I stared at her. It felt as if I had been fighting my feelings for Drew ever since I walked into this pub and saw him before Christmas. But maybe it wasn’t something I should have been trying to fight, but something that I should be grabbing hold of with both hands. Maybe when it was right, you did just know it. Maybe I did know it and that’s why I was so scared.
Because if I told Drew how I felt it would mean that I could finally stop running.
Chapter Fifty-Seven
The day of the funeral arrived. It should have been grey and raining to fit our mood, but it dawned crisp and sunny. I glanced out at the garden as the sun shone down on the dew covering the grass, sipping my coffee, waiting for everyone to be ready. I hadn’t been able to sleep and had got up and dressed early, suitably sombre all in black. The doorbell rang out in the silence, so I went to answer it, and in the driveway stood the hearse and a sleek black car hired to drive us to the church. White lilies were draped over the coffin. My gran’s favourite flowers. They had always stood in a large vase in the hallway when I was growing up.
‘It’s time to go,’ I called up the stairs, my voice echoing in the large hall. I watched as Izzy hurried down in her black dress I had bought her in town, followed by Sally and my mum. I pulled Izzy to me. ‘You going to be okay?’ I asked her. I didn’t relish the fact that it would be the first funeral she had attended, but she had told me she wanted to be there to look after us, which was so like my daughter I had almost burst into tears.
She nodded. ‘Are you?’
‘I will be,’ I promised. There was no point in pretending that this day wasn’t going to be difficult. For all of us. I took Izzy’s hand, and with my other, I took my mum’s. We walked slowly out of the house to the waiting car, pausing at the hearse. It was surreal to think of my gran inside it, so I decided not to. I would picture her sweeping down the staircase at the Hall, instead, in one of her expensive suits, her pearls around her neck, a cloud of Chanel following her, telling me to walk like a lady down the stairs and not to slide down the banister.
I had always ignored her.
The short drive to the village was over in a blink. Outside the church, my dad waited in his dark suit, people were filing past him, the sun shining down on them.
‘She would be pleased by the turnout,’ Mum said as we climbed out and Reverend Brodie stepped forward to greet us. I knew that the people in the church were all there out of respect for my family and that made me feel proud. We were part of Glendale and that was important. More than I had ever realised before.
We walked into the church, along the aisle to the pew at the front, passing by familiar faces. Heather gave me a small wave. Beside her was her father and in front of them was Rory, and my eyes met Drew’s next to them. There was no sign of April. Drew smiled a little at us, and Izzy waved to him. I was grateful to him for coming. More than he probably knew.
I looked at the front where a large photograph was propped up on a stand. It was one of my gran and my mum outside Glendale Hall, my mum holding me as a baby in her arms, the smiles wide on their faces. I felt my breath catch in my throat.
The service was suitably grand for Margaret MacKenzie. The hymns and readings part of her preferred list. My dad read a poem and then it was my turn to talk about forgiveness. I managed to read it without crying but then my mum got up to speak. She didn’t waver once as she talked about her own mother, her voice strong in the silent church. ‘Family was the most important thing to my mother,’ she said, her eyes finding us in the front pew. ‘Sometimes to extremes. But she did the things she did because she was fiercely proud of us and wanted us to be the best people that we could be. She wanted us to do everything that she had been unable to do. And for us to always remember to show the people we love how we feel before it’s too late. That is her legacy. One that I hope none of us ever forget.’
A tear rolled down my cheek then. I cried for who my gran had been, for who she could have been, all we had but, mostly, for what we could have had.
I felt Izzy take hold of my hand and squeeze it tightly. My mum had been right about Gran’s legacy. I wanted to do all I could to be there for the people I loved. I glanced back and met Drew’s eyes. He was looking at us, his eyes filled with tears.
My mum took Izzy’s other hand, and the three of us sat like that until the Reverend Brodie ended the service, the organ playing as we filed out of the church. Margaret MacKenzie was at peace, her last wish realised – her family all together again.
We drove back to the Hall, where the caterers had laid out a buffet on the long kitchen table and had begun serving drinks in their black outfits, as more and more people came inside, over spilling into the drawing room where we had placed extra chairs.
Drew found me and Izzy in the kitchen. I tried not to notice how handsome he looked in his suit as he gave Izzy a huge hug after she had launched herself into his arms. He turned to me and held out his arms. I stepped into them gratefully, letting him hold me, wishing he would never let go.
‘It was a lovely service,’ he said when we pulled apart. ‘How are you doing?’
‘I’m just glad we’re here. And that I got to say goodbye to her. We put the past to rest. There’s nothing to regret. And what my mum said about us doing everything that my gran wasn’t able to do, I really want to do that.’
‘You will,’ he said. ‘Can we talk later?’ he asked then.
‘Sure,’ I replied. I looked across the room at my mum. ‘I better go and see if she’s okay. You guys stick together.’ I watched Drew wrap his arms around Izzy and relief surged through me that he was here. It felt like everything was easier to handle with him here. I had spent so many years handling everything alone that it was such a relief he was here to lean on, for both me and Izzy. The two of them had already developed such a good relationship, and I was so grateful that he had come back to support us. I wondered what he wanted to talk about, but I tried to push it to the back of my mind. I had to focus on getting my mum through the wake. She needed me. And I knew Izzy would be just fine with Drew so I could focus on taking care of her.
Looking around, it felt as if the whole of Glendale was at the Hall. I saw people that I hadn’t seen since I was Izzy’s age, all wanting to know about my life in London, not knowing that I’d be leaving that behind me soon.
Somehow my gran had made that happen, and I decided that would be what I remembered her for. Not the mistakes she made in the past but how she made up for them. After all, my mum was right about what she said in the church – we had to show the people we loved how we felt. Gran had managed to do that in the end, but I knew she would have been much happier if she had done that sooner.
* * *
It was late when the last of our houseguests left. The caterers had gone, sweeping away all remnants of the food and drink. My dad left for his hotel. John had retired to his cottage, Sally and my mum went to their rooms, and I took Izzy to bed. She was exhausted and was asleep as soon as I tucked her in. After I shut her door I went along to my mum’s room. She was sat up in bed and smiled when I went in.
‘She had a good send-off, didn’t she?’ I said, leaning against the doorframe.
She nodded. ‘It was what she had wanted. I still can’t believe that she’s gone. Every time I walk past her room, I have to stop myself from looking in to check on her. She was ill for so long it feels strange not to be looking after her any more.’
‘You looked after her so well,’ I said. ‘Her last days were as comfortable as they could have been, Mum.’
‘She always told me that she wanted to live her last days here. I hated that she had to go to hospital at the end.’ A tear rolled down her cheek.
I went over and perched next to her, squeezing her hand. ‘She had a fall. It was no one’s fault. She got to stay here for as long as was possible. She got to be with her family at the end. You did everything that you could.’
‘It just feels so strange to be here without her. She hardly spent any night
s away from the Hall. Sometimes I even wondered if she loved this house more than me.’ Mum shook her head with a smile.
‘She only loved this house so much because you were here,’ I replied. My gran had found it difficult to show affection, that was true, and my mum had been the same, but I knew that deep down they had fiercely loved their family and that was why the house meant so much to them.
‘And now she’s passed it on to you,’ Mum said. ‘I’m so happy you’ll be here now.’
‘Me too. And Izzy is so excited. Although she’d like us to build a library for her.’
Mum chuckled. ‘Tell her she has to use the one in Glendale to keep it open. I’m so tired.’
‘It’s been an emotional day.’ I stood up and leaned over her to kiss her on the cheek. ‘Get some rest.’
‘Thank you for your support today, darling. I know it wasn’t easy, for any of us, but it’s done. We can look forward now.’
‘We will,’ I promised.
Chapter Fifty-Eight
And then it was just me and Drew. We sat at the kitchen table with a glass of the family whiskey in front of us. I wasn’t really a fan of it but it felt like the appropriate drink for us to end this day.
‘To Gran,’ I said, raising my glass. Drew clinked his against it and we both took a gulp. I winced as it burned down my throat. ‘Thank you for coming today,’ I said. ‘I really appreciate it. I’m glad there was such a good turnout. I wish Gran could have seen that.’
‘I think she would have been proud.’ Drew took another sip of his drink. ‘Funerals really do make you think about time, don’t they? How fleeting it can all be. None of us know what will happen.’
‘I suppose all we can do is try to make the most of whatever time we do have. I feel a bit like I’ve been sleepwalking through life, just getting through each day which sometimes is all you can do, but being up here, I’ve been able to look up and take stock and think about what I want to do.’
‘I kind of envy how you know what you want to do,’ Drew admitted. ‘I feel a bit stuck right now.’
‘What happened with April?’ I felt brave enough to finally ask him.
‘She’s gone to stay with her parent’s. We’re talking but I don’t know, Beth. How can I ever trust her again? Yeah, she didn’t know what was in your letter, but she guessed it was something important, something that might make me feel differently about her, and she chose to destroy it and not let me read it and make my own choice. She took Izzy away from me.’ He sighed. ‘She keeps begging me to forgive her, telling me she only did it because she was in love with me and I couldn’t let go of the past.’ He met my gaze. ‘Let go of you.’
‘I’m sorry, Drew. What are you going to do?’ I didn’t want to pin my hopes on them splitting up. I wanted to be okay if Drew chose her. If he was just a friend to me, and Izzy’s dad. I was happy he was in my life whatever happened, but I couldn’t deny how much I wanted more. But how could I tell him that? I didn’t want to burden him with another choice to make. And I was scared, too. What if he had already let me go?
‘I’m going to my job interview tomorrow and then I’m going to decide if I want to come back to Scotland. And then I’ll tell her what I want. It’s good to have this time away, to get some space. It’s hard to think when she’s there telling me how much she needs me. We’ve been together a long time, but I never felt ready to take the next step, you know? Marriage. I never felt ready. Maybe that’s because she’s not the right person. Do you think you just know when it’s right?’
I thought about the men that I had met over the past ten years. I had known almost immediately that it wasn’t right with them. When I kissed Drew at New Year, my heart had known he was the right one. But obviously he hadn’t felt the same. I looked down at the brandy and swished it around in the glass. ‘Yeah, I do.’
‘That’s what I thought. Honestly, I think you have the right idea. Relationships feel more trouble than they’re worth right now. I want to do what’s right for me, what I want, like you’re doing. I don’t know if that’s selfish.’
His words stung. ‘Sometimes you have to be a little bit selfish. To follow your heart. In the long run if you don’t, you’ll just cause even more hurt. You know?’
Drew nodded. ‘I know. When did you get so wise, huh?’ He smiled a little.
‘I don’t think I’m wise at all,’ I replied. If I was wise, I would have stopped loving Drew. But I couldn’t.
‘It would be crazy, wouldn’t it, for us both to come back here after all this time? But, I don’t know, it feels like something is pulling me back. Is that how you feel?’
I looked up. ‘It is.’
Drew held my gaze. I wished I knew what he was thinking. I wished I could tell him what I was thinking. Then he glanced at his watch. ‘I should go, it’s late. After my interview, can we all do something? You, me and Izzy.’
‘I’d like that,’ I said. I drained my glass dry.
He smiled. ‘Good. And, Beth? Thank you for listening.’
I forced myself to smile back. ‘Any time.’
* * *
I woke up when it was still dark outside and switched on my bedside lamp. I had fallen asleep with the college brochure Heather had given me on my lap. I looked at it now, on the page for the courses in horticulture. There was a night course that I wanted to sign up to, starting in March. I was nervous about going back to school, it had been ten years since I had studied anything, but it helped to know that Heather would be going back as well. There was so much to sort out before all that though. I was beginning to feel anxious about it all. I picked up the notebook I had been writing things down in. We would soon be heading back to London and I had to hand in my notice, talk to my landlord, pack up our flat, say goodbye to everyone we knew there and get Izzy a place at my old school in Glendale.
Before all of that, though, we could have the decision from the council at any time and we would know if our plans to reopen the high street would be getting the go-ahead. And I didn’t even want to think about Drew on top of all of that.
Sighing, I climbed out of bed and padded downstairs softly as the house was so quiet. I was in dire need of a strong coffee. When I walked into the kitchen, Sally was there already, pouring herself a cup. ‘Do you ever sleep?’ I asked her, shaking my head.
‘I like getting up early, having a few minutes to myself. Want a cup?’ She brought over two steaming mugs of black coffee and we sat down at the table. ‘How about you? Why are you up?’
‘Too much on my mind, I suppose,’ I said, taking a sip of my coffee.
‘I thought you were excited about moving back. Are you worried about it now?’
‘Not worried exactly. There is just so much to sort out. I just want to get it all done and start our new life up here.’ I sighed. ‘We’re going out with Drew later.’
‘You’re hoping he’s going to be moving back too?’
I shrugged although she was giving me a shrewd look. ‘For Izzy, yes.’
‘Oh, Beth. I can see the way you look at him. Exactly as you used to do when you were a teenager. You were head over heels for that boy. He’s turned into a good man. And you still love him. Why won’t you tell him how you feel?’
‘I’m scared,’ I admitted. ‘Scared he doesn’t feel the same way. But also worried if he does. What if it didn’t work out? Izzy would be devastated. I don’t want to make another mistake,’ I told her truthfully.
‘Mistakes aren’t something to worry about, it’s what you do after you make them that counts. You should know that better than anyone. If it wasn’t scary then it wouldn’t be worth doing in the first place, would it now?’
I looked out at the garden, a glimpse of light appearing in the sky, wishing that Sally wasn’t right but I knew that she was.
Chapter Fifty-Nine
Drew picked us up and told us he was taking us somewhere for a surprise. We drove for a half an hour before we pulled into the car park, where a large sign for the ‘Botanica
l Gardens’ greeted us and made me smile.
‘What do you think?’ he asked me as he stopped the car.
‘I love it here,’ I replied. I was taken instantly back to when I was fourteen and I had asked John if he thought I’d be able to make gardening my job. He had driven us to the gardens and talked to me about all the different things I could do in gardening. I was in awe of how they had created such a beautiful garden and all the work that had gone into it. I knew I’d love to work somewhere like that. ‘I haven’t been here in years.’
‘I remembered you telling me that this was one of your favourite places ever,’ Drew said as we climbed out of the car. I was amazed that he had remembered that. ‘I thought it would be the perfect day out for us. Especially as it’s meant to stay dry.’
The January weather did indeed seem to be behaving itself, the sky clear and blue, as we walked into the garden. Izzy was looking less keen about Drew’s choice of outing but happy enough because she was with the two of us. I betted I would end up having to buy her something in the gift shop afterwards as compensation though.
‘How did your interview go?’ I asked him as we entered the outside garden area where a stream ran alongside a beautiful lawn, Izzy skipping on ahead of us.
‘It went well. I like the hospital. And the team there. Plus, they do a lot of research, which interests me,’ he replied. ‘I have a lot to think about.’
‘Can we go in there?’ Izzy called back, pointing to the glasshouse. The breeze had started to blow up and I could see my breath in the air, so we eagerly went into the tropical warmth, exotic plants towering over us, being dusted with water mist.
Coming Home to Glendale Hall Page 29
