We sat in silence for a moment, both lost in thought then Mum turned to me again. ‘How do you feel about Drew going?’
I shook my head. ‘I don’t know. We kissed at the Hogmanay party. I don’t know what would have happened next, but April was there. I hate the idea of him going back to Boston with her. I hope that he’ll take the job in Scotland, for Izzy’s sake, but it will be hard to see him building a life here with April.’
‘Why don’t you tell him that? Tell him how you feel?’
‘I feel like I missed my chance, Mum. I left him ten years ago. I can’t ask him to choose me again. What if something else happens? What if I end up running again?’ That, I realised, was what I was really scared about. In my heart, I did know what I wanted to do next, but it scared the hell out of me. What if I couldn’t stick to it? What if I ended up running back to London? I didn’t want to hurt anyone again.
Mum looked at me. ‘You haven’t run from anything that’s hard before. You raised your daughter by yourself in the city. That’s something to be proud of. You’re strong, my darling. You can handle anything. I could never have handled being a single mother but look at what a good mother you’ve been to Izzy. Don’t sell yourself short – whatever you decide to do, you can do it. You’ve proved that over and over again. You just need to make the choice that you want to make.’
Mum stood up then. ‘It’s late, I’m going to turn in.’ Her eyes fell on the still-sealed envelope on the coffee table. ‘Read the letter, don’t hide from that. I think it will help you know what to do next. And you’re not alone any more, Beth, remember that.’ She leaned down to kiss me. ‘Good night.’
‘Night, Mum,’ I mumbled back, my eyes on the envelope and my mind and heart full of what she had just said to me. ‘Rip off the plaster,’ I said aloud to myself and grabbed the envelope. I ripped it open, before I could chicken out any longer, and read my gran’s last words.
The first part explained what she had done in the past as she hadn’t known if she would get a chance to ever tell me in person. I skipped those lines. We had talked about it, and let it go, and I didn’t want to dwell on it again.
And then she explained why she had given me what she had in her will.
I am so so sorry. I thought about how I could try to make it up to you and the only thing I could think of was to give you the chance to come back home. To be where you belong. Beth, Glendale Hall is now yours. I want you to be its keeper and pass it down to Isabelle. I don’t want you to sell it. That’s the only thing I ask of you, and to let your parents stay there as long as they want to, of course. My hope is that you might come back to live here, and that you can be a family again years after I stole that from you all.
I have divided my estate between you and Caroline. I have a lot of money and it’s sitting in the bank doing nothing. I know that you can do something with it. I watched you walk away from all of your dreams as a teenager, and I want to give them back to you. Do it for that sixteen-year-old girl, do it for the woman you are now, and I ask that you do it for me too. I never had the courage to go after my dreams. I was content to be a wife and a mother, to stay at the Hall, and live a quiet life. You have never done that. I am envious and proud of the woman you are now. Please take what I want to give you and live the life that you want to live.
I hope that I will get to see whatever it is that you do next from wherever I am going next. Know that I lost myself the day you left, and by giving you this, I hope to find myself again.
All my love,
Your grandmother
Margaret MacKenzie
I clutched her letter to my chest, my eyes blurring from unshed tears. I sat there for most of the night, thinking, trying to let go of the past as I attempted to choose my future.
Chapter Forty-Nine
I pulled up outside the farm to collect Izzy from her sleepover at Drew’s. The morning was grey and drizzly, perfectly matching my mood. I had been awake half of the night rereading Gran’s letter over and over again.
Climbing out of the car, I walked quickly towards the front door, wishing that the letter hadn’t left me so confused. I understood why Gran had left me what she had, and I wanted to do something special with it. It wasn’t just about making my dreams come true though. I wanted to do that, yes. But I also wanted to make Izzy’s come true too. I knew that Gran had been right: I needed to live the life that we both wanted. First though I needed courage to say aloud the life I wanted, and then I needed courage to do it.
‘Hi,’ Drew said as he swung the door open. He wore a cosy jumper and jeans, his hair still damp from the shower. ‘Izzy and April are out in the field with Rory helping him feed the animals,’ he said, stepping back to let me inside.
‘Oh, okay,’ I said, wishing then that I hadn’t left the Hall as early as I had, but I’d wanted to see Izzy and start talking about our future together.
‘Coffee?’
‘Sure.’ I followed him into the kitchen and slipped off my coat, sitting down as Drew made me a coffee and himself a tea. ‘Not long until your flight now,’ I said, for something to say.
‘Tomorrow,’ he agreed, bringing our drinks over. ‘I can’t believe it’s that time already. I wish I didn’t have to go back. I think April feels the same way.’
‘Oh? So, she’s coming even more round to idea of moving here?’ I took a sip of the coffee, hoping it would revive me a little.
‘I think so. But, hey, enough about us – how are you doing?’ he asked, touching my hand briefly from across the table.
I flinched a little at his touch. ‘I really don’t know. My gran – she left me an inheritance, and I’m trying to work out what I’m going to do with it all, to be honest.’
‘Wow, really? That’s great. Not that it changes the fact she’s gone, of course, but I’m glad she left you something.’ He gave me a meaningful look.
‘I think it was to try to make up for the past,’ I said, knowing what he was getting at. ‘It could change everything. If I want it to.’
‘You don’t want it to?’
‘I do but it’s scary, change, isn’t it? It would be a big change for not just me but Izzy too. I want to make sure I do the right thing. I feel like it’s a big responsibility, you know? She left me… a lot,’ I said. I looked at him. ‘And she left me the Hall.’
Drew’s eyebrow shot up. ‘Wow. That’s huge. Beth, I’m happy for you. You deserve it.’
I smiled. ‘I never thought I’d leave London, you know? But, Izzy, she really loves it here and now we have this gift from Gran. But it would mean upheaving our whole life and starting all over again.’
Drew nodded. ‘I get it. Look at me, I’m still undecided about what to do next, but knowing that you and Izzy might be here… I mean, how perfect would it be for the three of us to be living in Scotland together?’
I smiled but then I remembered. ‘And April too,’ I said, trying to hide my face in the coffee cup as I took a long gulp.
Drew looked down at his mug. ‘April too. Do you ever worry that life is just moving ahead, at full throttle, and you’re not sure if you want to stay on for the ride or just take a big leap off and run away?’
‘Of course I do,’ I replied, trying to ignore the flare of hope in my heart that he was talking about April. ‘I’ve been there, done that and got the T-shirt. That’s why I want to make sure I do the best thing this time around, you know? Gran has given me this huge opportunity, and I want to make sure that I make the most of it.’
‘You will.’ He smiled. ‘I just wish I had the same faith in myself.’
I knew I had to say something despite the fact I had told myself to be okay with him and April. ‘Drew, if you’re not happy then you really should do something about it. You told me that I shouldn’t ignore my passion for gardening and just go back to my office job, didn’t you? You said I should follow my passion and you were right. That’s want I want to do now. Follow my heart. But you should follow your own advice too.’ I touched his h
and then. ‘Do what is going to make you happy.’
He nodded, and he took my hand in his and squeezed it. A current of electricity ran through my hand and up my body. ‘Can we talk about what happened? At New Year? Between us?’
Why did it sound so good to hear him use the word ‘us’? I took a deep breath. I needed to tell him how I felt. Then he could make his choice. If I didn’t then I’d always regret it. ‘Drew, that night was—’
The back door burst open then, stopping me in my tracks. Drew and I pulled apart as if a spell had suddenly been broken. Izzy marched into the kitchen followed by April, who paused when she saw us at the table. Izzy rushed over to me. ‘Mum, Rory let me feed the horses today.’
‘That’s great,’ I said, giving her a hug. I glanced at Drew. I knew I couldn’t say any more to him then and I didn’t know if I ever would be able to. Maybe it was best for us to just go. ‘Are you ready to head off?’
‘I’ll get my things,’ she said, dashing off again. I smiled at how carefree she had become lately; it was lovely to see.
April went to Drew and wrapped her arms around his neck. ‘She was so sweet with the horses, such a cutie,’ she said, smiling down at him before glancing at me. ‘She loves it here. Oh, Iz asked if I would send her a postcard from Boston,’ she said, letting Drew go and grabbing a notebook and pen. ‘Can you write down your address in London, Beth?’
‘Well, it might be better to send it here actually,’ I said, glancing at Drew before writing the address down.
‘Oh, okay,’ April said. She leaned over the table, watching me. ‘Oh, you don’t do stars over your I’s any more, then?’ she asked, in a slightly mocking tone. ‘I guess it was best to grow out of that, wasn’t it?’
I stopped writing and looked up at her. ‘How do you know I used to write stars over my name?’ I asked, frowning at the smug smile on her face.
April straightened up, and her eyes darted to Drew, then back to me. Her cheeks flamed red. ‘Oh, I didn’t. I mean, I assumed… you know?’
‘Not really, no,’ I replied. I wondered why she looked so scared suddenly. ‘Why would you assume that?’
‘You did,’ Drew said then, slowly. ‘I remember… you always drew stars over your I’s; I used to tease you about it,’ he said. He looked up at April, questioningly.
‘Lots of girls do that,’ she said, crossing her arms over her chest, suddenly defensive.
I looked down at the address I had written. ‘No, not really. A lot of girls drew hearts at school but that’s why I drew stars. I liked to be different.’ I had always done stars, but I had stopped after I had Izzy. Precisely a year after actually. When the last letter I wrote never got answered. The letter I wrote to Drew at university. ‘Did you see my letter?’ I asked April.
‘What letter?’ she said but her face fell. She knew that I had worked it out.
‘The letter I wrote to Drew when Izzy was one. The letter I sent to him at university telling him about our baby. The one he never got,’ I replied.
Drew stared at her. ‘April, did you see her letter?’
‘I don’t know… maybe. What difference does it make? It was years ago!’
‘What happened to that letter, April?’ Drew’s voice had a dangerous edge to it.
April noticed and stepped away from the table, her arms falling helplessly to her sides. ‘Why is it always about her, Drew? Ever since I met you, she’s been there – this cloud over us, one that you can’t let go of, even now!’ She burst the words out as if she had been keeping them inside for years. It appeared that she had done exactly just that.
‘What did you do with the letter, April?’ Drew stood up then.
April’s face twisted into a pleading expression. ‘Drew, baby, I had no idea what was in that letter. How could I? All I knew was that you were heartbroken over this girl from home, and you kept telling me that you couldn’t be with me because of her,’ she said, choking back a sob at the end. ‘When I saw the letter, I saw her name and address on the outside, and I don’t know, I thought that you’d be better off if you didn’t have to read her excuses.’ She started crying properly then. ‘I loved you. I’m sorry. I was just trying to help you.’
‘What did you do with the letter, April?’ Drew said again, his voice louder and harder than I had ever heard it. I held my breath.
April covered her face with her hands, sobbing into them. ‘I t… t… threw it away,’ she choked out in the end.
Chapter Fifty
‘Are you okay, April?’
I turned around to see Izzy in the doorway, her bag in her hand, frowning in confusion at the sight of April in tears, Drew stood by, just staring at her then at me sat dumbfounded at the table. I couldn’t believe that she was the one who had stopped Drew getting my letter. I looked at Izzy and couldn’t help but see the ten years that he had missed flash before my eyes. I stood up abruptly, my chair squeaking against the tiles. I really didn’t want to be in the same room with that woman much longer. ‘She’s fine, Iz,’ I said, firmly, not wanting Izzy to know what was going on.
My voice shook Drew out of his trance. He turned to us. ‘You guys should head off.’
‘Are you sure?’ I asked him, trying to ignore April’s sniffling. I searched his face. He looked shocked and betrayed, but he nodded at me. I didn’t know where any of us went from here, but whatever happened, the two of them needed to talk. Even though curiosity burned inside me, wanting to know what Drew thought about what April had done, what it meant not only for the two of them but for us as well, I knew that we couldn’t stay. ‘Right, come on, Iz.’ I went to her in the doorway.
‘But…’
April looked up then, taking her hand from her face. ‘I’m okay, Iz,’ she said, trying to wipe her eyes. ‘Just upset about going home,’ she lied, and I was grateful that she was trying to put a brave face on things for Izzy. I realised then this could well be the last time we saw them before their flight back to Boston.
‘I’ll see you out,’ Drew said, seemingly realising that too. Izzy looked unsure but I steered her out with us into the hallway.
‘When will I see you again?’ Izzy asked Drew then, her lower lip trembling a little. He wrapped his arms around her, his eyes meeting mine behind her. I really wasn’t sure what he was thinking. I was still stunned by April’s revelation, so I couldn’t imagine how he was feeling.
‘I’ll be back for your great-grandmother’s funeral. I promised you that,’ he replied, squeezing her tightly.
I looked away, a lump rising in my throat. Even though he wouldn’t be gone that long, he was leaving Glendale and before I had a chance to tell him how I felt. I knew it wasn’t the right time after what April had told him. They had to work that out, but I still wanted to throw my arms around him and beg him to stay.
‘This Christmas has been the best one ever,’ Izzy declared when they let each other go. ‘Hasn’t it, Mum?’
Their eyes on me, I forced on a smile. ‘It has.’ I walked towards the door, pausing in front of Drew. ‘I’ll see you then?’
He leaned down and kissed me gently on my cheek, rubbing my back as he did so. ‘Take care, Beth.’
‘You too.’ I let myself meet his eyes. ‘If you need to talk…’ He just nodded. ‘Right, let’s go home then,’ I said brightly to Izzy, putting an arm around her. I looked back, once, at Drew, leaning against the doorframe watching us go, and I hoped he would be okay. Izzy waved to him, and he lifted one hand in return.
‘Will April come to the funeral too?’ Izzy asked me as we walked to our car.
‘I don’t know,’ I replied, honestly. When I opened the car door, I glanced back again but Drew had gone. All I could hope was that when we saw him in a week, I could finally get a chance to tell him that he was still the love of my life; but until then, I had some big life decisions to make, and it looked like he did too.
* * *
My mum and I stepped out into the frost-covered garden of Glendale Hall early in the morning. J
anuary was off to a bitter cold start. I needed to speak to her, and I always felt more comfortable out in the garden, as if the ground beneath my feet gave me greater strength. The sky above us was crisp and clear and we could see our breath in the air. We walked briskly away from the house and across the lawn which crunched under our feet. ‘I was thinking about what Gran said in her letter,’ I said, breaking our silence. ‘That she wanted me to go after my dreams now. I suppose after having Izzy I did have to let go of some of the things I had wanted to do. Gran wants me to do them now.’ I turned to look back at the kitchen, where Izzy was having her breakfast. I still found it hard to believe that the house and the garden we were walking in now belonged to me.
Mum nodded. ‘I think she wanted to give you back all the opportunities you lost back then.’ She hooked her arm through mine. ‘Do you want to tell me what you want to do? Have you already decided?’
‘I do want to go after my dreams, but most of all, I want Izzy to be happy. It’s clear that she was struggling in London, and she loves it up here. Being here has reminded me how much I love gardening and how I do wish I could do something that I’m passionate about. It’s also showed me that I love the village and the community spirit here; I really want to help Glendale. So, I have come up with an idea that I want to run past you.’ I was nervous about what she would think. I wanted to do something special with my inheritance, but I needed my mum to be on board too. ‘You and Heather have hopefully found a way we can save the library – by going for the extra funding and doing more to involve the community. I think Heather has a great chance of persuading the council to rethink their plans, but I thought we could give them further incentive. I’m still worried they are attracted by the offer from New Horizons to buy the high street. We already know that they won’t budge on the rents that they were charging. I know we talked about a profit share scheme, but what I thought we could do is put together my money and yours and make our own offer to buy the premises on the high street from the council.’ I glanced at my mum who looked surprised but gestured for me to continue. ‘As owners of the buildings, we could then offer the premises to the people who told us they wanted to open up a shop, and give them discounted rents to get going, or take a percentage of their profits instead. And you could open up your own shop, like you wanted. The council would not only get money for the properties but as they’d still be shops, they would get business rates too so they’d end up making more than if they let the buildings be turned into flats, plus they would be keeping the community happy.’
Coming Home to Glendale Hall Page 25
