My Soul To Keep

by Jackie Sonnenberg

  I continued down the hall. At first, I was just wandering aimlessly, wandering to get to know this house and what exactly was in it. I saw a room near the end of the hallway with the door left open just a tad. I knew this only because of the triangle the light made on the floor. As I walked closer I realized I needed to be quieter. There was someone in there whispering.

  I got up to the triangle, careful not to cast a shadow, and leaned my ear to the door opening.

  “Where are you?” someone whispered, very very softly. “Are you here?”

  I badly wanted to see, wanted to see if that voice was even attached to a body. I leaned in a little more.

  “If you are here, give me a sign. Are you here?”

  I poked my face in and saw a girl standing with her back turned in the middle of the room. Her short and very spiky hair cast a freaky profile. I almost thought they were horns.

  “Are you here?”

  I didn’t mean to, but I answered her question. My shadow moved on the floor and a slight movement on the door made it squeak louder than my thumping heart. The girl jumped a mile in the air as I put my hands up in defense.

  “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” I stammered. “I didn’t mean to scare you or…interrupt.”

  The girl turned to me, her face and mouth still in a wide oval. She let out a sigh and then sat down on the bed that was in the room. I came in all the way this time, realizing that this room was not hers. In fact, I could tell this room was very much unoccupied. There was nothing in there except for the bed and a dresser, and the bed itself had blankets on it that looked like they never were made up. The bed creaked as she sat down, rubbing her temples.

  “Again, really sorry.”

  “No, no,” the girl looked up at me and smiled a little. “It’s okay. I shouldn’t be in here anyway. Is this your room?”

  “No,” I said confused. “I thought it was yours?”

  “No,” she said again shaking her head. “I don’t think anyone lives in here. I just wanted to come in because…well…”

  The girl started playing with the drawstrings on her sweatshirt, which was as thin as she was.

  “I thought there was a ghost.”

  I looked around the room.

  “Really? Did you hear or see something?” I asked.

  “Yeah, I thought so,” the girl said seriously. “I thought I heard voices around here. But it was only for a second. You’re Sky, right? Are you in 7th?”

  “Yep to both,” I said.

  “I’m Becky. And I am both, too. I actually just joined GOL like a week ago. So…you’ve felt some of the paranormal things around here huh?”

  I took this as my invitation to come into the room completely and sit on the bed.

  “Yeah,” I said enthusiastically. “I did. I’ve heard voices, and generally felt things lingering around, especially on Halloween.”

  “So did I!” Becky interrupted. “I thought those were just students, but they didn’t seem to be at all. The only time I see or hear anything it is associated with this place and this group. It is definitely haunted.”

  “Yeah, it is,” I answered. “But I don’t think it’s in a spooky and threatening way, you know? Kimberly told me the spirits that are in this place watch over it. And watch over us. Like they believe in the same things we do, or they want us to believe in the same things they do.”

  Becky looked up at all four corners of the ceiling. “I don’t know about this,” she said.

  “I don’t think it’s anything to be afraid of,” I assured her. “If you think about it, it’s kind of cool. You know, my dad’s a ghost. He’s around here too.”

  “Oh, that’s cool. I just… I don’t know. It is a little freaky. I thought maybe there was a spirit around here a while ago. I thought maybe I could see it or something. But I didn’t see or hear anything else.”

  “I saw some walking around that disappeared, and then the other day I thought I saw something walking along by the trees. It could have been a trick of the light or just the shadows from the leaves or something. I couldn’t tell ya.”

  “That is pretty cool,” Becky said. “But if only we could find out more about them. Why are they here? Doesn’t that mean spirits have unfinished business if they are here? Something that makes them stick around?”

  I shrugged. “Sometimes. I guess so. I don’t really know.”

  “I don’t know either. But I want to know.”

  “Me too,” I replied.

  Becky pulled her sleeve back and cursed at her watch.

  “I should go, I have math tutoring.”

  She got up and smiled at me.

  “It was cool to meet you though. I’ve had a hard time finding people to talk to. I don’t know everyone here that well enough yet. Being away at school like this is a big deal for me.”

  “It’s nice to meet you, too. My friend Damien is here too, I’ll introduce you when we get a chance. We’ve been coming back here a lot.”

  “Cool. See you later, Sky.”

  “Bye, Becky!”

  Becky turned the corner and left the room, and I replayed our conversation back in my head. I was surrounded by believers, and that could only mean one thing: I was getting closer to the truth, and closer to something that was bigger than me and the world I lived in.

  It was my turn to look around the room, and up at the four corners of the ceiling.

  Are you here? I asked in my head.

  ***

  The latest email from GOL stated that we would have another potluck dinner that night, as it was supposed to be another informational meeting for new members. From what I could tell we only had a few more, and lately Mitchell had been pushing us for more. I was reading responses as to what people were going to bring, and trying to think of what I could bring from my collection of Ramen and Easy Mac when Deanna came home.

  “Hi, I’m starving. Want to grab some food or what?”

  “I can’t,” I replied. “Dinner at The Manor. Hey!” I brightened up. “It’s like another informational meeting, and anybody can go! Want to come? It’s free food!”

  Deanna made a face. “Mmmm, no thanks.”

  “Oh come on. You might actually like it if you give it a chance! You’ll meet some of my friends.”

  “It’s okay Sky, really.”

  “I mean all it is is an inspirational group. That’s all we do is inspire people and promote good values and spread a good message.”

  “No, I don’t doubt that.”

  “Yeah it is really good and you should come. After all, you keep trying to get me to go to places with you, so why not go somewhere with me? You know, it could do good for you.”

  Deanna seemed to twitch a little. “What do you mean?”

  “It’s a good thing to have. To be involved in a group that promotes morals.”

  She gave a little shake. “Sky, I don’t know what that means.”

  I paused, trying to read her. “Huh?”

  “What are you saying?”

  “What am I saying what?”

  “That I need morals, and it could do good for me.” Her voice started to sound higher. “Like, you think I need it?”

  “No,” I said right away. “I didn’t say that.”

  She sighed. “No, but you implied it.”

  “I did not.”

  “Look, Sky, I get it. I’m not squeaky clean and I like to have fun. There’s nothing wrong with that. Having fun doesn’t mean I’m a bad person.”

  “I didn’t say that! All I said was it’s a good group and anyone could benefit from it. Seriously.”

  “Well, whatever,” she mumbled. “I don’t need a Jesus-loving cult to make me a good person.”

  “It’s not a Jesus-loving cult!” I practically shouted. “See? You don’t even know what it’s about and you’re judging.”

  “I’m not judging, I’m going by what I see and what I hear.”

  “Well, don’t listen to anything you hear! You see? That’s judgment. That�
��s ignorance. You don’t even know us. And people who say things don’t know us either.”

  “They just say you’re all so weird and creepy.”

  “Judgment!” I exclaimed again.

  “Just...whatever, Skyler. You can have fun with your group and whatever it is you do.” She stood up and took her shower tote and some clothes. “I’m going to get in the shower and then go get some dinner with people.”

  ***

  I was out of there before Deanna came back, fuming mad and disgusted with the rest of the world. I let my thoughts gather on my way to the wooded area and tried to form them into one collective thought: I just thought differently than most others did. I had to keep telling myself that this was okay and that I was not wrong. Of course I was not wrong.

  I was ridiculously early for our next shin-dig, but welcomed the down time to do nothing for a while. I made myself some hot chocolate and just sat at the kitchen counter to…wait.

  As I blew across the chocolate froth threatening to ooze over the rim of my cup, I heard footsteps on the floor above me. They made their way down the stairs and to the kitchen area. I noticed that it was Seth, but even more so I noticed that his footsteps, and mannerisms in general, were with caution.

  “Seth?”

  Seth stood by the kitchen, turning his head and blinking. He rubbed his eyes and looked in my general direction…just not directly at me. My stomach flipped.

  “Hi.”

  “Seth…you okay?”

  Seth’s hand found the chair.

  “I’m…going through a change.”

  Seth pulled the chair out and sat in it carefully, his face still unfocused and not making eye contact.

  “I knew it was going to happen. I had a dream of something or someone telling me that I was going to look inward from now on, and then a couple days after that I was starting to lose my eyesight. I went to the doctor a couple of times and they told me it was true. Little by little I have been going blind.”

  “God, that’s awful!” I said.

  He nodded. “I think someone from the other side was trying to tell me that so I could prepare for it. Ever since then I have accepted it, and have learned to look inward. I have to be strong.”

  “That is intense…like it was a warning. Is that why you were wearing a blindfold on Halloween? Did you know who it was?”

  “Yes and…no,” he answered. “I couldn’t see them. It might have been The White Light itself. That is what Mitchell believes, and that is why he hasn’t left my side since. He’s treating me like some sort of holy icon now that needs to be taken care of.”

  Seth rubbed his eyes, not quite the same color as his hair anymore, now having almost no color at all.

  I could not make out too many new members at our informational meeting. The ones that were there only looked curious and skeptical and not really all that interested. As a member now, I felt it was my duty to represent the group. At one point I felt like we were all crowding the guests. They stood around awkwardly by the refreshments table in the upper lounge and kitchen area. For us it was just another social gathering, but we did not feel like we reached any new people that evening.

  Once the informational part was over and the perspective students left, Mitchell asked the rest of us to gather in the lower lounge.

  “Everyone,” Mitchell announced. “The White Light appeared to me in my dream.”

  The whole lower lounge was quiet and paying close, undivided attention. I could tell the older members especially did not even blink. I saw Iris put her hand over her mouth but did not move.

  “It told me my message is strong and all my Guardians of Light shine true, but our numbers are too small. We did not reach as many people tonight as we would have liked. Tonight, it is crucial to us all to think about other people you know on this campus who need the Light. Concentrate on them, see them…and allow your Lights to travel.”

  Mitchell motioned toward Iris, who picked up a goblet at her feet and brought it to him. He blew over it, causing smoke to pour out of the sides as he placed it on the table. I am not sure what the smell was once it went up my nose. Citronella? He led us in a chant as we closed our eyes and got comfortable.

  “We are Lights, we are Lights, we are Lights…”

  I breathed in that something-scented smoke as it covered my face, traveled up my nostrils and down my wind pipe. It would have covered my eyes if I opened them. Instead of suffocating the smoke actually felt cleansing, like it was opening up my pores and I was able to breathe out of all of them. My eyes stayed closed as we focused on our breathing exercises, but I felt the room we were in was much, much bigger.

  As far as I was concerned, I was no longer in the room. Instead, I felt as though I were floating high above the sky at rapid speed. I could no longer see or hear, except for glimpses of brightness here and there in flashes. I couldn’t really feel anything at all in my deep trance.

  I suddenly saw my dorm. I was walking along the hallway on my floor, seeing everything from the pimples on the concrete walls to the notes on everyone’s door dry-erase boards. One door was slightly ajar, and it was the exact door I would want to visit. I heard music playing softly: I actually heard it. Or, was I imagining it that strongly? Why was I meditating on this so strongly? Then, I realized it when I saw Kristen lying down on her bed about to go to sleep that she had been on my mind. Well, not just her, but basically everyone in my dorm. This was where my meditating was taking me. I go to The Manor to meditate to get away from it, and here was exactly where it took me back. The minute I “saw” Kristen in my vision I got annoyed. I wanted to go somewhere else, I wanted to meditate on something more pleasant, but she moved a bit and saw me.

  I moved in closer. For some reason, I wanted to approach her. I suddenly felt it in me that I could change her; I could warp her mind into exactly what I wanted to. I concentrated on it and moved closer to her bed, and yet she still just stared out in the dark, not moving. What could this mean? It was my own vision and I didn’t understand it.

  “What…what are you doing?” Kristen finally stammered. “Get out! Get out!”

  I stopped, and then I was out of the room. What was that? What was it supposed to mean? Of course, it meant that I couldn’t change people.

  The meditation session ended and I shook out of it, sighing and regaining the feeling back in my legs.

  ***

  Well, the next few meditation sessions were much more pleasant. In many, I found myself in this serene jungle. There were so many different colored plants of so many shapes and sizes; I couldn’t even tell what they were. Even so, I felt like it was more like a garden than a jungle. Jungles are deep, dark and dangerous; gardens are welcoming, beautiful, and peaceful.

  I found myself walking along a copper pathway, my very own yellow brick road of sorts. Only, they were not bricks at all but tiny droplets. I had to look closer to see what they were, and to my surprise, I found that they were hundreds of pennies all glued down on the ground. Instead of chucked into a fountain, they were spread on the path for all to wish on at once: Hundreds—thousands of little Abraham Lincoln heads. I ran through them, letting all the leaves of the plants brush my hair and face. They were long, short, fat, thin, smooth and prickly, and I felt them all at once. I felt them, and saw the colors, and smelled the flowers, and even heard the fountain. I knew where it was. I walked down the path and felt the air get cooler. The fountain was just a tiny trickle down a trough, but it got the message across the same. It was a meditation, it was only a meditation, but I sat down on the fountain and felt the loose droplets sprinkle my back. I sighed in my meditation, such a strong one. Lately, those have been the most vivid and have helped me escape from the stress of school.

  I found myself making frequent mental trips to this garden, this jungle, whatever it was, as part of a routine. Afterwards I awoke, taking a minute to blink out all the green and take in the brown of the lower lounge to get back to reality. I reached to feel the back of my neck and p
art of my back, feeling the dampness seeping through my clothes.

  Chapter 13

  In science class I found out that we were going on a field trip. This gave me one reason to look forward to class the next day… to an extent. Katie was in this class, but I would do my best in avoiding the awkwardness of her ignoring me and only acknowledging me by raised eyebrows. The last time I tried to post GOL flyers on our dorm floor bulletin board, I got only one raised eyebrow, and then the giggling with her little squeaky friends after I left. Other than that, I was pretty much left alone.

  My class got one of those tour buses and went to some conservatory about thirty minutes away. The minute the bus rolled over the rocky pavement my teacher, Mr. Egle, immediately received a phone call.

  “What?” A rather monotone man, Mr. Egle’s bald head shone brighter than his personality, but even here I could make out traces of hesitation and discomfort in his voice. He sat a few seats ahead of me and I could see his brow was crossed.

  “What do you mean? We’re already almost there. This is absolutely ridiculous!”

  Around me, my classmates and I eyed each other.

  “Is it cancelled?” some girl asked.

  “I hope not,” I answered. “I don’t feel like having a lecture today.”

  Mr. Egle put his hand up as though the person on the other end could see it. “Let me assure you, the students won’t go for that stuff and frankly I don’t either. You might as well forget that because we just pulled in. Yes, we’re outside right now. Yes, I’m sure! Really, with all this superstitious mumbo-jumbo…”

  Mr. Egle hung up, continuing to mumble to himself.