Pushing your charge is a separate issue, and has been mentioned in the Path of Rhythm. However, I have seen pushing go both ways in Ordeal workings. Ethics must be at play for everyone involved. As someone longing to undergo an ordeal, know that your vision of what you want to have happen may have glitches. Your Top may not have those skill-sets. The time or space may not be right. You may think you can be hung by one ankle for 9 days upside down on a tree when you have never been suspended before. The person that you have visualized as being ideal for the work may not want to work with you.
If your charge is asking you to do something you do not have the skill-sets for, learn how to say no. It is irresponsible to say you know how to bury them alive if you can’t; people can literally die. Do not let them try to talk you into it. If they are emotionally damaged, it is your reputation on the line. If they are physically harmed or worse, you are legally endangered. Remember: not all Guides are suited to all Journeys. That does not mean they are not good Guides. It simply means some paths are not theirs to take. Saying so actually makes them better Guides.
Is the time and place right? There is the issue in some traditions of it being the right moon phase or star alignment, but you should be more concerned with other issues. Is the person ready for this? Is the public play space you have chosen appropriate? Is the space in the middle of the woods okay to use if the person screams or if you have to use a cell phone if things go wrong? Is their body or heart healthy enough to be challenged?
As for the issue of thinking you can do it, whatever it is…have you done your research? Have you spoken with your own Ka-See-Ka, someone who has gone before? Young warriors were not handed a knife and sent out into the woods having never used that knife before. Training, building up, or at least getting clues, tips and tricks from those who have been on the path before is not just a good idea, but is invaluable for truly being prepared for what you are going to undertake.
If the person you have chosen is not available to you, for whatever reason, do not take it personally. The most common issue I have seen here is people envisioning their life partner or lover being their Ordeal Top. This may not be the best choice for a number of reasons. Issues I have seen arise include:
Bottoms being afraid of their Top afterwards
Tops getting stuck in “villain” space
Emotional trust in relationship being broken
“Off limits” topics being brought up in the ordeal space
Ordeals turning into relationship tests
Tops helping their Bottoms “cheat” and one party or the other being upset about it afterward
Have I seen long term relationships serve as Ordeal Guides for one another successfully? Absolutely. But I also have seen all of the above. Especially in ordeals that truly do have a chance for failure, or of triggering demons from the past, think twice about whether doing this within a partnership is the right choice for your specific relationship. Erotic abduction coordinator and educator Scott Smith speaks about the idea of having a team of individuals who can purposefully play the role of villain for exactly this reason: if things go wrong, the core relationship has the opportunity to come in and patch up the holes afterwards. Terror can become a tumor in a relationship, and be challenging to exorcise afterwards.
When looking for a Guide, know that sometimes a person just won’t be interested. They may not be doing Ordeals any more. They may only be doing Ordeals for individuals who they have established connections with, or who they are drawn to in divination or dreams. Their bodies may not be up for it. They may be at that event with their girlfriend who they rarely get to see. Don’t take it personally if you ask them to help with your Ordeal and they say no.
This goes the other way too. Just because you are someone’s partner, or are known in your area as an Ordeal Mistress, or had a dream that they were meant to do that scene with you…don’t take it personally if they choose someone else. Most of the time, it really isn’t about you as an individual. They may be charged with working with someone of a specific faith background, or someone who knows a specific skill-set. They may need to find someone to do their Ordeal who has no background in ordeal work specifically because they won’t be emotionally invested in the outcome. Don’t take it personally.
Lastly, when considering the issue of ethics, think about the issue of when an ordeal should end. Does the scene end when someone is broken down and crying? When they have shouted out the name of God? When they have blissed out and gone tranquil, turned around and bowed? At a specific time after the rite began?
Every ordeal is different. Each person is different. This is because in working with ordeals we are often doing what spirituality and sexuality educator and artisan Wintersong Tashlin refers to as “Crafting Sacred Trauma,” and each of us is facing and examining different traumas in our lives from different angles. Thus it is useful for everyone involved to learn how to read the energy of the moment. This includes but is not limited to reading body language, knowing everyone’s limits and boundaries, the goals of the scenario, and telling if someone is in an altered state of consciousness. Things can also change down the road.
Sometimes, shit happens. This can actually add to the power of the ordeal. Ordeals are not just about the moment. They are about what happens afterwards, how we come out afterwards it is done. Being able to say “and in the middle of all, it started to rain” or “and then when I thought I couldn’t take any more because I had dislocated my wrist, I endured 5 more lashes and then was let down” can create tales of empowerment that might not have been as charged if everything had gone according to the original script.
Working with kink-friendly therapists, counselors and coaches can be invaluable in ordeals. If things go wrong, they can help process what went wrong and aid in healing the wounds created. If ideas from the past are brought up that are ready to be healed, they can serve as a sounding board for facilitating that healing. If emotions were revealed, on either side, having someone set up in advance can be very empowering for everyone. Even Guides need people to work through their experiences with, even if it is a friend. I encourage everyone, before engaging in ordeal work, to have a peer network, a friend, or a trained counselor available to process with, just in case it is needed or wanted afterwards.
Initiations and Earned Leather
One place that ordeals have appeared time and time again across history and culture has been in the realm of initiations. Initiations change the status of the individual who has been initiated, from outside to insider, from child to adult, from novice to expert, from student to teacher. Initiations are a form of rite of passage from where the individual has been to where they are now.
True, not every rite of passage may seem like an ordeal to an outsider. Within kink, an example of a rite of passage that may seem simple at first is becoming part of the public community, also known as “The Scene.” All that has to happen is to show up, right? But think about how challenging that can be! You have to first come to terms with your erotic desires, then figure out that there are other people out there who are doing the same sorts of thing. You then have to research where they gather, dress for the occasion, then on the given evening build up the confidence to go. What might seem like something simple can indeed be an ordeal for someone new before they can be initiated into the Scene.
There is a debate within those who discuss initiations on whether or not an initiation requires an initiator. Yes, each initiation requires an initiate, the person who is to change their role, status or identity. But do you need someone to help you?
Those who say yes note that initiations are about joining the tribe. How can you become part of the tribe if the members of the tribe are not there to mentor you on what is required to be a member of that tribe? How can the secret information be passed onto you, whether that secret is the history of the group, a specific skill-set, or some piece of esoteric information that transforms you? How can you be reborn if no one births you?
On the ot
her side of the argument is the idea of unverified personal gnosis (UPG) and personal research or wisdom. Personal gnosis is about the experience of having the divine reveal truths directly. These might come through dreams, visions, epiphanies or altered states. When we experience something through personal revelation and later come to find out that this information appears in writing, sacred teaching of a given tradition, or others having the same experience we did, moments of UPG become VPG, or verified personal gnosis. The divine may have revealed truth to a person, but others have had the same wisdom imparted to them.
Personal research or wisdom refers to the fact that nowadays, we have huge amounts of information at our fingertips. Books, the Internet, television, documentaries and other material can be found in abundance. It is argued by this side of the coin, that between moments of divine truth and what a person can learn by themselves, a person has the ability to birth themselves, transform themselves, initiate themselves.
I have seen initiations on both tribal and personal sides of the argument. The key pieces are whether the person feels like they have truly changed in some key way AND that the person is respected and noted by others as having changed. By having an initiator or group do an initiation, that second half can be more completely and fluidly realized by the initiate. It is not impossible for it to take place in solitary initiation, it just tends to take more transparency, authenticity, and hard work.
Within the world of kink, there are a large number of places that initiation appears. These include:
Induction into leather or back patch clubs
Joining fraternal organizations or sisterhoods
Becoming part of a leather family
Becoming a Slave or a Master
Becoming an educator
Earning leathers
Being voted onto a committee of a democracy-based group
Appointment (such as trial by fire) to a board
Learning formal protocol of a group or household
In the case of joining a back patch club, there can be a very formal system of first membership, then of earning “colors.” Members often first petition to join the group, being sponsored by individuals within the group as having the “right stuff” to be a member of their group. Then, initiates do service for the group, undergo hazing and torment, are challenged to live up to group standards, or prove that they belong. These sorts of rites of passage create strong bonds, just as in any fraternal group, sorority, or military group outside of kink. By everyone having endured the same sorts of torments, they have camaraderie in all being survivors.
After proving themselves and becoming members, many clubs require an extended period of time of constant commitment before a member is given the right to wear club colors. The reason for this has its roots in tribal initiation. Leaving your old group is easy, even if it is scary. Running miles and petitioning to join the next tribe over is terrifying, but you might be doing it for survival or for your own ego. Undergoing initiation can be challenging, and can even risk death (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual or social), but that moment of adrenaline can keep you sharp. But doing the day-to-day work? That is the hard part.
By having to wait to wear club colors, and then being surprised by being given one’s colors (or collar, or Master’s cap) by your peers or your family, inspires awe in not just the member who has earned their colors, but those who are considering joining. The pageantry is on purpose. By having the rite of manhood be big, men who want to be big long to live up to what they see. By having millions look on as the ring is slipped on and the hat is placed on his head, the Pope comes to understand in his bones the weight of what he has been gifted by taking on the mantle. Earning a thing too easily can make what has been earned less awesome, less powerful, and less profound.
It is also clear who the initiate now is. In creating a spectacle, it is clear to everyone watching and the person undergoing the alchemical transformation that this lesbian is now a leather dyke. This free man is now a Slave belonging to this house. This dominant individual is now to be looked upon as a respected Master. This outsider has become one of us. This lead has become gold.
Earning leathers is another form of initiation in the kink community that can involve ordeal. The idea comes from the fact that though anyone CAN wear leather, by being transformed in some way you have the RIGHT to wear leather. Leather becomes a metaphor for the spirit that an individual is more durable yet flexible, is beautiful and resilient. In learning to polish boots, you are learning how to polish your spirit. Additional concepts of the energetic meaning of leather are addressed in Appendix 3 in an essay entitled Soul/Sole: The Conscious Art of Leather.
Some earned leathers come from specific ordeals and tests. Within Master Archer of Atlanta’s leather family for example, the belt is presented when the family value of passing on education is displayed, usually when they teach their first public class. Sometimes, earning your leather is a more drawn out process. One person I met was required to polish the boots of 100 different individuals (and have each one sign in his book that it had been done well) before he was allowed to wear boots at a public gathering.
By the end of 100 sets of boots, he had come to have conversions with 100 different people about what being kinky meant, heard their stories of earning their leathers, and had become an experienced and appreciated community bootblack. Other times I have seen it be a reminder of a specific ordeal: being gifted a boy’s cap after enduring a grueling week of service, or a pair of wrist braces after taking their first single tail whipping.
Sometimes though, earning leathers can come as a surprise. Within the rope bondage community, a tradition of gifting hardware has come into being in the past decade or so. When an experienced rope top sees someone aspiring and promising, they will sometimes gift them out of the blue with some of their old, broken-in rope, as a way of saying they have faith in where they are going. And, pulling from the tradition of Masters within the leather community gifting a Master they respect with a cap (also known as a cover) in a “Capping Ceremony,” a “Ring Ceremony” has been developed where riggers who are now skilled enough to undertake suspension bondage are gifted with a suspension ring or other metal hardware. This is often done without the rigger or bondage artist knowing in advance. It is about a group of peers showing that they have faith in their fellow community member or friend. More often instead of a thing with pomp and circumstance (though those happen too), it is a quiet conversation around a few people they respect about why they are being given the ring.
In earning their leathers (or metal, or rubber, or diapers, or corset or…) the individual becomes marked for life. Though they can lose the item itself, the lesson cannot be undone. They have borne the same challenges as their ancestors and come out changed. The object might be a fetish or power object in its own right, with the person standing taller and prouder wearing their club colors, but even without the vest they are still energetically charged with having gained the power of full tribal membership.
Be aware that many of the stories of a formal leather initiatory culture (sometimes referred to as “Old Guard”) are a falsified history. Though small segments of the kink community have practiced more formal rituals and ceremonies, the vast population were doing so in a far more informal or unconscious manner. Instead of having a specific litany of requirements for earning your patch, it was an agreement amongst members that you deserved yours now. Instead of any ceremonies for a cover, someone bought their own because they thought it was sexy and over time built up a reputation with it (or did not). A slowly stratified story of some hats being a marker of submission or dominance are an invention only since the 1990s, and it has only been since the 2000s that a more formalized hanky code and earning of hankies or rings has come to be more of a cultural concept.
Sometimes, initiatory experiences come unbidden. These can be seemingly banal—being appointed to help run a local BDSM organization for example. They didn’t ask for the job, and it didn’t seem like
a big deal at the time, but after two years in the position the person has proven themselves to not just be a member of the community, but a leader or elder. By doing the work, and surviving with grace the obstacles in your path, there is an opportunity for change in how others see you and for how you see yourself.
Other times, change comes from what was intended to just be hot play. A kidnapping role-play scenario was only intended to get everyone turned on, but in the moment of being shoved into the car trunk, the Bottom can have a life-changing experience within their altered state of consciousness. An interrogation in a dimly lit warehouse can morph from a place to get your rocks off to being a crucible for the spirit by showing true strength. The role-playing of an initiatory experience can in fact lead to an actual initiatory experience.
Extended initiations also provide an opportunity within kink to pass on cultural norms, history, wisdom and information. New members to a leather family may learn house protocols, initiates to a back patch club may learn club history, and training for board membership gives an opportunity to learn local laws around alternative sexual practices. Oftentimes, an initiate will be paired with a more veteran member in a form of mentoring, teaching them the way things work and acting in many ways, just as a Ka-See-Ka would. Their mentor has been down this path before, and is there to ask questions, but not always tell the initiate what they should do.
In some spiritually charged kink groups, initiation may include the passing on of gnosis, power, or secret wisdom. An example might be a group ancestor being called upon beyond the veil of death to judge the initiate, and if found worthy, share the history of the group directly. In a few spiritual kink groups, specific spirits or deities will be called upon to oversee the trials of the new member, and may lay hands on them or breathe energy into them if they succeed. Other groups require as their ordeal that they prove (or have their energy modified) so that they are able to act as a vessel for channeling spirits (a.k.a. horsing, to be addressed more in Path of the Horse). Others still ask for the divine to literally charge new members with sacred energy to be able to do the work of the group. Every single group has different rituals, different ordeals, and different initiations. Whether becoming part of a secret society or graduating with a degree, the initiate is reborn. Scholar and philosopher of religious experience Mircea Eliade described initiation as “a basic change in existential condition.” The individual is no longer the same person they were before. They have received the mysteries, even if it is simply another layer of the mystery of their own being. Either by ending one life and taking on a new one, or by fully integrating their past into part of a new identity, they become something different.
The Eightfold Paths of BDSM and Beyond Page 12
