Avalon Expandable Heart: The Wild Heart Series

by Shantelle McKinnon

  “I want those women to succeed, to heal, Seth, if someone can do that better than me that is acceptable. But Avalon is a young girl that lacks experience outside of her farm, just a way with words and that combination can be, and has been proven to be, dangerous. Dangerous for all involved, especially, those who are pulled from their paths by the vortex those people seem to possess.”

  Ha, Vortex would be a good name for a horse.

  “You don’t get her, Mum, Av wants everyone to have a dream, she bloody loves dreams. She’s all ‘dreams this, dreams that!’ There is no way that she would ever pull anyone from their dream path. She’d help them get there if anything.”

  I feel a sense of pride for Seth, he is so different from when I met him. He’s thinking about stuff. I hope that I can convince Noah to let Seth know that he has a sibling. Looking around Seth’s room which is crammed with surf posters, posters of girls in bikinis, waves and has surfboards stacked around the walls I wonder what their sibling is like. I muse what Noah’s bedroom is like.

  Jennifer obviously doesn’t believe I’m the way Seth sees me, though. I do sound pretty good! “Seth, that is a prime example of the ‘change of perspective’ that happens when you are influenced by these sorts of people. Things that would never have been accepted begin to be. Hitler is an extreme yet prime example-”

  She doesn’t get to finish why I’m likened to Hitler because Seth breaks out into a bout of harsh laughter.

  “Avalon is nothing like Hitler! God, what the hell have you been drinking with your esteemed colleagues? I’ve got to go anyway,” he shakes his head and looks out the window. I move slightly into the rectangle of light. Our eyes meet and I can’t help but grin at him. He lifts one finger surreptitiously to his cheek to indicate he’ll be another minute.

  “Seth, you are my son. I love you, I only want the best for you and as a parent with experience in more aspects of the human psyche than you, I am telling you, for your own good, to distance yourself from Avalon. You’ve worked extremely hard for your dream; you are on your way. Everyone agrees. One hesitation or provocation to the wrong person could cost you everything, a chance to get to the top. All for someone that is going back in a few months. Just think on it, Seth, and remember, that she is going back.”

  “Nothing is set in stone, Mum,” Seth’s eyes don’t leave mine. I’m going back Seth, of that there is no doubt.

  Jennifer rises, “You’re correct, nothing is. Thank you for sitting in for one course of dinner with our guests. I’m sure if you think about what I have said tonight and want to query my validity, any of those colleagues and academics out there would be more than happy to assist you with any questions you may have. I love you, Seth. Have a good night.”

  “Yeah, thanks,” Seth rolls his eyes before turning his back on me to close the door after his mother.

  He pulls open the window. “Hi, Hitler,” he shakes his head again. “My mum... your mum... what the hell have you put in their drinking water?” he teases as he slips down from the windowsill.

  I can’t help it, the old arrogant, selfish Seth has just defended me against his mother, I hug him. He hugs me back with no qualms, no hesitation. It’s nice.

  Leaning back, I give him an evil villain look, “I didn’t put anything in their drinking water per se...”

  He frowns and narrows his eyes. “What does that mean? Bloody hell Av, I know that voice now. What did you do?”

  What’s with everyone asking me that?

  “How long did it take for you to respond to those tablets I gave you that time at dinner?” I pick at something on my top.

  His face pales. “No way, you gave Viagra to my mother’s guests?”

  I merely look at him until he grabs my arms and drags me around the house until we are peering in through the window at the dinner table.

  He keeps repeating, ‘She gave my mum’s guests Viagra.’ Over and over. Jennifer is digging greedily into a piece now. Oops. I can’t help but yawn, repeatedly.

  Finally, he turns to me. “I was so pissed off with mum dragging me away from your fear fire thing, I swear I had to sit at that table with them while they fired question after question about you at me. This is the best revenge, Av!”

  “You don’t like them?” I asked surprised. I mean, I realise I was kind of lost in thought about the farm and Noah when I walked in, and my dad’s sentiments took over without me even giving a thought to question them. I guess Jennifer is right in a way, I do just react.

  “Some of them are fine, nice, whatever, but sometimes I feel with some of them that they are studying every move I make to document in a paper or something. It’s uncomfortable and I wonder if they are classifying me as insane or deranged when I speak.”

  I laugh, “You’re deranged just accept it.”

  “Do you reckon being deranged qualifies me to handle a ‘wild, vigilante, Hitler’?” he pokes me in the side.

  “Nope,” I pull out the Viagra free pavlova. “But it allows you to join my party!”

  “We are going to party together?” Seth’s eyes widen and his breath hitches.

  I hit him.

  We end up sitting back on the grass out of sight, eating while watching for signs of any ancient awakenings.

  “I’m sorry, Av,” Seth whispers suddenly.

  “What for?”

  “For trying to put the moves on you before, I never would have guessed that you went through that stuff,” he turns to look at me, his blue eyes warm and gentle. “Although there is nothing I would like more than ... well more, I’m happy just to be...” he gestures between us. “This, until you say the word.”

  I smile at him before looking into the window, the big guy with the combed-over white hair in the blue suit has moved closer to the woman in the pinstripe pants. She’s giggling. I mull over his words, ‘until you say the word,’ I’m too tired to think. I must be because soon as Seth said that I started to look at him differently.

  “What was your first kiss like?” I ask.

  “You reckon that tonight is going to be his first kiss?” Seth chuckles watching the guests get closer. “I agree and predict that his first kiss will probably be as crap as mine and eighty-five per cent of the kissed population.”

  I scrunch my face up as I turn to him, “Aren’t first kisses supposed to be awesome or memorable or...something?”

  “Memorable if you want to remember yourself kissing someone like a goldfish with Botox,” he groans leaning back. “I remember the girl’s skin below her lip was practically chaffed from where I had gone at it.”

  I chuckle at the visual, shocked that Seth is not telling me he won an award or something for his first kiss being so ridiculously perfect. “I’m amazing now, in case you’re wondering,” he drawls. I roll my eyes, didn’t last long. “But I was thinking about it before, once a girl said to me, even though you may have kissed a million times, a first kiss happens only when you really feel something for someone. I thought it was bullshit, but now I think there may be some truth to it.” He turns to me pointing a finger caked with pavlova. “Are you sure you didn’t put something on this, I’m talking like a girl!”

  I yawn again in answer and rest my head on his shoulder.

  “Let’s go, Hitler, you look stuffed.” He stands and then pulls me up. “On the way, just try to stay awake long enough to tell me how to look out for a sick horse. I bought stuff for me to do tonight to keep myself awake watching Outlaw while you have a sleep, you look like death warmed up.”

  “You’re going to watch Outlaw?” I stare at him.

  “He doesn’t bite, does he?” he winks at me and as we pass the light of another window he suddenly resembles a blonde-haired golden angel.

  CAtching cold

  Noah

  I’ve gone so cold, gone so deep into that place my insides feel brittle… totally frozen.

  The colossal fight over. The strongest part of me, the fittest due to the constant use, has won over that small spark that seems so lon
g gone and doused to ash now. So depraved.

  And even though I’m cold and numb, the triangles of fabric still tied around my chest seemed to be filled with a heat that won’t be extinguished. That warmth won’t let me find the contentment and focus that I normally find here. I’m kept getting drawn into thinking of her, of tonight, of her warmth in my arms.

  She was going to kiss me, she wanted to!

  Part of me rejoiced, the other part recoiled. My father’s face forms in front of my eyes again as clear as day as it did with her, his commands repeating over and over again. All women are the same, do not trust them. Do not let them touch you. They pretend to want you…

  As soon as her body touched mine and I knew she was seeing me that way, my body went into overdrive, I wanted her so badly but I was hyper inside, and I was absolutely certain I would have hurt her, there was no way I could contain that raging part clawing my insides. I imagined biting savagely down on her lips. I just couldn’t be near her. To hurt her would be worse than anything. I close my eyes and wince at how deep my father’s rules are implanted in my every fiber. It’s fucking ridiculous.

  For the first time since it all happened, I say it out loud. “I hate you.” But hearing it makes me realise it’s not true. I don’t hate him, how could I for wanting to spare me from the shit he went through.

  The last time I was this cold, I almost annihilated Seth’s father, I wanted to, I was going to, the only thing that stopped me was the police ripping me off. The taser, the baton…

  There’s another fear for the pile, that feeling, I relished it. Paying revenge for what my father went through, what my mother went through by herself, it felt good. I can’t imagine it’s normal to feel good while doing that. But that feeling got me through my time in juvie.

  I will get through this; I just need time… and maybe distance.

  Hearing a jumble of loud voices, I look up to discover I’m parked out front of Tommy’s gym, I always end up here when I need to let loose; talk about being on autopilot. There’s a group of guys rowdy and restless waiting in front of the takeaway shop next door. Stuffing my keys and phone in my bag, I yank the zip across and get out, ready to beat a punching bag until I can’t lift my arms for another hit. I need to black out.

  I want to go back to her, but it’s not safe. It’s safe here, Tommy knows me, can deal with me.

  Slamming the door, I hoist my bag over my shoulder and head for the gym, Tommy’s squat figure blocks out the light as he opens the door.

  “Hey Princess!” a jeering voice calls out. “Show us your tits!”

  “Oh look, what a pretty boy,” another calls. My body stills before I tell it too, it doesn’t worry me I’m wearing Avalon’s bikini top. I promised her I would, so I will. It’s the only thing I really have of her. They continue even though I’m sure I resemble a blatant warning sign. The desire to sink my fists into them right now is overwhelming, but if I do and I get caught, I won’t get to see her. I turn to them, letting my eyes rove over their sneering faces, if I knew them like I do Seth’s gang it would be fine, we don’t involve the police on each other, never have, never will... but these guys, they might. I can’t risk it now.

  “Noah,” Tommy’s voice sounds from the door. “Leave it, son, not worth it.”

  Deep breaths I tell myself. Think of her; think of her snuggling into my chest, the feel of those killer fingers in my hair.

  “C’mon baby, you’re dressed to kill. You wanna have some fun,” one guy swaggers up to me. “We wanna have some fun…” The coldness flees into my fists, I never feel them in a fight until later.

  “Noah,” Tommy warns.

  I see her face, believing in me, backing me, teasing me. I’m far from being a ‘baby yabby’ right now. Closing my eyes for a second, I let the moment when she is walking up the road to ‘prove it’ to me replay, the way she looked so innocent but daring. The feel of her heart racing against me, the way she bit her lip. She’s worth it.

  I force my body in the direction of Tommy’s, he nods with an encouraging smile. It’s one of the hardest walks of my life, every cell is goading me to fight. It’s like trying to halt a wave, I’m amazed I’m succeeding. In reality, the only thing stopping me letting loose is that I’d do anything to make sure I see her again.

  Tuning out their jeers I mentally push myself to drag one foot down in front of the other. I’m so stressed and pent up that my body is literally warring with my brain to let it indulge itself. My heart wants Avalon. It’s getting stronger with every step I take. Something inside of me revels in the fact that I’m avoiding confrontation. It’s surprisingly satisfying.

  They go on and on, their voices getting stronger and stronger as they close the distance. My breathing becomes slow. If someone ever talked to Avalon like this, I would rip his tongue from his head. If that Cayden guy ever dares to show his face around here, I will break every bone in his body and then skin him. My anger heats up just thinking about him, I must shove the thought of him near Av from my mind. I seek the deadness of that place to help me.

  Tommy is half shocked but mostly relieved as I find his eyes.

  I can do this.

  Then one grabs at the one thing they shouldn’t. Her bikini top.

  “I’m not sure what’s gotten into everyone tonight, it’s pretty crowded in there. You may want to take that off, mate,” the cop nods at the bikini plastered against my chest splattered with blood. “They aren’t the nicest bunch, and you won’t be getting to court tomorrow that’s for sure. Big backlog.”

  Great. I’ve lost everything but this top, it is all I have in this world. Gently, I reach behind me and struggle to undo it. The cop raises his hand to help but drops it to his side at me threatening glare. I slip it over my head and bunch the soft fabric in my hands. The cop raises an eyebrow and then leads me to the crowded cell, indicating for me to enter.

  I don’t bother looking at anyone, I’m too gone to give a shit. If I hadn’t screwed up before, I am royally screwed now. There’s a huge chance I’ll go inside now for a long time.

  I’ve lost her. All for some drunk arseholes, I’ve lost her.

  I react the only way I know how, I find that cold place and venture deep down into its sweet, nullifying depths, further than I have ever been before. The sweet numbness floods my entire being and I feel myself searching for and shutting down every wisp of emotion, every dream and every thought of being with her. My feelings are locked tighter than this cell.

  I’m colder than this cell. I have to be to survive what’s waiting for me behind bars.

  Seth

  I wake suddenly as my arm reaches in a daze to grip my bedroom wall. The earth is shaking and rumbling. Even though I’ve never experienced one, my foggy brain is screaming ’Earthquake!’ Instead of finding a wall my hand grips something else, I open my eyes to see my fingers firmly gripped around Outlaw’s leg.

  He raises his face from a bucket and turns to me, he doesn’t look like he will attack me, but he doesn’t seem amused either. I let it go hastily, rolling away from him just in case. Av spent half the night teaching me how to read simple horse body language. I check his ears, they aren’t laid back, but he does swish his sparse tail. I’m uncertain what that combination means, so I don’t move. He blows a puff of air out of his nose and then allows his head to disappear into the bucket again. I can hear his lips shuffling whatever is in there around.

  Personally, I’m still surprised he can stand. He walks like a very wobbly newborn giraffe but he is standing. Every time I was sure he was going to fall last night my stomach clenched wondering what the hell I would do for him. I feel like I’ve done three thousand sit-ups. I certainly didn’t want to wake Av up; she was absolutely buggered last night.

  When we got back last night she dashed straight to see Outlaw, hugging and talking to him. Outlaw stood there oblivious to the fact probably every male that has ever met Av would die to be in his position. Instead, he portrayed the fact that he was just tolerating i
t. Like he was beyond feeling anything from her touch. That he wasn’t surprised by all this effort going into him, to save him. He seems a tough character, not like Amber who literally fawns over Avalon, delights in being near her. Outlaw is aloof. To me he doesn’t seem like the other horses, he... I don’t know how to explain it. He has a human-like attitude or something.

  Harry told her once we sat down in front of the TV and handed out the takeaway containers Sue had given Av, that the vet had rung and finally told them the results. Ulcers, I think and something else they had to be watchful for, liver something maybe. Harry and Flea had already started him on the medication needed. Avalon seemed relieved, she must have been, she slept for about five hours without moving.

  I haven’t been to many people’s houses, I tend to hang at my own because it’s got everything I need, Sam of course never bothers to ask me to his and after last night I understand why, so it was kind of a surreal experience to be there with the three of them. My mum always says she loves me and she does, I know it, so does Dad but... last night I wondered if their love had conditions. I purposely didn’t analyse my love because I didn’t want to know the answer or find out that I have never loved.

  It’s a weird thing to see a teenager be completely open and when I mean open, I mean open. She told them everything about the night including putting Viagra in the VIP’s pavlova. I guess, though it’s weirder to see ‘parental’ figures crack up about a prank like that. Later on, they pulled out some plan for Harry’s farm, from what I gather times must be going to get tougher selling the cattle.

  None of them talked when they ate Sue’s food, they groaned and moaned but did not say a word. I realised I had eaten it with the VIP’s and didn’t even notice what I was eating. This time I took the time to taste it and realised for the first time how lucky I was to have this every night. Av said she was going to steal Sue away, Harry and Flea joined in with her scheming until I had to remind them I was sitting there.