Coming Home to Glendale Hall

by Victoria Walters

  ‘So, just you and me then, love,’ I said to Izzy, forcing on an upbeat smile for her. We headed outside together. The snow had all melted, but the air was still bitingly cold and whipped around us as we hurried into the car.

  * * *

  The Christmas fair was in the neighbouring town of Glenmarshes in their church hall. Izzy turned up the radio so we could sing along as we drove there down winding lanes, the sky thick with grey clouds above us, looking out at the sloping hills marking our way. It was certainly a scenic route compared to the city driving we had done together in the past. I liked seeing the smile on her face as she took it all in.

  My phone rung then and I answered it on speakerphone, hoping it was one of my parents calling to apologise, but it was Heather.

  ‘What are you doing today? I’m at home feeling really sorry for myself,’ she said when I answered.

  ‘We’re on our way to the Glenmarshes Christmas fair; why don’t you meet us there for lunch?’ Heather said she’d love to come so we arranged to meet there at twelve. I felt really bad that her job was about to go. I knew that Dad was right in a way – I wasn’t going to be here for much longer – but I couldn’t help the feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that what was happening to Glendale village just wasn’t right. I also just couldn’t understand why my parents weren’t as outraged as I was. I was still sure there was something I was missing. And after hearing them argue, I was even more convinced of the fact.

  But what was it?

  When we reached the church, there were plenty of people heading inside. We followed the signs and parked on the field behind, which was already filling up with cars. Climbing out, we headed into the large hall to the side of the church, which was lined with stalls selling all kinds of arts and crafts. There was also a food area with the smell of chestnuts and mulled wine inciting you in and draped around it all were twinkling lights.

  I was determined to get my Christmas spirit back. For Izzy, and for myself. ‘I think we should spend some money that we don’t have,’ I told her as we walked towards the stalls, holding up my hand. She laughed and high-fived me. Izzy’s eyes lit up everywhere we went, and I found some of my earlier stress starting to melt away as we examined all that was on offer. Izzy fell in love with a Christmas bear on one stall, so I bought it for her, and she clutched it to her chest for the rest of the day. I got myself a delicious-smelling candle to light later, and we bought a bagful of chocolate and fudge from another stall after we took too many samples than was probably polite.

  I knew I needed to get the family something for Christmas, even if right now I didn’t really want to, and when we spotted a homemade smellies stall, I picked up some bubble bath and hand cream for Gran, Mum and Sally. Then we found gloves for Dad and John before it was time to meet Heather. We walked towards the food area and spotted her there, waving madly at us. She gave us both a big hug and we got hot drinks and sandwiches and found a free table to sit down at. Izzy showed her what we had found so far.

  ‘That all looks brilliant. I hope I can get something for my dad: I’m so behind on my shopping this year,’ Heather said. She sniffed my candle. ‘Oh wow, I need one of these! This was such a good idea, thanks for inviting me. I really wasn’t looking forward to a day wallowing.’

  ‘Have you heard anything more?’

  ‘My manager said that they will be giving us our notice soon and we should see if there is anything available at another library, but the nearest one is in Inverness now.’ She poked at her sandwich miserably. ‘It looks like it’s all over.’

  I shook my head, it all seemed like such a waste to me. ‘And you don’t think anyone could come up with something? To make the council have a rethink?’

  ‘They seem to think Glendale high street is finished.’

  ‘But there used to be such a wonderful community in Glendale! There must be something that would bring everyone together and show the council that we need the high street? That the village is worth saving?’

  ‘Like what though?’ Heather asked.

  ‘Something Christmassy. Everyone likes that,’ Izzy suggested.

  I looked at her and beamed. ‘That’s a great idea, Iz. If we could show them that the village wants to fight to save itself then they’d have to change their plans, surely?’

  Heather seemed to perk up a bit. ‘I guess they would. But how do we get everyone together? What could we do?’

  I sighed, willing a great idea to come to me. ‘If only my parents weren’t so disinterested, I’m sure they could rally people. They know everyone.’

  ‘I’m not sure if I should tell you this…’ she trailed off, anxiously.

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘I was googling the development company who is trying to buy up the shops and…’ Heather looked awkward suddenly. She glanced at Izzy who was playing with her teddy. Heather leaned closer to me. ‘Your father’s name was on the list of directors.’

  Chapter Thirteen

  I stared at Heather as her words sank in. ‘Are you serious?’ Suddenly, it all clicked into place. Why my parents didn’t seem to care about the village being sold off – they stood to benefit from it for God’s sake! I dropped my sandwich. ‘This is why they’ve been so weird with me. I knew they were keeping something from me. They really didn’t want me to care about what was happening. It’s because it’s all down to them!’

  ‘I’m sorry, Beth,’ Heather said quickly. ‘I didn’t mean to upset you.’

  ‘No, I’m glad you told me,’ I said. ‘This explains so much. I’ll talk to my dad and find out why he’s doing this. They’ve always loved Glendale – why now are they trying to ruin it?’

  Heather shrugged. ‘I guess it’s all down to money. The village hasn’t been doing well for a long time.’

  ‘Then we should be trying to fix it, not destroy it. Ugh.’ I couldn’t finish my lunch. I pushed my tray away and stood up. ‘Will you guys be okay while I pop to the loo?’ They both nodded so I weaved my way to the toilets, my head spinning. Well, now I knew what my parents were lying about. Why couldn’t my family ever be honest with one another? I tried to ignore the little voice in my head telling me I had grown up to be just like them.

  After I went to the loo, I came out and almost collided with a man. I stepped back as he let out a little gasp. I looked up and my heart did a little skip. ‘Drew,’ I said.

  Drew looked as shocked to see me there as he had in the pub. ‘Beth! What are you doing here?’

  ‘Christmas shopping,’ I said lamely. My eyes moved to where Heather and Izzy were but they had their backs to us, thankfully, and couldn’t see us. I wanted to flee but I stood my ground. I wasn’t going to let him off by running away as I had the other night.

  ‘Oh, right. Yeah, me too,’ he replied, running a hand through his hair, which I knew from the past he did when he was nervous. ‘Well, it was, uh, good to see you again,’ he said quickly, turning to go.

  ‘You’re really not going to ask about her?’ I blurted out. I couldn’t stop the anger, and hurt this time. I had to know why he wouldn’t even acknowledge our daughter, sat just behind us.

  ‘Ask about who?’ he asked, stopping with a sigh. ‘Look, Beth, we don’t know anything about each other’s lives any more and just because we’re both back in Glendale doesn’t change that fact.’

  ‘And whose fault is it that we don’t know about each other’s lives?!’ I cried, causing a few people to look at us curiously.

  Drew’s face hardened. ‘Certainly not mine.’ He stalked off then, his long legs striding briskly as he walked through the shoppers. I looked after him, stunned, but I wasn’t going to let him get away with that.

  Tearing after him, I caught up and grabbed his arm, forcing him to stop and look at me. ‘How can you say that to me? After you ignored my letter?’

  ‘What are you talking about?’ he cried, shaking my hand off. ‘What letter? I haven’t heard from you in ten years!’

  I opened my mouth to continue my
rant but then his words registered. I stared at him. He was looking serious and a little hurt too. ‘But…’

  Drew sighed. ‘I get it, okay? We were young, and you obviously didn’t feel the same way about me as I felt about you. It hurt when you didn’t come to the airport to say goodbye. Really hurt. But I had to accept it, and I went off and I lived my life. Like you have lived yours. Shouldn’t we just leave it at that?’ He looked away then, but not before I saw the pain in his eyes.

  ‘Drew,’ I said, more softly. I touched his arm. ‘I’m so sorry that I didn’t come to the airport. But I wrote to you. A letter. It was a year later… To explain. To tell you why.’

  His eyes met mine and he frowned. ‘What letter?’

  ‘I sent it to you at university. I tried to explain everything. I thought that when you didn’t reply… I thought you didn’t want anything more to do with me. With us.’

  He shook his head, confused. ‘Us? What do you mean?’

  ‘I…’ I opened my mouth and then shut it. ‘You mean you really didn’t read my letter?’

  ‘I didn’t get any letter, Beth. I promise.’

  My hand dropped from his arm. We looked at one another as people walked around us, Christmas music playing in the background, but all I could see were Drew’s blue eyes staring back at me. If he didn’t get that letter then he knew nothing about Izzy. Izzy! My hand went to my mouth. I couldn’t let her see him. Not when he seemed to know nothing about her. I had to try to explain. To them both. But how?

  Everything around us came back into focus then. I couldn’t do this here. ‘Drew, I need to tell you what was in that letter. But not here, not now. Can I come and see you at the farm? Please?’

  He hesitated. ‘Do you really think…?’

  ‘It’s important,’ I interrupted him. ‘I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t.’

  After a moment, he nodded. ‘Okay.’

  ‘I have to go,’ I said, and I turned before he could say anything else, fading into the crowd to get back to Heather and Izzy, my pulse racing along with my thoughts. I didn’t look back at him this time. I couldn’t bear to.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Heather asked me when I went back to them, and I wondered what my face looked like. I tried to adjust my face into a less shell-shocked expression so Izzy wouldn’t know that something was up.

  ‘Drew’s here.’ I managed to mouth to Heather when Izzy wasn’t looking.

  Her mouth hung open. ‘Text me later,’ she mouthed back with a nod at Izzy.

  ‘I’m tired,’ Izzy announced then, and I almost cheered.

  ‘Why don’t you two head off? I’m going to go back to the candle stand,’ Heather said, quickly, jumping up. I hastily gathered up our things and we moved to the edge of the food area. Heather gave me a hug. ‘Everything will be okay,’ she said into my ear.

  I wished I could believe her. She hugged Izzy and we headed out to the car park. I had two bags of gifts and Izzy had her teddy, so it had been a successful fair for Christmas presents at least. As we headed to the car, I kept an eye out for Drew but I couldn’t see him anywhere.

  I hadn’t thought coming home for Christmas would be quite this stressful.

  Not only did I have to face Drew and our past, but also Heather had told me that my parents were part of the reason the village was falling apart. And then there was the actual reason we were up here – to say goodbye to my grandmother. I suddenly felt forty not twenty-six.

  We climbed into the car and Izzy requested Christmas songs as we drove home. I was pleased to turn up the music and let her focus on that so I could think in peace.

  As we drove along country roads, I couldn’t stop thinking about Drew. Was it fate that we were both in Glendale at the same time in ten years? I hated that, for all that time, it appeared that he had thought badly of me. That he thought I hadn’t turned up to say goodbye at the airport, and cut off all contact, because I didn’t love him, when the truth was exactly the opposite.

  And I had spent that time both angry and hurt that Drew hadn’t wanted anything to do with our daughter, or me. What a mess. How was I even going to begin to explain it all to him?

  It was hard not to wonder then if I had done the right thing all those years ago. I glanced over at Izzy. She had fallen asleep cuddling her Christmas bear. I smiled. I was happy that she had had a lovely festive day at least. There was never a day when I regretted having her, but I certainly had had many moments of being unsure whether I had done the right thing in leaving Glendale and raising her by myself.

  Seeing Drew again brought back all those sleepless nights in London, longing to reach out to him. When I finally did and he had ignored me, I banished any fantasy of him and Izzy ever knowing one another.

  But if he really hadn’t received my letter then there was a chance now that they could finally meet. I had no idea what Drew was going to say when I told him about her. I knew Izzy would be shocked but happy to know he was in Glendale, too – she had always wanted to meet her father. Would he feel the same though?

  I made a choice when I was sixteen. One that I still wasn’t sure had been the right or wrong one to make but all I could do now was finally face up to it.

  Part of me wanted to just turn around and run back to London and not have to face Drew and our past, but I knew that wasn’t an option this time around. I was an adult now and I had my daughter to think about. I knew that for her sake I had to tell Drew the truth finally.

  I had to try to make it right, somehow.

  Chapter Fourteen

  When we arrived back at the Hall, my mum met us at the door, looking anxious. ‘I’m glad you’re home, your grandmother wants to talk to us both. She’s getting quite distressed.’

  ‘Okay,’ I said, already exhausted from all the revelations of the day and not particularly excited to have to deal with any more. ‘Iz, why don’t you go into the living room and pick out something for us to watch? I’ll come down in a bit and join you.’ Izzy hurried off and I slipped off my coat, following Mum slowly up the stairs. I just wanted to curl up with Izzy, but my mother looked so worried, I had no choice but to go up with her.

  ‘She’s here,’ Mum said as we walked into the bedroom. Gran was sitting up in bed, sagging in relief when she saw us.

  ‘I can’t put it off any longer,’ Gran said, her voice sounding even weaker. I couldn’t help but wonder if she had much time left with us. ‘I have to tell you what I did. It’s all I’ve been thinking about.’

  ‘Calm down, Mum,’ my mother tried to soothe her, sitting down in the chair by the bed and reaching for her hand. ‘It’s okay.’

  I went and sat down on the other side of her, having no idea what she was so distressed about.

  ‘It’s not okay though. I have to tell you about what happened ten years ago. And the lies I told.’

  I looked at Mum and then back at Gran. ‘What do you mean? What lies?’

  ‘You have to know that I didn’t mean for it to tear the family apart. If you only knew the distress it has caused me over the years. I have often wished I could have taken it back. I know now how wrong I was. Thinking that it was for the best, keeping it from you both but I’m running out of time. I have to get this off my chest. I can’t bear to keep it to myself any longer. I should have told you both long ago…’ she trailed off, upset.

  I had no idea where this was going. Gran, the great Margaret MacKenzie, didn’t do apologies or forgiveness, she didn’t explain anything to anyone – what she said went – and there she was looking stricken, about to confess something. I leaned forward in my chair, feeling uncomfortable and nervous but also burning with curiosity it must be said. ‘It’s okay,’ I reassured her. ‘You can tell us.’

  ‘I’m the real reason Beth left ten years ago. I lied to you both. And I’m so sorry.’

  ‘What do you mean you were the real reason she left?’ Mum asked, frowning. She looked stumped.

  I glanced at her. Surely, she knew what Gran said to me before I ran away? To make me r
un away?

  Didn’t she?

  ‘I told Beth that we all felt the same about her being pregnant – that she shouldn’t have the baby,’ Gran said to my mum. ‘I said that I, you and David were all disappointed in her. I told her I had booked a doctor’s appointment for her the following day, that she needed to get rid of the baby. That’s why she ran away,’ Gran said, her voice gaining strength as she finally unburdened herself after all these years.

  ‘What do you mean?’ Mum asked. ‘You told her we didn’t want her to have the baby? But we didn’t even know she was pregnant.’

  A shiver ran down my spine as I turned to look at my mum in shock. ‘You didn’t know? But…’

  ‘I lied,’ Gran admitted. Her voice was croaky but determined as she finally explained her role in the past to us. ‘I was shocked: I was thinking about the family name. I knew it would be a huge scandal. I also didn’t want her to throw her life away.’ She turned to me. ‘That’s what I thought you’d be doing if you had that baby, Beth. So, I tried to convince you not to have it. I told you that your parents thought the same as I did: that you’d ruin all our lives if you had the baby. And when Beth left, I didn’t tell you what I had done, Caroline, I let you think she had just decided to leave us. That she wasn’t able to tell any of us she was pregnant.’ She dropped her head to her chest. ‘I am so, so, sorry. I was wrong. I know that now. But at the time, I thought I was doing the right thing.’

  ‘The right thing for who?’ I cried. I jumped up, unable to stay sitting there a moment longer. I turned away from the bed and walked to the window. I couldn’t believe she had lied like that. Made me think I had no choice. Forcing me to run away and raise my baby all by myself because I thought my family wouldn’t support me. ‘How could you do that?’ I whispered, turning back to look at her, tears welling up in my eyes.

  ‘I thought you didn’t want to tell me you were pregnant,’ Mum said then, walking over to me. ‘That you hated me that much, you wanted to get as far away as possible so I couldn’t be involved. I was heartbroken when you left, Beth. If I had known what she said…’ She looked at her own mother then. ‘You took my daughter and my granddaughter away from me.’