‘Is this your influence?’ Dad said, turning to me.
‘Dad, the only influence at work here is yours.’
I left him alone in the hall, hoping he’d finally realise that he was throwing away everything of value in his life.
Chapter Forty-Two
After we’d finished dinner, I sent everyone into the living room with their coffees and started to put everything in the dishwasher. I didn’t notice Drew had stayed behind until he brought over a stack of plates. I smiled at him.
‘Are you okay? After your dad, I mean?’ he asked, handing them to me.
‘Just worried about my mum really. She’s devastated but putting a brave face on it all. I think he’s moved out for good. I don’t see how they can come back from this.’
‘I’m sorry. It’s hard, isn’t it, watching people struggle but sometimes you have to let them find their own way out. I know you; you want to help fix it, but it’s not something you can do.’
‘I know that you’re right. I just hate seeing them hurting, especially my mum. She doesn’t deserve how he’s treating her, but I think she’s finally realising that.’ I shook my head ‘Who’d have thought I’d be fighting my mum’s corner? This Christmas really has changed everything.’
‘It’s nice to see you two getting on so much better. Maybe you’re really all grown up now.’ He smiled.
‘That’s right. I’m mature and sensible now. Wonders never cease, right?’
‘You haven’t changed that much,’ Drew replied with a grin.
‘Oh, really?’
‘Your hair is still the same for one thing.’ He reached out and tucked a flyaway strand back over my shoulder. My breath hitched in my throat. ‘But you’re a posh southerner now.’
‘You can talk with your American accent,’ I replied, busying myself by rinsing a saucepan, wishing he wasn’t standing so close – it made it hard to concentrate.
‘I think being back here is calming it down a bit. The longer I’m in Scotland, the more Scottish I become again.’
‘Actually, I think my Scottish accent is returning a bit too. People in London won’t be able to understand me when I go back.’
‘How do you feel about going back? I settle back into Glendale life so much whenever I visit that it feels strange to leave again. And this has been one of my longest trips for a while, I can’t believe that I’ll soon be on a plane back to Boston.’
With April, I thought to myself with a sinking feeling in my stomach. I tried to shake off my sadness. ‘It’s the same for me. I really didn’t want to come back. If my gran hadn’t been so ill… But Izzy and I have really settled in to life here. I will miss Glendale when I get back to the city. And I really didn’t think I’d ever say that.’
‘I know you’ve lived in London for ten years, but I always thought of you here. Working in the garden, running through the house, walking to the village, that’s how I always thought of you in Boston. Not living in a flat and working in an office.’
‘You thought of me in Boston?’ I turned to him in surprise.
Drew smiled. ‘Of course I did. Beth Williams, you’ve been hard to shake off, you know.’
‘But you did shake me off?’ I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.
‘Mum, John needs sugar!’ Izzy said, bustling in loudly.
I tore myself away from Drew’s searching gaze. ‘Okay, love,’ I said, hurrying to the cupboard to get it.
‘What are you talking about?’ Izzy asked. I wondered what the expressions on our faces looked like to her.
‘What a pain you are,’ I replied, handing her the sugar bowl. ‘We’re coming in now anyway,’ I said, following her out before Drew could say anything.
I could feel his eyes burning a hole in my back. My breathing was too fast. I told myself not to put too much stock in our conversation: Drew must have moved on from me a long time ago.
I just wished that I could have said the same.
* * *
‘Did you love my dad?’ Izzy asked as I went in to say good night to her. Outside, the trail lights had been turned off and the garden was dark and still. The rain had started back up again, creating a pounding soundtrack in the silence of her room. I sat on the edge of her bed as she looked at me seriously.
‘Of course I did. Why do you ask?’
‘I just wondered why you aren’t still together, I suppose,’ she said, trying to shrug casually but it was clear she had given this a lot of thought. Perhaps with April appearing on the scene it had made her wonder.
‘Well, Drew won a scholarship to go to university in America so he could be a doctor. When I found out I was carrying you, I didn’t want Drew to walk away from his dreams, so I decided that I would go to London and look after you by myself. Why do you ask? Are you worried about him going back to Boston?’
Izzy nodded. ‘A little bit. We will keep in touch, won’t we?’
‘You will always have him in your life now, I promise.’ I knew Izzy would be over the moon if Drew chose to take the job in Scotland, but I had no idea if that would happen so didn’t want to get her hopes up by telling her about the offer.
Izzy smiled. ‘That’s good.’
‘We both love you, and even though we’re not together now, we will always love you. You know that, right?’
She nodded and lay down on her pillow. I turned off her lamp, plunging the room into darkness. ‘I love you, Mum,’ she said sleepily.
I smiled even though she couldn’t see me. ‘Sweet dreams, love.’ I tucked the duvet around her and left her to fall asleep, hoping that I had eased any concerns she had. I supposed it was confusing to her why her parents weren’t together, but I was happy she loved having her father in her life. I had no doubt their bond would continue to get stronger even if Drew did remain in Boston. I tried not to think about how much more we could see him if he did come back to the UK.
Or how much I desperately wanted him to.
Chapter Forty-Three
‘Who are you supposed to be?’ Mum screwed up her eyes as I walked down the stairs and found her and Izzy waiting for me in the hallway. The Christmas tree was starting to droop now, reminding us that the festive season would soon be all over, and the new year was around the corner: the time when we were supposed to make resolutions and plans for the year ahead, and I had no clue what mine should be. I had gone along with Heather’s costume idea for Hogmanay celebrations at the Glendale Arms. My mum was confused; Izzy, however, burst into a round of applause.
‘I’m a character in Harry Potter,’ I replied, giving them a twirl. I wore a long cloak, fake glasses, and had made my hair as frizzy as I could. I carried a wand to complete the Hermione look. Heather was going as Harry, of course. ‘What do you think, Iz?’
‘It’s perfect. I want a photo with you. I wish I was coming. I could have been Ginny.’
‘You would have made an excellent Ginny.’ We posed for Mum in front of the tree as she took a photo on my phone of us. I loved it so much, I made it my wallpaper straight away. I gave Izzy a big hug. ‘Now, I’ll be back for the fireworks, and your dad is coming too. So, we’ll see you before midnight. Will you be okay?’
She rolled her eyes. ‘Of course I will, Mum.’
We were hoping most of the people at the pub could be persuaded to come back to the Hall to see the fireworks and had hired a minibus to drive us all over. It felt like the perfect ending to the trail.
‘You go and have fun; we’ll hold the fort here,’ Mum said as we heard a beep from outside.
Heather’s dad, Don, had arrived to pick me up, and I climbed into the car with him and Heather and we drove out to the village. The sky was clear and cold, and the stars were out in full force above us. Time was ticking by too quickly. Soon, January would be with us, and my trip home would be coming to an end. I kept pushing it to the back of my mind, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to for that much longer.
‘It feels like old times: you chauffeuring me and Beth around, Dad.’
‘I remember picking you both up, and you pretending you hadn’t had anything to drink. I had to force myself not to laugh, to be honest. Not that I condone underage drinking,’ he said with a wink to me in the rear-view mirror.
‘You’ll have all that to come with Izzy,’ Heather said to me.
‘God, don’t. Although, right now she’s shocked at the idea of drinking, so let’s hope she doesn’t take after me as a teenager too much,’ I said with a shudder. I thought back to the times I used to stay out with my mum not knowing where I was. I certainly wasn’t easy; I knew that now. While I hoped Izzy would stay her sensible self as she grew up, at least I knew all the tricks for sneaking out of the house and might be able to thwart her if she didn’t.
‘Right, here we are,’ Don said as he pulled into the car park. Music and light streamed out from the open door to the pub. ‘Have a great time.’
‘Are you sure you won’t join us for the fireworks?’ I asked him as I climbed out.
‘Thank you, but I’ll be safely tucked up in bed by then. My days of staying up to midnight are behind me now, thankfully.’
I thanked him for the lift, and Heather gave him a kiss before he left. ‘I love how close you two are,’ I told her, slipping my arm through hers as we walked into the pub.
‘With mum gone, we’ve grown much closer. I like looking after him. I wouldn’t want him to be alone. Right – what are we drinking then?’
Heather’s words rang in my ears as we weaved our way to the bar. I didn’t like the thought of my mum being on her own either.
Glendale Arms was full of people, which was lovely to see. Most people were in costumes, and the atmosphere was lively. Heather got us a bottle of wine and we went through to the back where we spotted Drew with Rory and April. They called us over, and we squeezed into the booth with them.
‘Is that really a costume, Drew?’ I asked with a laugh seeing that both he and Rory were wearing kilts.
‘I didn’t have anything else with me. Rory, doesn’t have an excuse though,’ Drew replied with a grin.
‘Yes, I do,’ his brother disagreed. ‘I wanted to show off my legs. I knew Heather wouldn’t be able to resist,’ he joked.
Heather arched an eyebrow. ‘The big question we need answering though is what you have on under those kilts, boys.’
‘Hey, I’m happy to show you,’ Rory said, starting to lift his kilt up. Heather shrieked and told him not to scare the whole pub. Drew and I laughed at them. I noticed April had crossed her arms over her chest, looking annoyed.
‘What did you come as, April?’ I asked, trying to make an effort.
‘I didn’t have a costume either. But this is my New Year Eve’s dress,’ she said, uncrossing her arms. She was wearing a little black dress and looked gorgeous. She wrapped her arm through Drew’s. Heather poured me a glass of wine and I grabbed it, eager for something to dull the ache I felt seeing them together, but she stopped me.
‘We need a toast first. Here’s to the new year – let it be happy and healthy for all of us,’ Heather said, raising her glass. We all clinked glasses and took a drink.
‘I think we need shots,’ Rory said, getting up and ignoring our groans.
The pub soon became crowded. Everyone was in a good mood. The music got louder, and with all the drinks that Drew and Rory bought us, Heather and I were soon decidedly tipsy. April, I noticed, wasn’t drinking very much and looked quite bored as she played with her phone.
Heather grabbed Rory and dragged him onto the makeshift dance floor that had started up, and they twirled each other around to the cheesy dance song playing.
‘Want to dance?’ Drew asked April. She agreed and they joined the other two. I watched for a moment. Even though it was a fast song, April had her arms around Drew’s neck twirling in a slow dance. I decided that I needed some air and hastily got up and walked out to the garden at the back.
The sky was clear, a crescent moon dangling above, shining its slivery light down on me. I sat at one of the picnic tables, a glass in my hand, breathing in the cool air. I was conscious that it was almost time to make resolutions, to make plans for the year ahead, and I wasn’t sure what I wanted mine to be. Change seemed to be dangling like a seductive carrot in front of me, but I wasn’t sure whether or not I wanted to take it. Or what it would look like if I did.
‘There you are,’ Drew said, startling me from my thoughts. He joined me at the table. ‘April’s family have called her,’ he said as if to explain why he was allowed out there with me. ‘I can’t believe it’s almost the new year,’ Drew continued. ‘This time last year, I had no idea I’d find out I had a daughter,’ he said. ‘So, God knows what this year will bring.’ He smiled at me though.
My head was spinning a little from all the booze. I looked at him and knew our time together was running out, so I had to ask him while I could. ‘Drew, can you ever forgive me? For not telling you back then? For running away?’ I found myself touching his hand desperately.
Drew met my eyes. ‘It’s been a shock and a lot to get my head around. But for so long, I was confused. I didn’t understand why you cut off all contact. I thought… well, I thought that maybe you had never really felt the same way about me as I felt about you. At least now I know the truth. I know why you left me.’
‘Of course I felt the same way,’ I told him.
‘And you tried to tell me. I still don’t understand why I never got your letter, but I get why after I didn’t reply you didn’t try again.’ He sighed. ‘I love Izzy. Spending time with her has been really special. I have to focus on the future with her and not what I missed out on. I wasn’t sure that I would ever be able to forgive you when you told me but, I think, I already have.’
A sob escaped my throat.
‘And now you just need to forgive yourself,’ Drew whispered. He held out his arm and I leaned into him. His arms around me felt too good.
I lifted my head and was startled to see how close our faces were. ‘I wish I could turn back the clock. To ten years ago,’ I admitted. I wanted to tell him that I still felt the same way about him as I had then. Maybe even stronger and deeper because I knew how special the feeling was. ‘I wish we were still us,’ I said, before I could stop myself.
Drew’s eyes searched mine. Then his gaze shifted to my mouth. I found myself parting my lips. And then his lips were on mine. Hesitant. Soft. Just a brush before he pulled back to look at me again. I wanted to grab him. I wanted to kiss him harder, but when I leaned in towards him again, I heard music suddenly get louder and light flood out from the pub, and I froze. Drew turned around as a voice called out. A voice that reminded me we weren’t us any more. He was no longer mine and would never be.
Drew stood up abruptly. ‘I have to go,’ he said turning, and going to April.
I didn’t dare turn around to watch them, because I knew that if I did it would break my heart.
Chapter Forty-Four
I drained my glass of wine dry, got up and went back into the pub. I hated that our moment had been stolen but I also felt guilty. April was his girlfriend after all. I had a history with Drew, but it was clear he was in love with her, and even though he obviously still cared for me and seemed to have forgiven me for walking out of his life, I knew that was the end of it. We were drunk and had been talking about our daughter. That was the only reason he had kissed me. To make me feel better. I had been upset. I had to push the kiss out of my mind, and quickly.
I had to try, somehow, to move on from him.
‘You okay?’ Heather asked, breathlessly, coming back to the table when she spotted me there.
‘Yep,’ I lied, grabbing more wine and filling up my glass. I checked the time. ‘The minibus will be here in a minute, let’s round everyone up,’ I said, relieved that I could take action and not have to sit there any longer with my thoughts. We got up and told everyone that they were welcome back at Glendale Hall for the fireworks. When we finally got outside, the minibus was waiting and Hea
ther, Rory, Drew, April and I were joined by five others keen to come back with us.
Drew and April sat together, April leaning on his shoulder, and I turned to look out of the window, trying not to let them upset me. I had messed up everything between us ten years ago. I had to accept that we were in the past. All that mattered now was Izzy. I just wished my heart knew that and would stop racing at the memory of his lips on mine. The others talked, laughed and sang along to the radio, but I fixed my eyes on the rolling countryside and tried to ignore the fact that Drew kept looking at me.
I forced on a smile when we pulled into the driveway. I was determined not to start the new year on a downer.
* * *
‘Mum!’ Izzy ran from the garden to greet us, and she gave me a big hug. ‘Everything is ready,’ she said. ‘Hi, Dad,’ she greeted Drew. The word pierced my heart again. I slung an arm around her and walked back into the garden with her, conscious of Drew and April right behind us.
I paused in shock at the edge of the garden. It was completely full of people, all holding drinks and sparklers, the lights from the trail lighting up their smiling faces. It seemed like the whole village had come out for the night. I smiled despite myself. This was what I had hoped for when we created the trail. It proved there was a community very much alive in Glendale, and it was inspiring to see.
‘Wow,’ I said when Mum came over.
‘Isn’t it wonderful? Did you have a nice time?’ Mum asked.
I nodded, not trusting myself to answer aloud. ‘Gran wasn’t up to coming out?’
Coming Home to Glendale Hall Page 22
