Going Under (Wildfire Lake Book 2)

by Skye Jordan

  Ben sighs and turns into his driveway, reaching up to tap the garage door opener. “I’ve got kids who love you, Kat, so it’s an issue I have to think about in advance.” He pulls into the garage, shuts down the SUV, and meets my gaze. “They’ve already lost one mom. I’d like to be able to look into the future and be reasonably sure they’re not going to lose another.”

  Mom? Mom?

  Jesus Christ, this just got very real. And more than a little terrifying. “I don’t know what you want me to say. I don’t feel like it would be honest to promise you something that far into the future. As far as staying physically safe, I’ve already told you about all the security measures I take on the boat. Plus, Jaime said he’d come on the first leg of my first trip, which I don’t think is a bad idea. He can help with my transition to a new boat.”

  “Whoa.” He puts up a hand and looks at me like I’ve got pansies growing out of my ears. “What?”

  “What what? We’re friends. Friends sail with friends all the time. People are always hopping rides to the next destination.”

  His gaze is fiery angry. He may not blow up often, but I’m pretty sure I’m about to witness one of his explosions. He climbs from the car and slams the door so hard, I flinch and look back at the girls. They’re still completely out.

  Ben is standing with his back to the car, hands on hips, head tilted down like he’s staring at the floor in thought. I give it a few long moments, hoping that anger was just a flash in the pan. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to fight, don’t want to be at odds, don’t want the mess. I really just want to take Ben inside and make him forget all about other men and the time we’ll be apart.

  He shakes his head, clearly having some kind of argument with himself.

  I reach for the door handle and slide out of the car. My stomach aches like I’m getting the flu.

  He turns toward me, arms lifted to the sides before they fall again. “Do you even see why this is a problem for me?” He doesn’t wait for an answer. “It would be like me reconnecting with a woman I had an affair with in medical school and allowing her to not only stay with me here,” he says, gesturing to the house, “but sleep in my bed. Would that be okay with you?”

  “Jaime and I didn’t have an affair, we had sex. Once. And he’s not going to be sleeping in my bed.”

  “We’ve had sex twice,” Ben says. “What does that make me? A good friend?”

  His sarcasm stings. “That’s not—”

  “And I saw the size of that catamaran. There’s no conceivable way for you to avoid each other if you’re living on it together. I saw the way he looks at you, Kat. If you’re within reach, he’s going to touch.”

  I blow out a breath. My stomach feels as tight as if it’s tied in a dozen knots. Tears sting my eyes, but I don’t know why. Is it the conflict? Is it the fear that I’ve hurt him? Or am I afraid of losing him?

  I’ve never been here before. I don’t fucking know. Right now, all I know is I want to touch him. I move toward him and slide my arms around his waist. He steps back, puts his hands on my shoulders like he’s going to push me away.

  “Ben, stop.” He meets my gaze, but it hurts to see the skepticism in his expression. “You make it sound like I have no control over my desires, and that’s just not true. I have sex when I want with whom I want because it’s a conscious choice, not because I can’t control myself.”

  “That’s not what I meant. I just know you have a healthy sex drive, you’re young, gorgeous, free. You should have sex when you want with whomever you want. But I’m realizing that’s not a scenario I could live with.”

  “You sound like you’re looking for an excuse to push me away.”

  “No, I’m looking for a reason not to, but you’re not giving me much to work with. I love you, Kat,” he says with extra force, almost as if he’s angry. “I fucking love you, so no, I can’t say I’m okay with the thought of you with someone else.”

  The declaration stuns me. No one has ever said they loved me before. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel, but what comes to the surface first is fear.

  I let him go and step back. “I don’t know what you want me to say here. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, so I’m not going to say something you want to hear because you want to hear it.”

  “I don’t know what I want you to say either, because it’s obvious we want two different things. I thought I could work with the distance. God knows you’re the only woman I want, but I can’t continue down this road pretending that when the time comes for you to leave, I won’t be heartbroken. That the girls won’t be heartbroken. Or that I won’t drive myself crazy with jealousy wondering who you’re with at any given time.”

  The burn of something just short of panic stings my belly. “A week ago, we worked out a plan to see each other almost every month. Why is that suddenly not enough?”

  “Because I’m not sure it’s going to happen. And I’m beginning to doubt your ability to feel the same way about me. Jaime said something that opened my eyes today. ‘The minute she sails, she belongs to the sea. Port to port. Man to man.’”

  “Fucking Jaime,” I say. “Problem solved. That bastard’s never setting foot on my boat again.”

  “Problem not solved, because Jaime is only one man out of all the eligible men out there. And his take on your lifestyle isn’t just plausible, but probable. I don’t want to believe it, and if this was just me, you bet your ass I’d ignore all the possible problems and take my chances with you, but it’s not just me, and to ignore it means putting their hearts at risk.” He gestures toward the car. “I couldn’t live like that, waiting for the phone call where you say you don’t want to do the distance thing anymore because you’ve got men lined up to be with you.” He exhales, and his shoulders slide lower. “I think it would be better for all of us if you and I just…stopped.”

  He makes a motion like he’s calling someone safe at home plate. The rejection feels like a kick to my gut, and my lungs freeze to absorb the blow.

  “Violet can keep helping you at the marina, and you can still give her sailing lessons if you want, but I don’t want to give them the false hope that you and I are going to be together. I should never have even entertained the possibility…” He doesn’t finish, just shakes his head. “I’m so fucking stupid.”

  I don’t know what to do. Don’t know what to say. I don’t want things to change, but I know they can’t stay the same either.

  “I care about you, Ben, and you know I love the girls. But we’ve only been together a little over a month, and I’ve been cultivating this dream for decades.”

  “I know. That’s why I’m not asking you to give it up and stay, but I also know first-hand just how short life can be, so I don’t want to put us on hold.”

  “There’s got to be a way we can work this out.”

  He wipes a hand down his face, walks around me, and starts to pull open the door to the back seat. “If you figure it out, let me know.”

  “Hey.” I put my hand against the door, angry at the flippant reply. “You know this is new for me. I’ve told you I’m not sure how to navigate a relationship like this, and you said you understood.”

  He puts a hand against the car and his jaw is ticking again.

  “A week ago, you said you knew what I was made of,” I say. “Now you’re accusing me of wanting to jump on the first guy I see after I leave here, six months in the future.” I release the door. “I don’t know how I’m going to feel in six months, but you’ve evidently already figured it out for both of us. Pushing me away is nothing but a fucking catalyst toward making your prediction a reality.”

  He exhales and looks at the ground, clearly troubled, but he doesn’t apologize for jumping to conclusions.

  I turn to walk away, then turn back. “You just told me you loved me and then broke up with me in the same fucking conversation. I may not know the ins and outs of a romantic relationship, but I’m sure as shit that’s fucked up
.”

  Now, I do walk away. I might not understand relationship etiquette or what’s happening inside me, but I know it hurts. And I know I’m losing more than someone to have sex with. A lot more.

  20

  Ben

  I’m exhausted by the time I climb into my car to head home from the hospital. Every day without Kat gets a little harder, not easier. I hurt more, not less. And now, two weeks from the last time I kissed her, I’m as hollow as the shell of a cocoon.

  I turn the key and let the SUV idle while I think about Kat. I’ve seen her a few times over the last couple of weeks, either when she’s walked Violet home or when I’ve picked Violet up from the marina. She’s the same woman I met almost two months ago, beautiful and easygoing, but now also distant, guarded, and not any happier than I am.

  There’s only one thing that’s going to tell me whether I did the right thing by ending our relationship, and that’s time. Unfortunately, if I was wrong, it will be too late to do anything about it.

  I wish I could see the future as clearly as I could when I called off our relationship.

  Pulling out of my parking spot, I head home, trying to brush away the darkness so I can be one hundred percent Dad when I get there.

  Spring break is coming up soon, and if I want to take the girls somewhere, I need to make reservations. I nix the idea of camping as soon as it comes to mind. That’s way too much work for me to be considered a vacation. Theme park also gets killed almost immediately. Jazz isn’t big enough to go on many of the rides, but Poppy is too scared to go without me.

  Santa Barbara is probably the best idea. There’s the zoo and shopping and a natural history museum. I could probably manage kayaking if Jazz went in a boat with me and Poppy went in a boat with Violet.

  But the idea leaves me listless, prompting my thoughts toward Kat. If I hadn’t messed that up, we could have rented a sailboat and have Kat take us out to the Channel Islands. We could take hikes and snorkel. We could all learn to sail. It would have been the perfect introduction to the amazing life Kat offered us less than a month ago. I can’t help but think about getting the kids back on the boat after a fun day, eating dinner on the deck, lying in the forward hammocks strung between the hulls, watching the sun set with a glass of wine.

  As I turn the corner toward the house, a smile is tugging at my mouth and my heart feels light. Until I come up on the entrance to the marina and realize I killed that dream before it even had time to materialize.

  I make a split-second decision to turn, and instead of continuing home, I pull to a stop near Kat’s truck. The docks are quiet. I know Violet isn’t here because she’s got gymnastics practice this afternoon, but I don’t see or hear Kat either, and there’s no construction happening on the market at the front of the property. Kat probably ended work early today. She’s either in her houseboat or with one of the other women.

  I should leave. I don’t even know why I stopped. Maybe just to feel closer to her.

  I’m about to take my foot off the brake and turn around when I see movement on the dock. Chloe just left her houseboat and is headed toward the parking lot. Now I have to stay and say hi or I’ll look like a creepy stalker.

  Chloe waves, and I roll down my window. She’s smiling as she comes up to the driver’s side of the car. “Hey, you.” She looks into the SUV. “No kids?”

  “On my way home from work. I forgot Violet wasn’t coming today.”

  “For the rest of the week, actually. KT went out of town.”

  That surprises me. “She did?” It’s none of my business, but I ask anyway. “Where?”

  “Guatemala.”

  That surprises me even more. Then I think of Jaime, and all my muscles coil tight again. I can’t help but wonder if she’s rebounding with the old flame somewhere tropical and—

  “She got a lead on a sailboat,” Chloe says. “Said it’s the exact kind she’s been looking for. Supposedly, a deal she couldn’t pass up.”

  “Oh.” The word comes out on an exhale. “Did she…go with anyone?”

  “No, she doesn’t need anyone.” Chloe grins. “I swear she knows more about sailboats than the navy.”

  She doesn’t need anyone. The phrase pulls up a vivid memory from about a month ago and Kat saying, I never need anyone. Least of all a man. I never have. But, that said, there’s no denying that I want you. I want you more than I’ve wanted anyone in longer than I can remember.

  My gut aches, but I force a smile. “Thanks.”

  “Are you doing okay?” Chloe asks, more serious. “KT told me you two called things off.”

  I release a long breath. “Yeah, I did.” I rest my elbow on the window ledge and rub my forehead. “I don’t know what I am, but I’ve got three little girls who need me to be okay, so…”

  “The show goes on.”

  “Yep.”

  Chloe doesn’t turn to leave. She doesn’t ask any questions. She just waits with a still, solid presence I find soothing.

  “Kat always says she’s at a disadvantage because she’s never been in a relationship,” I say, “but in truth, I think she’s coping with all this way better than I ever did.”

  “She’s extremely self-confident, but when it comes to vulnerability, she stumbles.” Chloe hikes the strap of her yoga mat higher up her shoulder. “I think we all do to some extent. Protecting ourselves in the face of perceived harm is hardwired into our DNA. Maybe that’s just what you were doing when you ended things. Protecting yourself and your daughters.”

  I give an absent nod.

  “But I’ll tell you what I told her,” Chloe says. “Without vulnerability, there is no connection. Without connection, there is only isolation.”

  I stare at her a minute, trying to get my mind around the idea.

  “That’s all the wisdom I can share today,” Chloe says, extra perky. “I’ve got thirty men and women waiting for sweaty torture.”

  That makes me laugh, and Chloe continues to her car and waves on the way out of the lot, but I sit there, staring at the empty marina. Without Kat here, all the sparkle of the place fades until the lake seems two-dimensional and lifeless. Colorless. Without Kat here, there is no glow.

  My life feels the same way. And sitting here looking at the emptiness of the marina, I see my future without Kat. Quiet, dark, lifeless.

  Sure, I can easily get caught up in the whirlwind of filling the needs of my daughters, giving them the best life I can, but that’s not a full life for me. That’s existing.

  I realize in that instant that without Kat, the scope of my life has already narrowed back down to that tiny window I was seeing through when I arrived.

  I make a U-turn and continue toward home with depression lying across my shoulders. I’m happy she found the boat she wanted, but I’m sad it’s not the catamaran. I’m glad she’s strong enough to handle the end of our relationship well, but I’m angry with myself for pushing it until we broke.

  But once I walk in the house and the girls run to me for hugs, I know that even if my view is only ten percent of what life has to offer, it’s the most important and precious ten percent.

  Poppy and the nanny have cooked dinner, and after the nanny leaves, I’m caught in a whirlwind of homework, showers, and bedtime stories.

  My last stop before I return to the kitchen to clean up is Violet’s room, where she’s tucked into her pretty pink bedding, warm golden light spilling over her from the nightstand lamp. I drop to a seat beside her, brush her hair from her forehead, and kiss her there. “Good night, honey.”

  “Daddy?”

  “Mmm-hmm?”

  Her blue eyes meet mine. “Can you be friends with Kat again?”

  My heart hitches a beat. “We are friends.”

  “No, I mean the way you were before, when you liked each other.”

  I sigh and search for an explanation an eleven-year-old would understand.

  “Because neither of you are happy anymore,” she says.

  I’m annoyed
with myself for not covering my feelings better. “I am happy, honey.”

  “Not the way you were when you were with Kat. And she’s not happy either. You both try to pretend, and you both suck at it.”

  I huff a laugh, but it’s both surprising and heartbreaking to hear Kat is hurting too. I didn’t realize that I assumed she’d gone on with life as if I was nothing but a blip on her radar until now.

  “When you and Kat liked each other, it’s the happiest you’ve been since Mama got sick.”

  That hits me hard. To realize she’s been watching me suffer for years feels like a blow that will be hard to recover from.

  “Why don’t you like each other anymore?”

  “We do, honey. I can’t speak for Kat, but I think the reason we’re both a little down is because we both like each other a lot.”

  “Then what’s the problem?”

  Her impression of an annoyed adult makes me laugh, but she’s serious. I won’t be getting out of this conversation without a solid explanation.

  “The problem is that we want different things from life right now.” I explain that there are seasons in life like there are throughout the year. “Kat is at a time in her life where she wants to travel, and I’m at a time when I’m focused on raising you and your sisters.”

  “Why can’t we do all that together?”

  I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Honey, life isn’t quite that easy to manipulate.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean you and your sisters have school and I have work and our family is here and we have this house. I have a lot of responsibility, and my biggest and most important responsibility is to create a good life for you and your sisters. I promised your mom I would do everything in my power to make you three happy.”

  “What about you? Didn’t Mama want you to be happy too?”

  Sometimes Jana’s death feels decades past. Sometimes, like now, it feels like it happened last month. “Of course she did, but she also understood that sometimes a parent’s happiness has to come second to their children’s.”