Conflicted: Book Two of the State Series

by M. J. Kaestli

  “How could you possibly not have known?” she asked softly, without looking at him.

  Victor looked defeated—his shoulders slumped further down. “I have told you before—I can’t oversee the fine details of all the inner workings of the State, Freya. I thought he was just handling the Security of the launch sight—as many Security officers were called in for that.” He paused. “You know, it’s ironic. When I first took my position, I was so honored. I was informed of this plan, and I thought it would be so marvelous to be the person in charge when everything was about to change for humanity. I felt elated after giving the broadcast, so proud. Then I saw Colin, and, well, now… I feel like an impotent fool. I couldn’t even protect my own family. I hope that someday you will be able to forgive me, Freya. I really do.”

  Freya could not look at him. She simply kept her eyes focused on her wringing hands in her lap.

  Victor accepted her silence, her refusal to meet his gaze. He simply got up and left the room.

  Chastity sat in the chair once Victor had left.

  “Can I get you anything? Can I make you some tea?” Chastity reached for Freya’s hand.

  She jerked her hand away from Chastity sharply. “I want to be alone right now,” Freya said without looking up.

  “I’m sure you do. You have a lot to think about. I am really sorry, but I am not allowed to leave you right now, unless you would rather have a nurse here.”

  Freya looked up at Chastity but did not speak; she just stared at her, waiting for a suitable explanation.

  “The doctors said someone has to stay with you until we see some improvement.” Chastity hesitated. “They are concerned you might try to harm yourself.”

  Freya scoffed in response. “With population concerns and a lack of resources, don’t see what the fuss is about.”

  “You are not just anyone, Freya. You are a part of this family, and a member of the Council. The State wants all citizens to be healthy, but you take priority. You are special.”

  “The Council,” Freya said with a headshake. “Like that even means anything. The only information I have been given was when I was first told about it. It is probably just some crap token the State tells all compliant citizens to make them feel like their life means something.”

  “I understand that you are upset, but you need to know that it does mean something. We had planned to start your training once…once you returned to your own apartment.” Chastity winced.

  “You mean when Colin came back.”

  Chastity sighed heavily. “Yes. I was about to start your training, and then I received notice he had been pulled away on a mission. Victor and I discussed it, and decided it best to wait, as we thought Colin would be returning shortly.”

  “Oh,” Freya said, “well it looks like we may as well have gotten started right away.”

  Chastity disregarded her bitter jab, and pressed on. “Victor is allowing you as much time as you need to rest, but I would prefer to start as soon as possible. It might be good for you, Freya. It could help to keep your mind off other things.”

  “I just want to go home. I just want to go sleep in the bed that Colin and I shared—to smell his clothing, to…” Freya could not finish. The thought of seeing Colin’s clothing had brought overwhelming emotions, and she began to cry again. Chastity slid from the chair onto the bed and cradled Freya.

  “I’m sorry, Freya, but that apartment has already been cleared out. You are going to live here for the time being. We are going to share this apartment until you are ready to be on your own.” Chastity rocked her.

  Freya sat and let Chastity hold her for another moment, and then her mind started to process what she had said.

  “Share this apartment, how?” Freya pulled out of the embrace.

  “You see that door over there? It is the bedroom I have been sleeping in. I will be staying in there while you sleep out here.” She held onto Freya’s hand. “I know you would rather live on your own, and you will. We just have to get you back to normal first.”

  The word normal felt like a slap across the face to Freya. How could things possibly go back to normal? What was normal anyhow? she seethed. Once, normal had been her living on her own and working in a greenhouse. Later, it had become her loving and intimate relationship with her best friend.

  “Do you still want me to give you some time alone?” Chastity asked. Freya nodded, and Chastity got up from the chair. “Okay then, I will be right over there if you need anything. There is a tablet for you to use if you would like. It’s here on the end table.” Chastity walked into the bedroom.

  She left the door open. Freya figured it was to keep an ear out for her—to make sure she didn’t try anything self-destructive. She rolled her eyes at the mere concept. Perhaps if they were concerned she might try to harm herself, they shouldn’t have taken Colin from her to begin with.

  She lay back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. Now that she was fully awake and alone, she knew it was time to face what had happened. She no longer had the medication to hide behind. She took a few deep breaths, her vision staggering in and out of focus as her mind tried to fathom where to begin.

  Of course, Colin had chosen to leave her; she had been a terrible partner from day one. She fought their coupling, which wasn’t easy for him. She was emotional, nearly hysterical at times, all because she didn’t get her way. She constantly accused him of being unfaithful, and then finally turned her back on him at a time when he needed her most. He gave up his friends, his family, his beliefs—all for her, and what did she ever do for him in return? If I were him, she reasoned, I may have chosen a seat on that ship too.

  Her chest throbbed; pain coursed through her lungs and gut. She thought she had time. She thought she could fix everything, but no, she let him believe she no longer loved him. He was given a chance to leave, and he took it. It was no more than she deserved. Why can’t I control my temper? Why did I have to react so harshly to him being part of the rebellion? Freya would cry, but she had no tears left in her to be shed. Colin was gone, and she deserved this.

  “Freya, it is time for you to take some medication.” Chastity stood beside her.

  Freya jumped. She had been so lost in her thoughts she didn’t notice Chastity’s approach. She held out her hand containing two small pills. Freya took them from her.

  “What are these?” Freya asked. “I have never seen these before.”

  “No, you wouldn’t have. The State gave them to me once, too. I took them when my partner died.” Chastity handed Freya a glass of water.

  “There’s a pill for that?” Freya muttered to herself.

  “Yes. They are given when people experience loss, and sometimes to new mothers. They help to smooth out your emotions.”

  Part of Freya wanted to ask why mothers needed them, but didn’t want Chastity to sit with her again. So she simply took the pills, drained the glass of water and lay back down. Chastity took the glass from her and headed back to the bedroom.

  She lay in bed, pondering what she could have done differently to make Colin stay. How she wished she could speak to him again. She tossed and turned most of the night, loathing herself for what had happened between them. She finally got up and showered while Chastity was still sleeping. When she was finished in the bathroom, Chastity was outside the door, waiting for her.

  “What are you doing up so early?” she asked with a concerned look.

  “Couldn’t sleep,” Freya replied. Now that she was no longer in a drug induced slumber, a restlessness had consumed her. “Where are my uniforms? I want to work in the garden today.” Chastity looked surprised, and then just held her gaze for a moment. “Look, I’m going to go crazy if I just stay locked in here all the time. I need to do something.”

  “Yes, I suppose some sunlight would do you good. I thought you might need more privacy, but I think the sooner you get back to work the better.”

  As she said the word privacy, Freya flinched. She had not thought that far ahea
d. If she went to work in the grounds, she would be expected to have the afternoon meal with everyone. She thought carefully for a moment before responding.

  “I do want to go to the gardens, but I don’t want to eat with everyone. I’m not ready to see them yet. Can I take my meals separately?”

  “I am sure that can be arranged,” Chastity answered. “I appreciate how you feel, but understand, everyone here has been concerned about you. Please don’t keep yourself from them for too long. You have been greatly missed.”

  Freya nodded in response. She was sure everyone was concerned about her, which was exactly what terrified her about the mere thought of having to see them. If everyone gathered around her, making a big fuss about her emotional well-being, it would simply just make her want to crawl back into bed. The concept alone exhausted her. She knew she could not hide from them forever, but a little longer would help—she hoped.

  “I only had free time and sleeping wear brought here. I didn’t know you would want to go back to your civil duty so quickly. I will go and find you some uniforms,” she said and left promptly.

  Freya could not sit down. She paced as she waited for Chastity to return. Once she was back with uniforms, Freya took them and dressed quickly. Chastity was in the kitchen area, holding a breakfast bar.

  “I can’t let you leave unless I know you have eaten.” Chastity held the bar to her.

  While Freya ate it, Chastity filled a glass of water and pulled a small envelope out of her pocket. She took out two pills and held them out to Freya. Without saying a word, she took them and chased them with the full glass. Chastity escorted Freya down the hall to Victor’s office and knocked softly. He called out in response; Chastity poked her head inside.

  “Sorry to trouble you. Freya would like to go work in the gardens today. I will make arrangements for her to dine alone, and make sure no one will disrupt her,” she explained.

  Freya had stood back in the hall, but could still hear Victor say it was wonderful she was working. Thankfully he did not request to speak to her, and Chastity shut the door and escorted her outside. Freya was irritated that Chastity obviously was not going to leave her alone. She simply took a seat on the edge of the balcony and worked on her tablet.

  It took a few moments for her eyes to adjust to the sunshine blasting down on her. It was so bright; the glaring sunbeams were hard on her eyes after being locked up in a dim, windowless room for so long.

  Part of her then wondered exactly how long it had been since the broadcast. It was difficult for her to say because she never actually knew when it was day or night while staying in that room. She also had no idea how much time had passed each time she slept. She almost asked Chastity, but decided she didn’t really want to know. It was best for her to get to work; a distraction from her thoughts was exactly why she had come out here.

  Freya walked around the grounds, looking at the greenery and her tablet, trying to assess what had been attended to in her absence. Victor had said he would bring in temporary workers, but according to the data, it didn’t appear that much had been done in her absence.

  Freya attached the tablet to the holder at her waist and got to work. Her body was stiff and weak from inactivity. She wanted to dive right in and work vigorously, but her body simply could not keep up with her ambitions. She worked at a slower pace than her usual, but the attention to her typical duties—her familiar routine—gave her the interruption her mind needed.

  A few hours passed, and Chastity put down the tablet and left Freya alone. Freya was a little surprised by this but didn’t care to comment, fearing Chastity would come rushing back. Only moments later, she returned with two plates of food and set them down on the large dining table on the deck.

  “Everyone else is eating in the kitchen area.” Chastity called out to her. “Come sit down and eat before it gets cold.”

  Freya walked over to the table and began to eat. Normally she would wash her hands before a meal, but she didn’t want to go inside and risk seeing everyone. The portions were smaller than usual, but still a little more than her appetite could handle. To her surprise, Chastity made no protests at her unfinished plate. With a full stomach, she walked back to the grounds and continued to work. She worked continuously until the alarm on the tablet chimed. It was the time of day she would normally go home, but the thought of going to that dark apartment with Chastity watching over her held no appeal. She simply shut off the alarm and kept working until Chastity came and forced her to leave.

  “It is far past the evening mealtime, Freya. I think you should stop for the day.”

  Freya knew there was no good in arguing, and so she went back into the house. This became the new routine for about a week. Freya worked rigorously on the grounds until Chastity urged her to stop. Everyone in the house kept their distance from her, and she from them. The garden was the space where she could find some small semblance of peace. It was all she had left in her life that made any sense.

  One night, Chastity ushered her inside a little earlier than normal. They headed wordlessly back to the apartment. Upon their arrival, Chastity grabbed the tablet for Freya and sat on the sofa beside her.

  “I know this may seem a bit boring to you. I am well aware that history was your worst subject while being educated. However, if you want to be a member of the Council, you must first start with a series of readings that you will be tested on. It is not until you complete this segment that you will be given tasks. This is the way it has always been done, to bring a new person onto the Council.”

  “So when am I supposed to do all of this?” Freya asked.

  “Whenever you can. The faster you complete your education, the sooner you will be put to work. I recommend that you consider only working in the grounds the normal amount of time required,” Chastity explained, and then started to scroll through the tablet.

  She showed Freya what tabs to look under, and how to run the system and to take the examinations. It looked quite straightforward to Freya, and a small part of her even looked forward to it—or at least looked forward to an activity to busy herself with. It was true that she had found history boring previously, but she didn’t have a civil duty waiting for her where she would put the information to use. This was quite different: this had a purpose.

  She desperately longed for an escape, anything. She had been completely emotionally and mentally numb since she was no longer given those marvelous little juice boxes. It felt as though her heart had stopped beating, and she was no longer capable of feeling. Either she was permanently damaged, or it was just the effect of the drugs.

  Freya didn’t know which she hoped for. If it were the drugs, they were powerful, but also something that could eventually be discontinued or discarded. If she was permanently broken, she feared she might never laugh or feel joy again. She knew she would never be capable of falling in love again—there was no question in that regard—but at the moment, she questioned whether she was even capable of friendship. There was a void where she used to feel, and she could not comprehend anything ever changing.

  Despite the fact the training was exactly what she thought it would be—boring—she was grateful to have something to do. Playing puzzles was something she used to love so much, but every time she even thought of it, a stabbing pain manifested in her chest. Playing puzzles only reminded her of Colin. They used to play them when first coupled. The way he used to tease he would beat her, and then never did. Her eyes glazed over. The tears she held back fogged her vision. This is nothing more than I deserve; I was a bad partner. This is my punishment that I will live with for the rest of my life, she realized silently.

  Freya put the tablet away and lay back on the bed. She focused on her breathing to keep herself from crying. There was one thing they don’t tell you about coupling: it’s the most painful thing you can ever experience. Why had they coupled me? If only the State had kept her independent, none of this would have happened. They only coupled her so she could work at the State house. M
aybe if she had just scored a little lower on her tests, or talked back a little to the instructors like her classmates often did, she could have been sent off to live alone and would never have felt this level of suffering. Part of her was angry with herself for not pulling herself together, that she was so weak. The other part of her recognized that the State had her heavily medicated. If it was normal for people to want to harm themselves in a situation like this, perhaps she wasn’t doing that bad after all.

  It was with that realization she decided she needed to change her ways. She was so much stronger than this, or at least she was capable of being stronger, of doing more with her life. Colin may have become her whole world, but she still had so many years ahead of her, years that she would spend without him. Although it turned out she was capable of love, she didn’t truly need it. I should have been selected to live independently. I was meant to live alone. I can find that independence, the core of who I am, or at least used to be, and I can be her again. It would take time; it would be difficult, but she would move past this—she had to.