to know he’s worth fighting for. It’s all he’s ever wanted.”
“Doesn’t mean I’m not scared though.” My eyes flicked to his.
“We’ll be here to pick up the pieces when things fall apart.” His expression softened, and I frowned. “I don’t mean like that.” He smiled. “I just mean, you don’t have carry this alone. We love Levi, so fucking much it hurts. But he’s his own worst enemy sometimes. You’ve seen it, you know. He’s different with you though, and we can all see he’s trying. But it won’t be an easy road.”
“I’ve asked him to get help. I don’t know if he will or if he’s ready yet...”
“That’s good. He needs to be challenged sometimes. We’ve stood by and watched him go off the deep end too many times.” Rafe swallowed, his eyes glittering with regret.
“He’s your brother, not your responsibility.” I laid a hand on his arm.
“He’s not yours either. But here we are.”
His words were a heavy weight on my shoulders, but for the first time, I felt like maybe me and Rafe were on the same side—Levi’s side.
A faint smile traced my lips. “Maybe we can carry him together.”
The door to the bedroom opened and Levi stepped into the hall. He looked adorable, all heavy-lidded and sleepy. “Hey,” he said reaching us. “What’s going on?”
“We were just shooting the shit.”
Levi dropped down on the end of the bench and hooked an arm around my shoulder, dragging my body back into his. “You left me.”
“You were sleeping.” I tilted my face up and Levi planted a big wet sloppy kiss on my lips.
Rafe chuckled, clearing his throat.
“What?” Levi asked.
“You’re so fucking pussy-whipped. Never thought I’d see the day.”
“I am, aren’t I?” Levi puffed his chest, shooting me a blinding smile.
“You’re such a goofball.” I leaned my head on his shoulder, enjoying the feel of his arms around me.
“Don’t worry, Bee,” he whispered the words against the shell of my ear, “I’m still the hot shot rock star who will rock your world.”
I glanced up at him and smiled.
You already do.
Levi
Things were good.
No, strike that.
Things were fucking great.
Phoebe had told me she loved me, and I felt like I was on cloud fucking nine. I hadn’t realized how much I needed to hear the words until they formed on her pouty lips.
She loved me.
Me.
It blew my fucking mind. Especially after what she went through with her ex.
Fuck, listening to her confide in me about him, it was like a knife to my stomach. He’d loved her, he’d laid with her, kissed and touched her... but he’d squandered her love. Taken it for granted. And when she’d finally had the strength to walk away, he’d fallen into the clutches of darkness.
That last part I understood. If Phoebe ever left me, I would fall apart at the seams. I knew I was walking a tightrope of control. It’s just how it was being an addict. You were only ever one drink or one hit away from a full relapse. But Phoebe filled some of the cracks inside me, and not just in a superficial, Band-Aid kind of way. No, she made me feel one step closer to being whole.
I knew I still had a long fucking way to go. I knew there would road bumps along the way. I knew I would have to continually fight the little voice in my head, trying to lure me to the dark side. But it didn’t feel insurmountable anymore.
With Phoebe in my corner, I had something to fight for. Something to anchor me.
Someone to ground me.
And she loved me.
She fucking loved me.
I hadn’t said it back because I’d been so stunned... and I didn’t want to mess it up. I didn’t want to ruin the first big milestone in our relationship.
I wanted it to be perfect.
But how did I put into words what she meant to me?
The thought hit me out of left field. I needed to tell her the same way I expressed all my thoughts and feelings, through music.
“You have that look,” Rafe said as we sat around in the dressing room, waiting to go on.
We’d spent a grueling day in back-to-back interviews. After the shitshow in Portland, Alistair had given us the next few nights off. No extra shows or meet and greets. Part of me wondered if it was to contain the rumors slowly picking up pace about Hudson and Phoebe. There had been nothing in the mainstream press yet, but online sources had begun to run with it.
I was trying to not let it get to me.
Phoebe loved me.
Me.
It didn’t matter what anyone else said.
“What look?” I answered my brother.
“The look that says you’re up to something.”
“No, I don’t.”
His brow quirked up. “Levi, I know you better than anyone.”
“What’s up?” Damon came out of the bathroom, still styling his hair.
“Levi has that look.”
“Guys,” Eva said. “Leave him alone.”
“Always got my back, Angel.” I flashed her a wolfish grin.
“Always.”
Hudson sauntered into the room.
“Where the fuck have you been?”
His cheeks were flushed, and his clothes were disheveled. “I... uh...”
“Let me guess, the cute brunette with the nose piercing?” I said.
“How’d you—” He gulped, his eyes flashing to Eva.
“Don’t look at me.” She shrugged. “I’m done being in between this weird contest you have going on with Molly.”
“Contest?” That piqued my interest. “What contest?”
“There is no contest,” he grumbled.
Eva scoffed at that. “Could have fooled me. So you’re not making out with total strangers to get back at her for dating Carson?”
“Nope.” Hud dropped on the couch with a shrug. “She can date whoever she wants.”
“Hmm, Angel, I hate to break it to you, but I think they were doing a little more than making out.”
He growled in my direction, flipping me off.
“Sometimes I wonder how this is my life.” Eva groaned, and we all chuckled.
It was hard to imagine life without her now. She brought balance to the group. Perspective.
She filled a void we didn’t even realize needed filling.
“I can’t believe we only have five shows left until Europe.”
We were doing shows in four smaller cities, before ending the domestic leg of the tour in Atlanta. There was a big after-party lined up. Then we had a month to recoup before setting off for the European leg.
“I heard European girls are—”
“Hudson!” Everyone yelled.
Letty slipped into the room with Phoebe in tow. I sat up, my eyes findings hers. She came toward me and I drank her in. Skinny jeans, baggy tank top layered over another
tank. Smoky eyes and a slick ponytail. My girl looked hot.
As soon as she was close, I snagged her wrist and pulled her down on my lap. Her soft laughter was like music to my fucking ears as she wound her arm around my neck.
“Hi,” I breathed against her lips, the rest of the room already forgotten.
“Hi.” Phoebe smiled, lust and love glittering in her eyes, taunting me. Because I couldn’t do anything about it, not yet. Not when we had a show to do imminently.
“I missed you.” I stole a kiss, trying to resist the urge to plunge my tongue deep into her mouth.
“I was only gone an hour.”
“An hour too long,” I mumbled, unable to resist diving back in for another kiss. Phoebe curled a fist into my t-shirt, letting her mouth slide against mine.
Someone cleared their throat. “Okay, lovers.” It was Hudson. Annoying fucker. “Let’s not forgot where we are.”
“Uh... sorry.” Phoebe was flushed and I fucking loved that I was the one to put it there.
The door opened again, and Alistair stepped inside. Phoebe tensed, trying to wiggle off my lap but I locked my arms around her.
His eyes went straight to us, a deep frown crinkling his brows. I held his stare, daring him to say anything. It was a dick move. Alistair was our manager. He had our best interests at heart, I knew that. But Phoebe was non-negotiable as far as I was concerned.
I didn’t just want her, I needed her. The sooner he realized that, the better this would go for everyone.
He cleared his throat, and finally glanced away. “All set?”
“We’re good, Ali, boy. You don’t gotta worry.”
“We’re on the homestretch now,” he said, flicking his concerned gaze to mine again. “We only have to get through another five shows. Nine more days and then you can have some much-deserved downtime.”
“Fuck yeah.” Hudson fist pumped the air.
“Before you go out there, I have some news. I just got the official word Drown has hit number one on the Billboard Hot 100 Chart.”
“W- what?” Eva gasped. “But... that can’t be...” She clutched her throat, all the blood drained from her face.
“You’re number one, Eva. Congratulations.”
“Lap it up, Angel.” I winked at her. “It’s only a taste of things to come.”
