Drew stood up, shaking his head. He walked over to the window and leaned against the sink for a moment, looking out to the farm. Then he turned, slowly, back to me. ‘You’re saying that your daughter – she’s mine?’ he said, finally.
I nodded. ‘Isabelle – Izzy. I wrote to you on her first birthday. I missed you so much. And I wanted you to know the truth. I was scared I’d made a huge mistake. And I felt so… so guilty. I didn’t know what else to do, so I wrote to you. Hoping. Begging. For you to try to forgive me. But when I didn’t hear back… I thought you couldn’t. That you didn’t want to know… her.’
He stared at me in stunned silence. ‘How could you think that of me?’ he asked then.
I didn’t know how to answer that. At the time, I had thought it was only what I deserved.
‘And you didn’t ever try again? To contact me? To tell me about her?’ he asked then, his voice becoming harder.
I looked down again, unable to bear to see the anger in his eyes. ‘I thought you were happy without me, without us. I didn’t want to intrude in your life.’
‘Intrude! Beth, we had a daughter, and you thought it would be intruding to tell me about her!’ He shook his head in disbelief.
I couldn’t stop the tears rolling down my cheek. ‘You don’t understand. I was all alone, raising her all alone; I felt so hurt, so rejected when you didn’t respond… And I love her. So, so much! I couldn’t bear to have her disappointed, to have her rejected. I didn’t want to raise either of our hopes. It seemed better for us if I just accepted that you didn’t want to have any contact.’ I looked down. ‘I have always tried to protect my daughter. To do the best I could. And I thought I was letting you live the life you wanted to.’
There was a long silence. Finally, Drew let out a puff of air to break it. ‘Do you have a photo of her?’
I pulled out my phone and showed him the screensaver picture of me and Izzy walking to the village in the snow earlier in the week.
Drew took the phone off me and leaned back against the counter as he stared down at it. ‘She looks like you,’ he said after a long silence.
‘She has your hair and eyes though – and your smile.’
‘She’s beautiful.’
I sniffed and wiped at my eyes. I needed to get a hold of myself. ‘She’s such a great kid, Drew. Really special. I know I’m biased in saying that… but she is.’ I smiled despite what was happening, thinking about her.
‘How could you not tell me?’ Drew asked, looking up with tears in his eyes. ‘You should have known I would have been there for you.’
‘That’s why I didn’t tell you when I found out about her. I didn’t want you to give up your future because of me.’
‘That wasn’t up to you! I should have had a say in the matter.’ He turned away as if he couldn’t bear to look at me.
‘I know that now. All these years, I have gone over and over it in my mind. But I was sixteen and terrified, I felt so scared and alone. My family turned their backs on me, or so I thought at the time, and I felt as if there was no other choice. I thought about your parents and how proud they were of you when you got that scholarship and…’ I couldn’t go on. I covered my face with my hands, words failing me. How could I expect him to understand? I had kept our daughter from him. How could I ever try to make that okay? I remembered fantasising after I sent him that letter that he would knock at the door and sweep us both into his arms. The reality of him finding out about Izzy was far removed from that, but it was only what I deserved. He should have been angry with me. I was angry with myself too. I had thought I was protecting him, letting him have the future he had dreamed of, but I knew now that I hadn’t really considered how much he would be missing out on by keeping our baby from him.
Drew came back to the table and put my phone down. He sat down in the chair opposite me. ‘This is such a mess.’ I nodded, trying to swallow down the lump in my throat. ‘Is she here? Our daughter?’ I nodded again. ‘God, I can’t believe I’m saying that word. That I’m a father. All this time…’
‘I don’t know if you can ever forgive me. I’m not sure I deserve you to. But Izzy, she has always asked about you. She would love to meet you. I have to ask you for her sake. If you’ll think about it… please. If only just once.’ I begged him then. I had to hope that the two of them could have some kind of relationship.
Drew looked down at my phone again, touching the screen to light up the photo of her. I knew he could see himself in her: there was no denying the resemblance, it seemed to only grow stronger as she got older. ‘I don’t even know where to begin, what to say, how to navigate this. It all needs to sink in. I mean, I know that you were just sixteen, and your family were never easy… But, Beth, you should have told me. If not then, before now. Ten years! I’ve missed out on ten years.’
‘I thought when you didn’t reply to my letter it was what I deserved after not telling you the truth at the time. I thought you had a new life over there, and that you thought it was best that we had nothing more to do with one another. Perhaps I thought I should be punished. That I deserved to be… alone.’ I admitted the darkest thoughts I had had during that time. I had lost the love of my life and I had no one else to blame but myself.
He was quiet again for a moment, letting my words sink in. He sighed heavily, and I wished I knew what he was thinking. ‘So, you raised our daughter all by yourself? In London?’
I nodded. I wanted to reach out to him, for him to hold me again and tell me that it was all okay, but I knew he couldn’t. Because it wasn’t.
‘I want to meet her,’ he said then. ‘I have to meet her.’ He looked at me. ‘When can I see her?’
‘Tomorrow. Give me a chance to tell her that you’re here. To make sure she’s okay with it all.’
Drew nodded. ‘Tomorrow,’ he repeated. ‘Isabelle?’ He asked then. ‘Why Isabelle?’
I wondered if he would remember. ‘That song we listened to all summer. The one we danced to outside here, to the radio in your car. Do you…?’
His lips curved into a small smile. ‘Of course, I do. That night…’ He trailed off, not needing to say it. It had been our first time, that song playing as we made love, not knowing we were also making a baby. That night was so special in so many ways. When I had held our daughter in my arms for the first time, I knew it was the perfect name for her. And as our eyes met across his kitchen table, I knew that Drew thought so too.
A little hope sprang up in my heart then that one day he might understand the choice I made, if not be able forgive me. But until then, I was just happy that my little girl would get to meet her dad, and that Drew would finally get to know how special our daughter was.
Chapter Seventeen
After I came back to the Hall from Drew’s farm, I made sure that Izzy and I had the afternoon to ourselves. I took her into the dining room and suggested we made some Christmas decorations together to hang up in our bedrooms. ‘I’ve got paper for us to make snowflakes and some popcorn and cranberries to string. And, look, John brought in some pine cones from the garden, so we can use them too.’
‘We can cover them in glitter,’ Izzy said, pulling out the box of paints and crafting bits she’d brought from home. I was always trying to encourage her crafting efforts, as it was something we could do together and it took her out of her book world for a while. I had noticed, though, that she hadn’t slunk off to read by herself during the day so often as we seemed to have something going on every day, and I was pleased that she was enjoying other things while we were in Scotland. ‘And Granny said we could take the fairy lights we didn’t use on the tree upstairs if we want.’
‘Our rooms are going to look so festive after this,’ I told her with a smile. I started to cut up the paper into snowflakes as Izzy covered the pine cones in glitter. I was relieved I’d put a sheet over the table as the glitter had a habit of going everywhere, and I knew my mum and Sally would kill us if we got any on the wood. ‘So, how are you enjoying our
holiday up here so far?’ I asked her, wondering how to bring the conversation around to Drew. I had left the farm with a plan to meet him at a cafe in town with Izzy and I wanted to prepare her as best as I could. I knew that she worried a lot about things, despite trying to hide it from me, and I wanted her to see this as a good thing and not be anxious about it. I would likely be anxious enough for both of us anyway.
‘It’s nice and relaxing, and I love how festive everything is here. And it’s nice to be with family too.’
‘That’s great. I’m so happy you like it here.’
‘I wish we could stay longer,’ she added, biting her lip as she twisted the pine cone round to make sure it was fully covered in glitter.
That surprised me a little. ‘Are you not missing London then?’
She shook her head. ‘I even like having a garden,’ she added, grinning at me.
‘I am shocked!’ I joked. ‘Izzy likes something outside! We need to make a banner or something.’
‘Mum,’ she groaned, rolling her eyes. ‘I hope it snows again.’
‘I think it probably will.’ I hesitated then, knowing that I needed to broach the subject of Drew – the afternoon was slipping away. I watched her for a moment, so proud of her and full of love. I knew that once I told her, our life of just the two of us would never be quite the same again. But I also knew that I would be giving her something she had always wanted. And I just wanted my daughter to be happy. ‘Listen, love, I wanted to tell you something. And it might come as a bit of a shock. It was for me too,’ I warned her, as gently as I could.
Izzy looked at me. ‘What is it?’ She already looked wary.
‘It’s something good, don’t worry,’ I added, quickly. ‘It turns out that we’re not the only people who have come home to Glendale for Christmas. I bumped into someone, and they are really excited to meet you. But I told them that I wanted to check with you first.’ I reached over and put my hand on hers. Her eyes watched mine, cautious as they always were with change or anything new. She was more like her dad in that way than me. I gave her fingers a reassuring squeeze. ‘Iz, your father is here in Glendale, and he would love to see you if you’d like that.’
‘He is? Isn’t he in America?’ Izzy put the glitter down. ‘I thought he didn’t know about me?’
‘He’s come to stay with his brother for the holidays. But I’ve told him all about you, Iz. It was a huge shock for him, but he would really like to meet you. And I know that you’ve always wanted to meet him, so this is a good thing. Isn’t it?’ I asked her.
She nodded slowly. ‘I can’t believe he’s really here. I mean, I would like to see him but…’ she trailed off, biting her lip.
‘But what?’ I asked her.
‘But what if he doesn’t like me?’
‘Oh, love.’ I pulled her into my arms. This was what I had wanted to protect her from. That feeling I had felt when it had sunk in that Drew wasn’t ever going to reply to my letter. I never wanted her to feel like that. But now that Drew knew about her, he had been swift in his desire to see her. Surely in time he would love her just as fiercely as I did? ‘You are a really special little girl. How many times have I told you? You have nothing to worry about, okay?’ I knew whatever happened, I would make sure my little girl wasn’t hurt somehow. Out of all the mistakes I had made, she would never be one, and she deserved only happiness.
She nodded and leaned back to look at me. ‘What’s he like, Mum?’
‘Well, he’s a lot like you. You have the same hair and smile,’ I said, tugging on a strand of her auburn hair. ‘And he loves books almost as much as you. He’s clever and kind, too, just like you are.’
Izzy smiled. ‘It’s weird, isn’t it, that all three of us are here at the same time?’
‘Like it was meant to be,’ I replied. Goosebumps pricked my arms. It did feel a little bit like fate had had a hand in all of it. ‘So, how about we meet him for breakfast tomorrow in town?’
‘You’ll be there too, won’t you?’ she asked, picking her pine cone back up.
‘Of course I will.’
‘Okay, then,’ she said with a nod, making her decision after weighing it all up, just like she always did. My heart swelled with love for her. I watched her go back to painting and my chest sagged a little in relief. She seemed to have taken it all in her usual practical way. So much like Drew in that respect. I knew she’d be nervous, but I also knew that she had longed to meet her father. She had tried to hide that from me, to protect me, but that longing had been there all her life.
And now I finally could give her something that I had been scared that I never would be able to.
I was opening our cosy little world of two to someone else and it was bloody terrifying, but I hoped that if the boy I had loved was still there inside the man Drew was now, then it would all work out okay.
* * *
After I said good night to Izzy that evening, I went down to the kitchen where my mum and Sally were sitting with a glass of wine each in front of them. ‘I need this,’ I said, pouring out a large glass as I joined them.
‘How did it go today?’ Mum asked.
‘Honestly, I don’t know what Drew thinks of me or my decision but I’m holding on to the fact that he wants to meet Izzy, and that’s the most important thing. She’s excited to see him, too, but nervous, I can tell. She’s worried about whether he’s going to like her.’
‘I’m sure Drew is worrying about the exact same thing.’ Mum gave me a smile. ‘You’ve done all you can. You’ve told him everything, and you’re letting them build a relationship. It won’t be easy but once he’s come to terms with it all, I think he’ll understand what you went through back then. It took me a long time to accept your decision to go to London and have Izzy; I didn’t know all the facts about you leaving either and it was hard, but never for a moment did I question whether having Isabelle was the right choice. You know that she was. And Drew will too.’
‘He will love her, won’t he?’ I asked, taking a sip of the wine. I was so nervous for Izzy. I wanted their meeting to go well for both of them but especially her. She deserved all the love in the world.
‘How could he not?’ Sally said. ‘She’s such a wonderful girl. It’s a shock for him but, by all accounts, Drew has his head screwed on right; he’s doing a great job of being a doctor over there: his brother is always saying how proud he is of him.’
I raised an eyebrow. ‘I thought you said you didn’t know much about him.’
‘Well, I didn’t want to make you feel bad,’ she admitted.
‘It does change things knowing that he didn’t turn his back on us, you know? All this time, I thought he rejected us when he didn’t respond to my letter but now I know that he never read it.’
‘I always thought it was unlike him,’ Sally replied. ‘But people change, so you never know what they will do.’
‘That’s true,’ Mum said, darkly.
‘Is Dad still at work?’ I asked, guessing that’s who was in her mind. His absence from the Hall was becoming more conspicuous by the day.
‘I don’t know where he is,’ she replied with a sigh.
I frowned. I really didn’t like how my parents seemed to be living separate lives. They had kept up a good pretence of being as they always were when they had come to London, but now I was with them every day, it was noticeable how little time they spent together. ‘Shouldn’t you talk to him, Mum—?’
‘Don’t you worry about us,’ she interrupted. ‘We have enough to deal with in this house right now. Your grandmother has slept most of today. I think she’s getting weaker. And you have Izzy to worry about, too. You need to focus on what’s important.’
I nodded but it worried me that she didn’t see her marriage as a priority. Perhaps it had just kept on slipping down the list. There was a lot going on at the Hall. But that’s why it was so strange that Dad was never around.
Surely everyone needed him here more than ever?
Guilt sett
led over me once again when I saw how much things seemed to have changed both at home and in Glendale over the past ten years. It felt like something needed to happen to make things better, but I had no idea what.
I needed to sort out my own mess before I could tackle anything else. Still, it was there in my mind that I wanted to do something that would help everyone. It felt important before I walked away from them all again.
First though, I had to make it through tomorrow.
Chapter Eighteen
I drove Izzy to the neighbouring town of Glenmarshes the next day. Sleet was floating down from a grey sky as we parked outside the cafe where we had arranged to meet Drew. Izzy had changed her outfit three times, bless her, and had settled on a black wool dress with boots. I had gone with my usual jeans, boots and long jumper and we both had our hair loose over our shoulders. I wasn’t sure who was more nervous out of the two of us. Izzy was quiet on the drive, so I turned up the Christmas music and tried to take her mind off things by singing along loudly and off key, which at last raised a giggle from her and she joined in for the final one.
Pulling into a space outside the cafe, I switched off the engine and turned to her. ‘Listen, Iz, everything will be okay. I promise. I love you loads, you know that, right?’
She nodded. ‘I know, Mum. Let’s go.’
‘Okay,’ I said, proud of the determined expression she had on her face. She was far braver than I had been at her age. Sometimes I hoped she wasn’t trying to grow up too fast, taking too much on her young shoulders, but I knew some of that was her personality and I wouldn’t have changed her for the world. I squeezed her hand and we got out and went into the cafe.
It was a cosy vintage place with white tables and floral tablecloths, the smell of freshly baked cakes filling the air. The bell rang cheerily as we walked through the door and straight away I spotted Drew at a table in the corner. He sprang out of his seat when he saw us, and I could see that he was just as nervous as we were.
Coming Home to Glendale Hall Page 10
