“I’m sorry you had to go through that,” he said when she finished firing. “But that wasn’t what I was going to ask you.”
Freya lowered the gun and looked at him.
“I was going to ask you how old you are,” he said gently.
“Seventeen,” she answered. “I’ll be eighteen in a few months.”
He shook his head, slightly bug-eyed. “Well, you are the oldest seventeen-year-old I have ever met.” He paused. “I thought when I first met you that you were older, closer to my age, but the more I look at you, I can see your youth. I have been wondering for a while how you became such an old soul. I kinda thought maybe that’s what working in the State house does to you.” He stopped, afraid he had said too much.
Freya put the gun down in the booth and sighed. She had no idea what to say to Lewis; nothing appropriate came to mind. She had just shared intimate information, which was something she was not in the habit of doing. There was just something about him: she felt safe, she felt as if she could trust him, and that was rare for her.
“You look like you are done for the night. I am sorry, Freya. I shouldn’t have brought it up or asked anything personal.” His shoulders slumped.
“Yes, you should have. You were told to analyze me due to the attack. It was not your mistake that you didn’t know that I was in recovery from something much worse when the attack happened. Perhaps if they expected you to properly do your job, they should have told you that.”
“Ah, yeah, they should have, you’re right about that.” He seemed a little angry. “So what happens to you now?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m sorry. It is really none of my business. I shouldn’t have said anything. I guess I am still in shock about what happened. Please forgive me.”
“What did you mean?” She repeated the question.
He blew out some air, and rubbed his jaw for a moment. “Well, I just mean, do you get coupled again? Where do you go? Where do you live?”
Freya shrugged and leaned against the wall. “I’m not entirely sure, to be honest. I definitely don’t want to be coupled ever again, and I think Victor will protect me from that.”
“How do you mean, he will protect you?”
“I’m not like most people—others need a place to fit into society. I don’t. I can live at the State house, and so I don’t need a Security officer to protect me as a partner either. This is the only place I go.”
“He was a Security officer?” Lewis asked.
“Yes. The women who work in the State house are coupled with Security officers. I think the State feels it will help keep us safe or something. Chastity is a widow, and so the both of us live in apartments inside the State house. I think if I had a different civil duty, they might try to couple me again, or maybe they wouldn’t—I don’t know. But I think I am allowed to keep living here, single,” she said.
Lewis remained silent for a moment, as though he was choosing his words carefully. “I didn’t know that there were people living in the apartments inside the State house,” he said. “You are so young—you have your entire life ahead of you. Who knows, you might want to move out of the State house someday.”
“Not if I have to get coupled again to leave,” she said, and then began to clean up and get ready to leave.
Lewis seemed to pick up on the hint that she didn’t want to talk or discuss it any further. He moved the lever for the target to advance. There were just fragments of paper left hanging. She had fired so many rounds the paper was all torn up, barely resembling a man.
“Well, I think you got him,” Lewis said, and then Freya smiled.
“Yeah, guess I did,” she replied. “Same time tomorrow?”
“Yep, and tomorrow we go through more self-defence.”
She started to head for the door.
“Freya,” he said with a pause, “thank you for being honest with me today. I don’t imagine all that stuff is easy to talk about.”
Freya turned to look back at him but did not speak. His eyes were so knowing, she felt as though he understood her without further explanation. She nodded to him and then turned and left the room.
Chapter 8
In the morning, Freya woke up early as part of her now regular routine and headed down to the exercise room. She had been training with Lewis for a few weeks, and the strength she had developed in her upper body was really beginning to show. Her arms, which were once slender and soft, were defined and firm. Her body didn’t just look different; she felt different. While working in the grounds, she could tell her movements were less tiring than before. After the treadmill, she held a pose the monitor called a plank for a full minute before she began to really feel it. She had started to spend even more time strength training and stretching than she spent on the treadmill.
Her combat training didn’t require any particular fitness level; Lewis was still teaching her defensive maneuvers. The exercises had become much like a drug to her. It was the only part of her life where she could truly feel independent and strong. Even though the State had monitors to tell her what to do, and make sure that she didn’t train too hard, she still felt that this room was a sacred place for her. It brought her peace.
On her way back from exercising, Freya passed by Victor’s office—the door was open and she caught a glimpse of him at his desk. He looked up at her almost instinctively.
“Freya, may I have a word with you?” Victor called out to her. “I need you to take the day off from the grounds. Stay in your apartment until it is time for your training with Lewis.”
“And what am I supposed to do with myself in there all day?” She leaned in the doorway.
“You are rather behind on your courses for the Council. I do not say this in any way to add pressure to you. I know you have been preoccupied. Perhaps this will be a great opportunity for you to get a little further along.” He then looked back at his tablet.
Victor felt no need to explain his request, and she was well aware that his reason would only aggravate her. Either way, she did not have a say in the matter. Freya was to spend the day locked in the apartment and work on her studies.
After a shower and some food, she settled into the desk by the window. When she had first come into this apartment, she was so pleased to have a desk by the window; it was sure to make the learning more enjoyable. If she couldn’t be in the beautiful grounds, at least she could look at them. She opened the tablet and began to read. The training had a series of modules; at the end of each chapter, there was a test on the information in that module. The questions were multiple choice, and really quite easy, almost too easy. Freya began to wonder whether some of this had been a repeat from the exams she had previously taken in school.
A thought then struck her. She had to roll it around in her mind for a while before she could be honest with herself and admit what she was thinking: this is all propaganda. There was no new information; it was all information she had already learned in the mandatory State education. The purpose of all of this was to remind people that they needed the State. If the State hadn’t taken power, they would have died. Everyone works for the common good; everyone is equal. Why would they choose to use this to train someone to be a Councilmember? If I have made it this far, should I really need a reminder of why the State is in power to begin with?
Freya began to feel agitated by the course materials and decided it was time for a break. She saved her spot and looked out the window. Victor had told her she had to stay in, and he said it would be a good idea for her to work on her courses, but she was fairly certain that if she just sat and stared out the window, no harm would come of it. She stretched out in the chair and put her hands behind her head, her fingers intertwined. Her vision began to go in and out of focus; she was feeling a little bit tired, which was probably why she didn’t see it right away—men out by the tree line. She didn’t know whether it was her eyes or her mind that came into focus, but suddenly she saw them.
Her hands
fell from behind her head and she leaned forward on the desk, trying to get a better look. After a mere second of panic, she relaxed. All of the men were in uniform. This was not a break-in or attack of any sort, no action of the rebellion. This was instead some sort of a work crew, and Victor being overly paranoid as usual. They must be installing the cameras and extra security equipment around the forested part of the dome. This was the first work crew she had seen since the attempted break-in. It all seemed a little overkill to Freya. She didn’t know whether the glass was unbreakable or whether they had an insufficient tool to break the glass, but those people didn’t get through. Installing the security measures seemed unnecessary to her, even more unnecessary than her being locked up because a few workers were on the grounds.
Looking at them made her angrier; the Council training also irritated her. She would have liked nothing more than to spend the time training with Lewis. Being allowed to exercise would at least help with the feeling of restlessness that had taken over her, but she couldn’t do that either. She was being held captive with nothing to pass the time. Freya pulled out her tablet and lay down on the sofa. She searched through the puzzles but nothing looked particularly appealing. Puzzles used to be her favourite thing to do, and she had all but abandoned them.
Perhaps this was due to Colin. He had changed the purpose of doing puzzles for her. What had once been an activity to challenge herself and keep her mind keen had become a friendly competition between them. After making it a game to play with him, it just wasn’t as fun anymore alone. Once their relationship had developed a physical nature, the puzzles just plain seemed childish. There was nothing that she wanted to do more than to just be with Colin once things had changed. A puzzle held no appeal. After he was gone, they only brought up painful memories of when they used to play together—it was how they formed a friendship before their relationship developed romantically.
Tears filled her eyes. She tried to push them down, but pushing her feelings and memories of Colin was something she was weary of doing. It had been so much to take in. She had no choice to push the feeling away in the beginning. The lies, manipulation, or even not being sure whether he was lying or manipulating. She could never truly be sure if he had fallen for her in the end, whether perhaps there was a part of him that didn’t want to leave. He could have even told them he didn’t want to go anymore, and it could have been too late. By the time it would be possible to be in contact with him, she would be old enough to be his mother. Would I want to face him even if there wasn’t an age difference? He had lied to her. He had wanted to leave. If he changed his mind at the last minute, perhaps that was no more than what he deserved.
Freya had been scrolling through the archived materials before the tears had come. After gaining a little composure, she looked at her tablet again, hoping to find a distraction. It appeared as though she had unintentionally hit a key. She was in a section in the archives that she did not mean to go into. A recording of a previous broadcast was on the screen in front of her. It was the first video to pop up in this segment as it was the most frequently viewed—the broadcast of the spacecraft launch.
Without any thought, Freya pushed play and began to relive her nightmare. As she watched the broadcast, tears streamed down her face. She was nauseous but felt the need to finish it. She knew what was coming—she couldn’t even comprehend how painful it would be to see Colin again on the screen—but couldn’t stop herself from watching. When he appeared on the screen, Freya didn’t cry out; she didn’t lose the contents of her stomach like she thought she might. It didn’t hurt any more than it did before. It almost didn’t feel real watching him there. Once the video had stopped showing him, she rewound the scene to watch him again.
She watched it over and over. This was the only piece of Colin she had left. Their apartment had been cleaned out; she had never even been allowed to return. She studied his face, tried to look for clues about how he was feeling or what he was thinking, as if it could give her some sort of answer about why he left her. All she could really see was that he looked terrified. He didn’t look excited or even his normal arrogant self—just frightened. So much of her wanted to believe that he looked like that because he didn’t want to go, he never really wanted to leave her, but she was too practical for that. Everyone must have been scared; she would be. They were headed for an unknown planet on a voyage that had never been done before.
There was so much room for error with colonization. The spacecraft could malfunction and they could all be stranded in space, with no rescue possible. The life-support functions of the chambers could not sustain them for twenty-two full years. An asteroid could strike the spacecraft. What if the vessel crashed on impact? Even if they made it there safely, who really knew what this new planet would be like? There could be animals, insects, or diseases that could wipe out the entire colony. Of course, the civilians on board would have been warned of the risks, but he chose to go anyway.
He would rather risk his life than share it with me.
It was then, with that realization, she decided to not rewind the video again. She would finish it to see the spacecraft lift off, and then she would never watch it again. It was time for her to move on with her life. The video continued after Colin was secured in the chamber. The camera panned to show the lineup of people waiting to be sealed in for the voyage, and then showed other areas of the spacecraft.
Freya rewound to the part right after Colin was secured, and moved the tablet closer to her face, wanting to see how scared everyone else in the line-up looked. A recognition struck her, followed by a sick feeling. She ran to the bathroom and emptied the contents of her stomach, and then went back to the video again to make sure her mind wasn’t playing tricks on her. She watched the few seconds of the video again, and knew for certain: Ida was the next person in line behind Colin.
This could be no coincidence. It wasn’t possible. The mere fact Ida was also chosen for colonization was enough to make her suspicious, but they could have only been placed traveling side by side for one reason: they were coupled. Colin really had lied about everything to her. He never chose her. He chose Ida and fought like hell to be with her. She thought back to the time she had run into Ida in the common room. Ida made no attempt to hide her affections for Colin, even though she was coupled with someone else. They must have both been given a choice to go, and then played the parts they needed to play until the time came they could be together.
No more excuses or justifications ran through her mind, and there never would be again. It was so clear now. She had been such a fool. Victor was right—Colin had lied to her to get what he wanted. If he was stuck with her for a long while and couldn’t see Ida, he would manipulate her as a way to pass the time. Freya was to Colin what puzzles were to her: just a game.
Freya could not sit still any longer. She could get in trouble for going underground when it was not her allotted time, but she didn’t care. She needed to shoot something. She opened the entryway to the stairs and headed down to the training area.
When she walked in, she was surprised to see Lewis there by himself. He was in the matted room they did their combat training in, punching a large bag that was suspended from the ceiling. She stood and watched him for a moment and as she did, the reality sunk in that she should not be there. Just as she was about to turn and leave, Lewis caught sight of her and stopped.
“Freya, it’s not time yet, is it?” He sounded a little startled.
“No, I am early. I can just go and do target practice if I am disturbing you,” she said, now feeling a little sheepish.
“No, it’s fine. I just finished up training some new recruits and wanted to box before you came.”
“So that is boxing that you are doing?” she asked.
“Yeah, you want to try it?”
“Oh, you have no idea.”
Lewis chuckled a little, and then grabbed a pair of gloves for her. “So who pissed you off today?” he asked as she put the gloves on.
>
“Don’t ask.” She gave him a stern look.
“Well, I heard they were installing new security systems around the State house today. I heard Victor won’t let you out of your room when they do that. I’m glad you came down. I wouldn’t want to be pent up all day either.” He helped her lace up the gloves.
Part of her wanted to tell him everything. About Victor, about Colin and Ida. But she knew if she did, she would just end up an emotional wreck, and what she really wanted to do was to hit something. He accepted her silence, and didn’t press any further. He could switch between being sympathetic to focused in a flash.
Lewis taught her how to throw a punch. She would have preferred it if he had let her just start punching, and possibly kicking the bag, but Lewis was a perfectionist. He had her do it over and over, constantly tweaking her body position and arms. Then he finally moved her over to the bag and let her have at it. At first, she tried to focus and do what Lewis had just taught her. With every punch thrown, she thought of Colin. She imagined the bag was him, and what she would do if she ever saw him again. For every hurt, every grievance Colin’s leaving had caused her, the innocent punching bag received her vengeance.
Conflicted: Book Two of the State Series Page 9
