Conflicted: Book Two of the State Series

by M. J. Kaestli

  Freya didn’t speak a word of protest, she simply sat and slowly shook her head back and forth. No matter how incorrect he was, she needed to hear him out, hear what exactly it was that he thought he knew.

  “His appeal, which is not common but does happen, would have been simply denied. The part of this that is so unfair to you, because we were so close to the launch, he was given a choice: stay here with you, or be on the ship. He was told of the project within the first month of your coupling. He knew all along he would be leaving. Everything he told you was a lie, just a selfish ploy to get what he wanted until his escape.”

  “So he wanted out the whole time?” she asked in a raspy shaken voice. “Why would he bother? Why would he pretend that he loved me? Why was he kept with me until then?” Her voice became stronger, and she continued on, gaining speed in her speech, until it had taken on a nearly manic tempo. “This information you were given is wrong. I can’t even comprehend how or why they would have told you this. He acted terrified when he got notice to report in. He thought he was in trouble for some weird reason. He got really upset and…and…” She lost control of herself, and let out a sob she could no longer suppress.

  “That is the part that just simply makes me sick. The fact he was left there with you. He should have been removed from your life after the first month. He should have been sent away to live and work near the ship. If I had known about this, I would have immediately had you moved into this house. I can’t believe that the psychologist would just let him stay until it was time to leave.” He hesitated. “This is the first time since I took my seat that I have felt weak. I couldn’t even protect my own family.” A single tear ran down his cheek.

  Freya wanted to protest again, yet she had lost her voice. This was going to be so much harder than she thought. Victor’s mind had been made, and she couldn’t say or do anything to convince him this information was wrong.

  “I don’t think you want to hear the rest. I think you have heard quite enough for one night. But I did promise to tell you everything you wanted to know. Please stop me if you don’t want me to continue.”

  “Oh God…there’s more?” she said under her breath.

  “I’m sorry, but there is. There was a female living in the same district, someone Colin had gotten in trouble with before getting coupled. We have strong reason to believe, well, now, proof actually—they were having an affair.”

  The news was a violent stab to her gut, there was a ringing noise in her ears. The fact was, there was only one thing—that one subject—Ida, it was the weak link in the chain. Everything else Victor had said sounded preposterous—crazy even, but that—that was a situation where Freya had always had reservations. It was the only negative light Victor could shine on Colin, the only thing she might believe. There was nothing Colin had ever said to her which gave her comfort, which truly led her to believe he was innocent. She had chosen to believe him, because she loved him, because she truly wanted him to love her.

  In that instant, she could no longer hold back the disillusions she had once convinced herself of. It was as though the dome had been shattered, and once the glass was removed, she could truly feel the suns rays for the first time. He had never really loved me; he had been having an affair, while asking to be re-coupled, all the time telling me that he chose me. She labored to control her breathing again, as her mind accepted the truth unfolding before her.

  “Is that it?” She choked back her sobs.

  “I wish it was. We have reason to believe that Colin was once a part of the rebellion.”

  “How could he be chosen for the mission then?” Freya flinched.

  She knew for certain that he had been part of the rebellion, but she felt it best that she act startled. It wasn’t difficult to act this way, as her mind flooded with acceptance. If everything Victor said was true, then everything Colin had told her must have been a lie. If he didn’t leave the rebellion for me, then had he left it at all? If Colin had not parted with his past, then he could be a real threat to colonization. Even worse than that, if he had made it on the ship—what precautions had been taken when selecting the crew? If he had made it, then other rebels also held a good chance of doing the same.

  “We didn’t suspect him until after he had already been coupled with you. I assure you, he wouldn’t have been coupled with a member of the State house otherwise. It was not until after he was gone that we had conclusive evidence of his treason.” Victor reached into the desk drawer and pulled out a handkerchief for Freya.

  She accepted it gratefully and tried to pull herself together. Her intentions were to get answers. She had them now, and there was nothing left. Everything Victor said was correct—he had not been the one misinformed. It was her. Colin had pulled the wool so deftly over her eyes, she had been ready to give up everything for him.

  “I feel like such a fool.” She looked down, the humiliation of it all settling in. Not only had she put her faith in the wrong person, but she had barrelled in there and made an even bigger fool of herself. Victor may be the only man in her life who truly cared for her, and she had spoken to him so poorly.

  “You shouldn’t feel that way. Colin was a skilled manipulator, a womanizer. I think you held him off much longer than most females would have. You are the victim here. Don’t be hard on yourself. He didn’t deserve you, and it breaks my heart that the government I lead could have made such a mistake.” Another tear ran down his cheek.

  Chapter 4

  Freya could not pull herself out of bed the next morning. It was not that she needed more sleep; she just felt incapable of doing anything at all. Victor must have informed Chastity about their conversation as she did not press her. She simply made certain Freya ate something at each mealtime. She did not read; she did not work on her training; she simply laid there. Her mind replayed the information Victor had given her over and over, each time trying to find something, some hidden clue, anything that could make a difference.

  Why had Colin acted scared when he got notice? Why all the theatrics of telling me how much he loved me? Had he fallen in love with me in the time we spent together? Or was it all just an act? Was he afraid because part of him no longer wanted to go? She reflected again on the run-in at the common room with Ida. Did he love Ida, or was she just another female to pass the time with? Did he love either of us? Was he even capable of love?

  She remained in bed for two days, her mind continually swimming in a pool of filth and despair. Each time she tried to get up, it was as though a weight pressed against her chest, making it both difficult to move or to breathe. It was easier to lay still, to remain silent.

  Chastity never called in a nurse. She never threatened to send her to a medical center, or even tried to engage with her. She simply made sure that Freya was eating and drinking. On the second night, there was a knock at the door. Chastity answered, but Freya did not turn over or look up, and she felt someone sit on the edge of the bed.

  “Freya, Victor is here, and he would like to speak to you,” she said gently.

  “I don’t want to. I don’t have anything to say,” she said into the blankets tucked around her chin. Victor walked around to the other side of the bed and squatted down to be eye level with Freya. She pulled the covers over her face in a childish manner.

  “Freya, sweetie, please look at me. I just want to help. I need to know if we can help you,” he said.

  “No. Just leave me alone,” she said from behind the covers. Victor reached out and gently pulled the covers down from her face. She grabbed them and then pulled them back over her head.

  “Will you please at least look at me? I have been so worried about you.”

  “No. I can’t look at you.”

  “I understand if you hate me, I do, but I still want you to get better. If you don’t want to live here anymore I understand.” His voice was hoarse with emotion. “Do you want us to make other arrangements? Will that make you happier? Just tell me what you want.”

  Freya
could not hold her tears in any longer. “I don’t want to go anywhere.” Victor again tried to pull the blanket down; this time she didn’t have any fight left in her. “Don’t look at me. I’m so humiliated.”

  Chastity slid in closer and rubbed her back. Victor slowly reached out for Freya’s hand.

  “You have nothing to be ashamed of, my dear. You have been through something terrible. I understand that you are upset.” He took her hand in his and gently stroked her arm with his other hand.

  She closed her eyes and tried to get control of her breathing. “Yes, I do. I was such a fool. How did I fall for it?” Her attempt at self-control was abandoned. She sobbed even harder.

  Victor let out a deep sigh, and Chastity practically wrapped herself around her.

  “No, Freya. You don’t—you weren’t. He was a very cunning manipulator. You are not a fool. You may even be the only female to have ever said no to him. I’m the one who is ashamed. I should have been able to stop it, but I never knew. I am ashamed of my entire organization, and that you were ever put in this situation.” He softly pushed her hair out of her face. “You deserved so much better for your life. You are too good for this.”

  “Freya, you don’t have to decide anything right now, but we have to do something. We can’t just leave you in bed like this,” Chastity said. “I need you to think about if you want to stay here or go to a medical center until you are feeling better.”

  “I don’t want to go anywhere,” Freya said.

  “Alright then, we will try to keep you here. But if you want to stay put, I need you to get up tomorrow. You need to get up and shower and exercise. If you can do that, we can tell the doctors you are doing better. Can you do that? Can you do just those two things tomorrow?” she asked gently.

  Freya didn’t think she could do either of those things but knew the alternative was worse. She nodded in agreement.

  “Good. That’s a good girl. You are so strong, Freya. I know it doesn’t feel like that right now, but you will get through this.” Victor stood and left the room.

  Chastity stayed on the bed with her, stroking her back, but remained silent until she drifted to sleep.

  ***

  The next morning, Chastity woke Freya once she herself had finished getting ready for the day. She guided Freya to the shower, made sure that she ate, and then walked her to the exercise room. There was no part of her that wanted to exercise, but she accepted it was necessary. She went on the treadmill and walked a casual pace. This was not a sufficient pace to meet the State’s requirement for physical activity, but it was all she was capable of. There was no fire, no drive, no anger—nothing. Her body was easily fatigued, and so she cut her walk short and stretched for a while. After she was finished, she simply went back to the apartment and crawled into bed. Chastity was there at mealtimes to ensure she ate her small portions.

  No one tried to get her to do more; no one said anything. She continued on in this state for a few days, and then a restless feeling began to set in. It was time for her to return to the gardens, the only space where she had any hope of finding a feeling of contentment. Although she did not have the mental clarity to work on her training for the Council, she couldn’t stay in bed any longer. She would spend her time in the gardens and forested area—sometimes working, and oftentimes just sitting with her back against a tree—until Chastity insisted that she came back inside, and then she would go to the exercise room. Her casual pace on the treadmill had grown gradually to a brisk walk, and then to a light jog.

  The combination of exercise, steady work, time spent in the forested area, and the medications eventually evened out her emotions. Although she still had found no cause for joy or laughter, a sense of contentment settled in. She started to accept that what had happened with Colin could not have been avoided. The State had placed them together, and it was her compliant nature that made her eventually give in to him. Although she was still angry the State had left them together knowing he was leaving, she was letting go of the anger at Colin.

  He had been coupled with expectations of sex, which was completely natural and understandable. As Victor had said, he would manipulate her until he got what he wanted. Perhaps he even cared for her, in some way. It definitely was not love, just hormones raging out of control with two young people. If Freya had been given a choice to go on the spaceship, she thought perhaps it would have been too tempting for her to turn down herself. A chance to live out in the open, no video surveillance, no rations, no cages—just open space and sunshine.

  The thought of living on the colony world danced around in her mind, which caused a new thought to fester inside of her. Why hadn’t I been selected? They needed agriculturalists there. She was the right age, in good physical condition. Was it simply because Colin had already selected to go, and he wanted to be re-coupled? Or could there be another factor behind it? As Victor had still been treating her with special favor, she decided to ask him. She kept a close eye on the time while working. She washed up and headed to his office just before mealtime. His door was open; he sat at the desk as usual, working on his tablet.

  “Hi, Victor. Can I talk to you?” She stood in the open doorway. He looked up and smiled, and simply put his tablet down and waved her in. She closed the door and took a seat. “I am sorry to bother you.”

  “Not at all. I am glad you are here. What can I do for you?”

  “I am aware that you have already given me more information than what I am entitled to,” she said, as some hesitation slipped through into her voice.

  “Yes, but you have been through more than your fair share of grievances, Freya. I don’t know if I have any more information that would put your mind at ease, but I understand your need for closure.”

  Freya took a deep breath. “Why wasn’t I chosen for the colonization project?”

  Victor looked surprised at her question, and then nodded. “I thought it would be clear, but perhaps it is not as you have hardly started your training.”

  “My training? You mean for the Council?”

  “Yes, Freya. I understand why you feel you should have been selected, but as you had just joined the Council, you were not even considered.”

  “Are you saying that no member of the Council is on that ship? How can you build a colony planet without Councilmembers?” she pressed.

  Victor sighed. “I can’t reveal if there are Councilmembers on the ship or not. You are aware of the secrecy of their identity. What I can say is that the people on the spacecraft were well-trained in what will be expected of them once they have landed. There is a clear plan for them to follow, with the right people in place to ensure everything is done in accordance to that plan. Being a part of that project would conflict with your Council training. It is a high honor to be chosen, and we have big plans for you.” He hesitated. “I do hope that you will get back into your training soon, Freya. I appreciate your need to heal, and so I have not wanted to pressure you, but I do hope that soon you will get back to your normal self.”

  “So it has to do with me being on the Council. It’s not because Colin wanted to be re-coupled?” she asked to clarify.

  “No. It had nothing to do with Colin. If you were a candidate for the project, the two of you would have gone together. His request for re-coupling, like in most situations, would have been denied,” he said.

  Freya pondered this for a moment.

  “Why does the State hold people in couples against their will?” she asked. “If two people are unhappy, would it not make more sense to give them a chance to find happiness?”

  “Freya, the fact is, most couplings are very successful.” He folded his hands on the desk. “If Colin had been more patient, if he had not been so reactive at your introduction not going smoothly, do you not think you could have settled in and been happy together?”

  His words made her lose the pit of her stomach. He was right. If Colin hadn’t jumped at the opportunity to leave, they probably would have been happy together. Her an
ger started to rise up and her face flushed.

  “You yourself, who could have just as easily stayed with him, even though you were better suited for independent living.” He paused again. “It is not uncommon for couples to struggle in their first few months together, and that is why it makes me furious at whoever it was who decided he could leave.”

  The alert for mealtime then chimed on both of their tablets.

  “If you would like to continue this conversation, I can request our meals to be delivered in here.”

  “No,” she said, still trying to get her emotions under control.

  Victor nodded, got up from the desk and gestured for her to follow. They sat down at the meal with everyone, but Freya did not say a single word. She simply ate quickly and then excused herself to get back to the grounds.

  There was a strong need in her to be alone, as far away from everyone as she could possibly get. It was not required of her to be there, but she headed to the farthest reaches of the forested area. She sat down with her back to a tree, and looked out over the gap of grasslands between the trees and edge of the dome. She kept telling herself that she should keep working, but the weight of the information she had just received pressed heavily on her chest.