My Soul To Keep

by Jackie Sonnenberg

  “Yes. There are an awful lot more of prejudices and social judgments on women than men. But you at least know that you do not need fake beauty in order for someone to love you, right? Excellent point, Sky.”

  I felt my face redden a bit, but I did not look at Damien. I could not look at Damien. I don’t need fake love either, I thought.

  “The fact that you are all in uniforms is a fantastic step in this direction. You are blended together and part of a whole, yet still free beings. The White Light would like to receive us all as free to be who we want and free to appreciate one another without labels or physical attributes that were just chosen for us. In the next couple of weeks I want you to look past the physical stuff. Look inside yourselves, and try to see inside others. Look past the Guardians, and instead focus on the Lights inside them. Learn just how powerful you can be.”

  The next day I woke up, not having been sleeping well again. That went without saying. I half-dragged myself to the bathroom not expecting anything at all. When I walked in and looked at the activity in the bathroom mirror I stopped at the door, unsure if I should go in or not or stay behind and eavesdrop. I didn’t need to as the four girls standing before the sinks, all with scissors in hand, looked back at me via reflection. Kimberly took another part of her hair and cut it off, right at the base of the ear, as though she were trimming hedges. She turned to the girl next to her and asked her to do her back.

  I walked in to see the rest of them all doing the same, the girl near the end already sporting a pixie do. The scissors kept snipping and I watched as the hairs gracefully fluttered down at their feet. The floor confetti consisted of various shades of blondes and browns and blacks.

  “What do you think?” Kimberly asked me, the corners of her mouth turning up into what could be a smile, but didn’t look like one.

  I didn’t know what to think.

  “Do you want to join us?” she asked.

  I walked in closer and looked at all of them and then looked at myself in the mirror, imagining my own hair joining the mingle on the floor.

  “I mean, you don’t really have to,” she continued. “We’re doing this because we want to. Casting off our labels and becoming neutral. It would make The White Light proud. It would make Mitchell proud.”

  The girls next to her ran their fingers through their new short haircuts, various pieces and spikes sticking up at new angles. Their faces were beaming, and it was nothing to do with a beauty salon.

  “Let me ask you something, Sky,” Kimberly said now facing me. “Do you believe in androgynous beauty? Do you believe you’ll have the same form where we’re going?”

  “Yeah, I believe,” I answered. “And I believe that someday we will just all look the same.”

  I looked in the mirror at myself, at my shabby form that just rolled out of bed. How wonderful to think that someday no one will have to worry so much about what they looked like…or what others thought of them. How wonderful it would be to just be one form of beautiful forever. I took the scissors and felt my hair down. Then, I got to work.

  I was really hungry by the time I got downstairs. Hungry for food since I spent most of the morning in the bathroom prepping myself, but also hungry for the right kind of attention I was going to get from my new look. I felt eyes on me as I made my way into the kitchen. People looked, but they did not say anything. I held my head up high. Look at me now, I thought. Look how I am a believer.

  The next time I saw Damien, he did a double-take at me. His mouth popped open a little bit but no sound came out. I did not look at him as I sat at the kitchen table and pretending to be intensely focused on my own homework. When Iris came into the room, I had to look up, because I almost did not recognize her. Her long black hair was gone, and in its place was a swirly black bowl around her face. I stared at her as she made her way across the room. She and I made eye contact for a second. She acknowledged me, taking me in, and then moved on, sitting next to Damien and then preceded to rub his back.

  Word had spread fast. Well, I almost can’t say if that much word was said at all. The students kept quiet for a while but it seemed like I was starting to see more and more people with their hair cut off. It was not just the girls. The guys were starting to show as well, some almost to the point of a buzz cut. Someone even gave Seth a hand and every once in a while, I caught him touching his head lovingly. I don’t know how this happened or who actually started it, but now, everyone had fallen in line. Everyone had done the same thing. I couldn’t look at Damien for long, whose own buzz cut and forlorn look made him look like an Army recruit drafted into war. Iris couldn’t keep her filthy hands off of him. I imagined her holding him down and coming at him with the electric razor. It disgusted me. His smiling at her while she did it disgusted me even more.

  At our next gathering after dinner I anxiously awaited Mitchell’s reaction and response to the group’s makeover. We sat before him, breathing in incense while Ad Astra sat on the stairs, her tail twitching almost in tune to the ticking clock.

  “My children…you are all…one. You are the strongest people in the world to set the example.”

  Chapter 35

  My meal was interrupted by an unexpected guest. Usually Ad Astra would weave in between my legs and scare the crap out of me, or meow at me for a piece of whatever I was eating, but this guest was not so pleasant. The first thing I noticed about her was her eyes. They used to be bright green, at least I thought they were, but now they looked almost green-hazel. They couldn’t have changed, but then again, I wasn’t the one who stared into them often.

  “Hi Sky,” she said, her words dripping with poison.

  “Um hi,” I replied, not really sure what else to say. Iris rounded the table until she came to sit right across from me, right where we both could see each other. I had no idea where this was going but suddenly I began to itch. I prayed anyone, anyone, would come into the kitchen.

  “You know, Damien is worried about you.”

  I crunched that last mouthful of cereal and swallowed it right then and there. It scratched my throat all the way down but I didn’t care. I didn’t even sip my tea, because I knew I wasn’t going to be drinking much of it.

  “What do you mean?” I asked coldly.

  “Well,” Iris finger-combed her hair and folded her hands on the table, all prim and proper. “He has been telling me things about you, from time to time. I know you’re good friends, so that is why he tells me. You question The White Light, don’t you?”

  I didn’t like the way she asked that. I didn’t like the way her eyes looked. I was certain now they looked different. I had to compose myself.

  “Why would I question a higher spiritual being?”

  “Damien told me you might not believe in it. He said you were always looking for answers….and you wanted to get away. You almost ran away to find them. Looking for answers is admirable, and I heard about you two consulting spirits through a Ouija board, which is beautiful, but you still don’t truly believe in it, do you?”

  I half-sat up, words spewing out of my mouth before I could think about them.

  “No, no, that’s not true! Why would Damien say that? We were both full of wonder, he and I, and we wanted to seek answers. We both believe in The White Light and we both put our fate in its care. I am a believer. Why would he say that?”

  Iris shrugged innocently. I was angry enough to throw my cereal bowl at her but I held back. I held back because I knew that the consequences for even thinking of doing that would be dire.

  “It’s crucial time right now,” she continued. “We are on a tight schedule for time left on Earth. Just trying to…make sure we’re all on the same level. That’s all. See you later.”

  And just like that, she gave me a casual smile and took off. I was left with soggy cereal and still staring at her empty chair for a while.

  When I decided it was a good time, I took off and went upstairs. He was probably in his room doing his homework. If Iris was off doing something e
lse, trying to manipulate someone else on her free time, I could get him alone. I knocked, trying not to pound too hard.

  “Yeah,” he said.

  I opened his door and took a deep breath. Damien sat at his desk and looked surprised to see me. I couldn’t tell if it was a good surprise or bad surprise, but I didn’t wait long enough to wonder.

  “Why are you telling Iris that I don’t believe in anything?” I demanded.

  He sat up in his chair and dropped a pencil. “What? I didn’t—

  “Spare me. She just had a little talk with me about how you told her all this stuff about us seeking answers and that you told her that I was the one who questioned everything and was going to run away or something-

  “Oh calm down, Sky.”

  “What the hell is your problem?” I snapped. “First you’re her bitch and now you spread rumors? Why would you say all that stuff?”

  “Jesus, Sky.”

  “Answer me.”

  “Well, if you have to know, it’s because she knows more. She has the right idea about things and you sort of…don’t. She told me it’s dangerous to lose faith and I shouldn’t be spending time with people who are unfocused.”

  “What did you just say? Just what is that supposed to mean?”

  “I don’t want to be left behind…” he trailed off.

  I threw my hands up in the air.

  “You should hear yourself talk right now! You are unbelievable.”

  “It’s almost Judgment Day,” he said. “And I would watch myself if I were you. Our actions are all on display.”

  “Oh, I wish all of your actions were on display.”

  I stormed out of his room and shut his door, almost slamming it, but not wanting the whole house to hear it.

  ***

  We saw each other at dinner, around the house, in between classes, and at gatherings, but we didn’t speak. In fact, we didn’t even make eye contact. Every time I’d pass him I’d just ignore him. I lost track of the days at times and just tried to stay focused. He didn’t say anything to me, and I didn’t say anything to him. This was fine with me. At our gatherings, Mitchell explained to us what made us human. It made us human to feel and our actions justified our feelings and our actions were the result of our feelings sometimes. They were like a knee-jerk reaction. I would listen wholeheartedly during these sessions. Human feelings sometimes made us do and say things. It wasn’t always us, it was just our human feelings. This made a part of me very happy. Mitchell told us that in our Next Life we would not have to worry about that anymore. Our spirits, the living energies we had within us, would be in charge. No one would be controlled by human emotions anymore. We would be free of that as higher beings. I sat up straight. The level above Human was sounding better and better every day.

  And so, we treated ourselves as higher than human more and more. Or tried to. It was hard to push personal feelings aside. I felt anger every time I saw Damien and Iris. Judgment Day, huh? Well, let him see. Let him see who gets judged and who does not.

  ***

  I had a short meditation session in my room after lunch one day. I urged my spirit to travel, hoping that I could make some connections along the way. I was hoping to make any sort of connection at this point. My body fell asleep quickly, the weight of my breath leaving it lifelessly behind as I concentrated. It was cool where I soared, although I couldn’t see where. In my mind I searched and searched. Where are you? I called out. I flew around clouds which morphed into a foggy meadow, missing any sort of sunlight.

  I was not alone for long. A figure floated by me but did not come too close. Or, it could not come too close. It lingered, camouflaging into the mist at a distance. I focused on it, trying to form an outline of the figure and see if it had a face. The more we moved, the more I saw that this figure was very much on the outside of a group of clouds and could not get in. This made my spirit sink a little as I figured out who it was.

  I didn’t see him anymore, and I didn’t hear him anymore, but I knew he still hung around. I knew that we could see be connected. Still, I struggled with the fact that his place was not in The Manor. I struggled that I didn’t even know his place at all. The more he moved around the clouds the more I saw that he was patrolling them, like he was standing guard and protecting what was inside…which was me. I longed to know what he knew and saw outside those clouds. I only hoped that someday I would.

  My eyes snapped open at the knocking on my door. I sat up a little on my bed and moved my asleep, tingling legs.

  “Yeah, come on in.”

  Kimberly opened the door with a concerned look on her face.

  “I’m happy you’re here, Sky. I just wanted to see if you were okay.”

  She came in and sat on my bed, all motherly.

  “I’m fine,” I said right away.

  She shook her head like she didn’t believe me.

  “Look, I know that you and Damien have been having problems. Is everything all right?”

  I sighed and rubbed my legs.

  “We had a fight. He just—I don’t know. It’s complicated.”

  “There is a lot of tension going on between you two, people have seen it. I can sense it’s awkward and hard for you, but you show that you are struggling. You have so much anger.”

  I didn’t know what to say to that, but I couldn’t make eye contact with Kimberly for long. I didn’t have to say anything because the next thing that came out of her mouth made me feel worse.

  “The thing is, Mitchell noticed it too. He wants to see you in his office.”

  ***

  My legs tingled more than when they were folded up pretzel-style. I suddenly had a current of different thoughts that ran through my head as soon as Kimberly said our teacher’s name. Mitchell noticed it too. He wants to see you in his office. What did Mitchell notice, exactly? Damien and I weren’t speaking. So what? What exactly did Mitchell know? What in the world did he want to talk to me about?

  I tried to play it casual as I left my room and went downstairs. No matter who you are or what it is about, no one likes confrontations. The very words “we need to talk” are usually enough to put anyone on the edge. This was more than that. I would be going to Mitchell’s office, this time because I was supposed to, and no one really knew what happened beyond those doors. So I thundered down the stairs.

  I almost felt like all the others were staring at me, but they were not. They were minding their own business. I was happy to see Damien was nowhere in sight. I did not want to see him. I walked down that hallway and pretended like I was going to use the bathroom. I got to Mitchell’s office, my dumb nervous heart so loud I could hear it. I knocked, but my heart knocked louder.

  “Come on in.”

  I opened that door, and the minute I did, I realized I had to act as though it was my first time seeing Mitchell’s office. I stepped in hesitantly and awkwardly, noticing he sat seated business-like at his desk. He wasn’t doing anything. He had his fingers laced together on top of a pile of papers.

  “Hello Sky, my Light, my child. Come on in and shut the door, please.”

  I did as he asked, only having a millisecond to compose myself before I approached the desk and faced him. Mitchell’s gaze stayed only on me, his eyes a lost hazel with a hint of gold, no doubt matching the picture that sat directly across from him.

  “Have a seat, Sky. You are looking good.”

  I gave a weak smile as I touched my hair. So, he did notice.

  “Thanks Mitchell. Kimberly said that you wanted to see me?”

  “Yes, I did. I am a little worried about you. You seem to be having a bit of a rough patch with Damien, aren’t you?”

  I shrugged a bit. “Yeah, a little. It’s complicated and personal.”

  He titled his head a bit so that he was now looking at me over his glasses.

  “You both were arguing quite a bit. Some sources told me that Damien was in fact trying to save you.”

  “Save me?” I practically exclaimed. />
  “Yes,” Mitchell continued. “That you were talking about leaving and he was trying to stop you.”

  “That’s not—

  “Sky, you know this is a crucial time for us. Be a good girl now and tell me why you would want to leave, and where you think you would go.”

  “I did not try to leave,” I stated. “That’s not what it was about. Damien and I were just disagreeing on other things. Personal things. About his relationships and his life and such. They have nothing to do with Guardians of Light or The White Light or anything like that.”

  “That’s not what I heard,” he said slowly shaking his head. “I’ve heard you questioned things. I heard you wanted to go tell the school we were doing something wrong.”

  “What?!”

  “Why do you think something is wrong, Sky? Have you looked around you? Do you see anything wrong?”

  “No, no! I don’t see anything wrong. I wasn’t going to tell anybody anything. Tell them what, anyway? They wouldn’t understand anything. They wouldn’t understand us. That was not what that was about. I questioned things, but I have found my faith. I have faith. I believe in and am dedicated to The White Light.”

  Although my brain was spinning and my heart was racing I did not spew out that paragraph. I made sure to express myself delicately and confidently. I had no choice. Mitchell’s gaze on me was stone hard and—well—digging. He was digging past the surface to see what was underneath, and it was scaring every part of me. Something was going on and I needed to take control of it and fast.

  “Now’s the time to be true,” he continued. “Now’s the time to be true to yourself. The White Light will know who is true and who is not. Do you understand?”

  “Absolutely. I do believe. I am true.”

  Mitchell smiled. “Good. Good, my Light. Be careful what you say and do, we are all under inspection. Go on now, my child. Just remember that they see everything.”