I Am Quinn

by McGarvey Black

  Chapter 41

  QUINN

  I didn’t always know for sure, but eventually, I discovered my husband was cheating on me. I found out about ‘Dr. A’. I may have had a mental illness, but I’m not stupid.

  It was about seven or eight years before we separated. There was an opening of a new sports center at UR. Alec asked me to go, and we brought Hannah and Jack with us. The kids were around eleven and twelve then. I didn’t attend many events at the school anymore, so no one knew who I was. During the reception, I excused myself to go to the ladies’ room. I had just closed the door to my stall when I heard the main bathroom door open and two women enter. I could tell by what they were discussing that they were students.

  They went into stalls on either side of me and continued their conversation. I think it’s impolite to keep talking while you’re peeing but that’s just me.

  ‘Are you going to the Sigma Tau party tonight?’ said one of them.

  ‘If I finish my History paper,’ groaned the other.

  ‘Who are you kidding? You know Dr. A will give you the A even if you turn in a blank page,’ said the first girl, laughing.

  ‘That’s not true,’ said the second girl coyly from her stall.

  ‘We’re talking about Dr. A,’ said the first girl. ‘Give him some ass, you’ll be sure to pass.’

  ‘Give him a lay, and you get your A,’ giggled the second girl. Then both toilets flushed and the voices moved to the sinks and left. Frozen inside my stall, I collected myself and pulled up my pants.

  Were they talking about Alec? They said a ‘history paper’. It couldn’t be Alec because they called him Dr. A. Alec would be Dr. R. There must be loads of other professors at the university whose last name begins with A. I remember Alec talking about a professor named, Dr. Abbott who teaches History. They must have been referring to him. I can’t believe teachers give out grades for sex.

  I walked back to the reception, got another glass of chardonnay and made small talk with some of the other guests. A few people gave speeches, and there was lots of applause. I casually asked Alec if anyone else from the History Department was at the party. He identified a few of his colleagues in the crowd.

  ‘Everyone is here,’ he said. ‘The president wanted the whole department to show.’

  ‘Point people out to me. It’s been a while since I’ve been over here. Wasn’t there a Dr. Abbott?’ I asked. ‘For some reason, I remember that name. Is he here?’

  ‘What makes you ask about Abbott?’ Alec said. ‘She’s right there, the one in the red jacket and black skirt.’

  Dr. Abbott is a woman. Then she can’t be Dr. A. Those girls were definitely talking about a man.

  I asked Alec to tell me the names of all the professors in his department. He rattled them off, and Abbott was the only one whose last name began with A.

  At the time, I convinced myself that Alec couldn’t be Dr. A. Maybe those girls only called their mystery man Dr. A because they got an ‘A’ in the class. Deep down, I probably knew then it was my husband but couldn’t admit it to myself. I wasn’t ready to accept it until much later. Funny the things you can convince yourself of if you try hard enough.

  Chapter 42

  Divorce is a messy business with lots of collateral damage. It’s not for the faint of heart.

  Most of Barbara Waxman’s clients were so emotionally spent by the time she met with them that they didn’t know what they wanted. Her job as a divorce attorney was to listen, advise and then help them figure out the best way forward.

  At $325 an hour, people needed to decide pretty quickly what their end game was or it got expensive. If someone just wanted to get something off their chest, it was a lot cheaper to go to a therapist for $150 an hour. When it came to lawyers, every minute was billable. Don’t ask a lawyer how they are, because they’ll have to charge you for the time they take to tell you. Not Barbara Waxman’s rules; the firm’s.

  The first time Quinn Delaney walked into her office, she was all fired up. That week, her husband of about twenty years had told her he wanted a divorce, no counseling, no negotiating, he just wanted out. Apparently, Alec had a girlfriend. Quinn had been suspicious of other women, but every time she’d point out a lie or bring something up, he was always ready with an excuse.

  ‘He told me I was paranoid and crazy when I found his secret plane tickets to the Bahamas,’ Quinn said that first day. ‘He made me go to a shrink and then he put me in a mental hospital for observation.’

  At first blush, Quinn Roberts’ situation sounded like every other divorce Barbara Waxman had worked on. It was textbook, or at least that’s how it looked in the beginning of their meeting. Pretty wife at home is taking care of the family, wrapped up in school and after-school activities. She’s more focused on the kids than the husband, but the husband’s ego needs stroking. He’s out in the workplace where other women think he’s the bomb and he starts playing around with a co-worker. Then the wife notices something. She wants to know why he’s going out every night, or why he has a tan when he went to a convention in Minnesota in January. He turns everything around so that it’s all her fault. Nine out of ten times, her husband is a liar. Make that ten out of ten. He’s not the same sweet guy who got down on one knee and slipped a diamond ring on to her finger. He’s evolved. He wants a second shot with a newer model so he can feel like he’s twenty-five again. Barbara had seen it a hundred times – make that two hundred. But the hospital part, even with all the whacky marital stories she’d heard over the years – that was unusual. Barbara made a note to herself.

  ‘I didn’t think anything about him being out so often because he was so involved at the university,’ Quinn continued. ‘And then I’d find things like tickets or charges on our Visa bill that didn’t jive with where he said he was.’

  ‘I see,’ Barbara said, running her fingers through her long, curly, salt and pepper hair as she wrote down a few more notes. She was listening to Quinn, but she was also thinking about what she was going to order for lunch. Big decision; tuna or egg salad.

  ‘I was able to deal with his mood swings and even him being out all the time,’ Quinn continued, ‘but he started to push me around, and one night he knocked me down and tried to choke me. I thought he was going to kill me.’

  Barbara stopped planning her lunch order and looked up at her client.

  ‘He gets physical with you?’ Barbara said.

  ‘Sometimes,’ Quinn said softly. ‘In the beginning, it was only once or twice. Then it happened whenever he didn’t like what I said or how I looked. Sometimes I didn’t even know what set him off. He’d knock me down or twist my arm back or lock me in a closet. Is it considered rape when you’re married?’

  Barbara sat up tall in her chair and pushed herself back from her desk. When it came to spousal abuse or spousal rape, Barbara Waxman, Esq., loaded her gun and went into battle mode. Domestic violence was never okay. She often pondered how ironic it was that she spent her life untangling marriages while she herself had never gotten married.

  ‘Quinn, listen to me,’ said Barbara. ‘I’m going to look out for you, do you understand?’

  Quinn nodded.

  ‘I’ll deal with his lawyer but in the meantime, I want you to go meet with a domestic violence group here in town,’ she said, handing Quinn a card. ‘You’ll see you’re not the only one. Those women have been through the same thing you have, some much worse. They’re a wonderful support network and they’ll help you get through this. You’ve got to promise me you’ll go.’

  Quinn nodded again.

  After hearing marital stories like Quinn Roberts’, Barbara had zero interest in the institution. She would be Quinn Roberts’ champion and provide her with her full attention and protection. Alec Roberts would have to go through her if he wanted to get to his wife, and Barbara Waxman was a force to be reckoned with.

  Chapter 43

  When the phone rang, and the caller ID displayed Quinn’s number, Erin took a deep breat
h and reached for the phone. She never knew what state her sister was going to be in these days.

  ‘Hey, sister-sister,’ Erin said cheerfully. ‘What’s up?’

  ‘I need to ask you a question,’ Quinn said, her voice low and flat with no emotion. ‘Do you know where I can buy a shotgun? Because I want to kill myself.’

  ‘Talk to me,’ Erin said, panicking. ‘Did you take your medication today?’

  ‘I just want to know if you know where I can get one,’ her sister asked again.

  ‘Listen to me,’ Erin said. ‘I can tell from the way you sound that you did not take your meds.’

  Silence.

  ‘Quinnie. Answer me, did you take your pills this week?’ Erin demanded.

  ‘I don’t know,’ Quinn said. ‘Right now, I just need to find a gun.’

  ‘Listen carefully,’ Erin pleaded. ‘You only feel this way because you didn’t take your medication. We’ve talked about this. Remember that day you and I went for a hike up at Devil’s Den? It was sunny and warm, and we were laughing and giggling like we did when we were little. You were happy. I told you I was grateful to have my sister back. You said you felt like yourself again. Remember?’

  Silence.

  ‘Quinn?’

  ‘I need to find a gun,’ she said for the third time. ‘My husband of twenty years has a girlfriend. He doesn’t want me anymore. I don’t want to be alone.’ Then she began to cry.

  ‘Take a deep breath,’ Erin pleaded. ‘You already knew about Alec’s girlfriends. That’s been going on for years. He’s a dick and one day he’ll burn in a bad place. I personally will light the match.’

  Silence.

  ‘Try and remember all the bad stuff that Alec did to you,’ Erin continued. ‘He shoved you and pushed you around. He locked you out of the house and in the hall closet. That’s why you went to the domestic violence support group.’

  Silence.

  ‘If Alec has a girlfriend, you should feel sorry for her. He’ll do the same thing to her that he did to you,’ Erin said. ‘A leopard doesn’t change their spots. Alec is a world-class leopard. Don’t let that asshole define you.’

  Silence.

  ‘Look, what you’re feeling now has nothing to do with him. It has everything to do with your medication. Think about what we said on our hike.’

  ‘No,’ said Quinn. ‘I don’t want to.’

  At least, thought Erin, her sister had answered her and stopped talking about the gun. That was progress.

  ‘You promised to remember how good you felt that day. You had been taking your prescriptions, and you told me you felt normal and happy. Do you recall that?’

  ‘Yes,’ Quinn said. ‘I remember.’

  Erin let out a sigh of relief. ‘Then I’m asking you again. Quinn, have you been taking your meds?’

  ‘I don’t like the way they make me feel, so I take the ones I want and not the others,’ she said sounding like a little child.

  ‘Quinn,’ Erin said, trying a little tough love, ‘since when did you get a medical degree? Last time I checked you had a BA in Communications with a minor in English.’

  Silence.

  Then, Erin heard it. Very faint at first; it was laughter. Then the laughter got louder, and she knew the old Quinn was still in there trying to get out. Somehow, she had made her sister see the ridiculousness of their gun conversation and Quinn was actually laughing at herself. The crisis momentarily averted but Erin knew it was only temporary, the battle won but not the war.

  After a long pause in the conversation, Erin tried to think of her next move.

  ‘Erin,’ Quinn said softly, ‘I’ve been hearing voices.’

  Shit, Erin thought. She’s getting worse. It was crystal clear, her forty-something sister needed a babysitter, at least until she stabilized. If Alec hadn’t moved her so far away from the people that really cared about her, Quinn would never have gotten so bad. Erin would have seen to that.

  Fifteen minutes later, Erin was in her car headed to upstate New York to bring her sister back to New Jersey for a while. Quinn couldn’t be left alone or they’d lose her forever.

  Chapter 44

  QUINN

  I think my phone call freaked my sister out. I didn’t mean to. When I called her, I really did want to get a gun to kill myself. I hated being alone in that stupid apartment in Newbridge. I wanted to be back in my house in Avon.

  Alec wasn’t perfect, but he was still my husband. At least when I was with him I had a place in the world and a family and a home. He wasn’t bad to me all the time. He never punched me. He just shoved me a little or twisted my arms, pulled my hair. He did choke me that one time, but he didn’t mean to. A few times he locked me out of the house, but he said it was because I got on his nerves. He was tired of my mood changes and sometimes I made him crazy. Could I really blame him? It was partly my fault he acted so mean. He said he was tired of taking care of me. He always apologized afterward and then we’d be happy for a while. Now he didn’t want me at all.

  I told Erin about the voices. She kind of bugged out.

  ‘You hear voices, you mean like the Son of Sam?’

  ‘Who’s the Son of Sam?’

  ‘That New York serial killer from the seventies,’ Erin said. ‘He heard voices from a dog telling him to kill people. You mean like that?’

  ‘No,’ I said. ‘They’re normal voices. They don’t tell me to do anything or kill anyone. You really must think I’m nuts.’

  ‘I don’t understand,’ Erin said. ‘Can you explain the voices a little more?’

  ‘I’ll be sitting on my couch looking at a magazine, and I’ll hear Mom’s voice from behind me saying, “Quinn, can you help me with something in the kitchen?” I’ll turn around, and of course, Mom isn’t there.’

  ‘So,’ said Erin, ‘do you hear these voices inside your head? Or do you hear them with your ears like a real sound?’

  ‘I hear them with my ears. I hear sound, not from inside my head,’ I said. ‘They’re not scary voices, they’re people I know, like you or Colleen or Mom. When I hear them, they’re about ordinary things. No dogs or killing. Nothing like that.’

  ‘Does it happen often?’

  ‘It used to be once in a while, but now I hear them almost every day. Do you think I’m crazy?’

  Erin got very serious and assured me everything was going to be alright, that I just had a chemical imbalance. She made me promise to take my meds while she and Mike figured out what to do.

  ‘I love you, Quinn.’

  I promised her I would try and take my medication, but I didn’t know if I would. The meds made me feel strange and gummy. Some days I felt as if I was going to explode, and other times I felt absolutely nothing. I wasn’t sure which scared me more.

  Part IV

  AS MY MARRIAGE CRUMBLED

  Chapter 45

  QUINN

  Our divorce lawyers had been fighting over the terms of our agreement and Alec had been particularly nasty the last time he and I talked. He always confused me. On the days my head was foggy, I wanted it to be over and was ready to give my husband whatever he wanted. My lawyer, Barbara, would find out I gave in to certain things and she’d reel me in. She’d call Alec’s lawyer and tell him whatever I had said ‘yes’ to was off the table. Then Alec would call me up, screaming. Round and round we’d go.

  Some days, I desperately wanted him back. I missed my old life with Alec and our kids. It wasn’t perfect, but it was mine. Other times, when my thoughts were clear, I’d become furious and wanted Alec to fry in hell for how badly he treated me. He should feel the pain I felt and know what it was like to be thrown away like garbage. I flipped and I flopped. I was in the middle of my own mental shitstorm and couldn’t find the exit.

  Every day, I paced around my small, sad apartment trying to make sense of my new solo life. I couldn’t hold on to a thought for more than a few seconds, and it frustrated me. What was the point of it all? I wondered, until I lost that thought too.
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  Erin picked me up and brought me back to New Jersey for a few weeks. When I stayed at her house, I think I was content. She was always around and made sure I got exercise, good food and took my meds when I was supposed to. My parents were around too and I felt safe again, something I hadn’t felt in a long time.

  Being in New Jersey was good, but I missed my kids and wanted to go back home. After a few weeks, Erin drove me back to upstate New York, so we could look for a new apartment in Newbridge, closer to my kids. Erin thought there would be more job opportunities for me there. Newbridge also put a little distance between me and you-know-who. After I found the place, my sister stocked my new apartment with food, bought me some plants and knick-knacks, put up some curtains and found me a new doctor and a psychiatrist. She stayed a few extra days to get me settled, but then she left, and I was by myself again. Alone.

  The one question I asked myself over and over was, how did I end up here? This wasn’t supposed to be how the great Quinntessa’s life turned out. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

  Chapter 46

  The first time Quinn went to see Dr. Judith Shapiro, she was in bad shape. Erin accompanied her and filled in all the missing pieces. Quinn didn’t speak much that first day and presented as flat and distant. The doctor wasn’t sure Quinn was even listening to what they were saying.

  Physically, Quinn was gaunt and tired. Her movements were wooden and lethargic, and her body language screamed, ‘I give up’.

  ‘About a year ago, my sister’s husband had her hospitalized for observation,’ Erin explained to the doctor. ‘The day Quinn was released, he told her he wanted a divorce.’