Conflicted: Book Two of the State Series

by M. J. Kaestli

  “I’m sorry. I thought since I slept here I needed to go see Lewis last night.”

  “No need to apologize, dear. You need to keep up appearances with him. I know you can’t always be here.”

  Freya nodded, but still felt guilty for not being around.

  “I have some good news.”

  “You do? Please tell me, I would love some good news,” said Freya.

  “I had to go in and talk to a psychologist today, and she has arranged for you to still have access to my apartment.”

  “Really? That is good news. I thought this was just going to be for your bereavement week.”

  “Yes, it was supposed to be, but the psychologist agreed that I need you here with me.” Ursa smiled. “She said you could come and see me every other day after we finish at the greenhouse. A letter is being sent to Lewis, which of course he has to consent to, but I am sure he will.”

  “Yeah, of course he will.” Freya sneered.

  “How did last night go?”

  Freya laid back on the bed and gave a heavy sigh. “He bought it. I am just tense because I don’t know how to do this without implicating you. How do we get a list of names without you taking the fall?”

  “I am not worried about that. Like the others, I am ready to die for this if that is what it takes,” Ursa answered sternly.

  “But there has to be another way,” Freya said. “We just haven’t thought of it yet. Maybe we could say you introduced me to someone, and they gave me the information. We have to think of a way to make it sound like you had minimal involvement.”

  “I appreciate you wanting to keep me around, I do, but I don’t know if that is possible.” She looked in Freya’s eyes. “I will do what is necessary, and that is what you need to do also. If we can find a way to stay together, of course I will love that, but my life is not a priority.”

  “But I am not prepared to do that. The rebellion may be your priority, but you are mine. There has to be a way to pull this off, and I will find it. I just need more time.”

  “I will try to think of something, but I already have a plan in place. I am going to the common room tomorrow when you go home to Lewis, and I am sending a message that you are ready. I will have you meet with someone next week, and they will be the first name you give the State.”

  “Next week?” Freya asked in shock. “Why so soon? I’m not ready.”

  “Freya, the State is looking for results. If you don’t give that to them, they will suspect you. I fear they suspect you already. It is time to start giving them information. It is time to act.” Ursa shifted and wrapped her arms around Freya. “I know you are scared, but we have to do this. You want to protect me—well, I need to protect you also.”

  “Why me? Why would these people be willing to die on the chance I might be in a position of power? That doesn’t make any sense. I don’t even agree with the drastic measures they want to take. I think you have the wrong girl.”

  “It doesn’t matter if you don’t completely agree with us. You would be a better leader than any other. You have a morality that the State is lacking. You are compassionate. If there is ever someone who could change the direction of the State, it would be you. You are not thirsty for power, or control. If we truly want to move in a new direction, it will be you who has to lead us,” she said. “If you were in power, maybe we wouldn’t need to take the colony planet by force. Maybe we really could live in peace.”

  “Do you really believe that? Or is this your way of agreeing to disagree with me?”

  “I do believe it. If anyone could create change, it is you. You could bridge the gap of both sides of the war. If peace is possible, you will bring it. If you could find a moderate path, I think you could convince the rebellion to live in peace.”

  “How am I supposed to do that?”

  “Convince them there is another way. Do what is necessary to get yourself in a place of power, and then lead the people differently. Show everyone that change is possible, and the rebellion is not necessary.”

  “How can I send people to their deaths if I have an agenda that is different than their own? You said these people were willing to die thinking that I am going to follow their plan. I don’t think I could live with myself.”

  “They are willing to die for change, and that is what you offer. We have over twenty years, and you are wanting answers today. It may not feel like a perfect plan, and perhaps it isn’t, but we have so much time to get there. You give them something we have been missing—you give them hope.”

  “Everything about this terrifies me. Everyone is putting their hopes and dreams, and even their lives, on the gamble that I can do this. All I want to do is go back to the State house and work in the gardens. I wish my life were simple again.”

  “That may very well be the best thing you could do when you are finished here. If they were to let you return to work there, but live independently, you could be in just the right position. You will fulfill your duties as a Councilmember—tell them you need to be in the common rooms to watch for signs of the rebellion. Being under Victor’s wing at the State house would keep you in the perfect position to gain information also.”

  “You think they would buy that? I think I need to stay with Lewis if I want to convince them that I am still on their side,” Freya responded.

  “No, you need to part ways with him. He will keep too close of a watch on you. When you finish the task before you successfully, that is all that you will need to prove your allegiance. You give them real names, and they all confess. Their confessions will align with what you tell them—that the rebellion is laying low; they want to wait and see what happens with the colony planet. If nothing improves, we will regroup, and so now we are simply trying to gain numbers of people sympathetic to our cause. You must convince the State that we are sitting in a moderate mindset, that we have hope of things improving. We simply gain numbers so that we may act if the colony is not what we hope for.”

  “Do you really believe that I could change both sides? That I could bring the world into a moderate State?”

  “I don’t know, but I do believe it is worth your efforts. You know I believe in the plan to take the colony world, but I also believe in you. If anyone could get us there, it is you. I think it’s worth fighting for.” Ursa kissed Freya’s forehead and closed her eyes. “I dream of a better world, and you are a part of it. I need some rest now. Will you stay?”

  “I don’t think I should. Lewis will be expecting more information from me if I do.”

  “That is a sad yet good point. I will invite you to come to the common room next week. That is when he will get his next piece of information. Now go, even though I want you to stay.” She kissed her forehead again.

  Freya gave her a tight squeeze and left the apartment. Lewis was waiting for her in the bedroom when he returned.

  “I got a letter from the State today,” Lewis said the moment she walked into the bedroom.

  “I know. Ursa told me,” Freya said. “She is hoping that you consent.”

  Lewis laughed. “Yes, Freya. As difficult as it will be for me to have to share you, I consent to your time being divided. That is what I told them already, and sounded both disappointed and sympathetic.”

  “Of course you did,” she answered with a touch of sarcasm.

  “Did she say anything today?”

  “Not of interest. She just talked about her appointment with the psychologist. She has to go back to the greenhouse soon. She is happy I still have access to her apartment and can see her regularly.”

  “It’s coming soon, Freya. We are so close I can taste it,” he replied.

  “I hope you’re right,” she said simply, and then started to get ready for bed. He didn’t press her further, much to her delight; he just accepted her wanting to sleep.

  ***

  The next morning was the last day Freya would go to the greenhouse without having Ursa there. It was also her night to spend with Lewis. She worked quickly thro
ugh the day, again trying to process the plan Ursa had laid out for her. There was nothing more that she wanted than to have a long, hard workout tonight. It was difficult for her to find her focus; too many thoughts swam around her mind. Although the monotonous nature of her work was normally soothing for her, it wasn’t enough to work through all the stress hormones coursing through her blood.

  When she got back to the apartment, she changed quickly and began to warm up while she waited for Lewis. There was just too much nervous energy pent up in her to stay still. Ursa’s new plan appealed, but she didn’t know whether she was capable of seeing it through. Could I really live with myself sending people to their deaths? Especially when I have a different plan? They were willing to die for the chance that she would be able to assist them in taking down the transport device after they all made it safely through. They weren’t ready to die so that she could find a more moderate path for society to follow. The worst part was, no one knew what the State had planned for after the colony world opened up. They could already have a more moderate plan in place.

  The trouble with this thought was that regardless of what the State was planning, if she was to stay in their favor, she did have to produce results. Would they be happy with my turning up and simply saying that they were going to lay low until they saw what was to happen with the colony world? Another issue struck her then. She didn’t know whether the State really believed that the rebellion was trying to take down the dome, or whether that was fabricated by the State to create fear. If the State did believe that, there was no way they would believe the rebellion was just backing off to wait and see. They most likely wouldn’t believe it. It was a lie, and unfortunately, Freya was not very good at lying.

  Lewis walked in and disrupted her thoughts. “You are warming up without me?” He smiled.

  “Yeah.” She came out of her plank pose. “I sure hope Ursa wants to start exercising. I am restless only exercising every other day.” It wasn’t the truth, and for a moment Freya was a little proud of herself for being quick-witted.

  “I bet. I guess we just have to train harder when you can go,” he replied.

  They headed off to the gym, and Freya was happy to be there because she had only been able to go every other day, so it was always running day. She appreciated the information that Lewis had shared about cross-training—it was probably a good idea—but she would rather be running. Running brought her to that place of mental silence in a way that riding a bike never could. Mental silence was exactly what she needed. If she thought too much about the rebellion, she knew it was only a matter of time before she made a mistake in front of Lewis.

  What if I said something in my sleep? If she cried out and Lewis heard her, she would be done. Or what if it was just my facial expressions he was watching? She could respond incorrectly to something he said about the rebellion or their mission—or worse yet, the State—and it could be game over. The greenhouse would have to be her time that she was safe to think, to process the information and come up with strategies. It would give her enough time to think in a safe environment, one away from Lewis. When they went to exercise in the evening, she would use that time to clear her mind, to make sure that none of her thoughts could betray her in her sleep. Freya felt momentary relief at having formed this plan, but she instantly saw the hole in it.

  Freya was to spend every other evening with Ursa, which left no break or time to silence her thoughts before sleeping next to Lewis. She was going to have to push to sleep at Ursa’s apartment; that was her only option. The risk of saying something in her sleep, or her emotions being too raw when she returned, was too high. It would be a simple enough request; she just had to plead that Ursa found it comforting to have her there, and it would give her more time to gain information from her.

  The alarm in both of their shirts started to beep, indicating it was time for their cooldown. The run had been amazing. Lewis never let her push too hard, but they were definitely running harder than the rest of the people on the track. She felt in control of her life again; she had a plan. The stress hormones that had been coursing through her blood were buried by the endorphins created.

  They moved onto strength training, and Lewis had held to his word. He worked Freya much harder than normal. They didn’t stop until they were both covered in sweat and her entire body trembled. Good, I should sleep like a baby now, just what I need.

  Chapter 17

  The next day was their day to spend together, cleaning their apartment and laundering their uniforms. Lewis let her slip up to Ursa’s apartment early, telling her he could finish up without her. She thanked him, but she knew his intentions were not as kind as they appeared. He was sending her back to work, hoping for her to uncover incriminating information.

  Ursa looked much better than the last time she had seen her. It was also her day to clean and do laundry, which she hadn’t finished. Freya went right to work. Ursa looked better, but she still didn’t have the stamina to perform simple household tasks.

  Freya thought back to the time when Colin left. She hadn’t been responsible for doing anything. She couldn’t even shower, let alone take care of her apartment. An even deeper level of respect came over her. Ursa was so much stronger than she was, yet it was Ursa who was willing to put her life in Freya’s hands, along with countless others.

  Ursa wasn’t keeping her apartment up well, but she was keeping it up. Her movements were slow and dispassionate, definitely a person weary with depression. Ursa tired easily and had to take breaks, which was no issue for Freya. She simply kept cleaning without her. Chastity had taken care of her around the clock, and she was all Ursa had. If cleaning her home was all she had to offer for support, she would do it unquestioningly.

  After they finished with the cleaning and laundering, Freya urged Ursa to go to the gym. She explained how it had helped her improve emotionally. Ursa had no interest, but she also didn’t have enough fight in her to refuse. Freya led her to the gym, and Ursa took her spot on a bike, but peddled slowly. It was at least something. It was a step. Freya stayed on the bike beside her, even though she peddled much harder and faster. Ursa did the minimum amount of time, and indicated to Freya that she was ready to leave. They headed straight for the bedroom and Ursa shut the door so they could talk, really talk. Unlike the polite small talk they had been conducting for the purpose of the cameras.

  Ursa curled up on the bed quietly and waited for Freya to lie down beside her. She didn’t speak for a while. It seemed as though Ursa was just happy to lie beside her.

  “It is so nice to have you here,” Ursa said, finally breaking the silence. “I am just going to enjoy every moment of it.”

  “Well, I am not going anywhere,” Freya replied. “We have the rest of the evening together.”

  Ursa held a far-off expression, as if her mind was not in the current moment. “I have arranged for you to meet someone in the common room next week,” Ursa said. “It will put everything into motion. I don’t know how much time we will have together after that.”

  Freya remained silent. She didn’t even want to think about the concept of what was going to happen.

  “Thank you for your help today. It is difficult for me to get through normal tasks right now. I think I would still be cleaning or at least trying to if you didn’t come.”

  “Not a problem,” Freya replied, grateful for the topic change. “I feel bad for you. I had people helping me when Colin left. I kind of can’t believe they didn’t send in someone to help you.” After she said it, she regretted it. It would do no good to again point out her higher level of treatment; it would just get Ursa started on a rampage about the State and their motives.

  Ursa obviously sensed Freya’s need for simplicity as she didn’t bring up anything political. Instead, she started to ask questions about Freya’s childhood. Perhaps Ursa also needed a topic change, or she really was just enjoying their limited time together.

  They lay in bed together and talked into the night. Ursa
compared her experiences in her youth to Freya’s. They talked about Colin, and what it was like for Ursa comparatively when she was coupled. There were no politics, no agenda: just two friends laughing, sharing, and at times a few tears. Freya shared things with Ursa she had never shared before; she had never felt the need. No one had ever sat with her for so long and just wanted to hear the insignificant details of her life. They fell asleep together, hand in hand, and slept peacefully until the alarm sounded in the morning.

  “So this is it.” Ursa sat up. “I have to go back to the greenhouse today,” she said somberly.

  “Come on, we can get ready together,” Freya said with a forced cheery voice. She didn’t convince Ursa, or even herself for that matter.

  “No, you go back to your apartment. I will meet you at the greenhouse,” Ursa said. “You are taller than I am. I don’t think my uniforms will fit you.” Ursa grabbed her and hugged her tightly and then turned to go shower.