Break Even

by Lisa De Jong

  I’m pathetic. I imagine him touching me there. I imagine pulsing around his fingers. I imagine pulsing around him.

  “What are you thinking about?” he asks, breaking me from my erotic daydream.

  The truth will come with consequences. He won’t let me forget my next word.

  “You,” I breathe, still feeling the physical effects of his touch.

  His finger slides along my panties. “Do you want me to touch you here? I’d fuck you for hours, beautiful, and when I was done, no one else would ever be enough.”

  “River,” I moan, his finger tracing the line of lace.

  “I’d show you heaven and hell all in one night. Is that what you want, Marley? Do you want me to fuck you?”

  I grip the door handle like it’s my lifeline, unable to speak. Instead, I open my eyes and stare at his profile. There’s so much I don’t know about River, but for some damn reason I need him.

  He’s a magnet.

  I’m nickel.

  He wants me.

  I need to feel wanted.

  Days of loneliness, and he’s filled each one.

  He stops along the side of a quiet street, pouring rain now making it impossible to see more than a few feet in front of the car.

  It’s too hot. I feel too much … too much desire … too much guilt. It whirls until I can’t take it.

  “I need to get out of here,” I admit, pushing the door open before he has a chance to stop me. Huge drops soak my hair and dress. They’re welcome because they hide the rain that falls from my eyes from the storm raging from within.

  Cole should be here. He should be the one taking me to dinner, watching me blow the candles out. Instead, Cole became my wish … my wish for something better.

  A wish another man is granting.

  When I look up through the pouring rain, River is standing in front of me in his soaked white dress shirt. His hand cups my cheek, his thumb brushing away one of the tears I thought I could hide.

  “Don’t run,” he begs, his lips so close to mine, I practically taste them.

  “I wasn’t running.”

  “From this you were.” He wraps his arm around my waist, lifting me until I’m seated on the hood of his car with him between my legs.

  I open my mouth to argue, but the nickel can’t refuse the magnet. His lips brush mine once, then both his hands are framing my face, his mouth melting to mine as rain pelts us. I push against his chest, but my strength is weakened by the way his tongue traces my lips. The way his fingers work into my hair to pull me even closer. I give in, sliding my hands up his chest and wrapping my arms tightly around his neck.

  I hate him.

  I want him.

  I loathe him.

  I need him.

  His hands leave my hair, sliding down between my breasts to my bare thighs. His thumbs circle against my skin as he slips his tongue between my lips.

  You haven’t lived unless you’ve kissed in the rain.

  River moans, and I see Cole in my mind. The familiar guilt builds. I crawl back down to Earth—my sad, lonely Earth.

  I push against his chest as hard as I can. “I can’t do this.”

  “If you didn’t want this, you wouldn’t be here. I know you enough to realize you only do what you want.”

  “I’m married.”

  “And where is he right now?”

  He’s gone. He’s gone a lot. He’s even gone on my birthday.

  “That doesn’t matter,” I answer. My lips quiver from the coolness of the rain … from the sad confusion that’s taken residence in my heart. I’ve asked it to vacate over and over, but it doesn’t listen.

  My stupid heart never listens.

  Hands wrap around my knees, and I’m pulled to the edge of the hood—closer to him. “Tell me you don’t want this.”

  “I can’t,” I mouth.

  “Why not?” His voice is deep—sexy.

  The magnet pulls.

  The nickel barely resists.

  “Because I want you so much I can barely breathe,” I answer, choking back tears.

  “Come home with me then.”

  “River—”

  His finger presses against my lips. “Just one night. Give me one night.”

  I never intended to go, but I’m already gone. There’s something about him I can’t get over, and when you mix that with the vacant feeling I’ve had for months, it’s a dangerous cocktail.

  There are no feelings attached, and Cole never has to know.

  “One night,” I reaffirm, fisting his wet shirt as rain drips from my lashes.

  He kisses me again, wrapping his arms around my waist. “You won’t regret it. You definitely won’t regret it.”

  Rain pelts my face. I have minutes to change my mind, but I can’t.

  “All I want is you tonight,” he says against my ear.

  He may feel like the king in our chess match, but he’s merely a pawn. For tonight, he’s going to make me feel better … help me forget everything.

  “What are we waiting for?” I ask, lips brushing about his ear. This is a whole new game for me, and I have to play the part.

  He lifts me from the car, carrying me to the passenger side. As soon as he sets me inside, my wet legs cling to the leather.

  Before he puts the car back into drive, he glances over at me. “Do you want to make a bet on how many times I can make you come?”

  His words alone could bring on orgasm number one.

  “Something tells me I’d lose,” I admit, my chest heaving.

  “Pull your skirt up.”

  “What?”

  “I said pull your skirt up.”

  I do as he asks, feeling my cheeks burn, but also aroused. I’ve never been with anyone like this.

  He stares, sliding his tongue over his lower lip. “Take those pretty little panties off.”

  “River—”

  “What did I ask you to do, Marley?”

  His tone turns my dull ache to agony. I brace my heels against the floor to lift myself from the seat and work my panties down. I hear his heavy breaths as I sit back down, hiking my skirt back up. I carefully pull the seatbelt on and stare forward, too afraid of what I might see if I look at him.

  His hand comes under my chin, forcing my eyes to him. “Keep your eyes on me. I don’t want you to think about anyone but me. Am I clear?”

  I nod.

  “And remember this is just an appetizer.” He smiles as he lets go. “Scoot down just a little for me.”

  I slip down in my seat as much as I can with the seatbelt.

  “That’s it. Now, just enjoy the ride.”

  The car shifts into drive as his hand finds my thigh again. He wastes no time before brushing his fingers between my legs.

  “You’re so fucking wet … the things I’m going to be able to do to this little body later. Heaven and hell, beautiful. Remember that.”

  He rubs his fingers against my sensitive flesh. Slow. Methodical. Enough to heighten my arousal, but not enough to bring me to the peak. Everything else disappears.

  When the car comes to a stop at a red light, he leans in, inserting two large fingers inside me, slowly pumping them in and out. And, when the light turns green, I groan in frustration as his fingers start with the slow circles again.

  “How bad do you want this?” he asks, voice husky. He’s thinking about being inside me just as much as I want him inside me.

  “Now, River. Please,” I beg.

  “We have a few more minutes before we get to my place. I should make it worth your while, don’t you think?”

  I wiggle against him, trying to create the pressure I need.

  Another red light. This time, he kisses me as his fingers enter me. His thumb works my clit, pressing harder. I pulse around him almost instantly, biting down on his lower lip.

  A horn honks. River pulls away, letting his eyes linger on me before putting his foot on the gas. I’ve never been more turned on in my entire life. Not even close.
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  “If the rest of the night is anything like that,” he starts, “I might see heaven and hell.”

  His wet fingers slip down my thigh, taking my skirt down with them as we pull into a parking garage.

  My heart is racing so fast at the thought of what just happened … at the thought of what’s to come. River Holtz has already taken me on a ride I’ll never forget.

  MY LEGS SHAKE AS I CRAWL out of the car in my rain-soaked dress. River is right there, using his arm to steady me as we make our way across the lot to the elevator.

  Once inside, he presses me against the wall, pinning my arms above my head as his lips blaze a trail down my throat. With his body so close to mine, his arousal is evident. I want to feel him in my hand … to return some of the favor, but since I can’t, I press my hips against his.

  “As soon as we’re in my condo…” He’s having trouble catching his breath. “As soon as we’re in my condo, I’m burying myself inside of you. I’m going to fuck you until you’ve seen every single room, and if I still haven’t had enough, I’ll show you the whole fucking place all over again.”

  The elevator door opens. He must have a penthouse because there’s no hallway or line of doors; we’re in his foyer. He has me pressed against the wall, pulling my dress over my head in one easy motion.

  “There’s not going to be anything sweet and slow about this one,” he growls as he nips my collarbone.

  He lifts me, and I wrap my legs tightly around him, staring into his eyes under the faint light the windows let in. “How much do you like this shirt?” I ask, tugging his collar between my fingers.

  “It’s replaceable,” he murmurs, nibbling on my lower lip.

  My fingers slip down, pulling at his shirt until buttons pop off, spilling to the tile floor. I smooth my palms over his bare, muscular chest as he kisses me deeply. When they leave me, all I can think about is having them back … all over my body.

  “Wrap your arms around my neck.”

  I do as he asks. I’d do anything he asks right now.

  “That’s it. Now, hold on tight, beautiful. I’m going to show you a night you’ll never forget.”

  I hear a zipper then foil ripping. My heart thumps against his chest. The space between my legs throbs.

  “Ready?” he asks, kissing the space below my ear.

  I nod against his cheek. My body wouldn’t let me end this now even if my head begged. He had me back in the car. He had me the moment someone else used his last chance.

  He pushes into me slowly, waiting for my body to adjust to his. The second it does … the second he’s all the way in, I moan. He fills me completely, stretching my walls more than they’ve been stretched before.

  “Fuck,” he groans. “You weren’t supposed to be this perfect.”

  “Hmm?” I close my eyes tightly as he pumps in and out of me. The way he holds my body so close to his creates a delicious friction.

  “The way you fit around me … it’s fucking perfect.”

  If I could breathe, I’d tell him how good it feels every time he sinks into me.

  He penetrates deeper and deeper with every thrust.

  My body trembles against his, my lips pressed to the smooth skin at the base of his neck. The fiery tension builds as I fall over the edge for the second time tonight. “Oh my God!” I scream out over and over as his pace quickens. As I climb down from my high, he groans, pressing his teeth into my shoulder.

  Our sweat-covered bodies stay molded against the wall as we each try to steady our breathing. Satisfied … this is the first time in a long time I’ve felt satisfied. Not once did I touch myself; passion gets all the credit here. And I don’t even feel guilt. There are too many other emotions going through me to let in even an ounce of remorse.

  “You okay?” he asks, kissing along my jawline.

  “I’m more than okay,” I answer honestly. The truth flows from my lips easily when I’m with him. Maybe it’s because I don’t feel judged. He has obvious faults, and I’m allowed to have mine.

  He carefully eases out of me, then carries me to a bathroom off the hallway, and sets me on the counter. I watch as he rolls off the condom, still impressed with his size. He catches me staring when he looks up into the mirror. “See something you like?” he asks with a cocky-ass grin.

  I shrug, downplaying just how impressed I am. “It did its job.”

  He wraps his arm tightly around my waist, pulling me to the edge of the counter. “Second room. This is the second room I’m going to show you.”

  I watch as he opens a drawer with his free hand and pulls out another condom. A girl should be careful what she says around this one.

  He lets go of me just long enough to roll it on, never letting his eyes leave mine. “I pretty sure you called me God earlier when your pretty little pussy was clenching around my cock.”

  Biting my lower lip, I do my best to stifle a smile. His thumbs trail from the insides of my knees up my thighs. One finger enters me, curling against my clit. “I must be doing something right,” he remarks, running his wet finger up my stomach to the space between my breasts. My heart races as it trails up my throat and traces my lips. “Do you want to taste just how impressed you are?” he breathes.

  I feel him at my entrance, teasing. I wrap my lips around his finger, sucking gently—tasting my own desire. His eyes bulge as he stares at me. I let his finger fall from between my lips. “Maybe you should remind me of how impressed I was.”

  He pushes into me with one quick motion. I scream out, digging my nails into his back. He pulls out, wrapping his hands around my wrists and pressing them against my lower back essentially caging me in with his arms. “I’m going to do more than remind you. I’m going to make it so you never forget.”

  He does exactly as he said he would. He fucks me like I’ve never been fucked before … until I have my third orgasm … until I’m screaming River instead of God.

  At first, I don’t recognize this version of myself. I’m not a risk taker. I don’t roll well with the punches. I rarely let my emotions run loose. Then I realize this version exists every single day at work—in the courtroom. For whatever reason, I haven’t been letting her come home with me, not for a while anyway. She needed to be let out; I like who I am when I’m free.

  “Have I impressed you yet?” he whispers, his lips mere inches from mine.

  “Thoroughly.” I cradle his face, drawing his lips to mine. He kisses me gently—sweetly—taking me by complete surprise. This must be part of heaven. It’s sunshine. It’s rainbows. It’s everything I missed while the internal storm raged on.

  He leans back, only to brush his lips against mine twice more. “Have you eaten dinner yet?”

  I shake my head. It’s probably not a good idea to tell him I haven’t eaten a single thing unless coffee became it’s own food group; I’ve been proposing it to my doctor for years.

  He discards his second condom then uses a warm washcloth to wipe my legs and stomach. I watch the way he watches me in the mirror as he washes his hands. There’s this gentle side of him I get a glimpse of every now and again. It pulls a piece from the puzzle … leaves more unanswered questions.

  “Stay put. I’m going to grab you a shirt.”

  For the first time, I take in my surroundings—a contemporary bathroom covered in black and white marble. It’s rich, but it screams bachelor instead of bubble baths. I like it; it’s just not me.

  The door creaks back open, and he enters, wearing a pair of black boxer briefs. He drapes a white button-up around my shoulders, helping me slip into it. His eyes lock on mine as he fastens all but the top three buttons. “I own at least fifty of the same shirt so don’t be surprised if I rip this one off you later.”

  “Only fifty?”

  “I might be down to forty-eight after tonight.” He smiles as he helps me down. The sleeves are a little long, but the shirt fits perfectly, hitting me mid thigh.

  He grabs my hand and leads me to an open, industrial-like kitc
hen, which overlooks a great room complete with a modern, gray sectional and oversized TV. I take a seat one one of the barstools and watch him pull bread, fresh mozzarella, basil, and tomatoes from the fridge.

  When he turns around, he has the biggest grin on his face. “I make a mean panini, and because it’s your birthday, you’re going to be the first person I’ve ever let try one.”

  “Does it come with candles?” I tease.

  He grins again. This time his tongue darts out over his lower lip. I watch as he reaches back into the fridge and pulls out a small chocolate-covered cake. “This does,” he says, setting it in front of me. “I’d ask if you want to start with dessert but I think we already did.”

  “Do you always keep birthday cakes in your fridge?”

  “Only when someone special is coming over on her birthday,” he remarks. I almost lose it. He did this for me: flowers, cake, and three orgasms and counting. Definitely ranking high on the best birthday ever list.

  “How were you so sure you’d get me here? What if I’d just wanted to go to dinner?” I ask as I watch him slice the mozzarella.

  “One way or another, you would have wound up here. You called me, and you knew what I wanted.”

  When I texted River earlier, I was angry with Cole. I’d convinced myself that the only real reason I was doing this was because he’d used his last chance … because I needed someone. As it turns out, I didn’t really just need someone, I wanted River. Cole simply gave me the push I needed to go through with it.

  River is smart. He’s sexy. And when I take my first bite of panini, I learn he can cook too.

  “So, how many rooms do you have in this place?” I ask between bites.

  He looks up to the ceiling as if he’s thinking. “Besides where we’ve already been, I have four bedrooms, two more bathrooms, a gym, a theater room, and of course, the kitchen and family room.”

  I quickly add them up in my head. That’s a lot of sex.

  “You better eat up,” he says as I’m staring off into space.

  “I need to skip the kitchen. I, umm, I just can’t do the kitchen.” That’s where Cole always catches me in the mornings. The kitchen counter became our marital bed a little over a year ago.