Surrogate Lover

by Clara Reese

  She kisses me before restraining my wrists. I give the restraints a small tug. I’m secure in them. The anticipation between my legs builds. I need her now.

  She kneels in between my legs and gives me another grin. I know she’s not done toying with me. She wants me to know she’s in control of me. Everything down to when I get off will be under her command. She runs her nails up and down my body. It sends shivers down my spine, and it makes me ache for her more.

  “Is this what you were talking about?” She whispers.

  I can barely respond to this either. The sensation is overwhelming. I need more.

  She brings her hands up to my breasts and begins to squeeze and manipulate them. She rolls my nipples between her fingers. She’s taking full advantage of the fact that I’m helpless to keep her moving forward. And she’s also taking advantage of the fact that she doesn’t have to use one or both of her hands to hold me down.

  I can tell that she’s incredibly aroused as well. She gets off from the power. She has complete control over me. I’m putty in her hands. My submission drives her as wild as her domination drives me wild.

  “More. Please,” I beg her.

  I can barely even get that out. I would feel more humiliated by begging her to get me off, but I’m too turned on to care. Thankfully, this time, she listens to me.

  She moves herself down in between my thighs. She leaves a trail of kisses on my thighs before reaching my pussy. I feel her tongue lick over my clit and start to explore me. I almost finish at the first touch. I can’t believe how hot this is. I need her so badly, and now I’m getting her.

  Her hands move from gripping my hips to fingering me. Again, her fingers hit their mark immediately and perfectly. I feel myself getting closer and closer to an orgasm. The ache between my legs keeps growing. The knot of pleasure feels like it’s growing to a size that’s too big to contain in my body. Then, all at once, I feel an explosion of pleasure.

  The orgasm rips through me and leaves me uncontrollably shaking and moaning. As I come down from the pleasure, Charlotte slides her body back up mine until we’re face-to-face once again.

  I feel almost dizzy from what we just did. I look up into her eyes and she kisses me. I kiss her back, deeply, wanting to taste myself on her tongue.

  Here, with our bodies pressed together, I feel whole. As good as the sex is, it’s more than that. Charlotte has been through hell, and now, I’ve been to her darkest places with her. We’ve both had releases tonight, and I can’t believe how incredibly close I feel to her in this moment.

  24

  Charlotte

  As I linger over my coffee the next morning, all I can see behind my eyes is Katrina.

  Her soft skin, her beautiful red hair, her taste. I’m so excited, I almost can’t sit still. I just want to replay these images over and over.

  My body throbs and I let myself get taken away. I’d rather remember everything with my senses than distract myself with a newspaper.

  It’s been such a long time since I felt this way. I’m alive. Finally I’m alive again. I thought it would never happen. That I was going to walk through life an empty shell of a person. I didn’t even mind, not really. I saw it as just cause and effect.

  I deserved to live my life in agony. I killed Addy. Walking around for the rest of my years with no heart seemed an appropriate punishment.

  I close my eyes and think of Katrina. She excites me, she fascinates me. The feelings I have for her are intense and even unpredictable. My love for Addy was a very quiet, tender thing. My feelings for Katrina crackle like a wild bonfire.

  I sip my coffee a bit more, sighing, but not heavily. I’m happy. Really happy for the first time in a long time. I touch the ring on the gold chain and close my eyes, waiting to feel bad. Waiting to feel that sweep of pain and horror. Betrayal of my one true love.

  The nasty feelings don’t come. There is nothing inside me except a deep acceptance and relief. Relief that I can let myself love again.

  I’ve got a long way to go. I know that. A couple of magic nights don’t mean I’m all healed and ready to run the love marathon again. I don’t know if I’m prepared for a relationship. It might not be fair on Katrina to launch into something that I can’t commit to.

  But right now, in these quiet morning moments over coffee, I can feel good. This moment is real, even if nothing before or after is. At this time, I can be full of joy at what we shared. No matter what happens next, that beauty will last forever.

  Even if we don’t end up partnered, I hope that this encounter has opened me up enough to consider pleasure in the future. I know Addy would want me happy, enjoying my life, but for so long I’ve simply missed her so much I didn’t have time to think about anything else.

  Suddenly there’s a loud rap at the door. I hurry over and unlock it.

  “Miss Monroe!” Janet comes charging in, looking like she’s just been through a boxing match. “I’ve just gotten a phone call. I’m sorry. I have to leave.”

  “What’s happening?” She’s really upset, and I’m genuinely concerned.

  “It’s my brother. He’s been estranged from the family; I haven’t seen him in years. The call I got was from his neighbor. We didn’t even know where he lived.”

  I can see Janet’s face is drawn and her eyes are wide. A muscle jumps in her cheek. She’s really upset.

  Behind us, Katrina comes out of the hall, wrapped in her big fluffy robe. She rubs her eyes, looking so sweet and cuddly I just want to gather her up and take her back to bed.

  “What’s happening?” Katrina asks through a yawn.

  “I’ve got to go.” Janet says tightly. I’m not sure I heard her right and stare at her silently for a few seconds.

  “I’m sorry, Miss Monroe. Harold, he’s dead.”

  “Oh, I’m so sorry.”

  She shakes her head briefly. “It’s okay. Like I said, we hadn’t seen him in years. But here’s the thing. He had kids. Three of them.”

  “Oh, that’s terrible.” It’s like being punched in the gut. “Who’s caring for them?”

  “They are wards of the state right now.” Janet is flying past anger and panic and sliding right into grief. “They’ve been looking for his family all morning. He changed his name years ago. Now that they’ve tracked us down, I’ve got to get there and help. I can’t believe he had kids—” She stops suddenly to wipe her eyes.

  “I can get you another bodyguard, right now if you like.” Janet’s reeling in her frantic reaction and starting to evaluate like the efficient soldier she is. “Can I do that for you? It’s one phone call. I have to leave now, but they’ll be here within the hour.”

  I turn and look at Katrina who is unbelievably cute in her big soft robe.

  She shrugs. “I’m okay with you, Charlotte. You can get someone else if you want but, really, I feel perfectly safe.”

  My chest warms instantly and the soft smile on my face is almost painful, there is so much love in it.

  I make her feel safe. It’s like some kind of drug how much it affects me. There is nothing in the universe right now except Katrina’s trust.

  “Okay. Well I’ll be off then.” Janet’s voice cracks through my reverie. “Let us know if you need anything with the agency. I’ll be in touch. Thank you, Miss Monroe.”

  She leaves quickly, almost slamming the door in her haste. I head back to the counter to finish my coffee and watch Katrina making tea. My fingers slip to the ring around my neck and fidget with it idly.

  The feelings I’ve had for Katrina this morning have made me feel amazing. They have washed over me like a tidal wave that obliterates all my fear and doubt. I know I’m falling for her.

  She’s not like anyone I’ve ever met. Worlds away from Addy. She’s just so genuine and giving but with this streak of fire that makes her completely fascinating.

  She turns around with her teacup and smiles at me. I love her gray eyes and her flame hair. I love those quiet, thoughtful smiles. I love how she
bends to my touch and begs for more the moment she is restrained.

  I have to be careful though. She was hired to come here. I don’t know everything about her. She might consider it good strategy to sleep with me to get more out of me. She might disappear the second the baby is born and rip me off. I really don’t know.

  I don’t actually believe she could do that. I just have to consider the possibility.

  Maybe I’m just too happy and I don’t like the feeling. It could be that I’m too used to being miserable and now that something great has come along, I can’t let myself enjoy it.

  How can I know for sure if Katrina has feelings for me? I don’t think anyone with hidden motives would give themselves the way she did last night. Especially with the baggage of a violent ex. But I really don’t know. She needs money, I have it. The whole scenario could be as simple as that.

  I squeeze the ring tightly. I owe it to Addison and our baby to figure out of this thing is real. I can’t just throw my heart into the ring without knowing for sure.

  Katrina looks up at me from over her teacup, smiling warmly. Her beauty stabs me in the chest again. I have to doubt, I can’t help myself.

  Even if it is just my overthinking brain trying to ruin my happiness. I can’t take the chance. I have to find out if she really loves me or if I’m just her sugar mama, her cash cow.

  I look at her and I can’t imagine my life without her, even though we’ve not known each other long. This is the thought that scares me the most. She might be all those criminal things and more. Deep down I don’t give a fuck.

  I want her. That’s the only thing that matters. I want her even if she hurts me.

  And that scares me more than anything.

  25

  Katrina

  A couple of days later I’m in my room, getting ready for the GED tests. I take my time getting ready, letting myself enjoy the beautiful room and the nice clothes. I absolutely love my big bathroom and the pile of fancy toiletries Charlotte bought for me.

  Every day here is just an unbelievable pleasure. I was hoping to get some respite from my financial troubles and shitty living conditions, but having Charlotte be so nice to me is literally changing my world.

  Don’t get me wrong. I’m still damn scared that all of this is just going to disappear. I’m getting closer to Charlotte every day and I’m happy to be. It feels good to finally get close to someone.

  But I still don’t trust her.

  I feel awful. She’s done so much for me and she has shown me love and care. What I feel building between us is beyond a business contract, it’s beyond the pregnancy. It’s deeper.

  I feel an intense excitement when I’m around her. It’s as if the world is brand new and exciting. I can’t wait to find out what’s going to happen next in our lives and share it with her. Charlotte has given so much, not just her money and her home, but of herself.

  I know I should be doing the same. She makes me feel safe, and the feeling she gave me when we made love was so comforting and validating. I know she wasn’t using me. I could feel her love in every touch. I felt that she could never hurt me.

  I want to trust her.

  But this is my folly. This is what always gets me hurt. My good heart, just wanting to believe in everyone’s better nature. I always get hurt for it.

  Charlotte might be worth the risk. I really don’t know. The only thing I do know is that I’m happy with her. Maybe happier than I’ve ever been.

  I don’t want this to just be a business contract. I want to believe she cares for me.

  But my belief, my hope and my faith won’t guarantee that I don’t get hurt. Sometimes you can see the best version of someone standing right in front of you and never know it’s just a cover for their selfish, needy bad side.

  I start putting a bag together, wondering if we might get lunch or take a walk. It’s been so long since I could do these simple things. I feel a ridiculous amount of excitement. A walk in the park with ice cream, a stop at a café. I’m not sure that Charlotte knows how much these little things mean to me.

  My phone beeps and I see it’s Ben, Charlotte’s PA. I’m confused. Why would he be messaging me?

  The text is a long one, a list of items and prices. At first, I have no idea what I’m looking at and then Ben sends the apology.

  ‘Not covered by contract. Items returned to store.’

  I stare at the message for a few seconds, not believing what I’m seeing. Charlotte told me to buy anything I want! I don’t understand this. Why would she say I can buy whatever I need then take it back?

  I’m so shocked that I have to sit down and blink back my tears. I was so happy a few seconds ago and now I’m fully triggered, on the edge of cracking up.

  She doesn’t trust me. She really doesn’t think I care about her. I’m so hurt, not just by her lack of trust but by the fact that this is how she chooses to deal with it.

  After all we’ve shared, you would think she could tell me over dinner! How about a nice casual check-in about what I’ve been buying, an honest discussion? Instead of just shafting me from a distance and having her PA deliver the message.

  The tears threaten but I’m way too angry now. I start running around the room, gathering up clothes and other presents Charlotte bought for me. It really is a difficult moment, shoving all my fancy shampoo and soap into a bag, but I remind myself I’ve lived with less for a very long time. It won’t kill me.

  Charlotte not trusting me, that might kill me. Sending nasty surprises through her staff members instead of talking to me. That wounds me. Maybe she doesn’t even trust me enough to talk about it and that really is a scary thought.

  She’s changing the boundaries and not even giving me a chance to have a say. That’s just way too close to what Grady did to me. My feelings aren’t important. What I think isn’t relevant. I can’t be trusted to be told the truth because I’m too reactive.

  Well, fuck you. You want to see a reaction? You’re about to get one.

  As I start to flounce down the hall, dropping fluffy socks and silky pieces of underwear, I have a funny thought. With Charlotte, I feel comfortable enough to stand up for myself. If Grady did this to me, I’d probably hide for a week. I’d be very well behaved, that’s for damn sure. I would certainly never raise my voice.

  My grin is fierce. Well thank you Charlotte for showing me a bit of self-confidence. I am comfortable enough now that I’m willing to stand up and fight for myself.

  I drop everything in a pile at her door and hammer on it a couple of times. I dart up and down the hallway, collecting bits of clothing I dropped on the way. Charlotte opens the door with a scowl on her face that fritters out into astonishment as she sees the pile of stuff in front of the door.

  I come charging up with a pile of scarves and hurl them at her face. They tumble to the ground in soft folds, fluttering down to land on the pile of clothes, shoes and toiletries.

  I force my eyes away from the makeup and moisturizers. It’s really hard to say goodbye to good cosmetics…and if I admit it to myself, it’s easier to think that than to think how hurt I am.

  “If you think I’m only here for your money, take back all your shit!” I’m trying to sound aggressive and strong, but my voice is trembling. “If you don’t trust me, why the fuck did you give me your credit card?”

  “Katrina—”

  “No! How could you do this? You didn’t even talk to me! I just get a message saying the purchases got sent back! Why would you tell me to buy anything then screw with me like this!”

  I kick the pile and shimmery socks go flying through the air.

  “I don’t want your gifts, I don’t want your money and I don’t want you!” My lip is trembling and in my mind I’m screaming, liar, liar, liar, because I do want her. Right here and now, on top of the pile of rejected luxuries. Just grab me and take me Charlotte, please!

  “I am sorry, Katrina.” Her expression is under tight control and her eyes are cold. She’s got that
expressionless look to her. She’s completely withdrawn.

  Why did I think just a little bit of warmth showed me the whole woman? It’s the same story as always. I just wanted to see it. It was never really there. She’s just cold.

  “Sorry? You’re sorry?”

  “I just wanted to set some boundaries. I wasn’t expecting this reaction.”

  I almost completely lose my shit right there. Another emotional manipulation trick. Imply that I’m a child because I’ve had a reaction to something.

  “I have a right to my feelings!” I’m crying and screaming now. Great. What a way to prove I can keep my shit together.

  Charlotte just stares at me with her stony face. This could be another tactic: she gets to look calm while I look like a maniac. But I really don’t think Charlotte is doing this to manipulate me. I think she’s just as confused as I am.

  Maybe that’s just what I want to see.

  “Of course, you’re entitled to have feelings.” Charlotte gathered herself quickly, but I just can’t. I can feel my heart pounding and it’s making me so very tired and sore. I just can’t take anymore.

  “I don’t want to stress out the baby,” I struggle the words out through my tears and turn and run. When I get to my room, I slam the door shut, locking it and leaning on it.

  I came so far. I found a safe place again after thinking I could never find one ever again.

  It’s all a lie. I’m still trapped, just like I always have been and always will be.

  26

  Charlotte

  I stagger back from the doorway as Katrina runs away. I don’t run after her. I can’t.

  I don’t know how to deal with this. I just wanted to set some boundaries and see what happened. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t this.

  Why did she have to freak out like that? It’s really made me suspicious. What other reason would there be, to react like that? She must just want my money.