A tear rolled down my cheek. ‘I thought I was all alone,’ I said.
‘I was wrong,’ Gran said, feebly, closing her eyes for a moment. ‘Have you ever done something that you thought was for the best only to realise years later that it wasn’t?’ She opened her eyes again and met my gaze.
I felt sick. She had made me think the right thing for me to do was to leave my home and my family, and that I had to run away to raise my daughter alone. She’d made me feel like I shouldn’t tell Drew, that I should let him go off to fulfil his dreams never knowing that he had a daughter. I thought I had made the only choice that I could. ‘Drew doesn’t know he has a daughter because of you,’ I managed to say. ‘I am a single mother because of you.’
‘You tore this family apart,’ my mum added, and then she walked out of the room. I didn’t blame her.
Gran started to move as if she wanted to try to get out of bed, but I shook my head. ‘You need to let us process this,’ I told her, firmly. Then I followed my mother out, leaving my grandmother alone in her room with the knowledge that she had at last told the truth.
Ten years too late.
Mum and I went downstairs to the drawing room where she went straight to the drinks cabinet and poured herself a brandy and passed me one without asking. I sat down shakily on the sofa and clutched it. Mum drained hers in one gulp, poured another and sat down in the armchair.
In the silence, I could hear the grandfather clock ticking out in the hall.
I sipped my brandy and winced at the strength of it. ‘I really thought that I had to go,’ I said, finally breaking the quiet.
‘I thought that you didn’t want me near your child,’ Mum replied. She sighed. ‘I should have realised by your letter you thought that we all knew you were pregnant. By what you said. I wouldn’t have been pleased if you had told me you were pregnant, of course. You were sixteen and I wanted so much for you. But I would have supported your decision, Beth, I promise you. I know that I don’t say it enough… maybe ever, but you are a wonderful mother, and Isabelle is a credit to you.’
A sob escaped my throat. It was all I had wanted without realising it. My mother’s approval. Maybe it was what all of us wanted really. ‘I don’t know what to do,’ I said then. ‘I thought I was doing the right thing in not telling Drew about Izzy, but a year after she was born, I just couldn’t do it any longer. I wrote to him in America. I told him that we’d had a baby. I sent him a photo of her. And I never heard anything from him.’
‘He didn’t respond?’ Mum asked, shocked.
‘He’s back in Glendale, Mum. I’ve seen him, talked to him. He told me that he never got my letter. And I think I believe him. I have to go and tell him about Izzy, don’t I? But how do I even find the words?’ It was possibly the first time in my adult life that I was asking my mum for advice, I realised.
Mum thought for a moment. ‘You tried to make the right choice at the time… for all of you. You were sixteen and you thought you were alone in the world. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that, Beth. That you had to cope with making that decision. You were just a child yourself. Things are very different now. So yes, I think that you do need to tell him.’
‘Will he understand?’
‘You can make him understand.’
I smiled faintly. ‘I hope that he wants to meet her. Izzy would love it, I know that. It’s all so complicated though.’
‘I know. But I think it will work out. Follow that heart of yours, Beth. Unlike my heart, yours seems to guide you right.’
I was unused to praise from my mother: somehow her saying it made it feel true. I hoped she was right. I looked at her then, the wall between us felt as if it was slowly, finally, starting to crumble. I had to ask the question that had been burning inside me since I had come home. ‘Mum, what’s going on with you and Dad? You’re not happy, I can see that.’
She sighed. ‘You know what your father is like, working all hours. It’s been hard here alone looking after my mother. We don’t seem to be able to talk like we used to.’ She looked down at her glass then, seemingly hesitant. ‘And, there’s something else. But, I feel so ashamed even saying the words aloud.’
I leaned forward. ‘You can tell me,’ I reassured her. I wanted us to be able to be honest with one another now. About everything. It was about time after all.
‘A few weeks ago, I went to his study to try to talk to him. And I heard him on the phone. To… her.’ She almost spat out the word and quickly drank more of her brandy afterwards.
‘He’s having an affair?’ I wasn’t surprised exactly. My dad had always been absent from life at Glendale Hall when I was growing up; it wasn’t a massive stretch of the imagination to think there had been other women but, on the other hand, appearances were everything to my family so I wondered why he would be willing to jeopardize that.
‘I saw them together. He was telling me that he was playing golf so often, but after that phone call, I knew he was lying. So, I went to the golf club and there they were – having lunch together. Cathy, that’s her name. I’ve even met her. She came to a dinner party here once. She owns the development company who want to buy up the village. Your father is on the board of directors.’
‘Are you serious? Why haven’t you kicked his sorry arse out of here?’ I asked her, outraged that not only had he been cheating but the whole village was suffering because my dad couldn’t keep it in his pants.
Mum looked at me and then, to my shock, burst out laughing. ‘None of this is funny but… sorry arse,’ she choked out between giggles. And despite all we had learned in the past half an hour there seemed nothing for it but to laugh right along with her. Then she came over to the sofa and for the first time in ten years, reached out and gave me a hug. ‘I’m glad you’re here, Beth,’ she said before pulling back quickly. She had never been much for affection. We could work on that though.
I nodded. ‘Me too. We’re going to fix everything. Together. Deal?’ I looked at her fiercely. I really wanted us to rebuild our relationship. It seemed she needed me as much as I needed her. We had to sort out everything that had been going wrong in this family for all this time. And we needed to do it together.
I could have been wrong, but I was sure I saw a flash of pride in my mother’s eyes. ‘Deal,’ she agreed.
Chapter Fifteen
I got up early the next day, having not slept much the night before, my mind whirring with everything that was happening. It felt as if there was so much to try to sort out, but I knew that I needed to see Drew as my first priority, before I chickened out, but also before he and Izzy bumped into one another. I had forgotten what a small world Glendale was: the Christmas fair had been a close call. I hated not telling Izzy the truth but I couldn’t yet. I knew she’d be devastated if I told her that her father was in Scotland too but he didn’t want to meet her – I had to protect her, and be sure that he wanted to meet her first.
Sally was making coffee when I walked into the kitchen. It was still dark outside and I could barely make out the garden through the French doors.
‘Have I ever seen you at this time before?’ Sally asked when she saw me.
‘Ha ha ha, I have no sense of humour before coffee,’ I replied, grabbing a cup. She poured me a strong black coffee, and one for herself. ‘I was too nervous to sleep. I’m going to go and see Drew today,’ I explained after I had taken a huge gulp.
‘All those years you thought he wasn’t interested in knowing Izzy…’
‘I don’t understand how he never got my letter,’ I said, sitting down at the table with her. She brought over a rack of toast, but I couldn’t face eating. ‘But his surprise seemed genuine. I had convinced myself that he just couldn’t forgive me for not telling him about Izzy and was too happy with his new life in America. Now I know he didn’t get the letter – how do I tell him he’s missed out on the first ten years of her life?’
‘Just be honest. Explain why you made the choice that you did and that you tried
to tell him the truth.’
I nodded. ‘I hope that he will want to meet Izzy, but if he doesn’t, well, we have each other, don’t we?’
Sally smiled. ‘Exactly. It’ll all be okay, Beth, I know it. You’re here now, where you should be.’
‘Even though everything seems to be turning into a bigger mess by the day?’ I took another gulp of the coffee. It was waking me up slowly.
‘Sometimes things have to get messy so you can discover the best way to put them right.’
‘I just hope that I’ll be able to.’
* * *
Drew’s family farm was a short drive from Glendale Hall down twisting country lanes. I found that I could remember the way as if it was burned into my memory. I used to beg John to drive me out there most weekends, and almost every day over the one summer we spent together, bribing him with promises to do the garden jobs he didn’t want to.
The sun began to slowly rise as I drove out there, my stomach fluttering with nerves. It had been so long since I had set foot on the farm. Rory, who was four years older than Drew, still ran the farm after taking it over when their parents died. He’d worked there since leaving school having always loved farm work, and knowing that Drew wanted to do something else.
I turned into the gravel driveway and drove up to the farmhouse. It was a pretty stone house situated within acres of land. I had loved coming to the farm, pulling Drew away from his books to drive the tractor through the fields with me. Or sharing a picnic together on the grass, the sun beating down on us. Helping Rory with some of the chores. And rolling around in the hay together, kissing until our lips got sore. I remember watching the sunset lying on the bonnet of Rory’s battered old car, the radio playing from inside, holding hands and talking about the future – certain as only teenagers could be that we would be spending it together.
Parking my car, I stared at the house, wondering for a moment what had happened to those two kids who had been so happy and carefree – and in love.
But, of course, I knew exactly what had happened to them.
I couldn’t help but think back to that night. Drew and I had spent the summer together. Practically every day we’d been together. I was so in love with him and so ready to take the next step. Drew, wanting to be a doctor, had taken precautions seriously, and after discussing it, I had gone on the pill to be ready. I had paid less attention to taking it, though, and those few missed tablets had changed everything.
Shaking off my memories before I became lost in them, I climbed out of the car. The sky above was turning blue and the sun peeked out from behind the farmhouse as I walked up to the door and knocked.
‘Beth,’ Rory said, his eyes widening, as he opened up the door.
‘Oh, hi. Is, uh, Drew in?’ I asked, wondering if Drew had given him a heads-up that I might be coming to see him. They had always been close, so I suspected they had discussed it.
‘He’s in the kitchen. Go on through. I need to head out and feed the chickens,’ he replied, slipping past me. He paused and looked back. ‘Look, it’s none of my… you guys are all grown up.’ He groaned in frustration. ‘I’m just trying to say that you broke his heart back then, so promise me that you won’t do it again, okay?’
‘If it’s any consolation, I broke my own heart as well,’ I replied.
He looked at me for a long moment, nodded and then walked off again, hands thrust in his pockets. I watched him go, knowing that Rory wouldn’t have said that if he didn’t mean it. Drew really had loved me as much as I had loved him then. I wished I could go back and change it all but that was impossible. All I could do was try to make things right now.
Cautiously, I let myself into the house and walked towards the kitchen. The smell of frying bacon hit me instantly. Drew stood by the cooker, poking at the pan, his shirt sleeves rolled up, wearing dark jeans, his hair still wet from the shower. I watched him for a moment before I realised he hadn’t noticed I was there. ‘That smells good.’
Drew started at my voice, turning from the cooker as I hovered in the doorway. ‘You came,’ he said, simply.
I nodded. ‘I had to. Is it okay if I come in?’
‘Oh, of course!’ He gestured to the round pine table. ‘Sit down? Tea? Coffee? Juice? I was just making breakfast. I mean, would you like some?’
‘Just coffee, thank you,’ I replied, relieved that he seemed nervous too. I took off my coat and sat down, pouring out another coffee as Drew came over with a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon and a large mug of tea. I raised an eyebrow. ‘You didn’t use to be able to cook,’ I couldn’t help notice.
‘No, I had to learn at university,’ he replied. ‘I burnt a lot back then,’ he added with a grin remembering. ‘But, actually, I really enjoy it now.’ Drew took a sip of tea, his gaze fixed on me. Finally, he sighed. ‘It’s so strange seeing you here, in this kitchen, again. I often thought when I came home that I might run into you, but you never seemed to come back to Glendale.’
‘This is the first time I’ve been home in ten years,’ I confirmed. I wondered whether he had hoped to see me all those other times, but I didn’t dare ask.
‘Such a long time.’ Drew put down his knife and fork, his appetite seemingly gone like my own. He leaned forward, putting his elbows on the table. ‘I heard of you through the years… I mean, there was a lot of talk about why you left. Rory said he’d heard there was another boy.’ Drew looked at me with a raised eyebrow.
I shook my head, my throat feeling very parched. ‘That wasn’t the reason why I left,’ I replied, carefully. ‘I heard about you over the years too. That you still live in Boston?’ I asked, trying to take the heat off of me for a moment so I could decide how I was even going to begin to tell him everything.
‘I loved it as soon as I started university there. After medical school, I was offered a residency in a local hospital so I moved into the city once I graduated.’
I nodded. ‘You really did it. Became a doctor. Like you always wanted.’
He smiled a little. ‘Yeah, I did. What about you though? I know that you live in London. And everyone said you had a daughter a while back,’ he said, steering the conversation back to me. ‘Why did you come here, Beth?’
I took a deep breath. ‘It’s about the letter I sent you—’
‘The one I didn’t get,’ he interjected, still studying me closely. His gaze made me even more nervous. He had always been able to read me too easily, to tell what I was thinking and feeling. And I had been the same with him, but I had no idea if we still had that connection. So much time, so much life, had passed.
I nodded. ‘The one you didn’t get.’
‘So, what did it say?’ he asked, impatiently.
As I watched his forehead crease with frustration, I was struck by how similar Izzy looked when she made such a face at me. And the thought of her gave me the strength to finally make my confession.
Chapter Sixteen
Clearing my throat, I looked down at the coffee cup I held tightly in my hands and began. ‘Well, as I said at the fair, I wrote to you about a year after you’d left for America. There was a reason that I didn’t come to the airport to say goodbye, a reason why I felt I had to cut off all contact with you, why I left Glendale, and ran away to London. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time.’ I sucked in a deep breath. I knew I was speaking too fast, but I just had to get the words out.
‘I made the hardest decision of my life. But one night, I just broke down, and I… missed you, and I wanted to tell you everything, and so I wrote to you. And when I didn’t hear back, I thought… Well, I thought that you didn’t want anything to do with us.’
There was a beat of silence. ‘Us?’ He promoted me.
I forced myself to lift my eyes then. I started to reach across the table to touch him but then I stopped, too scared to, and pulled my hand back. ‘You really didn’t get my letter?’
Drew shook his head slowly. ‘I promise you I didn’t. I never understood why you didn’t
at least tell me that you didn’t want us to stay together. I waited at the airport for you until I was the last passenger to board the plane. Rory was the one who pushed me onto it. I almost ran to find you. But I had to accept that you didn’t love me.’ His voice broke a little on the word ‘love’.
‘Oh, Drew,’ I said, fighting back the tears. ‘It was never about that. If anything, it was because I loved you too much. I didn’t want to stop you from making all your dreams come true.’ The tears rolled down my cheek then, and I tried to hold it together to get the words out. ‘I knew how much being a doctor meant to you and to your family, to Rory. How… how could I stop you from doing that?’
Drew got up and came around to my side of the table. He kneeled down beside me and reached for my hands. ‘Beth, just tell me, please.’
My heart broke at how gently he spoke to me. He was being kind, as he always had been. But how would he react when I told him? I turned and gripped his hands with mine. ‘The reason I ran away when I was sixteen was because I was pregnant. Drew, we had a baby.’
There was a long silence as we looked at one another. Slowly, Drew let go of my hands and backed up on his knees to put space between us. My skin felt the loss of the warmth of his instantly.
‘What are you talking about?’ he whispered. His face had gone pale.
‘I’m so sorry, Drew. I don’t know how to explain. My gran, she found out that I was pregnant, and she was furious. She wanted me to have an abortion. She kept telling me how I would destroy both our futures,’ I told him, my voice breaking at the end. ‘I didn’t know what to do. I loved you, and the minute I knew I was carrying our baby, I loved her too. I couldn’t give her up, but I didn’t want to stop you going to America. That’s why I left. I ran because I didn’t feel like I had any other choice.’ A sob rose up in my throat at the end.
Coming Home to Glendale Hall Page 9
