Conflicted: Book Two of the State Series

by M. J. Kaestli

  Ursa often wanted to talk about Colin and their life together. She told her all sorts of stories about his childhood, all the mischief he caused. Freya found herself telling the story of their first meeting, and to her surprise, Ursa laughed through the whole thing.

  They also spoke of how much they missed him. Freya shared how difficult it had been when he first left. Their conversations often had both laughter combined with many tears. It was almost as though they were mourning his death, even though he was still alive. When they had exhausted topics of the past, they turned to theories about what they thought the colony world might be like. How they envisioned Colin creating trouble, pulling pranks on people. It was so healing for the both of them.

  Lewis would ask every time she met with Ursa whether she had learned anything, and she explained every time that Ursa just wanted to talk about Colin; she also seemed to enjoy her company. She started to speculate with Lewis that they had either left the rebellion, or didn’t really trust her. Lewis insisted it would just take longer for her to share something that dangerous. He did at some point admit he wondered whether their information was incorrect. Freya tried to remain neutral, tried to stick to the theory she left the rebellion. Whatever information they had been acting on when given the assignment was correct, but she didn’t know how solid Lewis’s beliefs were in the informant. If Freya pushed in the direction of claiming they were misinformed, she was afraid Lewis would see right through her. He remained patient with their mission, and with Freya.

  She knew it was a false life she had settled into, but she was at peace. Even though she was not honest with Lewis, and it wasn’t really love, she did enjoy his company. She also enjoyed her life at the greenhouse and spending time with Ursa. There would always be a scar over her heart because of Colin, but she was finding joy.

  She was actually making friends at the greenhouse and would sometimes meet others in the common room also. Although she missed Chastity and Amaia, she no longer missed the State house. Every time she thought of Victor, she was angry, even though she was enjoying her new life. Sometimes she would indulge herself in the thought that she could stay. She knew logically that it could not be, at least not with Lewis, but she could stay in the greenhouse with Ursa and her friends. Maybe the mission would take years; perhaps this was how it was done.

  It was all going so well, until a Security officer showed up in the greenhouse one afternoon, and asked Ursa to come with him. He was not hostile, non-threatening, but Freya instantly lost the pit of her stomach. My plan has failed. There could be no other explanation. How did I possibly think I could fool Lewis? He knew I was protecting Ursa, holding information back from him. Why didn’t they arrest me also? Would I be arrested next? Her stomach turned in knots. Were they bringing Ursa in for questioning about me? Were they arresting her? Would I ever see Ursa again? She continued to work, trying to just get through the day, one minute at a time. Less than an hour later, another Security officer came, asking for Freya.

  Cady led Freya over to the officer, and he gently guided her toward the elevator without speaking. He brought her down to a floor in the apartment building, which surprised Freya. Why would he question me here? They have secure rooms for this sort of thing. He led her into an apartment, and then explained that Ursa was in the bedroom, and she should go and comfort her, and left her there with no further explanation.

  Freya was so confused. Why would they do this? Take us both away but leave us together? With trembling legs, Freya walked to the bedroom to find Ursa lying in bed crying, alone. Instinctively, Freya closed the door and sat on the edge of the bed.

  “They said it was a heart attack,” Ursa said through her sobs.

  “I don’t understand. Who had a heart attack?”

  “Rowen—he’s dead. They killed him!”

  Freya could not wrap her mind around what Ursa had said. All she knew was that she needed to be closer to Ursa. She lay down behind her and wrapped her arm around Ursa.

  “He’s dead? I can’t believe it. I’m so sorry,” Freya said, now starting to cry herself. “How could he have a heart attack? He looked fine just a few weeks ago.”

  “They killed him. I know it. It was not a natural heart attack.”

  “No, they didn’t—they wouldn’t. Why would anyone want to kill him?” Freya knew Ursa meant the State, but she also knew she was wrong. One’s mind said terrible things in a time of grief.

  “Because of you. Because you haven’t told them anything yet. Why else would they kill him?”

  Freya tried to process this statement, but knew she was wrong. There had to be another explanation for this.

  “I don’t understand.”

  “We knew the moment you and Lewis showed up that you were sent here as spies. There could be no other explanation. How could Lewis possibly be placed in the same civil duty as him, while you were sent to my greenhouse, both in our building?” She gave a bitter laugh. “It amazes me the State has held power for so long, when they do such blatantly stupid things.” Freya was at a complete loss of words. She remained silent, and then Ursa continued. “They hoped you would gain our trust because of Colin, but they overlooked how much you loved him. Stupid, yet typical. You could never give away his family. When I asked to introduce you, they said you couldn’t be trusted, but I knew.”

  Hearing Ursa finally speak of everything so black-and-white brought clarity to her mind. All of the fears she had before coming on the mission were confirmed; the gut feelings were correct. This entire mission had been a very bad idea. She was no spy, and even though Lewis was good at what he did, it was so obvious and completely stupid. Freya couldn’t possibly imagine the right thing to say. She was a spy, a very bad one. Everything Ursa said was true. How did she know it, but the State couldn’t figure it out?

  “It’s okay, Freya. I was never angry. I knew they made you do it. They lied to you about Colin to make you angry. Then manipulated you when you were weak. They thought if you hated Colin, you would jump at the chance to expose us. I knew the moment you said he told you why we were fighting—I knew you would never turn us in. You already knew about what our family was, and before Colin even left us, and you never told them.” Ursa rolled over to face Freya. She grabbed onto her hand, and they both lay there together for a moment.

  “I don’t understand why you think they caused Rowen’s heart attack. Would they not just bring him in for questioning if they suspected him of anything? And how can they even do that? How do you make someone have a heart attack?”

  “It is easy to slip something in someone’s food or drink. Lewis would have received orders to do it. He never tried to talk to him—that is how we knew that they were counting on you for information. Lewis was just around him all the time but never tried to be friendly. They probably assessed you weren’t getting anywhere, and so they did this, hoping I would start to tell you everything.”

  “What do we do then? I can’t turn you over. I was hoping to find something to give them that had nothing to do with you. If I gave them something bigger, or someone, I thought I could brush off you having any involvement,” Freya said. Now that she had spoken her plan out loud, it sounded so silly. Then again, she was never meant to be a spy.

  “We came up with some information for you to pass along. You give them something to make them think you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing. They need to still trust you,” Ursa answered.

  “Are you trying to protect me now?”

  “We need to protect both you and your cover. You are one of us now, Freya, whether you are ready to admit it to yourself or not. You have seen what they are capable of doing. You have seen firsthand that they will go to any lengths to keep their power. It is just a matter of time before you calculate what you have lost, what they have done to you, and you won’t be able to have your old life any longer.”

  “What are you saying? That I am going to be a double agent? I’m sorry to tell you this, but I’m not good enough to be a spy for
one side, let alone two.”

  “You don’t have to listen to me. You will come to this on your own. We have some time to get you the right information. They will know I am grief stricken, and obviously they believe that thus far I have told you nothing. You will continue to spend time with me, to comfort me. I will also have opportunities to communicate with other members. We can all put our heads together to come up with information for you to pass along. It has to be very close to something true, or something true but old. Do you understand?”

  Freya didn’t have to think about this. “Yep. Victor always said the best lies are mostly true.”

  Ursa flinched a little. “That is what you call him?”

  “It is what all members of his household call him,” she replied.

  “I’m sorry—members of his household?”

  “Yeah, that is what he called us. He used to always tell us we were like his family. He often ate lunch with us,” Freya answered.

  Ursa had a kind of blank stare, and then followed up with a bitter laugh.

  “Oh that’s rich. That…” She laughed again. “He is pure evil. If he at least openly admitted it, I wouldn’t have such a problem with it. But he wants his staff to love him, when he would kill any one of them if it suited his agenda. He is buying devotion.”

  Freya had nothing to say in response. There was a time in her life where she would have argued with someone if they had made that kind of a statement. The truth was, she didn’t know whether Victor really cared for them, or if it was just an act. He had treated her like family for so long, yet so blatantly didn’t care for her feelings when it was convenient to him for her to become a spy.

  “Do you love him? Did you really think of him as family?” Ursa asked.

  “I did once. I totally bought into everything he said. Since he sent me here, I have been doubting if he was ever genuine,” she answered, and then started to get upset. “You know, I loved Colin. I thought we were perfect. Then Victor told me he didn’t love me. I put the pieces together about Ida, and I was just so angry. I don’t even think I was mad at him. I was angry at myself for falling for it. Now I feel that way about Victor, and I don’t know what to believe about anything in my life!”

  Ursa wrapped her arms around her, and they lay there together for a long time.

  Once Freya gained a little more control of herself, Ursa began to talk again. “I have told you what I think, but it doesn’t matter, at least not in your heart. You have to work that out yourself, if you think Colin left or was taken, and everything Victor said was a lie. You will come to it in time and make the right choice. If I don’t allow you to decide for yourself, then I am no better than the State. We all deserve choices, Freya, and so you must make yours. I will do my best to give you information to help protect you, but if you want nothing more to do with the rebellion, that is up to you.” She kissed Freya’s forehead.

  They stayed together for their evening meal, and Freya didn’t care whether Security came, or what Lewis would think. She stayed the night, sleeping next to Ursa.

  In the morning, Freya woke up before Ursa and was surprised to see how late it was. No alarm had been set for the apartment. Obviously Ursa was not expected at the greenhouse, and Freya began to wonder whether they had forgotten she was there. She went to the monitor and checked for messages. There was in fact a message for Ursa, explaining that both she and Freya were allowed to spend the day together to help ease her grief. Freya had been given access to the apartment temporarily and Lewis had also been informed as to why she was missing. Freya clicked off the monitor and grabbed breakfast bars and made tea to bring into the bedroom.

  Ursa was still sleeping, and so Freya found what she thought must have been Rowen’s tablet. Part of her felt apprehensive about using it, as though it was irreverent to use something that belonged to someone recently deceased. Right after she had this thought, she realized how silly it was. It didn’t belong to him; everything belonged to the State.

  When Colin had left, she wasn’t allowed back in the apartment. A horrible realization came to her at that moment. Ursa was going to be moved out of here. There was no way they were going to keep her in a large apartment for two when it was just her. How long would they let her grieve before they sent her away? Would they give her a day, a week? They couldn’t possibly give her a month. Would we still be able to see each other?

  Her heart ached at the thought of being separated from Ursa. She had become her mother, just as she had become Ursa’s daughter. Would they still let us have calls like I used to have with my own parents? Of course, they would have to be careful with what they said, all conversations being monitored, but at least she could still see her. There was something about this thought; she did something she said she wouldn’t do again. She went into the file of previous broadcasts, and watched the launch of the spacecraft. She fast-forwarded to the part that showed Colin. She just wanted to see his face again.

  Ursa woke up while Freya was watching, and she tucked in beside her to watch with her.

  “That’s her? That’s the girl you think he left you for?”

  Freya couldn’t respond; she just nodded.

  “I know who she is. Her parents are also a part of the rebellion, and she was also. Although I never once heard Colin talk about her.”

  “You just think it is a coincidence that they are right beside each other on the spacecraft then?”

  “No, I don’t. I think the State has put them together. They are probably coupled against their will. I am sure they had reasons for separating the two of you, and she is part of it. But not because Colin loved her.”

  “But why? Why would they do something like that?” Freya demanded.

  “I’m not sure. Maybe they knew about our family, and wanted to ensure Colin didn’t corrupt you. Or perhaps they wanted to make you a spy. I think it was a stupid mistake. They are not the only members of the rebellion on that spacecraft. If they put too many of us on there, well, that just makes it that much easier for us to act.”

  “Act how?”

  “I suppose it is time you know what is going on.” Ursa sighed. “We are laying low for right now, being docile. We want the State to believe that we are so optimistic that the world will change when the new colony opens up, that we are no longer fighting.”

  “And you think they will believe that?’ Freya asked.

  “Yes. When a certain amount of time passes without any incident, yes, they will. We have desisted any attacks, any threats; they have no reason to believe we are still active. We have even been communicating less. The messages have been sent all over: sit tight until the ship lands.”

  “What are you planning to do then?” Her heart pounded so hard, she felt her pulse in her throat.

  “You already know about the transport device. The thing is, there needs to be two of them to work: one on our side and one on theirs. We will storm the gate when it opens, get as many of our people on the other side of it as possible, and then we destroy the gate on the other side.”

  “Why would you do that? When we colonize, life will be so different. I mean, we won’t need population control anymore, and our rations will be different.”

  “You ask this because you don’t understand the very nature of the State. They are about control; it is all they care about. It doesn’t matter if we have more space and resources. Things will be the same as they are now. We all are just a number. We are not individuals who deserve the basic rights to choose for ourselves what we want our lives to be.”

  “I think you are wrong. I think they just did what needed to be done—they ensured our survival, until we have another option. Victor told me about the analysis done; there is no other way for us to live. They constantly test the environment. They want to go outside too, but it’s just not possible right now. Why can’t we just wait and see how different things will be? Why take such drastic measures when it may not be necessary? A lot of lives could be lost with this plan. Why risk it?”


  “Every person who becomes a part of our cause is ready to die for it, and to lose our loved ones. The reason we feel this—at least the loss would be for change. They killed my partner. They could kill anyone at any given time because they want to. Should you not have been given the choice to stay with Colin? Even if it meant going with him? But before that, you should have had the right to choose Colin as your mate. You said yourself how angry you were to be coupled. They told you that you were not sexually mature enough to be coupled, yet it served a purpose for them to do so, and so they did.” Ursa paused for a moment. “You may not see it now, and it’s understandable if you don’t. But there will come a day, Freya, a day when the State has taken too much from you by force. A day when you realize the risks are worth it, and you, too, will be willing to lay down your life to stop them.”

  A chill ran down her spine. She didn’t agree with what Ursa said, yet it felt haunting. There was nothing that could happen to make her feel that way. She started to remember Lewis’s words to her, what he said to make her agree to take this mission. The rebellion will stop at nothing until they destroy the State, and it doesn’t matter to them how many lives are lost in order to do it. Freya could not tell Ursa she felt this way. As much as she disagreed with what she believed, she could not betray her.